overcoming-avpd

[overcoming-avpd]

sometimes i forget how good alcohol feels how good it feels to be numb

[overcoming-avpd]

the thing is... i don't have to be someone else. and if we're being honest, i can't

[overcoming-avpd]

the feeling that everyone elses feelings are Always my fault and mine to deal with while my own are also my fault and mine to handle alone because i dont deserve support and if i feel bad bc of something someone else did its ny fault for even feeling bad or unsure because of it

[overcoming-avpd]

Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

[overcoming-avpd]

there is no unlived life or alternative reality where everything went right…. there is only here and now what are you going to do with it

[overcoming-avpd]

so much of being an ok person is just 1) not panicking, 2) not taking things personally, and 3) not letting the vindictive gargoyle that lives in your head tell you what to do. this sucks because brains love doing those things

[overcoming-avpd]

treatment

im wondering what people's experiences with treatment for avpd has been?

ive been diagnosed for a year now, and so often i feel so helpless and hopeless about actually growing and changing. i feel it often relates to the feeling of being locked into this diagnosis, and that i dont feel like i get any concrete help or guidance even though ive asked for it so many times (obviously cant get whatever i want cus im doing public health treatment : ) ) its all just endless reflection and reflection and reflection and "is this a pattern for you" "is this something you do a lot" "do you think you're sabotaging yourself" and never anything like... pragmatic, any actual advice, just.. "try to be more aware" "try to be more mindful" "try to not be so hard on yourself" etc etc...

the treatment im in is a group where my peers with avpd are the one meant to help!!!!!! the psych and psych nurse offer NOTHING in the treatment, just the odd question or banal encouragement, no actual guidance. like, i deeply appreciate how much effort the other patients in my group put into trying to refelct and think out loud about our behaviors, but like.. at the end of the day its the blind leading the blind, cus none of us know what tf we are doing, and just try our best to help eachother but like. we are all sick.

ive been meaning to read up more on treatment for avpd, but from what ive gathered, group therapy seems to be the leading treatment method for it, and its just so baffling to me, considering the efficacy of the treatment is based on patients' self report of recovery and like.. you are asking people with the People Pleasing Conflict Averse Fear of Authority Disorder to tell you whether the measly treatment they got worked?

i feel like group therapy is helping me reflect a bit more and to see my patterns of behavior in other people, and thus how they are maladaptive and dont really make sense, but that only takes me so far with regards to actually implement them. like, do these health professionals or whatever know how personality disorders happen? how deep they go? i dont know, im just really frustrated and feel ive complained about this to my partner too many times so id really like to hear from other avpd'ers what you have experienced

[overcoming-avpd]

Okay here’s the post I talked about from that last reblog!

This also goes beyond ultimatums and conversations - people will twist themselves into knots justifying behaviors and actions all on their own without any input from the important outside source. A misguided sense of noble self-sacrifice when not ever mentioned out loud is just, plainly, unwarranted and stupid. Bearing with something you don’t want to do for another person is not automatically a favor they owe you later down the line, especially if they didn’t know you were doing that. “I went to these things even though I didn’t want to and you don’t even appreciate it even though I never mentioned it” make it make sense!

As someone who does sometimes go to events or do things I don’t necessarily want to do when invited, that’s automatically on me and that’s a choice I make based on my energy levels. A lot of the time I go because I know I don’t want to in the moment but will probably enjoy myself later. Even if I don’t? That’s not on the other person, that’s not a future argument I win. People who make little balance ledgers of this stuff must be exhausted. We have got to stop blaming and trying to hold other people accountable for our sometimes admittedly rough feelings. You need to engage in emotional regulation and own up to your own mistakes that make you feel like shit instead of putting it on others ‘for putting you in the place to make that decision’.

It’s not noble self-sacrifice to remain quiet as discontent bubbles up without communicating it. It’s just boxing with shadows, and you are not going to win.

[overcoming-avpd]

being like this makes me feel like a lost child more and more as every day goes by, i feel like i understand less and less, get more and more overwhelmed and just childish and fantastical, like nothing feels 100% real except when im upset then everything is too real and it feels like im gonna die

[overcoming-avpd]

why is it that when i feel bad or i messed up i have so many words and thoughts inside me that i want to put out and talk about but when push comes to shove and i actually have to verbalize it, i have nothing and leave other ppl stranded when they try to open up to me

[overcoming-avpd]

thinking a lot about my autistic traits, my ocd traits, narcissistic traits, self harm and the stuff ive learnt recently about the connection/likely overlap between schizophrenia spectrum disorders and avpd and its all just so much.. i wish i could talk about it with a psycologist who actually gave 2 shits about it and didnt just want to cbt me out of having low self esteem or whatever...

[overcoming-avpd]

psych assessment: do you ever feel like your thoughts aren’t actually your own?

me: no, never, absolutely not

also me: *regularly saying “shut up” out loud to my own thoughts because sometimes when i think bad things about myself i don’t actually mean to think them and they catch me off guard and it feels like someone else using my mind’s voice and i don’t like it so i have to tell the angry brain gremlin that now’s not the time*

[overcoming-avpd]

sometimes avoidance is a very conscious and active thing but sometimes you don’t even know that it happened until much later. sometimes you just look back one day and realize you haven’t even thought about your dream job in 4 months because 4 months ago someone said something negative to you about it and that was all it took for your brain to throw the idea away. sometimes you think your life is going pretty well until someone asks you what you’ve been up to and you have no idea how to answer because you haven’t actually done anything in months.

[overcoming-avpd]

waking up and immediately feeling embarassed and shameful about making this blog🥴 but its okay, nobody knows who i am like its fine!! its fine

[overcoming-avpd]

i keep creating situations again and again where i just get it confirmed that expressing my emotions or needs is dangerous and bad bc i always leave it so long that i end up exploding in really unhealthy and inconsiderate ways in stead of just... voicing my emotions as they occur, letting off steam as hurdles arise.... its so exhausting

[overcoming-avpd]

also its making me feel so hopeless how so much of the focus in my group therapy is on just social anxiety which is the one trait i dont really have, and so little on emotional anxiety, like my avpd is literally only present in my close relationships and making them crumble before my eyes. and im supposed to just sit there and challenge my thoughts that say that it is literally Illegal for me to express boundaries and needs without any like, guidance. just like "oh are you able to challenge that assumption?" yes but it makes literally zero difference !!!!!!! also i want to slap my psychologist shes so fucken useless

[overcoming-avpd]

been struggling so so much lately, being in a relationship with someone feels like its the perfect setup for me to just get more and more scared make worse and worse mistakes and internalise more and more that i can never get anything right, can never be good and stable and a positive presence in someone's life. its making me so fucking depressed and scared of ending up like the ppl i see on the avpd subreddit who have no hope, no life, no relationships no nothing, just completely sonsumed by their anxieties and fears. i feel like im going to irrevocably damage my relationship with my partner, with myself, woth my friends and with my family and i know there are so many things i can do, so many strategies that would help me but it just seems completely impossible for me to apply them with any kind of confidence or consistency