orchidstains

[orchidstains]

if u could choose 3 ppl to be stuck with in the stranded wilderness who would u pick 👀

3 comments from the artist

[ 미밍 ]: Wait... I want to trade out Kevin and put Daon there instead. Daon is way more entertaining than Kevin is. He could be our court jester! But make it stranded in the wilderness edition. [ 미밍 ]: I have no faith in us surviving! Especially if we're there for over two days. But at least we'll have fun while we're there 💜 Maybe Kuro would actually make it out... he seems resourceful in the games we've played. Saebi... I'm taking her with me.

[orchidstains]

chanmi had been fine. she was always fine. right now? a little lightheaded, sure. her cheeks hurt from smiling so much and her feet were definitely counting down the seconds until she got off of them, but this is nothing out of the ordinary. this was just how these shoots went. she powered through it like always.

so when eunhee appeared with water and a snack, chanmi practically perked up the second the bottle was placed beside her. like a puppy hearing a treat bag crinkle. her eyes widened, head snapping toward eunhee with the kind of exaggerated surprise that would’ve made anyone who didn't know her already roll their eyes. "is this for me?" she gasped, already reaching for it. "this is- wow. that’s, like, real love." that's what she'd always call the quiet, perfectly timed way others tended to care for chanmi: real love.

she clutched the bottle to her chest for a second like it was a medal of honor, lips twitching into a smile she didn’t try to hide. there were still red marks on her shoulders from the straps of the last outfit, and she was now aware of just how much makeup she would have to remove later, but that was the least of her concerns. she opened the bottle and took a sip, eyes fluttering shut like she was in a commercial. "mm. tastes like someone cares about my wellbeing."

the protein bar followed. she turned it over in her hands inspecting the packaging before unwrapping it anyway. she scrunched her nose at the flavor, made a face, unwrapped it anyway. she didn't hesitate to start nibbling, swinging her socked feet, one lightly bumping against the leg of the chair as she ate. she was restless, like her body hadn’t quite gotten the memo that the work was over. "this tastes like compressed disappointment into a bar, by the way," she mumbled, though she kept eating anyway. "do you-" she swallowed, "do you have anything sweet? like, real candy? any jellies? taffies? even a choco pie at this point. just something with sugar in it. my body’s crying for help and this protein bar is taking years off of my lifespan."

and then came the words chanmi had been waiting to hear.chanmi had always liked hearing from others that she did well, even before she became a trainee. the praise landed, quiet, unwrapped with no ribbon. but it still made something flutter in her chest. she swallowed the bite in her mouth and rested her chin on her palm, looking at eunhee with a half-grin.

"too late," she said, playful. "it’s already in my head. they’re lucky i’m not getting "the favorite" tattooed on my forehead." she leaned back, letting her head tip against the chair, voice a little more matter-of-fact now. "i did worked really hard today." not fishing. not bragging. just stating it plainly, like it was something she owed herself to say out loud. and maybe she did. there were a large number of days in the past where she worked hard but didn't acknowledge her own efforts. at least now, she gives herself some credit. but as always, a moment can never be too serious with chanmi. her half-grin widens into a full one as she speaks again. "but if you do see my ego spiraling, it is definitely your fault."

half a breath -- w/ @orchidstains

eunhee hadn’t hovered. that wasn’t her style.

but she’d been keeping tabs—from the corner of the studio, half-watching the monitor between schedule updates and message threads, taking note of which angles the photographer seemed to favor and how long cerise had been on her feet. she knew how these shoots went. sometimes you got a breeze; sometimes you got three hours of wardrobe changes and a stylist tugging your collar between every frame.

today looked like the latter.

when the final set wrapped, she let the staff buzz around for a moment—lights dimming, outfits disappearing back into garment bags, someone in the back requesting iced americanos for the ride home—and slipped out of the main area without a word.

she came back five minutes later with a bottle of water pulled from the good fridge (the one in the admin lounge) and a vending machine snack—nothing fancy, just something with protein. she didn’t interrupt or ask how the shoot had gone. cerise already knew if it went well. and if it didn’t, eunhee wasn’t about to pick at the thread.

instead, she stepped into the waiting area where cerise was seated and placed both the bottle and the snack beside her with a soft but definitive tap.

“hydrate,” she said simply. a beat. then, “eat something before the next thing.”

she settled a chair over, tablet still in hand, stylus resting between her fingers. she didn’t pretend to work. just sat quietly for a moment, letting the silence settle into something that wasn’t tense. it was a skill she’d learned years ago—how to sit near someone without crowding them.

“you handled today well,” she added eventually, voice even but slightly warmer around the edges. her praise never came exaggerated. just enough to land, to stick.

she glanced over, one brow raised like she might add something else. then— “they like you. don’t let it go to your head.”

another pause. then, with the faintest edge of a smile as she looked back down at her screen: “but they’re not wrong.”

[orchidstains]

hi, idols! as an apology for the pause in operations on the main and the lack of monthly schedules, we come bearing gifts... an ask meme! this isn't the honesty hour that was mentioned a while back (as that will be used as part of our next event), but we think it'll still be lots of fun. check under the cut for all the details!

✩　[조태준] message is here!

our second ask meme will be in the form of interactions on hi-u, midas labels' very own artist-to-fan communication app, and girl talk, the exclusive communication app for girl code. the following questions, inspired by questions that idols are commonly asked by fans online and during fansigns, must be answered with your muse's public image in mind. your muse's answers do not have to be honest, but they must remain appropriate. if you do choose to have your muse respond inappropriately, there will be in-character consequences. if you're willing to take that risk, you may, but we recommend running any potential inappropriate answers by us to know what the companies' reactions would be. the goal of this meme is to explore your muses' public images a bit further, and let other muns see how they interact with their fans. you can send any of the below questions to any mun/muse that reblogs this post. you are more than welcome to send in your own custom questions, from the pov of that muse's fan (or an antifan). we do encourage avoiding sending any questions that could be deemed too inappropriate, but many idols do experience hate and inappropriate or intrusive questions on these platforms, so you're welcome to also send in questions in that vein (as long as the mun you are sending it to is okay with it).

would you rather have five [group member] or a five-year-old [group member]?

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if you could spend one day with your fans, what would you want to do?

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today's TMI?

tell us something about your trainee days!

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✩　are you their manager?

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[orchidstains]

240611 ⋆˚ʚɞ zombie

[orchidstains]

"as long as it’s not the almond croissant?" chanmi echoes, tilting her head with mock innocence. "hmm. now that you mentioned it...” there’s a beat where she does glance at the case again, eyes glinting like she might still go for it. it's just to cause a little chaos in the early morning, but then she grins, wide and unbothered. "don’t worry," she says, stepping back half a pace and holding her drink up like a toast. "i’m in the mood for something a little more sweet anyway.”

her gaze drifts over the pastries one more time before she perks up, remembering the suggestion given by her unlucky victim. “oh! the french toast muffin. okay, wait. you’re right. that one’s like… stupidly good." if there's anything chanmi could bet money on, it'd be that she had tried everything in the cafe at least once. well, at least everything that has been offered since ninety-9 creative became apart of the midas family. she squints at the display, tapping her finger lightly against her cup. “but yeah, you’re onto something. it is good, but imagine it with a little cinnamon sugar on top? or like... drizzled with maple syrup?” she hums, already tasting the delicacy on her tongue. honestly, with how much she likes sweets, chanmi feels like she’s describing something borderline sinful.

she pauses, catching herself mid-ramble, then looks at saetbyeol as if this is somehow her fault. because in a way it kind of was. but it was also her own fault. chanmi let out a quiet laugh that was more ot herself than anything. "ugh, now i’m going to start carrying syrup in my bag like some kind of dessert-prepper. is that insane? don’t answer that. thank you and sorry, by the way. i get a little overexcited around sugar and strangers who know how to order well." her voice is lighter now, a little warm, a little teasing. chanmi turns slightly toward the counter, like she’s already gearing up to order. "do you come here around this time every morning, then? i don't think i've ran into you during one of my spontaneous stops before."

saetbyeol has something of a daily routine. she doesn't like change - day in and day out, she remains confident and comfortable by maintaining a degree of familiarity. for weeks now, she's been starting her days with an oat milk matcha latte and a croissant. it's a combination that she finds perfect; not only do the flavors compliment each other well, but now that she's found something she likes, it's one less thing that she has to decide on in a day.

she's eyeing the last almond croissant now, patiently awaiting for either the girl beside her—chanmi—to make her decision, or for the employee to notice that she is ready to order. suddenly, chanmi turns toward her - a deviation from her routine, a spur-of-the-moment encounter. "oh!" she exclaims quietly, a gentle acknowledgement that, well... this is her dilemma now, too.

"as long as it's not the almond croissant..." she suggests, smiling to show that she's joking—mostly. she then takes a moment to think, humming a long note of consideration. it's a dreary morning, clouds still blocking out most of the sunlight - she uses this as her deciding factor. "you should get something sweet to brighten your day. have you tried the french toast muffins? super good."

[orchidstains]

SIHYEON ZOMBIE (240613)

[orchidstains]

— Task 1, Prompt 7: Dear Diary also known as five random entires throughout chanmi's training period.

tw: mental health conditions (low self-esteem and self-deprecating), and allusions to disorderd eating/repeated mentions of skipped meals. mun note: please let me know if i missed any trigger warnings, i've been in and out of this task for days hopping back and forth between entries and i'd rather not reread my writing before i delete this entire thing... but i think i got the big ones already. also didn't date these because i didn't feel like figuring that out... if u read all of this.... please dont. this is not my best work.

entry one.

i think i’m messing everything up.

i got off work late again tonight. i was supposed to clock out at six. i told myself if i left on time, i’d be able to catch the 6:18 bus and arrive at the studio a little early. maybe i’d even have time to eat something before training. wouldn't be a real meal, but it'd probably be something warm and didn’t taste like preservatives or come out of a vending machine. but then the shop owner asked if i could help clean out the back fridge. “just ten minutes,” he said. it turned into forty.

and i didn’t argue. i never do. i think he knows that. it’s like people can smell when you won’t push back. like they can tell when you’re too tired to say no.

i missed the bus. again. stood under the bathroom light changing out of my work clothes, shivering while i pulled on my hoodie. my hands smelled like disinfectant since i scrubbed them pink in the bathroom sink. by the time i got on the bus, the ache in my body had started to blend with the one in my head. like fog pressing in from every direction.

when i got to the studio, warm-ups were already halfway through. the trainer didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to. the silence was enough. she looked down at her clipboard and didn’t look back up. i bowed. apologized clearly. took my place and tried to stay small. i always try to be small when i’m late. maybe if i don’t take up space, no one will remember i’m falling behind.

but today, everything felt worse. i messed up choreography i knew. my legs were heavy, my turns were late. and when it came time to sing, my voice cracked. again. third time this week. i saw one of the older trainees flinch... not out of cruelty, just reflex. secondhand embarrassment. i understood it. i felt it too. i wanted to crawl out of my own body and disappear.

i held it together through the rest of practice. nodded at feedback. i pretended to be fine. but the second i stepped into the hallway, i lost it.

i sat on the floor, back against the wall, and cried. again. and god i’m so tired of crying. tired of feeling sorry for myself. tired of carrying this heavy thing in my chest and never knowing what to call it. it’s not just sadness. it’s shame. shame that i still want this so badly. shame that after all this time, all this work, i still haven’t gotten any closer to becoming someone worth remembering.

i keep wondering if i should just go home. just quietly take the last bus. pack my things while everyone’s out. call my parents and tell them it’s okay, i’ll figure something else out. i can work at the restaurant again. finish school. save up. stop running everywhere. maybe i’d feel lighter. maybe i’d sleep better. maybe i’d stop crying in hallways.

but then i think about singing. that one part of my day where my voice feels like the only honest thing i have. the only thing that belongs to me.

and i don’t know where that part of me goes if i give this up.

so i’ll keep trying. not because i believe in myself because i don’t, not tonight. but because i want to believe again eventually. and maybe wanting is enough for now.

entry two.

i cried at the bathroom sink today. but it wasn't a breakdown ot a sob. just quiet tears while i washed my hands. i didn’t even feel them start. didn't notice until someone walked in and asked if i was okay. all i said was “just tired,” and laughed like it was a joke. and maybe it was. what else am i supposed to say? i'm not the only one here tired.

i’ve stopped keeping track of how often i cry. it’s not dramatic anymore. it’s just something my body does. like breathing. like blinking. like the way my back hurts in the mornings. but today didn’t feel like a collapse. it felt… still. like my body had given up trying to scream for help and was just settling into the ache.

i stayed behind again after practice. not because i had to. because i didn’t want to go back to the dorm. it’s always too loud in the wrong ways. doors slamming, water running, laughter that feels like it belongs to people i don’t really know. i don���t feel like i exist in that space. i'm not that close to the others, i'm always out during the times they spend together and bond. maybe the lack of chemistry would be why i don't make it.

the studio, though.. i danced until my legs couldn’t keep up, then laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling until the lights turned off. sometimes i think this room is the only place where i feel real. not because i’m happy here, but because the noise inside my head gets a little quieter. the pressure stays, but the silence makes it easier to carry.

i heard someone singing in the room next door. they were good. not perfect, but good in a way that made me stop and really listen. there was something vulnerable about it. they weren’t trying to impress anyone. it sounded like they were just trying to let something out. like they were singing to themselves. it made me miss the version of myself that used to sing like that. before it all turned into grades, evaluations, rankings. before every note became a measurement of whether or not i belonged here.

my throat’s been hurting more. i think it’s the cold, or maybe overuse, or maybe just everything all at once. i’ve been scared to say anything in case it sounds like an excuse. i'm not used to asking for help. i'm used to “pushing through.” but my voice has started giving out halfway through run-throughs, and i’m trying to act like i don’t hear it. i looked up vocal strain rehab on my phone at work. saved a few links but never opened them. what’s the point of tips when your body’s too tired to listen? i haven't found the answer yet.

i miss my family. i think about them a lot lately. i miss my parents... not for advice. just… comfort. they always knew when i was pretending to be okay. never pushed me to say it, just made sure there was food waiting and a light left on. they’d tell me i’m doing fine even if i wasn’t. sometimes i think about calling her, but i don’t want them to hear how small my voice has gotten.them

and i miss my siblings. my brother used to tease me all the time... said i always looked like i was carrying the weight of the universe in my backpack. i wonder if he’d still say that now. probably. he always made things sound lighter, even when they weren’t. my sister’s probably taller now. she used to leave her shoes everywhere and sing with her whole chest, even when she was off-key. i’d tell her to be quiet, and she’d just sing louder. now i wish i could hear her voice through the walls again. i guess the person i heard singing was the closest i'd get to being back home... but i wish i could walk into the kitchen and see my little sister eating cereal out of a coffee mug like it was normal.

i wonder if they miss me. i wonder if i’d recognize them if i passed them on the street. i wonder if they still talk about me, or if i’ve already started fading out of the picture.

i wish i was more like the other trianees. i still feel like i snuck in through the fire exit and no one’s noticed yet. one day someone’s going to tap me on the shoulder and say, “hey, you weren’t supposed to be here.”

and some days, i think maybe they’d be right.

but the person that sang in the next room reminded me why i came here in the first place. not to win. not to be perfect. just to feel and make others feel. and to let something out of me that i don’t know how to explain in words.

i don’t know if that’s enough. but tonight, it was enough to keep me going.

entry three.

there’s this girl who keeps talking to me like we’re friends.

she’s definitely younger. joined a little after me. she’s kind of talks like one of those people that have never been told to be quiet... but not in a bad way. more like... words are just another kind of breathing for her. she fills every empty space without hesitating, kind of like my younger sister. at first, i found it exhausting. now, it just… is.

she doesn’t get tired of reaching out. i’ve tried being short with her, but she doesn’t take it personally. she asked if i wanted to stretch together last week and i said, “i usually do it alone,” and she just said, “okay,” and sat next to me anyway. and the first time she spoke to me, i was microwaving packaged ramyeon. she said something like “oh! you like that brand too?” and then started rambling about how she used to eat it. or at least i think she did. i kind of turned her out since i was so hungry, but i assumed she may have started talking about how her mom always told her not to eat too much instant food and how everything tastes different when you make it for yourself. i'm not sure. but she did ask if i missed home cooking, too. i didn’t answer.

sometimes she tries to relate to me in ways that don’t really fit. she said something like, “yeah, i worked for my parents too!” right after i told her i used to work at my parents' restaurant. it was an internship, not out of necessity. i don’t think she’s trying to make me feel bad. i don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it. i can tell she comes from a better financial situation... she’s just young. probably hasn’t had to think much about what she has, or how it sounds when she talks about it.

i’m not mad. she doesn’t feel condescending. just… a little clueless. and harmless. and maybe that’s why i haven’t pulled away from her. she’s not trying to hurt me. i think she really is trying to connect. she sits next to me during warm-ups. she still talks even when i don’t answer. today, she gave me what feels like a compliment. i didn’t say thank you, but i did offer a smile. i’m still not sure what to say to her.

and then there’s the quiet one.

i don’t know her name either. i probably learned it once. i probably even heard someone call it across the room. but i haven’t gotten around to memorizing names and faces the right way. most days, i’m too focused on not falling behind. i know her face though. she doesn't speak much when i'm around, but not in a rude way. just quiet. observant. like she’s always watching something the rest of us haven’t noticed yet. i’ve noticed her watching me a few times over the past few months. just brief glances between transitions, across the studio, in the reflection of the mirror. not judging. just… observing.

we’ve barely exchanged more than a handful of words. not because i didn’t want to talk to her, i just don't have the energy. i used to be good at conversation. at making people feel comfortable. but here, i’ve been so tired for so long that even smiling feels like work. it also kind of worried me that she was looking at me, but i don't think i need to worry about that anymore.

i think she’s the one leaving me snacks.

a protein bar tucked into my jacket. banana milk next to my bag . lozenges near my water bottle when my throat was sore. quiet offerings always somewhere for only me to find. i don't think anyone else pays enough attention to me to notice that other than her.

last week, i stayed behind to rehearse. when i came back from the restroom, there was a little packet of candy on my towel. i didn’t eat it at first. just stared at it for a while. i wondered how she knew i had a sweet tooth, then figured she might've guessed after watching me a few times.. i then slipped it into my bag without saying anything.

i haven’t thanked her yet. i don’t know what to say to her either. but it stuck with me.

she’s so talented... probably the best one here. she never complains. never boasts. just learns. performs. delivers. and if she noticed that i was always hungry for a snack, then she might've also noticed i was always behind, always alone… butinstead of discouraged, i thought that maybe i should try. and the girl who keeps sitting next to me, who keeps talking to me even when i don't respond, who keeps showing up like it’s the most natural thing in the world... maybe she deserves more than my silence.

i don’t know if we’ll ever get close. i don’t spend much time with the others. i always have somewhere else to be... work, lessons, laundry, a voice memo i forgot to rehearse. sometimes i leave before anyone says goodbye, just so i don’t have to pretend i’m not exhausted. but i’ve been trying lately. a little. i’ve started nodding back when someone says hi. i joined a group stretch. i even laughed once. but i don’t think i’ll ever be good at friendships again. not here. not when i still feel like i’m on the verge of disappearing and too tired to talk. but i’m trying.

i’m trying to remember names. i’m trying to say hello first. i’m trying to be someone who receives kindness instead of just shrinking from it.

i’m trying to get to know all of them. and maybe, through that, i’ll figure out how to keep myself afloat here.

entry four.

i think i want to stay.

not because everything suddenly feels right. not because i’ve found certainty or security or confidence that i'm debuting. but something in me finally feels like it’s beginning to root. like maybe i’m allowed to be here and that i have a chance.

i sang in front of the vocal trainer today. same exercise, same verse we’ve been doing for awhile. and when they corrected me, told me to start again, my body didn’t tense. my throat didn’t close. i didn’t want to cry. i just nodded, reset my breath, and tried again. i still messed up. cracked on the same note i always do. but it wasn't as bad as it usually was. it didn’t spiral this time. it didn’t echo in my head like failure. it just… was. a moment. a mistake. not a definition. i’m so used to leaving practice feeling like i’ve failed. even when no one says it out loud. even when the feedback is soft. i’ve carried every correction like proof that i don’t belong here. like the smallest comment confirms everyone else is ahead of me. and maybe they are. but today, i didn’t take it like a wound. i took it like a reminder.

i think that’s new.

even though i got to know them more, the other trainees still make me a little nervous. they’re so sharp. so sure of themselves. i’ve never felt that way. not naturally. but lately, i’ve stopped measuring myself against them. not because i’ve caught up, because i haven’t, but because i’ve realized i don’t need to. their strengths aren’t mine. i can’t be like them, and i never will. but they also can't be like me and never will. i also caught myself smiling today during practice. like, really smiling. not because someone made a joke or because i was trying to look like i belonged. i was mid-run-through, going through the motions, and suddenly realized my face had softened. i felt… okay.

not amazing. not perfect. just okay.

and honestly, that felt like everything.

i’ve started thinking more seriously about my chances. what they are. where i fall. whether there’s space for someone like me in a lineup.

realistically, i’m average. or at least i was when i started. i came in behind. still learning how to move, how to sing in tune consistently, how to catch onto choreo without staring at my own feet. there were girls here with years of experience, connections, proper vocal or dancing lessons before training. i felt invisible for so long, like the only reason i hadn’t been cut yet was because someone forgot.

but now… i don’t know. i’m still not exceptional. but i’m not forgettable either. not anymore. i’ve been showing up. working. staying late. studying during breaks. watching others, listening closely, mimicking what works. i’ve gotten better. not overnight. not all at once. but consistently. i think i have natural charm or stage presence as some may put it. i’ve gotten a little more confidence, learned how to move even when i’m unsure.

and maybe that means more than i thought it did.

i’ve also been thinking about what kind of performer i want to be. when i used to imagine debuting, i thought about how it would look. the hair, the lights, the outfits. now, i think about how it would feel. i want to be the kind of artist people trust with their emotions. not the loudest voice in the room, but the one that cuts through the noise. i want to be someone who sings in a way that makes people feel seen. there's so much i want to be as an artist, but i can't put it into words quite yet.

and to do that, i have to see myself first.

it��s still hard. there are still days i go home and wonder if i’m just wasting time, wasting money i don’t have, energy i can’t afford to lose. i still overthink everything. i still brace when someone calls my name. i still have to remind myself to eat.

but i’m also catching glimpses of who i could be if i keep going.

i’m not there yet. i know that.

but today, when the trainer said, “again, from the top,” i didn’t feel like breaking. i felt ready.

and i think that has to count for something.

entry five.

something shifted today. maybe it was small. maybe it was everything.

we had evaluations this morning. i didn’t wake up confident. i still hadn’t fully shaken the cold that’s been following me all week. my throat was tight. my body felt like it hadn’t rested properly in days. i didn’t eat. i was too nervous.

but when i stepped into the room, something felt different. not easier... just… quieter. like the noise in my head had dimmed enough to let me breathe.

i sang.

and this time, it wasn’t about survival. i didn’t try to prove anything. i didn’t look for approval in their eyes. i just stood there and sang.

and it was good.

not perfect, i don’t think anything ever is. but the notes came out clear. my voice held through the bridge. the breath control i’ve been drilling into myself for months finally stuck. the phrasing was mine. the emotion was mine. and i wasn’t mimicking anyone this time. not the better girls, not the cleaner voices. it was just me.

when i finished, there was a pause. i hate those. the long, weighted kind that feel like silence before a fall.

but then the vocal trainer looked up and said, “you’ve improved. a lot. keep it up”

and i think i stopped breathing.

because for months, i’ve felt like a shadow in these rooms. a placeholder. someone they forgot to cut. someone trying to take up less space so no one would notice how much i didn’t belong.

but today they noticed. and for the right reasons.

i walked out of the room and didn’t cry. i didn't have a reason to i just… smiled. this small, private thing that stayed with me the whole time until i laid in bed.

i felt real. not fragile or invisible. not like an accident someone forgot to erase. just real.

my name got called fairly high in the ranking this time. i’ve never heard it that early before. a few of the girls turned to look at me. just surprised. and for once, i didn’t shrink under the attention. i stood there and let it happen.

i still have so far to go. my range isn’t where it needs to be. i have pitch slips when i get nervous, and there are days my voice barely gets through the last note. but now i know i can get there. because today proved that i’m not chasing something impossible, i’m just chasing something i’m still growing into. and for the first time, i didn’t feel like i had to earn my place back the second i left the room.

i just felt like i had a place.

and that changes everything.

on my way back to the dorm, i got a text from my manager at the store asking if i could cover another shift. someone had called out.

i didn’t even hesitate. just typed “yes” before i’d finished reading the rest. it’s automatic now... i still need the money. my parents are still short and it's due next week. i’ve been rewashing the same pair of tights for over a month, and the soles of my shoes are splitting at the seam again. i’ve stuffed tissue inside the heel just to keep the rain out, but i think i'll just buy a new pair once i get paid.

this is the part no one saw. the rush to change. the ache in my arches that never fully goes away. well, that wasn't until recently. i... i opened up to someone about how much i was struggling and that was the most difficult conversation i've had with another trainee since i've been here. it made me sick to even admit that i was struggling and wanted a little bit of support, but i don't regret it. it helped with my moral to know i have someone in my corner support me.

a few months ago, every time i said yes to a shift, it felt like failure. like i was admitting that i wasn’t good enough to just train. that i didn’t deserve to be here the way the others did. but today, it didn’t feel like choosing between the dream and survival.

today, it felt like holding both. awkwardly. desperately. barely.

but still.

there’s power in that.

in staying. in adapting. in deciding that even if the odds aren’t in your favor, you’re going to try anyway.

i used to think success meant arriving. like there would be a clear moment that said, “you made it.” something permanent. visible. undeniable.

but now i think maybe success is smaller than that. quieter. maybe it’s just endurance.

staying long enough to outlive the doubt. showing up enough times that someone finally sees you. believing enough to keep going, even when everything in you says you shouldn’t.

there are still cracks in me. still soft spots that sting when poked. i’m not healed. i’m not whole. i’m still scared most days.

but i’m not running anymore. and that has to count for something.

i think i’ll be okay. not tomorrow. not next week. maybe not even next month.

but eventually.

i think i'll be happy even if i don't make it into the lineup, since i think this experience has taught me more about myself.

but that doesn't mean i stop trying.

i just need to keep going long enough to possibly meet the version of me who made it. the one who stood on stage with tired feet but a steady voice. the one who didn’t try to be anyone else and accepted herself for who she truly was.

and today, just for a moment, i think i saw a glimpse of her.

and i think she saw me, too.

[orchidstains]

chanmi wasn’t really looking for anything in particular, just someone to bother until she got tired before going home. it was a habit she’d developed over time, a way to kill the extra energy she had after long hours of practice, schedules, and the other activities that came with being an idol. most nights, she found herself wandering the sixth floor. more often than not, she was in the nymth practice room catching up with the other members or getting some extra practice in by herself. other nights, she drifted through the company halls, popping into whatever room still had its lights on, just to see who was still around. she had a working theory that everyone under midas and its sublabels doesn't sleep, but at this hour, most people at least pretended to by going home.

tonight, though, she’d been striking out. most of the usual suspects had already gone home, and she was this close to accepting defeat when she spotted a faint glow coming from one of the practice rooms. she paused mid-step, then grinned. bingo.

chanmi doesn't even hesitate before stepping inside, a bright grin already tugging at her own lips in response to iseul's smile. "good morning to you too!" she chirps, like it's not well past a reasonable hour. her bag slides off her shoulder with a dull thud as she steps further into the room, taking in the state of iseul. her lips press together for a second because he looks like he’s been here a while by how sweaty he is. but instead of commenting on it, she just hums to herself, like she’s evaluating the situation first. "you know, i was just out there minding my business, thinking hmm, who should i bother next? and then just my luck, i see the light on in here and think, ah, my next victim has been chosen." she sighs, shaking her head with mock solemnity. "unfortunately for you, it seems like fate decided it was your turn to endure my reign of terror tonight."

without waiting for a reply, she plops herself down next to her bag, stretching her legs out in front of her with a little content sigh like she belongs there. "ugh, my legs feel like jelly. and i wasn't even the one in here practicing." she tilts her head back to look at the ceiliing for a second before turning to look at him again. "be honest. do you actually live here? is there a secret cot in the storage closet? a stash of instant ramen hidden somewhere?" she narrows her eyes, like she’s really thinking about it. "if you tell me, i promise i won’t tell anyone. i just wanna know if i should start reminiscing on the old days i used to live in the company building myself."

she leans back on her palms, letting her gaze drift lazily around the room. "seriously, though, what are you working on and how long have you been at it?" she's more curious than anything. she’s just a little nosy, but she leaves the opportunity for iseul to not answer if he doesn't want to. "anyway, lucky for you, i don’t have anywhere else to be for a while. so congratulations, you’ve got company now." she tilts her head just enough to glance at him again, expression still easy, playful. "or condolences if you were about to leave since you know... i'm keeping you here longer."

fever. (jan '25.) open starter.

iseul twists the top of his water bottle off and lets out a deep breath. he takes a giant gulp of water and slumps against the wall of mirrors against him. he takes a few more swigs of his water and slowly begins to sink down to the floor. he was covered in sweat and breathing heavily, body exhausted with the amount of hours he’s spent holed up in the practice room already.

if there’s one thing that’s well known about iseul it’s that he’s a perfectionist, a creature of habit, and probably too competitive for his own good. even in the times remedy wasn’t actively promoting a comeback, it wasn’t rare to see him wandering the halls of the 6th floor. he’d practically had been haunting the practice rooms since his early debut days. and while iseul swears he could perform most of remedy’s discography in his sleep, he spends a good amount of holed off in the familiar rooms.

tonight wasn’t any different, iseul had woken up this morning stressed and a bit anxious. he couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. he had gone through all of the motions to try and ease his anxiety but no matter how many breathing exercises, bike rides through his favorite park, or games he played on his phone, he just couldn’t shake it. it just seemed to weigh heavier on his shoulders, bringing his mood down all day.

in times like these, iseul retreated to the practice rooms. growing up, dance was the only thing iseul found that seemed to help him; that was how he fell in love with dancing in the first place. like a sailor lost at sea, music and dancing had always been his guiding star home. tonight had been a struggle though. he hadn’t been able to shed his worries as easily as he normally would have and even now, two hours later, he was still tense, shoulders feeling stiff.

he lets out another deep breath as the music stops, silence falling over the studio as iseul realizes he forgot to his repeat on his playlist. it was late when he arrived, first few floors practically a ghost town, and now as the hours continued to tick by iseul wonders if he was only one of the poor unfortunate souls left in the building. he lets out a deep sigh and rubs his hand over his face as he takes one last gulp of his water before capping the top. tossing it back towards his duffel bag, he pushes himself back on his feet and begins to make his way over towards the pc in the corner. before he can hit play, he hears the practice room door open. looking over his shoulder, he spots a familiar face, a smile softening his face instantly. “hey! what are you doing here?”

[orchidstains]

chanmi's grin widened at lena’s reaction, catching the flustered overcompensation instantly. she wasn’t one to tease—well, she was but not with someone she wasn't close with. but there was something about the rapid-fire greetings and the way lena’s phone practically got smothered in the process. embarrassing? yes, without a doubt. but chanmi was strangely endeared by it, and it only made her more interested in the other.

"wow, two hellos? i must be special," she joked, tone playful but light, letting lena off the hook without making it a thing. before continuing, she realized something. "oh, and i just realized i kind of barged in without even introducing myself properly." she laughed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "i’m chanmi. or nymth's cerise if you want to keep the vibe kind of awkwardly formal instead." her voice was warm, casual, as if they were already on their way to friendship. to chanmi they might as well have been, but who knows? that feeling might be one-sided.

at the mention of nymth, she let out a small laugh, her head tilting slightly. "hey, i’ll take the compliment, even if it was kind of a joke." when lena returned the question, chanmi didn’t even have to think. her hands clapped together in excitement, eyes lighting up as she leaned in just slightly. “oh, the rum pum pum pum unit, easy,” she said, practically buzzing. “i grew up obsessed with kaleido, so i always like seeing covers of their songs." then, something clicked, and she gasped, pointing lightly at lena. "oh! wait, you're in that unit, right?" her expression softened almost immediately, waving her hands as if to dispel any pressure. "i hope that didn't make you feel pressured! i swear, i’m not judging at all, just really excited to see everyone’s hard work pay off." her smile was warm, reassuring. "honestly, if anything, i'm probably going to be the loudest one cheering."

❝  hm?  ❞  her  head  shoots  up  as  her  phone  goes  to  her  chest,  screen  and  the  baritone  purr  of  ❛  are  you  up  for  a  joyride  later?  ❜  smothered  against  her  blouse.  lena  never  wears  earbuds  in  the  green  room;  she  knows  herself  too  well  to  understand  she's  prone  to  losing  track  of  time,  frustrated  by  cat-themed  card  games  and  her  for  you  page  to  the  point  that,  without  harried  production  assistants  and  stage  managers,  she'd  probably  miss  her  cue.  she'd  thought,  with  the  volume  low  enough  and  a  seat  far  enough  from  the  center  of  the  room,  that  she  and  her  frantic  phone-tapping  would  escape  unscathed.  alas.  and  it's  not  like  she  can  get  mad  at  the  other  for  making  small  talk.  ❝  oh,  yes,  hi,  that's  me!  hello!  ❞

overcompensating  yet  again.  how  many  greetings  can  she  squeeze  through  her  teeth  before  it  starts  to  get  weird?  as  if  the  man  on  her  home  screen  audibly  referring  to  her  as  ❛  kitten  ❜  before  furiously  putting  the  phone  to  sleep  hasn't  pushed  this  encounter  all  the  way  past  that  line.  the  cherry  on  top?  she  doesn't  have  any  pockets  with  which  to  bury  her  shame.  lena  supposes  that  there's  a  teensy  silver  lining  —  there's  nowhere  to  go  but  up  from  here!

❝  ah,  nymth,  of  course!  ❞  an  easy  laugh,  accompanied  by  a  slight  lean  of  her  own.  there's  nothing  to  the  inter-label  rivalries  to  lena;  as  far  as  she's  concerned,  they're  all  on  one  great  big  musical  noah's  ark.  yet  even  so,  it  occurs  to  her  that  she's  never  strayed  much  beyond  midas's  reach.  she  keeps  up  with  industry-wide  memes,  picks  things  up  here  and  there  online,  but  that's  hardly  much  of  an  honest  reflection  of  the  people  around  her.  she  suddenly  wishes  now  that  she'd  been  the  one  to  make  the  first  move,  that  she  was  much  less  insular.  ❝  i'm  kidding  —  i  mean,  not  really,  virtual  angel  is  great!  but,  um,  love  me  right  was  my  favorite  of  moonshot's  title  tracks,  so  i  guess  i'm  especially  looking  forward  to  that  unit.  what  about  you?  ❞

[orchidstains]

the sweetest tooth open starter!

the company café on the fourth floor is relatively quiet this time of day. the whir of espresso machines blending with the faint chatter of employees grabbing their first caffeine fix of the day. the air smells like freshly brewed coffee, vanilla syrup, and something warm and buttery from the pastry display. for some, it’s the end of a long night, but for chanmi, it’s the start of a new day.

chanmi stands near the pastry case, fingers curled around her already-made drink, but her attention is elsewhere. the options spread out in front of her are almost overwhelming, and honestly, each one looks a little too good. if she didn’t already have her drink in hand, she’d probably have both palms pressed against the glass like a child at a candy store. she sways slightly on her feet, biting the inside of her cheek as if the perfect choice will reveal itself if she waits long enough.

she suddenly turns to the person beside her, eyes bright with expectation. since she couldn't decide, she'd just make some innocent bystander to help her. "okay, sweet or savory?" she asks with an expression that's entirely too serious considering the nature of the question. "because i already have my coffee, but i can't decide if i want a croissant or something with way too much sugar in it." she lifts her cup slightly as if to prove a point, the faint scent wafting from the lid. "i should probably be responsible, but..." she trails off, her gaze drifting back toward the display, already unconvinced by her own argument. "please help me out here. what would you pick?" for someone with as big as a sweet tooth as chanmi, this decision is the most important thing in the world.

[orchidstains]

ice, broken with @lieshe

the soft hum of chatter filled the waiting room, a familiar rhythm chanmi had long grown accustomed to. something about the constant buzz of activity felt oddly comforting—like a second home. she adjusted the sleeve of her jacket before stretching her arms over her head, letting out a soft sigh. it had been a long day, but she never minded these in-between moments, the ones where she could just exist without the rush of cameras or the pressure of perfection.

her gaze landed on a familiar face nearby. lena. a soloist under midas, someone chanmi recognized from countless passing nods and polite smiles, yet had never really spoken to.

well, there was no time like the present to change that.

she leaned slightly in lena’s direction, flashing a small, easy smile. “hey, lena, right?” her voice was warm, casual, as if they were already friends. “i feel like we’ve been in the same space a hundred times but somehow never actually talked.” chanmi shifted slightly, clasping her hands together as curiosity sparked in her eyes. “is there anyone you’re excited to see perform today? or are you here getting ready for your own stage?” her tone was open, leaving space for a quick conversation if lena wanted to take it.

[orchidstains]

sihyeon · pirate ending fairy · 230321

[orchidstains]

it’s aquarius season baby so ykw that means ( it means that i, an aquarius, am always changing my mind )

in honor of my upcoming birthday, i finally went ahead with a fc change. chanmi's now everglow's sihyeon! she's still the same, i just felt like sihyeon suited what i have planned for chanmi a bit better.

i'll be online for a bit updating things and responding to messages shortly after.

p.s. don't be surprised if you see the first picture again in the future.

[orchidstains]

an impromptu invasion with @lovesholics

peace and quiet.

that's probably what hyein had in the moments before chanmi decided to invade into her space. chanmi stepped into hyein’s vocal room without hesitation the second she reached the door. she had been holding onto a thought all day, and now that she was here, it tumbled out before she could stop herself.

"unnie! i just saw the cutest puppy on my way here!" she blurted, the moment she stepped inside. "it was so tiny, kind of like you! i almost kidnapped it, but i figured that would be a bad idea." there were a few reasons why that'd be a bad idea, with the first being she doesn't have time to look after a dog with how busy her schedule is between nymth and any solo work she picks up. so, she'll just stick with gushing over the dogs she encounters throughout her days. "but that's not why i'm here. i need a wise second opinion." given this impromptu meeting and knowing just how she is, chanmi suspects hyein would know this wasn't going to be about anything serious.

and it wasn't. "i had the weirdest dream last night. i was on stage, right? but instead of singing, i was trying to teach a bunch of penguins how to dance. like, full choreography. i think it was to eclipse... but then, in the middle of the performance, they all turned into little kevin yoons talking to me about the art of creating music... now that i think of it... that might've been a nightmare, actually." she buried her face in her hands for a moment before peeking at the other. "do you think my brain is trying to tell me something? like... am i working too much? or do i just need to stop watching nature documentaries before bed?"

she scrunched her nose, laughing softly before glancing at hyein. "there, i gave you two tidbits about my day, now it's your turn to give me one. anything exciting happen? or did you spend all of your free time in here again?" her tone was teasing but warm, her eyes crinkling as she smiled.

[orchidstains]

b-cut + 17 / do you like your music? your concept? if given the chance, would you change it?

chanmi pauses for a moment as she reflects. "yeah, i do. i think i’ve grown to really appreciate our sound and our image. at first, i wasn’t sure about all the complex lore we had, but as time went on, i've grown to appreciate the amount of work put into the group to make us unique." she smiles softly. "i also recently realized how much it helped shape who i am as an artist and as an individual. each era... each track... it’s like discovering a new side of myself and finding out what truly speaks to me. and after that era is over, it becomes like a snapshot of where i was and who i was." her gaze drifts, lost in thought for a moment. "but to answer the last question, i wouldn’t change a thing about our music or concept. it’s what makes us, us. it’s definitely something i wouldn’t trade for anything."

[orchidstains]

on-camera + 7 (what's been your favorite era? what did you like about it?)

"it wasn't promoted, but i think it would have to be the our latest one, the dall era," she says, her voice full of with conviction. "it felt like a true reinvention of who we were as artists. but if i had to pick one thing that made it my favorite, definitely my favorite track birth. there was something so meaningful about birth. kind of empowering too when you consider our history too. it felt like we were stepping into a whole new era of who we are, not just as a group but as individuals, and i think that is what made it so special to me. but i also loved the styling and the all of the other song on the album. i think it might be very hard to top it."

[orchidstains]

on-camera / 3. what would you consider your career high?

"i think it would have to be the first world tour. just... traveling across the globe for the first time and seeing how our music connected with people all over. it’s something i never imagined when i first became a trainee" she pauses, her smile softening. "there’s something about being in a different city, looking out at the crowd, and realizing that we're all in this moment together. i mean, it’s one thing to see fans online, but to actually be face-to-face with them, feeling their energy, feeling like you’re not just performing for them but with them... it’s indescribable." her eyes brighten as she continues, "honestly, nothing compares to that feeling of performing and knowing you're surrounded by people who support you." she laughs quietly, the sound warm. "so yeah, our first world tour. or any world tour we had. that’s my high, for sure."