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africa, my hopes and dreams.

literally all i want in this lifetime is to get a degree, have a somewhat stable lifestyle/routine and drain this country of its resources and then go back home to africa and replenish my country. 1st world, 3rd world, 10th world bullshit. we are all great, let's make that known.

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travel bucketlist!!!

given nobody sees this but myself, i thought i'd construct a list of all the places in the world i'd like to see.

"but, why do you want to travel the world? what is there to see? isn't it dangerous? what is there to do?"

well, i'd love to travel to gain a greater sense of awareness about the people, customs and cultures that exist all around me. growing up in a first world country, you have an entitled sense of the world [even, as a minority]. you may wholeheartedly believe that everything you have right there is all you need and there's no place in the world that's any better. but this is not true. and i realised this wasn't true a very long time ago but did nothing to genuinely expand this deep-rooted belief that there is more to the world than this here country [and no... i'm not american]. however, i've now been given the opportunity [financially and physically] to travel!! there are beauties and visual treasures that cannot be replicated in some areas of the world.. so captivating you don't want to leave. groups of people so divine, you're nothing but in awe of them. and in terms of danger, it is literally everywhere - from just outside your front doorstep or even inside your home to the farthest corners of the earth.

point is - there's a whole world out there to be understood. and travelling is a beautiful means of learning of people, cultures and experiences i otherwise would not have met nor experienced. it is the best use of money, in my opinion as you're getting an unbeatable experience in exchange for ya dollaz. but yeah! bucket list!!!!!

EUROPE:

>>> France: Paris, Marseille and Nice

>>> Spain: Valencia, Barcelona [Trip to Andorra?], Tenerife, Gran Canaria

>>> Portugal: Lisbon, Algarve

>>> Italy: Milan, Rome

>>> Berlin + Amsterdam [Respectively, obvs]

>>> Kosovo

AFRICA:

>> Morocco: Casablanca, Fes, Marrakech

>> Tunisia: Tunis, Sousse, Hammamet

>> Algeria: Oran, Algiers

>> Cape Verde: Mindelo and Sal

>> Senegal: Dakar

>> Ghana: Accra

>> Nigeria: Lagos

>> South Africa: Cape Town, Johannesburg

>> Tanzania: Zanzibar

>> Madagascar: [unsure where!!]

>> Seychelles

>> Mauritius

>> Kenya: Nairobi

>> Ethiopia + Eritrea <3

>> Egypt: Sharm El Sheikh, Cairo

Anddddd, imma probs upload my second list soon enough.

Peace!!

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The 1st of May. A very important day in pop culture history. But, for the past 3 [give or take a year or two] Cardi B's outfits have been the most exuberant, beautiful, lively and perfect. IN MY OPINION..

Cardi B is the new queen of the Met Gala.

+ Blake Lively. I'd say it's a close one between those two. But Cardi should be given her flowers. Her ensembles are always delightful.

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social media

i've heard a million times about social media detoxing. but, i tried it and it was fun. in fact, it was brilliant. naturally, after the initial panic, depression, anxiety, frustration and helplessness [social media withdrawals...], it went smoothly. i adapted, my friends adapted. family adapted. life was good. it lasted six months before i had critical exams which meant i had to use my smartphone again. naturally, i thought hey. i've been so happy, free and calm. going back to a smartphone will be exciting! the novelty wore off after 24hrs. And HEY!! LISTEN!! i acknowledge that it's probably my lack of self-control or DEFINITELY my lack of self-control. but yeah. when on a smart phone, i can't avoid using social media again. so... yeah. anyways, from then [about a year ago], i've been back on my social media-ish. i do nothing but doomscroll essentially every single day and i have virtually no hobbies. tuff. it's skewed my sense of security and now i'm in need of redirection. hopefully, when i start my new job - i won't need my smartphone!! cuz i'm willing to ditch it and be free! only issue is life is a little lonely when i'm not on it? huh. i should probably stop being chronically online and harbour REAL LIFE relationships then. LOL. okay well... i'll likely SOCIAL MEDIA DETOX [tumblr's like my digital diary so maybe not this but everything else - instagram etc.,].

LOVEEEEEEE,

XO

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what am i looking for out of life?

Go ahead, put anything. Anything? Okay I will.

Validation. I'm looking for validation - all I seek in this lonely, desolate, depressing ass chapter of mi vida is validation. By that, I mean I wanna be seen heard, felt, loved, listened to, called to, wanted, needed, thought of and cherished eternally. I'm like a caterpillar finally shredding it's chrysalis, free of its cocoon. or rather a snake?? bursting out and tearing free of its old skin. I see the common denominator here is liberty. You see, for a long time I thought shopaholicism would solve my issues. A shiny new thing to melt all my problems away. Or a big fat haul to make me feel whole again. I have to stop myself from buying an iPhone 4 (?? nostaglia???!) or a random bundle of clothing off eBay in the lonely hours of the evening to make myself feel better. Because, THE TRUTH IS i need AIR. I need to feel LOVED. if I haven't said, my current situation means I'm lonely 80% of the time. And I'm the verge of being a stoner. Man. Life sucks. I need a job, too [I got one but I don't start for a few days :/]. Because once I'm working, I'll have a schedule and SOME sanity. Some motivation and a whole lotta money. Then... once I've worked up enough dough. I can leave the country and experience the world around me before we all deteriorate and die thanks to the continuously neglected climate situation. Anyhow. I'm just a single gal going through a dramatic crisis LOL.

Peace

P.S., LOL I know I've tagged 'my year of rest' but on quite the contrary, I avoid sleep instead of indulging it. We are essentially one and the same - I and that nameless main character.

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alone

heyo, i'm bored [per usual]. i had a job interview today at 1pm but i woke up feeling like ASS so i re-scheduled but i've already re scheduled twice so i hope they don't take this into consideration [they probably will] and decide not to hire my ass. i really need a job. i really need money. i'm hungry, i'm thirsty, i'm dying, rent is due, desperation isn't nearby, it's housed in my chest and it's HEAVY. anyhow, imma wake up tomorrow and even try and get there EARLY. super anxious. this job actually pays well, it's closeby and it's a new place. love love love. i look pretty good these days ever since i went blonde, too, so hopefully they hire me. I PRAY I GET HIRED.

i feel like i blog like anybody knows me, even though i don't make a point to hide my identity. i like quiet social media - where nobody really views your shit and it's just you and a billion other users that don't even know you exist. ironic because i'm still expanding my digital footprint LOL. anyhow. yeah. i don't know WHEN i got stuck in the hospitality world - i told myself i never would but damn, i'm too STUCK to let myself explore. i'm just wasting time. which is cool because despite popular belief and [UNPOPULAR OPINION], we have so much of it. yeah, life is short but time is even longer. if that makes any sense. ok, it does. anyhow, idk i also feel like i have a shitty sleeping schedule, don't see anybody enough - just my ceiling and phone screen. my appetite is depressing and i'm cranky and shit. i need to leave but i can't. or can i. feel like there's a lot of self-limitations going on here.

kk , CYA

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i'm sick of the city i've lived in forever

i'm burnt out, overstimulated, frustrated, confused and lost all at once. it feels so VULNERABLE to spill the guts that are my emotions out all over this blog like this and imprint my innermost thoughts and feelings onto my digital footprint (??? does that make sense ??? who cares) but GOD!!! I'M SO SICK OF THIS SHIT! i spent $700 on flights only to cancel them and lose half my money just because i want to get out of this fast-paced, never-ending hellscape of a city but can't bring myself to do so because i! am! so! burnt! out! okay. i'm only 18. cool. normal feelings. but i literally need to get out or i'll go crazy. i've partied, i've gone out to eat, i've met new people, i've gone to exhibitions, museums, festivals, clubs, libraries, friends' homes, beaches, funfairs and parks. i've seen incredible views and met really cool people. but the thought of continuing to live this same stagnant reality i currently have to endure is SOUL-CONSUMING. idk? where should i move to, guys? i got money in my pocket, youth and freedom. where would you go?!!>! the earth is just way too vast.