ouat1111-blog

[ouat1111-blog]

Ever feel like the people you want spend the most time with doesn’t actually want to spend it with you? Like my bf tonight he text me is it okay just have couple drinks tonight he doesn’t have a lot money this week . I was going to pay for drinks tonight . But it felt like he worded it like two hours and then let’s just go home . Drop me off and then he goes to his home . Like I want spend an evening where I don’t have time limit or whatever . Even with him . I feel like he doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with me . Just doing minimum what he can spend with me and just do whatever he likes . I’m also really insecure and feel like we don’t have anything to talk about . And maybe we aren’t right for each other . But also love him . Deep inside I just don’t want to be rejected and not loved .

[ouat1111-blog]

I keep thinking why did he pick me ? Maybe I should ask myself why I picked him . But it blows my mind that anyone would actually want to be with me . That could it be possible for someone love me for real? Why? What about me that makes them want to continue to see me ? I mean everyone leaves me or gets sick of me fast . No one actually wants to spend time with me unless they wants something . I just don’t connect with others well . What makes you so different from the others ?

[ouat1111-blog]

List of Historical People Who Left A Mark on Psychology

[MY Psychology]

[ouat1111-blog]

losing my virginity at 25

January 19th 2018  i lost my virginity . it was unreal . Jon asked me if i wanted to go to the movies with him and his friend Mike and his gf Meghan. i said yes. He paid for my ticket.  the movie was insidious . it was alright. but i was happy to be with him . we kept touching each other. he kept his hand on my leg .  we kissed a couple times.  its funny meghan was like you can tell you guys are new couple and theyve been together for awhile theyre stuffing theyre faces with food. and they were arguing before we went into the movies . i was sharing popcorn with jon. and idk we are just touchy feely . plus like we never had sex . the night before we hangout at a local bar. and he was touchy and idk we left in his truck we dropped his friend off. and idk we were touching and affectionate towards eachother all night. when he bringing me home i kissed him.. and we started making out while he was driving. idk i was laying my head on his lap and leaning upward to kiss him. finally we pulled over and started making out then it lead to him sucking on my breast and it was good . but idk he laugh at some point because he didnt know what was going on . and it started upsetting me.  but he continue to kiss me. and i started unbuckling  his belt and pulled out his penis. i tried to giving him a blow job and it didnt end well. he couldnt stay hard. he said it was from the hard liquor . i was mortified and ashamed. i blamed myself. the next day friday when we went to the movies. after the movies mike was like what are you guys up to any plans . we didnt .. but i wasnt ready to leave.  we went to the same bar. and we hung out with his friends. played pool. he was really touchy . more than usual .and i was a little tipsy.  from shot . like i got buzz off that one drink. but  he got me touching his half chub. and i was like ready to leave. we left. and we pulled over to empty lot . and we started making out in his car. he sucked on my nipples.  and he ask me if i wanted to suck him. or i asked him i dont remember. but i did. and i dont know he thought i was still on my period. because  i told him i was at my end of my period the night before. i wasnt ready. but something in me just let go and i pulled down my leggings and i rubbed his penis on my vagina. he asked me if i want to ride him. i was like yeah. he grabbed acondom from the glove compartment.  he puts it on .and he was trying to get me wet. i got below him and he started finger me.. i was still not wet.. maybe little. but finally he lift my legs over his  shoulder and push his dick into me. and it was more pressure than pain. it wasnt awful. he wasnt too big. but it lasted a minute i swear. and it didnt sucked but it wasnt good. i was let down. and idk i was  numb and shocked. i acted  normal .  i wasnt cuddling or anything. we just chilled for a bit. we got our clothes on and he drove me home. he kissed me goodnight. but i was numb emotionally. like i couldnt believe it . but i didnt really talk to him the next day. but sunday we hung out again at the bar. it was okay for the most part but alittle awkward and i was insecure. and idk somehow long story short a girl he use to talk to . when i found out when i was in florida, we were just talking. he was talking to her too. idk  group chat us by accident on instagram . and  i was upset at him and she was too she stopped talking to him . but obviously started talking to him again. that night  she messaged me on instagram , because i joked message whats your number and she gave it to me. and i never  responded back . til that night and she asked me if i am talking to jon. and told me to joke no you can have him. idk one thing lead to another and she said stuff that obviously pissed him off. and he was like she is so manipulative . i was like jokingly if she messaged you what would you say. he said ill not interested , kick rocks. but idk i was still slightly jealous. because im not secure in this new relationship. we havent said bf and gf. and he always jokes wheres your other guys. or jokes about these three girls , that girl and about another we went to high school with. not he was interested in. but like oh theyre my best friend. im tired of him saying your other guys when hes the only one im seeing. but i also play along to it. and joke about my other guys. but idk i want him to say i just want you. 

well   january 23 2018  we had sex again this time in my bed. i text him the night before  basically asking him come over and sleep over. he said he would etc. but i dont think he understood it was invitation , not question if he would like to. he fell asleep and didnt text me. so i was falling asleep waiting for his text i never got. and iwas piss, but the next day  January 23  i text him and he said sorry he didnt know i was asking. i said i need to make it clearer next time. i ask him if he wants to come over tonight. he was like yeah . did i get permission from my parents. and i was like um sure. okay no but you they dont need to know. he was hesitating about it . he didnt want my dad breaking in and kill him. he basically maybe i should meet them before i sleep over. they will wonder who the fuck is this guy.but i was like it will be fine, they are dead to the world and asleep. ill just sneak you in . he came over at 11. and we tried watching the movie. we talked for awhile. it was good and i was laughing. and finally we had sex .and it was alot better than the first time. and i wanted to do it again.  but i didnt want to ask. i was like maybe hes too tired. we fell asleep. he said earlier he cant sleep over. slept for an hour. he left at 2 ish . i was sad about him leaving. i was still little horny. 

today i told him was horny still last night i would gone second round . he was like why didnt you say anything. i was like i didnt think you wanted to. he wrote yes!  all you had to do was ask. 

i was happy about that. i hope he wants more than just sex from me.. though that my insecurity . plus  nervous i am not good enough at it. since he doesnt know i am a virgin .or if he does he didnt say anything 

[ouat1111-blog]

unreal

 I am No longer a virgin. i have been talking about it alot. to only few  people .. i am just in shocked. i cant believe i did it. it wasnt awful. but it definity wasnt magical . it didnt hurt as much as i thought it would. and i dont know if i bled or not . I am just hoping hes not sleaze and just using me. i also dont want him to just stay with me because he think he has to . i hope he really is into me . 

[ouat1111-blog]

its been awhile

Since I last post.  maybe five months .

 I'll make this short as possible. 

August I went to Florida for a vacation and ended up staying there four months. 

I got a job . my first job. and I was so excited. I like working there. mostly because of the people and I'm not stuck in the house and plus money it was nice having my own money. 

during my trip . the beginning I was hanging with my cousin for a little not often she was caught up with her new love life. and I think it ruin our relationship.  I met a guy lets call him Jim.  it was short lived. it was fun just kissing a guy.. after Seth . I knew deep inside it wasn't going to last. he's not my type. he drinks lot. and I don't like heavy drinking. and he had a criminal record . he's not the type of guy to bring to daddy. and he has a baby he doesn't see . after we stop talking... he moved to north Dakota leaving behind his child . so I couldn't do that to my child I would want to be as close to him as possible. 

um so couple months pass. i was talking to two guys from back home. lets call them Matt and Jon.  texting both of them. flirting and just getting to know each other. both guys contacted me . Matt is a good person. when he moved to Florida after couple weeks I finally went on a date with him. I thought he liked me. but I don't think he was really into me. I mean I know adult now they're not all touchy feely . but we went to the movies or out to eat. twice .  and he never lean in for a kiss. or touch me. not a brush of the skin or anything. I went in for the kiss. I  had more chemistry with Jim in the kissing department. desire .  than with Matt. I was thinking he says he likes me. and when it was my last week it was difficult to get him to hang out with me. and when he finally said yeah . he basically wanted a quick fuck. and I dont do that. I mean maybe I would of... if he didn't want to spend a couple hours and have me leave so he could go see his brother three hour drive away. I mean I told a friend ill watch his soccer game he coach . and I invited him along afterwards and he was like nah. so that was a sign he wasn't really into it. I think he just didn't want to deal with me since I was about to leave. 

 I dont know what goes through guys mind. I barely know what is going through my own head.  I was still talking to Jon. I felt bad for talking to two guys at once. and in the beginning I didn't think it was going anywhere. it was just flirting. but I like him.  

When I got home it was a couple weeks before I finally said yeah lets go on a date. last night he picked me up around 6. and we went to his friend’s family friend house. for a wine tasting. I've never been to wine tasting. so it was a new experience. everyone was pretty nice and welcoming. I was so nervous to see him. and meet his friends. because hello thats his friends. if they dont like you thats a strike for me.  

 his friend was a little drunk . he was inviting me to his wedding. telling Jon he should bring me. I'm dying inside. like okay I dont mind ... but like already having a plus one at his friend wedding thats in 8 months from now. that a commitment. haha. and we were talking about concert and I said I never been to one and he inviting us to do a double date to the next concert.  

 Then they were talking about his ex. Oh god I was uncomfortable about that. its alright. I was just worry about him . is he uncomfortable about it. but I think he was fine. 

it was around 2am when we left I was so tired. and we finally got to my house and I lean in for a kiss and he gave me his cheek. I was like “ you dont want to kiss me?” he was like “ you want..” I kiss him. it was a soft make out. he had nice lips. he seemed to enjoy it too. he didn't pull away. I put my hand on his neck. It lasted about two minutes.  maybe less. but it was nice. when I got in the house getting ready for bed I got a text from him. “ wow your a pretty good kisser. “ I dont know what to think.  I didn't expect a text like that. hopefully thats a good sign. and I wrote kissy face good night Jon with a blush face emoji  and ps you're a pretty good kisser too. shocking. with emoji face tongue sticking out like teasing you type. and he wrote” Hahahaha ok. good night honey kiss emoji. 

2017 has been up and down. I experience amazing things this year. dating is ugh. its just fun kissing guys ..  I am getting to know what I want and being more confident. getting through my anxiety and just doing what I want . 

[ouat1111-blog]

October Book Haul

Hey guys, its Brittany! Today I am brining you my October Book Haul! October is my birthday month which means that I got more books than usual this month. There were also a lot of new releases that sounded really interesting and that I had pre-ordered.

1. Invictus by Ryan Graudin

If you don’t know, I love Ryan Graudin’s Wolf by Wolf duology and was so excited to see that she was releasing a new book! This book has been described as a time travel heist where the crew end up trying to steal something from the Titanic. That was all I needed to be sold on this book right away. That and the fact that one of the characters has a red panda and I love it. I can’t wait to read this book as it really interested me when I heard Ryan Graudin describing it.

2. The Language of Thorns: Midnight Tales and Dangerous Magic by Leigh Bardugo, Illustrated by Sara Kipin

These are short stories that are read by people in Leigh Bardugo’s Grishaverse. When I saw the cover for this book initially I knew that it was beautiful but in person it’s absolutely breathtaking. Not only is the cover so gorgeous on and with the cover off on the actual book but the illustrations in this! I haven’t read it yet but I’m sure that the writing is just as beautiful as the illustrations. I was so happy to have this book and I can’t wait to read this!

3. An Enchantment of Ravens by Margaret Rogerson

I’m not ashamed to admit that this book was a bit of a cover buy for me. I saw this cover and it was so beautiful that I couldn’t wait to pick it up. This book is about a world where fae exist but they can’t create. So they rely on the humans to create things for them and when the main character of this book paints a fae princes portrait with human sorrow in his eyes he takes her away to the fae realm. I’ve heard a lot of people say that this book may sound like ACOTAR but it is totally different and I’m excited to see what its has in store.

4. Alexander Hamilton, Revolutionary by Martha Brockenbrough

Yes if you don’t already know I am obsessed with Alexander Hamilton’s story and this was one of those books that I wanted about him. I saw this book and thought it was laid out in an interesting way and I loved the fact that it included photographs of the Hamilton’s and the places they lived and where Hamilton worked. I wanted this so I had more to read on Alexander’s story and I am very interested in getting to this soon.

5. An Ember in the Ashes [Paperback] by Sabaa Tahir

This book and the next go together. I have already read the first two books in this series but seeing as they are redoing the covers for the hardcovers from here on out, I wanted to get the first book that matched what the new covers will look like.

6. A Torch Against the Night [Paperback] by Sabaa Tahir

This is the second book in the Ember in the Ashes series and again I bought it so it would match the third book when it comes out.

7. Shadow and Bone [Paperback] by Leigh Bardugo

I am one of those people who will collect pretty editions of books that I already own and love. I am almost finished with the original Grisha trilogy and am loving it so much that I asked for these new covers for my birthday. Now that I’ve read the books, I understand what the covers mean and I loved figuring it out. This is probably my favorite cover just because the colors are absolutely gorgeous.

8. Siege and Storm [Paperback] by Leigh Bardugo

This is the second book in the Shadow and Bone trilogy in the pretty paperback edition.

10. Ruin and Rising [Paperback] by Leigh Bardugo

This is the third and final book in the Shadow and Born trilogy in the pretty new paperback.

11. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë

I read Jane Eyre awhile back and I absolutely loved the book when I read it. One day I saw this at Barnes and Noble and thought it was adorable. I have learned that many women would carry small pocket versions of the books they loved and this is an example of something like that. I think this is so pretty and if I want to re-read Jane Eyre without lugging the bigger book around I can carry around this adorable pocket sized version.

12. I, Eliza Hamilton by Susan Holloway Scott

This book is Alexander and Eliza’s story from Eliza’s point of view. This was something that I had wanted for a really long time and I was so excited when I saw this come up on Goodreads as a new release. I have already read this book and you’ll have to read my Wrap Up to see what I thought but this would be a great book for anyone who wanted a book like this.

13. Jane, Unlimited by Kristin Cashore

This book is a book that has five different possibilities that happen in it. This is about a girl whose aunt made her promise before she died that if she got invited to a certain place that she would go. Her aunt dies and she decides to go to this place and I’m very interested in seeing how this will play out.

14. The Ship of the Dead by Rick Riordan

I’m so excited to have this book! This is the third and final book in the Magnus Chase trilogy and I’m so excited about it! I have read a book about Norse Mythology between the second book and this one and I’m so excited for this! I loved the first two books and can’t wait to read this conclusion.

15. The Name of the Wind Tenth Anniversary Edition by Patrick Rothfuss

I couldn’t pass it up okay. When I saw the cover for this tenth anniversary edition I couldn’t pass it up and had to pre-order it. What I found out when I got this book is that it has red sprayed edges which made me freak out and a bunch of bonus content. I loved The Name of the Wind and need to continue on with the second book and the novella that went with it.

16. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Illustrated Edition by J.K. Rowling and Jim Kay

This book will give you a workout when you pick it up, trust me. I have been loving these illustrated editions of Harry Potter that have been coming out and this is no exception. The artwork in here is absolutely stunning and I can’t wait to read it and be able to enjoy the illustrations alongside it.

17. Lady Midnight [Paperback] by Cassandra Clare

A few months back I got the whole Mortal Instruments and Infernal Devices in paperback for their gorgeous spines and this was no exception. The only thing that I’m a bit thrown about was that the spine is white instead of dark like the other spines. This is the first book in Cassandra Clare’s The Dark Artifices trilogy and I love the spine artwork on this.

18. Star Wars: From A Certain Point of View by Various Authors

When I heard about this, I knew that I had to pick it up. This book is a compilation of various works by various authors about Star Wars. This book had so many authors that I love in it that I knew that I had to pick it up when I kept seeing it pop up across my various social media. This cover is really simple but awesome and I can’t wait to dive into this.

19. The Blind Banker by Steve Thompson, Art by Jay

I have been watching Sherlock since the end of Season 2 and I loved the show so much. This the shows episodes but in a manga format and I was so excited to pick up this second edition. The artist does a great job of catching the characters faces well and draws the scenes so well. I am so excited to see what  the scenes with Moriarty are going to look like as he is my favorite character.

20. The Silver Mask by Cassandra Clare and Holly Black

I still need to read the third book in this series to be able to read this fourth book. I decided to pick it up because I am loving this series so far as I have read in it and now that I have the fourth book I have a motivation to continue on with the third. This book is about a boy who is sent to a magical school against his own will and it’s really a more in depth books but I don’t wish to spoil anything. I am so excited to have this and can’t wait to continue on.

21. Turtles All the Way Down by John Green

I’ve read two John Green books in my life, Paper Towns and The Fault in Our Stars. I loved The Fault in Our Stars and I’m hoping that this book will bring that love that I had. This is about a girl who is dealing with anxiety and OCD and I can relate to it a lot in that sense. I can’t wait to read this book as I do love John and Hank Green’s YouTube channel. I also did get the signed edition because I couldn’t resist.

22. All the Crooked Saints by Maggie Stiefvater

After reading The Raven Cycle I knew that I would buy anything that Maggie Stiefvater put out. She is such a fun person to read about on Twitter and I am so excited for this book. I know that it is set in Colorado back in time a bit. That’s all I know or need to know as I like to go into her books blind.

23. The Librarian of Auschwitz by Antonio Iturbe

I saw this at the bookstore one day and knew that I had to pick it up. This story is based on a true story of a girl who was instructed to look over these books that were brought to Auschwitz and her struggle to try to save and preserve them. I am a huge World War II history buff and this being a story that I haven’t really heard before, especially being based on a true story, I knew that I had to read it.

24. Among the Red Stars by Gwen C. Katz

What I know from this book is that its about a girl who is a Russian pilot fighting in World War II. As I’ve said before, I study World War II a lot and picked this up on a whim. Pretty much most books that are set in World War II I will pick up as I crave to know more or learn new things about it that I may not have known before. I also love seeing how writers portray living in this time of terrible war.

25. Wild Beauty by Anna-Marie McLemore

This is the book that was in this month’s Owlcrate box! This is the Owlcrate exclusive cover and I love it as it is absolutely gorgeous. This book is about a family of women who when they fall in love, lose their loves in this garden that they tend to. One day a boy shows up in the garden out of the blue and they are trying to figure out what he is doing there and what he means for them. I am excited for this book even though it wasn’t on my radar until I got it in this month’s Owlcrate.

As you can see, I had a pretty busy month with books. The amount of pre-orders and books I got for my birthday was amazing and I am so grateful to have gotten all these books. Until next time guys, take care and read on!

[ouat1111-blog]

Okay I’m in love!!

Still little hurt by cal decision in King’s cage

Not even commercial beverages are safe from these two.

[ouat1111-blog]

The truth is no one care enough about other people’s problems . No one wants to hear it . The truth is at first they act they care and worry , but. If it’s not solved instantly . They get bored of it . And frustrated with you . That’s why we go quiet

[ouat1111-blog]

What could possibly go wrong with living your life by following ancient laws written by anonymous, ignorant, racist, sexist, superstitious authors in dead languages, who believed everything they couldn’t explain in the word was magic?

(via question-everythinng)

[ouat1111-blog]

America’s “Big Four” rival pizza chains - Domino’s, Papa John’s, Pizza Hut, and Little Caesars - all buy their cheese from the same man: James Leprino. He sells 1 billion pounds of cheese each year.

[ouat1111-blog]

I think princess Diana would be very proud of William . That's what she wanted for her kids . To give them a normal childhood and show love . And that shows through him with his kids . Such a impact on his life .

Prince William talks about how Princess Diana would have been a nightmare grandmother to Prince George and Princess Charlotte

[ouat1111-blog]

My sweet fucking life . That's what I'm like .. need other people validation

[ouat1111-blog]

So 15 plus days ago Seth ghosted me . I was upset . Mostly because I thought things were going good, and he acted like it was about sex . Which was lie . Since he just ghosted me. Four days of nothing and he was on Facebook all day for those days I just unfriended him on social medias He still could of text . Nope . Fast forward to today . My mom and dad were in shitty ass moods . I was trying to do something nice for dad . I made him breakfast . I didn't think mom wanted any. And she got mad at me and said something like oh I see since I have nothing to offer you , you don't make me breakfast . I was trying to be nice . She didn't ask him . I was just trying to nice . I was teasing dad alittle about the bathroom . While he was working and I know he was in a crappy mood . But he was being really rude and mean to me . I was feeling crappy about myself . Then my nephews and I were playing basketball and Logan didn't want his brother to play and I said he could and Logan called Jake a retard and they were about to hit each other I told Logan to go in house . He came back out and took the ball. Fine what ever I told Jake let's go in the house . Because it wasn't very nice of Logan . I try telling my mom all about what happen just to vent and she told me to tell my father because he was siding with Logan . Logan never does anything wrong always Jake . I just wanted to vent to my mom and she didn't want to hear it . She knows how it is. But just thinks I want her to do something about it. When it's not true at all. I always have to listen to her vent on about whatever is bothering her . Reassure her all the time but she never wants to be there for me. She's always there for her friends. Then crying up in my room . Talking to myself. Weird I know. When I get Snapchat from chris . Who I was interested in. He didn't exactly break up with me since weren't dating . But he was like can I ask you a question . Which wasn't a fucking question . Can we be friends? Like what the fuck? Um he wrote he meet a girl and he really likes her and he still wants to my friend and all. I give him points in honestly . But what in the hell am I suppose to say. No I like you blah blah. Like he made up his mind long ago . He talk to this ahead of time . I acted all yeah no totally fine , I want you to be happy . Bullshit and I do want him happy. But it's a really bad timing . Like I'm at a emotional break down and this is the time I am being rejected by a second guy? Like really? He went to Chicago to see this girl. Like they're going to have a fucking long distance relationship. I got rejected for a long distance beautiful girl. great . It's fine . I mean it wasn't going anywhere and he and I both knew it . I just didn't need to be rejected by both my parents and a guy I liked in one day. It's cruel joke

[ouat1111-blog]

 I dont Trust men.  well that’s not true. I trust two Boys. 

Logan and Jacob.  my nephews.

 but i guess that’s because i’ve been in their lives since their birth. 

But Dating wise. I wait for the ball to drop. waiting for something bad to happen. I wasn’t going to get attached . I knew i was going to catch feelings. maybe that was my problem. if i spent to much time with one guy and start liking him romantically..  i knew i was going to get hurt. or possibility of it.    i see other girls with boyfriends and they are so cute. they  do cute things to gether. and the guys ive dated or talked to. haven’t done that.  Do i want to be treated like a princess?  I don’t want alot . i dont want a guy to spoil me with gifts , expensive dinners. I want affection, i want attention.  i want to be carried by him, kissed in the ocean. i want nights spent on the back of bed of truck , laying and watching the stars/listening to music. and we kiss.  I want him to wait for me to be ready for sex. and when we do.. i want sparks between us. you know instant attraction...where we can’t get close enough.  i want to make him breakfast in the morning and hes appreciates it .  i want to slow dance at gathering. party.  make stupid silly videos together. 

i don’t want to catch feelings for somebody ... who tells me they arent looking for just sex. that they want to see where this goes too. but hasn’t texted you in five days.  i let myself become vulnerable. i told him secrets and private stuff. because i was looking for someone who would sympathize and understand. 

he sure went through alot of trouble to finally go on a date. couple dates . few hook ups. which was early in the dating. i shouldn’t of done. i was trying to get out of my comfort zone. i don’t regret doing those stuff. i just don’t like the feelings i have now. i want to just move on and pretend it was just a faint memory in the past. 

[ouat1111-blog]

 For a few days now. i was feeling really down about myself. only self harmer i think knows that feeling in your gut. that sinking numb feeling. like when you are at the peak of a rollercoaster looking down.  that anxiety i guess.  i wanted to  cut.  i hadn’t cut in MONTHS. I didn’t cut. I am so proud of myself for not doing that.  I was feeling all these things . anger, and confusion, insecurity. over a guy. I was talking to three guys .i was romantically interested in.  the Florida guy, charlton guy, and Auburn guy. i dropped Florida guy because it seemed all he wanted to talk about was sex . and he didn’t want to make an effort to talk about anything besides that.  I was getting to know Charlton guy.  i didn’t know how i felt about him yet.  Auburn guy was sexually attracted to him, and i known him the longest,  but he was so busy with work or school and his spare time he was always at the gym and i never really got to talk to him. it started feeling like he only wanted to talk about sex .  Charlton guy well.. i wasnt interested him for awhile then we talked more. hung out, went on a couple dates, fooled around and make out. i thought it was going great. and i started feeling like i was letting him down you know . i wasnt ready to go all the way with him. i wanted to make sure it was getting serious. i was never sure and i should of asked. after that one night of sleeping over. things changed. text messages were far between. i know his brother came up and other family friends,. but he would text me first, i would respond and it would take him an hour or three hours to respond back and the convo wasn’t going anywhere. and he never ask if i wanted to hang out sometime.  i made small inncent post on my fb page and he text me about it.  he siad he isn’t ignoring me and its not about sex. that he too wants to see where this goes. okay fine. he was sick i guess. the last couple days. we texted alittle . but like before far between.  i was being obssessed.. what exactly is he doing? like i saw him on facebook.  he would text me good morning early every time he had class. or give me compliments. Last night he didn’t read my last text and i saw him on facebook messager.  i was like okay whatever.  i know when people say one thing and mean another. i don’t want to wait around for someone ... if they’re not 100% into me. that they’re keeping me in their life ..on a back burner you know? that was the feeling i was getting. and i felt like i was bothering him.  I’m very insecure woman. I don’t expect texting all day . but i do expect if you are texting me once . keep the convo going for a few minutes, and say hey im in the middle of something i text you when im available. or be honest and say i dont feel like talking to you right now.  he knows i go moments where i dont feel like talking to anyone. i did that to him before we even hooked up. but when i started liking him. i would never dismissed his text message.  he was doing that to me . i get people are busy. but if you  are so busy.. why do you have so much time checking you messager for 30 minutes and can’t take one minute to respond to my text and say i dont feel like talk to you right now. whether that sounds cruel... i rather get response . then wait by the phone. 

   I need to learn to love myself.. be comfortable alone with my thoughts.. be comfortable  with other peoples validations. i should accept the way i feel and that i have every right to feel the way i feel.  i don’t need another person telling me yes you have the right to feel that way. or you shouldnt feel that way... thats not okay. you are wrong.  i need to decide on my own on what i should or shouldn’t feel.  

i shouldn’t just start talking to another guy and flirt because i feel abandoned by Charlton guy.  to boost my confidence. thats not fair to me.I don’t feel desirable  afterwards. I think wow now you are looking for validation. you think now you are important because some other guy is giving you attention. I know it all stems from my relationship with my father.  the approval , love, wanting his attention, wanting him to accept me and my needs.. getting so upset when he criticized me , or he was to busy for me. never living up to his expectation. 

i don’t need his approval, i dont need his  attention.  i need me . i need to look inside of myself for all those things. because no one is going to give it to me. i have to live with myself. 

[ouat1111-blog]

Its not okay....

It’s not okay to feel guilty when i eat.  just ate small breakfast sandwich the premade ones frozen.  i have an eating disorder mindset. before i got home i walked 3 miles.  last year i was 138lbs  now down to 124lbs.  last i check i was 124lbs

i really want to get down to 122lbs .  my goal weight is 118lbs . i wanted to weigh that . for years.  i’ve havent been in the teens since i was in middle school .  so i would be so happy to be that small. 

i would like to wear either small/medium shirts

wear size  4-6 pants  .

goal body