orangescrayon

[orangescrayon]

I have a new bald spot.. Yes, it’s new and red. Do I feel sad? I do, all the time i think. My life, can I just dissapear? Without hurting my self? ---- Stupid idea in my mind. I just want to let this thought out of my head. Everyday I feel anxious, feel overwhelmed, try to feel happy, try to not think to much, but it’s hard. I’m scared of talking to clients, I’m scared of doing something wrong, I’m scared that I’m a boring person to my work partners, I’m scared of getting better in my job. funny right? I realized for all the time, when I’ve done something good, when I finally did something that I couldn’t do before, My self, I.. feel I can’t be proud of myself.. I feel I’m not supposed to be proud yet, or I’m not supposed to be happy. Then I pull out out my hair, trich comes again. 

Why did I do that to my self? Why can I love my self? Why do I always feel I’m not good enough? What else shouId I do to make my self better? Why do I always compare myself with others? All of these questions haunt me everyday.

:(

[orangescrayon]

Mereka bilang aku harus berlari

Kalau tidak nanti kesempatan tak ada lagi

Tapi aku disini sendiri

Rasanya tak punya kaki

Mereka bilang aku harus berlari

Mereka bilang harus cepat berlari

Tapi aku disini sendiri

Masih sendiri meratapi

Aku meratapi setiap hari

Berusaha tetap bangun di pagi hari

Tetapi jiwa ini tetap tidur setiap hari

Ingin tetap terlelap untuk menyendiri

Apakah salah untuk tetap terlelap?

Saat jiwa tak punya tempat untuk menetap

Saat aku tak punya tempat yang aman

Rasanya hilang dan kosong tanpa teman

Mereka kira aku tidak ingin berlari

Salah mereka bukan mereka yang bermain

Disini aku diam tetap meratapi

Detik demi detik kaki ini berjalan sebisa mungkin.

[orangescrayon]

“Please be patient with me. Sometimes when I’m quiet it’s because I need to figure myself out. It’s not because I don’t want to talk. Sometimes there are no words for my thoughts.”

— Kamla Bolanos

[orangescrayon]

Day by day, I just feel I'm becoming numb and emptier

[orangescrayon]

My hair is longer now.. I really like it, I love it. But, my trich wouldn't leave me. It comes day by day and I just sit and pull. I can't do anything about it. All I know that I've changed my favourite part of my hair to pull. My right and left sides are my favourite parts, but recently I pull the hair of my top head. Ironically, I've had the baldness on my side, and now it will come to the new part.. the crown/ top of my head, actually I don't know how to say it :(

I don't know how to feel about all of these trich things. I can't feel sad anymore, I don't know, I'm sad. But, not sad like before (past times). I'm angry, guilty, feel low of self-esteem. And everytime I'm thinking about it, I hate myself.. I've tried to not blame myself anymore about trich, but it always comes to my head. Why couldn't I stop? What the hell I'm doing? (when I see my hair on the floor/ the table/ the books, etc).

Oh and I feel lonely too, I don't know who I can talk to about my worries, about trichotillomania, about the urges to pull my hair, the baldness, and the shame that caused by trich. I'm lonely and feeling empty.

I just want to write my thoughts and feelings, I want to let it out because I need to keep sane.

Huft..

[orangescrayon]

I don't want to lie to myself anymore. If i'm not okay, i will tell myself that i'm not okay. Like right now, i'm not okay. I'm feeling hopeless, don't know how to stay.

Bald patches, acnes (breakout), can't sleep 🙃

[orangescrayon]

Five things I'm grateful for today..

1. My family

2. Chance to go outside

3. Rainy day

4. My boyfriend

5 . I still have hair

:)))

[orangescrayon]

Just feel really empty..

I have no motivation to do anything, I need my personal space, but i can't get that. Because, I'm home now, I live with my parents.

I feel sad, angry and bored all the time. I feel like I have no energy to do anything, even it's my favourite activity.

I feel sad, because I lost so many hair.

I am bald again now, not bald at all, but i have bald patches, and it's getting worse every day.

getting bigger and worse in different parts..

I don't know what to do

I don't know how to stay

I can't cry anymore, i think.. just feel hopeless

From now, i will write on my Tumblr recently, to keep me sane enough.. hope i could find my motivation again🌻

[orangescrayon]

"You are not the opinion of someone that doesn't know you" -Taylor Swift

If they don't like you, that's their issues, not yours 😊

[orangescrayon]

I always have choices.

I deserve to be happy, and i choose to be happy.

[orangescrayon]

She will look at me

That eyes say something

Not something but everything

She will say my name

The name that i knew for a long time

I knew her, but i think it over again

I knew her, but i don't believe it

She will look at me

The eyes show me the rain

She will close her eyes

will stay the same

[orangescrayon]

Just draw..

[orangescrayon]

Feelin' blue

[orangescrayon]

‘’It’ll be alright?’’

Traffic lights: I don’t know 

[orangescrayon]

I'm depressed, so many things to think about.

I'm so scared to go out of my comfort zone.

I just want to runaway from all of these.

But i can't, and i should let all the negative thoughts go away.

Please, wake up!

You can do it!

Believe in yourself.. you can do it!

[orangescrayon]

Bald again!

[orangescrayon]

Me and Myself

Trichotillomania made me as a stronger person. I have been battling with trich since i was in kindergarten. That time i didn't know why i couldn't stop playing with my hair (pull it, etc), then i found out about trichotillomania. Now i'm here, i'm still a girl with trich (21 years old). I'm still battling with this, i couldn't stop pulling my hair. I couldn't stop being sad and guilty. And i'm still here, wish i could completely accept it and love myself harder.

I just want to say..

I won't give up on me.

#trichotillomania