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i know it's just a giant mood shift and that i need to like, calm down and behave or something like that. but i really just want to lash out and say dramatic things. i want to really freak out.

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past irritated at this point and quickly approaching rage. somehow i am beginning to wish i was numb again. 

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rationalize ya garbage thoughts and move on. so dramatic. so predictable. pathetic and annoying.

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anyway i’m riding through it and not doing anything dangerous. i’ll just be angry for hours and very uncomfortable 

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like it’s nothing new, i Know. i KNOW. but knowing isn’t enough to fill that hungering void that needs some extreme to fill it. normally i s*ed*te myself and sleep through it until it’s okay again, or i drink too much, or i do both because i guess i don’t care about mixing the two up and having a bad reaction. maybe i hope that it happens and that’s the end. maybe that’s what i want.

but i’ve been trying not to use that to cope anymore, which leads me back to scars and a more visible pain. i’ve been free of that for a few months now. and i don’t really want to go back. but those are my three options that get a strong enough reaction that it releases me from this mood.

the fourth option is to ride it out which i’m trying to do. i just hate it the most. i’m like.... i have just enough drink left to forget tonight.... i have enough s*d*tive left to sleep through tonight..... and it’s that easy! literally that easy!! 

very tempting. 

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its a bad view to have but i have therapy tomorrow so what does it matter if i destruct now? future me can deal with that. future me can try to rationalize tonight. but if i don’t feel something now i am going to lose it. Like right now this very moment i NEED to feel something strong

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making decisions while s*****al is a huge mistake.  

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looks around my room like,,, i will throw out everything i own and live here wilth only a sheet and a pillow because that would make me happy

which i know isnt true but THE WANT is strong. it would be a huge mistake. brain stop being so destructive 

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i feel a certain way that i’m embarrassed to admit but i’m feeling it So Strongly. i wish it would just stop like how much longer can you hold off from giving in and doing whatever damage you’ll do? i doubt the feeling will ever go away anyway, it has been a struggle for a long, long time already :/

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i dont even want to stop its so enticing 

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i haven’t h*rmed in a while up until now :/

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impulsive brain really needs to shut up. thanks but you are trash so go away

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my drink fizzed over so now theres a*****l all over my desk :/

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ya ever feel a“shut the fuck up” when you share things and kinda wish you’d never said anything to start with? i feel that. i feel that.

its a constant feeling even if for once it isn’t true.

just stop talking. its better that way

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keeps a conversation going perfectly fine i guess but fuck if i dont want to d** right now

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Anger hours anger hours anger hours

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Late night ANGER sets in I guess what the fuck