overwhelminglyme

[overwhelminglyme]

Mental Health

How do you cope when you're so confused and jumbled and can't make words into sentences? Just like now. I want to say things but I don't know how or what and to whom.

Hence, here I am.

When will the feeling of loneliness go away? When will the feeling of sadness fade? When will I truly feel like myself? WHO is myself?! Who am I?

I struggle with self-discovery. My head just feels so heavy and it aches and thinking about why I'm like this hurts me more. I just feel so sad and I want to cry and yell and punch a wall. I don't even know what I'm saying now.

I just yearn for the day where someone will hold me and it will feel like home, no matter how sad I get...

[overwhelminglyme]

Dating is hard

I'm trying not to think about it, but here we are. Dating is HARD. I never really dated in high school nor my 20s. I had relationships and flings. All the woeing and shit happened during. There wasn't much getting to know you phases with no commitment.

I met a guy from FB Dating and we hit it off. Talked for hours until 3am, made plans for a Saturday hike, found out we had a lot in common. He asks me out to a movie on Valentine's Day and I thought it was going well. He held my hand throughout the movie, I gave him a goodnight kiss, he kissed back. Then he ghosts me. WHO DOES THAT!?

I gotta say I was slightly a wreck for the rest of the week. I was hurt & confused. I kept asking what I did wrong, even though I knew I did nothing wrong. I really thought we were connecting. I let my guard down & this is what happens. I truly am not ready to date.

For one second, I lost sight of my goals for this year - me, myself & I. Whatever it takes. But we are back at it.

Just thought I'd record this moment. I know I am strong. I know I am worthy. I know I can do this, but there are times where you simply don't believe in yourself. Here's a reminder that I can get through this.

[overwhelminglyme]

Well, Hello there.

Do people still post on tumblr? It’s 2022. I haven’t been here in yearrrrrssss!

I’ve often been told that writing things down is therapeutic. I have a self diagnosed carpal tunnel syndrome so I’m going to type it out instead. I’m going to attempt and be my own therapist, because ya girl is broke AF!

Anyway, I don’t know where to begin... Well, I am now part of the 30s club. I still live at home. COVID took all of my savings. I am now single. We moved. Mochi passed away. I work for the county. My hair is purple. I got my AA 6 years after finishing school. I don’t practice as an LVN but still keep my license active. I have a much better relationship with my parents and my sister.

I can’t seem to figure out what I want to do with my life. I spend everyday wondering how my life would be had I started of a different way. I spend more time thinking about how I want my life to be than actually doing something about it. I started this year with a BANG! attitude. I’m gonna focus on myself and figure out what I want to do with my life, find true happiness, true passion & true love.

Me, being the dreamer (and not doer) that I am.. I haven’t done much to progress my search.

I am, however, slowly realizing that maybe I am making moves towards those goals. I don’t know. We’ll see. I can’t think anymore. I’ll be back in a bit. Wish me luck!

[overwhelminglyme]

"You're not afraid of being in love, You're afraid of not being loved."

Isn't everyone? I mean, I'm almost positive everyone gets scared to be attached to someone in such an intimate way. Our hearts are very important parts of us, and we can't just trust in all to just anybody. Some have standards and have expectations. Some of those are a little too unrealistic, but at least they know what they want. They have a central idea on what and who they see themselves being with. They KNOW. Others, like me, DON'T know. Or rather I know too much that everything's a huge jumbled up mess in my head. I have an idea of what type of person I want to be with. Sadly, my standards have gone a little too high to what is actually available to me. I've set walls and boundaries without realizing and I've shut out potentials because I'm scared it wouldn't work out. Hey, I'm only human. I make mistakes, a ton too much in my opinion, but I do. I fall down and it takes a while longer to get back in the game because I've been bruised before. The physical wounds have long healed but the emotional and inner scars are still pretty evident. It's not that I let the past control my present, but when things go wrong... even the smallest of things.. I can't help but look back and reminisce on how it would've been then. I don't miss the person per se, but rather the experiences and the memories I've accumulated with them. I've been offered and I've turned them down. I'm not afraid of loving again, but I'm terrified of being fooled and not being truly loved. I'm human.

[overwhelminglyme]

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Old saying. Forever true.

I guess that's why I don't make as big an effort towards others like I used to. I'm tired of doing so much of the little things and never getting recognition. I don't really care of they're faking it or they just don't know how to express it, but if I spend my time and effort to do something for someone, I'd like to at least be noticed. So don't ever come at me saying I never cared or I never did anything for our friendship or relationship to work. This is a two way street. Always has, always will be.