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[orange-lazarus]

A couple things I feel good about this week

Went a couple nights without beer

Make corn tortillas from scratch

11 day streak in Duolingo

Visited Matt

Brought kids to trout brook to catch things

Made pumpkin breakfast bars

Tried chicken sausage

[orange-lazarus]

This is what I wanted, to exist in my house with my family during the fucking daytime. Going to work in a bit.

[orange-lazarus]

Oh ok I guess I’ll update. Been out of MHS for this whole school year (currently the end of Feb 2024). I don’t think I’ll go back because I want to continue to keep the kids home. I got a weird job working at Lilac Hedge Farm, packhouse doing produce on MT and every Saturday I work at the store. It’s fine but the money I make is not for adults with adult bills. So now I’ll be in complete limbo again soon. I want to work in a school for decent professional money but only part time and that is not a thing. Not for my licensure anyway. I’ve thought about dental assisting which is fucking insane because I historically hate teeth and especially other peoples’ teeth. I got turned down for a shitty 18/hr Sunday job at WAM which I’m ok with because that would have been every Sunday and the lady sounded like a pretentious bitch that I wouldn’t want to work for anyway. I’m not an art person I guess. I’m just me and I’ve happened to spend my entire adult life teaching art stuff to teenagers.

Jace is getting four teeth pulled Friday under general anesthesia and I’m slightly terrified. Eli is good. He’s actually put on a little weight being home and eating plenty and not being sick nearly as much as when he’s in a school building. Also has developed a snappy tude sometimes and also Jace referred to himself and Eli yesterday as “preteens” so hold up while I go die a little.

I had a dream last night that Justin’s surprise party was a total flop and he wasn’t even there. But for some reason Chris peacock and Nate were there and we all had to get on a plane to go home. We were simultaneously in Salem so Nate was taking Jace around to show him some demon statues. Regular stuff.

[orange-lazarus]

Still here. I’m almost done with work. I have one more day of training today and then I hand my keys in for _a_year_.

We told the kids and they’re really excited. Adam’s family is giving us endless shit. They love to remind us constantly that they feel we are inept.

Art classes here aren’t doing much but I’m gonna keep trying. I might never go back to work if I can make it by doing other stuff.

[orange-lazarus]

I’m leaving my job for a year and I’m so fucking excited but slightly terrified too. This is a far cry from my typical reasonable planning safety brain.

[orange-lazarus]

Me - “…it’s fine though. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll deal.”

It is not fine, ladies and gentlemen.

[orange-lazarus]

At my heaviest currently.

Letting some things go and they come back weirdly.

Skipped a show this weekend because it’s fucking January out.

Been out by a fire lately enjoying my gross but pretty drink.

Got off ig for a couple weeks.

Been more ok than expected but still dealing with the same shit as always.

[orange-lazarus]

I have power to do what I want to do.

I want this and have always wanted it.

I will maintain my power over it.

I will find my way.

so mote it be

[orange-lazarus]

Been a WEEK up in here.

[orange-lazarus]

lol Imagine if I wasn’t the heaviest I’ve been in YEARS

[orange-lazarus]

I’m here because of my kids and if I didn’t have them I wouldn’t stay. I am nothing and we are all nothing but I’m nothing to anyone. It’s always been this way and it will always be this way and it hurts so much. I can’t even talk to anyone.

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Another plan. *side eye

[orange-lazarus]

On a separate note, I’ve successfully succumbed to replacing one entity with an entirely different but probably just as bad for me entity. Let me rephrase; the entity isn’t bad. It’s me.

[orange-lazarus]

Loool remember that time I was like “hey fuck the sertraline, none more for me bitch” but then I was basically in a waking nightmare so I slithered over to the kitchen counter, cut one in half and swallowed it dry, so desperate for the weird brain movements to stop. So I’m back on the mother.

[orange-lazarus]

This deserves a separate post because I’m proud of myself. A couple weeks ago I told off the ten years toxic entity and haven’t looked back. This time I’m real and I’m real done and I see through all of it. There’s just nothing on the other side. I have gone away on my own and that small part of me is in a little place with solitude and some pretty trees, nostalgia and sunshine and I’m good.

[orange-lazarus]

I’m sensing a theme;

I’m mentally drained. I’m afraid to wish for a break. There’s no way I’m on a good dose of sertraline because I feel almost back to how I felt two years ago, however time has passed so the grief feels different.

I want off the med. I don’t even know why but I’m just simply not going to take more. It’s either 25 or nothing at all. But I’m so tired and I have no motivation to do anything ever. There’s never a quiet day. There’s always a thousand things to do just to get by. Never anything for me, no hobby, nothing. I’m just here for others. I don’t exist outside of my tasks.

[orange-lazarus]

Just popping in to say um what. the. fuck.