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I still do.

I need someone to talk to.

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I need someone to talk to.

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Every time I thought it’s the ending, it was actually a door for a new beginning.

We haven’t met each other for how many weeks but we’ve met again and prepared for another special celebration. It was a whole day. A whole day of being with him after quite some time. There were two rides available but he called me out to the ride with him. Though he was seating at the front seat, all throughout the day we were literally together. Even though we went are on our way to the mall and do some errands we were together. He said, “I didn’t expect that we will be together for the whole day like that. From the van to the mall and even to the last minute, I am with you.” My heart stings my mind. The feeling of being mutual was really there, through his words and actions. I got confused, but I didn’t mind. Being with him is a blessing already.

Days passed since the last time we saw each other, he suddenly messaged me words to decode. Me who had little to no knowledge about the possible content of his sudden words caught me off guard. It was his Melanchton’s travail in Augsburg. A travail that his mother of democracy can give. Nothing more, nothing less.

I had some instinct on what are the possible meaning of those words but I want proof. I kept on trying to decode it for how many days but he didn’t really gave me answers what was its content. He said that I somehow knew it for I know how to read between the lines. Eventually he said,

“If loving you was wrong, then I don’t want to make it right.” A sentence, only a sentence. And I faltered. I cried, I don’t really know why but I cried. He asked me questions and his doubts about the road that he was taking. At that moment I realized, that if only my love could save someone from pain I would definitely do it. Now I understand why Jesus died for us. I understand the Corinthians. I understand a lot of things in the bible and cried.

Lord, I was really brought closer to you. I was able to understand your words and love for me. I learned them in a hard way and situation, with people I didn’t know who’ll be kept in my heart. Father, why do we need to learn them in a hard way? As a teacher, I reflected on my own question. It was because, it is more efficient if your deepest feelings are present in the lesson. You will definitely understand them.

Few days passed, we stopped talking with each other for a week.

but like I said, Every time I thought it’s the ending, it was actually a door for a new beginning.

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Haven’t updated tumblr yet.

a lot of things happened during those days.

As his stay was about to end, we were so close already. I still want to be with him during his counted days. He said “it’ll not be easy to go out if I arrive in my new destination”.

Feast of St. Peter, he was the one playing the organ while our hearts focused in the mass. After the mass, I remembered that he’ll be left with 2-days, after that he will leave the Cathedral. For the first time, during the dinner after all the religious went home and some staff with few priests came and offered a karaoke. So we sang again and enjoyed the night, we were offered food and drinks as well by the head priests.

He was drunk. All throughout the night, he sat beside me, he will sometimes stand though but he will came back again. For me it was unusual. He repeatedly told me that I am his little sister. But this night, he acted differently. He was somewhat different already since I came back from my vacay. But the night was so confusing. He made me sang somewhere over the rainbow with him. A lot of eyes were staring but he didn’t care that much. Later that night, when it was about to end we were seating one seat apart from each other since I don’t want to create an issue with him. It may affect his priesthood journey. But he talked to me and said, “are you going home? I need to lie down already.” He somehow shows his hand to me like a give me five gesture, and so I put my hands there. He held it, and said “I’ll see you tomorrow then? with your friend. Let’s eat out together for the last time.”

Morning came, I didn’t chat him. But he reached out first in the afternoon. He said, “Can you come now? I have something to give”. The original meet up time was in the evening so I wasn’t able to prepare my gift for him. I said, “Wait for me, I might arrive around 4pm”.

He’s been whining, he waited for more than an hour. He said I need to go somewhere after giving you my gift. I wasn’t expecting anything grand or whatso. I only bought an Aquaflask for him since he said he needed one and it’s the nearest store I can buy at that moment. I took a cab and hurriedly went to the meeting place—the church. As I was walking and approached him he kept on stopping walking towards me as well, and so I sat down in the middle for him to sit down as well. But I saw a familiar bag he was holding. He bought the same brand for me, an Aquaflask. I asked him, “you know I already have one, why would you give me this again” he just answered he didn’t know. He gave me a green colored one with a brighter shade, while I gave him the darker shade of green.

I was so surprised that I couldn’t speak. It was a pure coincidence. Of all things he could’ve give, he gave the same thing as I did. As if we were just exchanging gifts. I was about to cry, having a lot of emotions with me. I kept on looking at the floor, with him saying his goodbyes. And so I walked away and said, see you next life.

I called my friends about what happened. While commuting he kept on sending me words like, “You deserve better”, “It is not I who could give you the love that you needed”, “thank you for the love”. I cried even though the jeepney was so full, thank God we have our masks on. As I saw my friend, We hugged each other tightly, and I cried on the streets in his arms explaining what happened.

Night came, I was enjoying the music and walked on my way home. He asked if me and my friend could still hang out. I answered him it’s up to the two of you, I am just walking on my way home so I don’t know. If you guys will decide to hang out I’ll just come. If no, then nah.

My friend couldn’t come but he said, Let’s go. Let’s go in there. And so we really went. The place was again solemn. We were the only customers. We talked on how fast things was, and how smooth it has been. After eating, we walked side by side on the streets in the middle of the night. He said, “We are actually not allowed to be with someone like this. If we go out, we should be in groups but not like this.” I asked him, “then why did you do it? if you’re nit allowed to do so?”. He answered, “because I wanted to”

He then shared that “I actually shared OUR story to one of my closest friend”. I asked “What do you mean by OUR? Our like our group? or our like us two?”

he answered “us two”.

We just talked that night and walked. The streets feels so secured. And the walk feels so short. Then we bid our goodbyes and goofily hugged him sideways.

I thought it was the end of everything, even the relationship of being friends will end there.

But I was wrong.

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I really want to be with him. Kanang feeling nga miskang unsa kadako sa problems in life kay feeling nimo ma solve or makaya ra nimo lampasan kay naa siya.

Pero again self, he’ll be better at his side and not yours.

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Red Night, Christmas feels. Time passed by, and the time to separate ways was coming earlier than I prepared myself to be.

In the toddler days of my feelings for him, I confessed it already. I told him that I hope the feelings I have for him will not be burden but an inspiration, that he’s a good person and people will like him as much as I do. He answered my confession with, “I can only see you as a younger sister, a fun person to be with”. I laughed at him and told him that I’m not asking him to like me back, there’s no need for that for I know that he’s on his way to priesthood na. From day 1, I accepted it already and liked him for that. I’m contented seeing and supporting him from afar.

I mostly visit the church to pray and we usually cross path. The same day I confessed in the afternoon I visited the church to pray but he invited me to sing with him for the mass, and so I did. After the mass, I told him I’ll be offering a candle.

Siya: “What color akoa sa imong candle? Pwede white?” Me: No, I have someone in mind for the white. Ngano white? Pili ka nalang ibang color. Pwede sad pink para love hahaha Siya: “What colors are there? Unsa meaning diay sa candles?”

Later on he decided to choose the red candle and said, “red ako, pray for me to pass this test”. I was confused, as he already finished all his studies but prayed for him anyway.

He also treated me to a lot of places, cooked for me and ate with me, and on the night before my Cebu flight comes, he suddenly asked me to have a dinner with him. Since I am on my way to the church already to pray he said to meet there. We were supposed to eat unli wings alone and should be done eating before 6pm, however he suggested to eat a dessert to a place and I just followed him, not knowing that it was actually a fancy restaurant. “Omo, you should’ve said na mag fancy restaurant ta, I dressed too simply” he laughed, “I didn’t expect it as well, tan awa pud gud akong suot”. We talked a lot of things there and ate his highly recommended apple pie, it was divine! The ambiance was so romantic and full of red. It’s as if he intentionally brought me there, but I don’t want to delude myself that he has feelings for me as he already clarified long ago what’s his stand. The night was so romantic and full of unsaid feelings. However he reminded me to take care during my vacation.

That same day I was able to say that “Lord, I really like this man. If this man is great already, who’s the man you stored for me? Is he greater than this person?”

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A Prayer—The Prayer

Nag pray ko, Lord give me someone po na kanang  ma inspire ko, someone close to you po and loves you with all of him. May that someone centers you in his life. 

Then, God gave it to me. Ambilis lang. But my prayers weren’t that specific kaya kung ano hiningi ko, God provided. 

At first I thought it was pure “cutie si kuya”, then it became “gash this is the type of person na gusto nako mahimong papa sa akong mga anak, I bet he’ll become a great father”. 

Days passed after the event we’ve been preparing and so I’ve been expecting na “uy I’ll be seeing him on the sideline and we will now have different views in a similar time literally”. 

But God was so sungugan. He teased me and gave situations na maka overthink. 

All of a sudden, he became in charge of our group. And this is where everything happened. 

He’s fond of me already since day 1. He kept on calling my name, at first I was like “why do this guy loves calling my name every time we meet?”. It’s not surprising that we got so close with each other and he is really close with me compared to the other members of the group. 

One night, as we were just playing around through chat and making fun of each other, I’ve sent a picture of a cheesecake I’ve been eating. He was joking that he want one and that he will come where I was—But he can’t kay as he said he should stay within the vicinity of his place daw. Me as a person na may feelings na sa kanya delivered cheesecake sa kanya and waited for him to finish his “hilot”. He was really surprised by it but it was common for me, to be spontaneous. After that, he insisted to bring me home though before we went home we ate ice creams and conversed. Then we bid our goodbyes. 

That day was the beginning of countless dinner out with him, although sometimes we are accompanied by a friend, we really enjoyed being with each other. Ang term niya pa “nakaka wala kayo ng pagod”. 

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I had another crush hihi. And it hits differently this time!

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Akala ko handa ako sa araw na ito.

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Mura kog ungo na naghilak sa ngitngit.

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Mao ni mahitabo pud pag long-planned ang lakaw.

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I was so fucking prepared sa health insurance. Pero na igo ko ni Lord financially. I was caught off guard gyud. The amount we need is something that I cannot provide!

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Mo tuo na ba ko na in each happy moments, naa jud nay padulong na challenging one

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Is it really possible for me to work peacefully in Canada?

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I really want to have a high paying job.

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I love him jud kaayo, na to this day I could stil say this. I know he still feels the same. Pero thinking of what happened and the possibility of it happening again makes me feel so pathetic.

Am I going to beg for his “I love you” once again?

Am I going to beg for his affection once again?

for his, assurance?

for his love?

Is it really my fault if I couldn’t feel the sincerity between his feelings?

Thoughts always cross, what ifs arises.

what if…

what if, there’s a second chance? May mag improve ba? Or basin maghilak nanaman ko every night assessing if this is the true love God wants me to have.