outcastmeforalostsoul

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

Sweet November - Naruto x Hinata

My poll isn’t quite finished yet but the numbers are saying this is what you guys want to see most. (Through all platforms not just this one.)

BUT! There were a lot of runner ups and some couples I’ve never drawn before. So much much more to come.

Follow me to see all the couples you guys voted for!

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

Imagine believing in the fortune tellers at amusement parks. Like the movie big but not as magical.

I can’t help myself but to use them every time I come across one. I have come to believe that the things we read, we can often identify and include in our everyday lives. That being said, those fortunes tend to always blend into my life fairly well.

I’ve always been amused by them. I have saved everyone. Even from 2009. Well I haven’t come across one in a while, up until cedar point with my father over the past weekend. I was overly exited as the machine entered my vision. His name was “pappy”!

Sort of off topic real quick. Times have definitely changed as I paid for my fortune with a mobile tap function. Now I know tap has been around for years but this was an old machine. Weird but cool I guess.

So anyway back to my fortune…. As much as I want to believe it…my fortune talked about a past loved one coming back into my life. Now I don’t have many people from my past that I would still consider a loved one…but one guy instantly came to mind. I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad seen my face turn pure white after reading the fortune.

I keep thinking about what it said…so I looked the guy up on Facebook…he doesn’t do much socials (from what I can remember) so of course everything is hidden. Well everything except from a past we once shared. I’ve deleted a lot in my life but never anything involving him. I did come across a photo of him and his girlfriend, but Facebook kept saying the photo was removed. So I clicked on her name (shhhh we all snoop 😅) and I seen a different photo of her kissing someone else. Now this would actually be the first time this guy is single since we departed ways. I also want to state that I lied to him when we separated… I know lying isn’t great but I was young. Imagine being average in everything you do, not knowing where you want to go or do or how. That was me, fuck, it’s still me. I feel like I’m drifting through life, anyway back to the point. He was so perfect everything a girl good ever dream of. Cute, funny, talented, smart, clean. He was my first love (sometimes I still believe it’s the only guy I’ve EVER loved). So what did i do, I ruined it. I bettered his chances without me. Everyday I kept thinking about how I drink, partied, smoked weed and cigarettes. So I told him I cheated on him…so he would leave me. I wanted him to have everything. Never once did I think I was enough for him. So I let him go.

A couple years later this man came back into my life. Wanting to fix things and to be with me again. Doesn’t the quote go something like “if you love someone, set them free. If it’s meant to be they’ll come back to you”..soo what did I do again, I told him I was talking to someone, that it was serious and I once again let him go. Sometimes I think I’m the biggest idiot on the planet. I feel so smart and then I do dumbass shit like that (excuse my terribly potty mouth).

So I stupidly married my “serious” relationship after only 4 months of dating (it’s ok I hate myself too) and then a month into marriage we had a kid. Honestly he was the worst relationship of my life. It ended in divorce and weird situations. Now I love my kid. I couldn’t imagine life without him. But because of these mistakes, I can’t leave the state I live in. I’m stuck here.

During the divorce process I found another guy. One who made me smile and laugh. But if I’m being honest something is missing in this relationship and there’s something inside me that tells me it may not work out. But ever since I fucked things up with my first love I tend to hold on longer. I don’t want to potentially ruin a good thing ever again. I think I’m stuck in this toxic cycle.

I tell people at work often if this guy (my 1st love) ever came back into my life and said he wanted me back…that I would suffer that hardest choice of my life. But would it be a hard choice? After almost 10 years of being apart I still think about him, still love him and would honestly just love to give him a hug. To have a full day or conversation with him would change my life forever.

I know it’s messed up talking about this while in a relationship. It’s like emotional cheating….though, I’ll probably never see this guy again. So I’m unsure of what I’m writing matters. I’m just happy to but it down, out of my head.

Well I think I said everything I wanted to. So if you read all this then I guess you just wanted to know what pappy said. Who am I to deny you thy fortune?

“A new turn of events will soon come about. A happy reunion with a loved one will make life all that you ever wanted it or dreamed it to be. You have a very trusting nature and are easily taken in by so-called friends. Do not be so anxious to do favors unto others, as there is one is just waiting to take advantage of your good nature.”

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

Heather Havrilesky, How to Be a Person in the World

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

Leaving 2022 like

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

Put this on so you won’t catch a cold.

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

Probably the most romantic movie I’ve seen in a long while.

Shailene Woodley and Callum Turner in The Last Letter From Your Lover, 2021 (dir. Augustine Frizzell)

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

Was I ever enough? How could I be when I barely feel enough to myself….

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

I have only ever been in love twice and each love was different. The feeling I mean. The first time was sweet, sincere, genuine and kind. The second playful, aggressive, weird and true. I feel like I’m going 100 mph and I don’t know how to slow down. I keep wondering why I stay so strong when I so badly want to fall apart. I want to restart my life i want a due over. Please. I could change so much, be a better version of me….

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

Trainspotting (1996)

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

What do you do when your struggling to find any reason to live. honestly every day just beats me up more and more. I’m not my mom so the drugs aren’t for me. I just feel like there’s nothing left. No reason to keep really trying. Nothing keeping me happy anymore. Every day brings darkness and tears. Regrets and disappointed in myself....

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

I had to lose what felt like my soulmate to understand this. I didn’t understand genuine unconditional love. For loving me as long as he did with all my mistakes I thought he was perfect. But losing him was heartbreak I had never felt. I pushed him away so I could be better today. I am. Better for the people who wish to love me.

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

I feel like half of my heart is on fire while the other half is freezing cold. I’m so stressed. I’ve never over thought something so much in my life. Part of my brain wants to lean in and be comforted while the other is saying not to cave in, that I’ll just be hurt again. How can you talk to me like your fine? Watching me cry. I’ve been sick every day. And you post funny things on Facebook while all I do is read devastating quotes about how my life basically sucks with or without you.

Im just so tired. If I let the freezing cold take over my heart... i won’t have to feel anything anymore..

[outcastmeforalostsoul]

I’m not sure I believe in fate. But karma got me good for my lies in the past. Should I move on? I wanted nothing more than your touch tonight. I might be going crazy, do I have something to prove to you? Desire. Wants and needs. So tempted to seek others attention but you lost mine. By losing mine I lost yours. Forever spiraling. Where to go, what to do. Who am I?