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otterofblockley-blog · 7 years

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On personal growth

I have been spending a lot of my free time focusing inward and trying to expand my state of conscious thought. I've learned a few things about self actualization and that I have moved to the phase where I try to positively impact others. I have accepted who I am, and I am comfortable in my own skin. I have accepted my purpose in this world and the significance (or insignificance) of it in the design.

What I have learned is that the pattern is immeasurable and innumerable, that our grasp of structures like language and mathematics are so small compared to what it must be like to operate on the next tier up, that we can't even imagine the scope of the tiers above. Our word for a higher power, God, is so imperfect. To make an analogy, we don't have enough paint to give even a terrible rendition of what it might look like and comprehend and empathize with or desire. It would be as if you had to cover a canvas the size of a football field with only a single drop of water.

Recently I've spent a lot of time thinking about how God, being everything, is entropy and creation. Two sides of the same coin that cause all things to begin and to end. But not just the words because everyone knows the words, actually trying to wrap my mind around the concept of what it must be like to exist outside of time and be able to sit back and look at the entire picture of time all at once and every insignificant speck. To know where each one goes, and can go, and will go and to just watch the chaos unfold, and to at any moment have the agency to change the colors, or hues, or contrasts or positions, or even existence of any and all of those insignificant dots.

Infinite is such a profound idea, to think that between every moment, every tiny millisecond that we can measure that there is an infinite. Even the concept of absolute zero and achieving a temperature that is so cold that electrons would stop seems so profound for me. Questioning the nature of the make up of the universe is very common, I've come to accept that the answers don't matter.

But the growth in me recently has allowed me to accept that it is not sad nor is it happy that I will never have these answers. My place isn't to be the keeper of these details or to be the curiosity that helps us all to delve deeper. My actual purpose is simple, I once wrote in my youth that maintaining happiness and passion must be the most important things and that I didn't ever want to lose focus on the passion of youth that I felt. As I have aged, and felt the weight of responsibility and aches of age I realize why it was that I could not recognize the passion in the adults around me. We all carry around the weight of our memories and hopes and dreams and losses and regrets. Self actualization is to carry those heavy things, and accepting that weight as a part of yourself. And then after realizing how much harder life is walking the "high road" path, how much harder it is to uphold certain ideals, you accept it and you carry on day after day, step after step on that path. Judgement is a trap, we can't know all the circumstances, Justice is a lie, the universe, God, it doesn't have empathy the same way we care about our loved ones. It probably does "feel" something, but its beyond our understanding and grasp to even wonder WHAT or HOW it feels. Because the nature of our questions are wrong we will never have an answer that satisfies our hunger. Aristotle's natural law only follows if you look at the light side of the coin. Light creates shadow, Man eats beasts and/or plants and we never stop to ask why were consuming things to exist, its just instinctual. Viruses infect and kill us and they don't ask why there consuming there hosts it's just instinct. I've never felt justice, I've felt spite, I've felt luck, I've felt chaos, but justice doesn't exist, its a fallacy, a construct to help us overcome fear.

I was once offered a chance at peace, at surrender, to just disappear into the abyss, the nothing, the darkness. But it wasn't fear or regret that made me hold onto whatever it was inside my metaphysical form, it was purpose. It's sappy to say that love is a magical force that can solve all the worlds problems, sappy and juvenile. But the greater understanding behind that old adage is finding the meaning of the word, like trying to understand the 5th dimension when we are trapped here in our 3 dimensional existence. Purpose and the word love combined is something closer to what I felt when I accepted the pain over the peace. I had to embrace the pain, not suck it up and get tougher or reach deep down or any bullshit that made me more because I was powerful. I had to truly embrace that that darkness was a part of me as well as the light and be okay with the fact that I am not my successes or failures, I am not my material possessions or my social standing. I am nothing in this meaningless void except for my will. And my will, my soul, my ichigai, my purpose was to make someone else’s life better than my own. Because if justice is not real than why should I accept losing to something else’s unfair rules. If it's a test I AM prepared to cheat to help others, because the test shouldn't be about me, it is about the people I care for, I never felt more at peace then in the tiny moment when I was ready to sacrifice everything for someone else, never felt more secure in my decision.

I am not talented at my purpose yet, no excuses here I just know that there is a lot left to be desired and I believe that if I had truly actualized and overcame my physical barriers I would have a better handle on my shortcomings and be able to completely turn off pain and anxiety, mind over matter, I can't. But at least now that I have reached this phase of my consciousness I have started the work in earnest to leave behind my bread crumbs, my good deeds that will help me find my way through the pain every morning and back to my purpose so that for a few waking hours every day I am able to work towards a small goal. Small steps are better, easier to digest in small steps, especially when you haven't eaten in so long. Spend so many years trying to be the best for yourself, you lose the ability to hold wholesome selflessness down in big portions.

Feeling helpless is a natural part of everything's existence, and as much as we strive to control our surroundings the only thing we can ever hope to achieve is an illusion of safety. Its mathematically more probable that I will stop existing before I fix any problems that truly matter, even any of my own. But at least I can feel assured in this one thought, I exist for now and because I do I can try my best to leave behind memories for the one person who matters the most with every second that I can rally my inner strength.

If I have learned anything at all, If I know any truth, it is this; To be or not to be isn't the question, How do I become (x) before I start to not be, that is the question and x is the destination and the journey, it is entropy and creation. We aspire to be god's ourselves and to create and to destroy because we are stuck with so little paint. But there is a minuscule amount in each of us, so if you change enough lives, and mix the colors together, you can maybe leave something behind. A ripple on the waters surface only, but a ripple none the less. I don't need to be the hero of an epic or an epoch, I just need to be good enough for one tiny person, and teach them to love themselves better than I had the chance to. Wish, Pray, Dream, Strive, or Give up but be the will and write your own story, don't ever give that pen away, not for a single page.

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otterofblockley-blog · 7 years

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