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Shame

As always, I can't show hurt, I can't be sad. I help others but noone has time for my feelings. Any expression of a negative feeling from me is to be attacked and shamed.

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Happiness

It just seems like I’m pretty much slated for an unhappy unfulfilling existence. I deeply want to care about those around me, like the starting of a paternal instinct born from my nature. At the same time my biology basically makes this one of the hardest tasks for me to complete. Gay men are few, sane ones are fewer, and ones that aren’t politicized by the left are fewer still. I’m going to be searching for my first relationship until my 30s if I’m lucky. I doubt I’ll find a true match before I’m 40. I’m just so full of sadness, love and anger, and it doesn’t have anywhere to go. All of my friends are only friends to a certain point, they don’t want to know or hear these things. I can’t afford to be a burden upon them, I spend all my energy lifting up others. There’s just nobody left to lift me up. Guess this is what it means to be a man.

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Facebook

I need to post less negative stuff on Facebook, it’s definitely repellent towards other gay men. I met a nice guy today named Scott, just off a compliment on his beard a the bus stop. We got along well and though he’s dating a guy he gave me his number and we ended up adding each other on Facebook. Of course, my feed has stuff about under-reported crimes and stuff against some religions. He was pretty gentle about it and didn’t block me, but he did remove me from his facebook. I’m glad he was straight-forward and honest about it.

The real issue isn’t him, as in the grand scheme of things he’s one guy I happened to meet once. The problem is that this is a confirmation of one of my fears, that I’ll put all this effort into finding the few decent guys who are actually gay, and then lose out on my chance with them over political belief. The doubtful side of me, the inner pessimist, would tell me of this and I would ignore it.

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DnD

So I lost my Dungeons and Dragons character tonight. He was Ulric Orsik, a dwarven paladin. I built him to be my groups tank, for a group that I originally had not wanted to be a part of. I joined in the formation of the group to make a friend happy. Last weak we fought some enemies that were tricky and I had to use up all of my innate healing and was left at half health (16/31).  I requested a long rest, but no they wanted to just take a short rest ( and I rolled poorly on my hit die, thus only being at half health). So we took a short rest, and I didn’t get to refill my Lay on Hands or HP. Our idiot rogue goes scouting forward until he stumbles upon enemies, also against what I said to do. We end up running into an encounter, where I couldn’t roll to do damage to our enemies once. I said we were going to die. I couldn’t make a con save at all, and was petrified through no fault of my own. Now I’m venting out of frustration, because I’ve lost something without doing anything wrong. I’m tossing together some piece of shit backup character, but naturally this whole ordeal is just depressing to the point of making me want to quit DnD. If I’m going to just lose stuff because other people want to be dumbasses, then what’s the point?

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Job

Back on the job search again. I got fired from the perfect job yesterday because there wasn’t enough work coming in for them to keep me. Basically, they hired me and another guy during a busy period, and then when things weren’t busy, picked him over me. I wish I’d asked why, so I at least could know why I was let go.

Life is like a bad dream right now, I just want nothing more than to wake up. Sleep is tough, and nothing looks promising.

I’m the type of person that always believes that there’s something I can do better, or find out and work for that can solve any problem. To be fired and not have a fault or know why the other guy was kept is beyond unsettling. Maybe because he had more experience with one of the tools than me. Maybe they just liked him more.

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Infinity

First it’s no infinite combos, and no Tooth & Nail Deadeye/Palinchron.

Then I die to Tooth & Nail Deadeye/Palichron.

So it changes to no 2 card infinite combos.

Then I die to a 2 card infinite mana combo from a Talrand deck.

Talk about hypocritical, why do I even try playing by their rules?

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Alone.

You’re born alone and you die alone.

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Kicked

Ah great, so they kick me from the server. I can only imagine how much bitching happened behind my back for this to happen.

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I can’t ever do things right

It seems like, well - I just can’t do anything right. School? I’m terrible. Lifting? I’m struggling with motivation. Social life? God, every time I try to open myself up to a group, I get stung. As cliche as it is, I honestly try so hard, and it just doesn’t matter. I’m simply looking for an outlet right now.

So I’m one of the newer people in a Magic group. I play Magic as the main outlet of my strong competitive instinct. It seems like there simply has to be something in my life where I feel competitive, but more than that, I need to believe that I’m good at something. Without that, I somewhat worry about depression at times.  Anyway, somewhere down the line, it seems that I’ve rubbed several people the wrong way. Again. Tell me, why is it so hard to make myself understood? Why is it so hard to get people to accept that I don’t intend ill upon them? What is the purpose of trying? How much more will it take to succeed? I swear, I feel like I’m running low on motivation, energy, just a general sense of direction. And to make it all worse, this is one of the worst times for me to be going through all of this.

So now I’m going to play Magic tomorrow. With the same people. A number of mistakes over time have left open problems with no real clear way to resolve them. The issues can basically be broken into several categories:

People annoyed because I asked a couple times too many for help.

People annoyed that I was outspoken about a few troublesome decks.

People angry because I spoke my mind about another player who they seem to dote on.

Some blend of annoyance/dislike that’s related to more than one of the above, or one of the causes of these categories.

So now, I’m once again left in a situation where I can barely trust more than 3 or so people at all. My other social circle is basically one borrowed through my roommates. I just don’t know how people do it. To my eyes, everyone seems to enter my vision with these ready made groups with deep connections. I just can’t ever truly become a part of someone’s group. And so, I’m back to being my same lonely self. Finally out of the closet, though that satisfaction is short lived. I’m pathetic in so many ways, it’s not even funny. I’m so nervous of even something like online dating apps. It’s going to take some time to clear this latest storm with some sun-rays of fake optimism. I just don’t feel like I’m ever making progress. Every time I think things are going well, it turns out I’ve been fucking up the whole time, and it was just taking time to get on people’s nerves.

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My lord is this stupid.

Thin privilege means going to any doctor you want and actually being treated for whatever ailment you came in with. Thin privilege means getting a wellness check-up where your doctor does not immediately start questioning a borderline high blood pressure, and is willing to excuse it as “white...

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Oh yes, totally overlook the fathers that play both roles. After all, women file for most of the divorces, then get custody a vast majority of the time for no reason beyond their gender. Really, a day for celebrating the good men, you feminists have to use to score low blows at us all, to shame the bad ones. Pathetic