onlyinyour-bookishdreams

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

I sometimes have to remind myself that I’m a real person with emotions and beliefs I feel strongly about, with hobbies and that there are beautiful things I enjoy and that I’m not just a blob on this planet whenever I get into too much of a routine.

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

Anxiety Medication? Why do I still feel like crap

I’ve been on it for only a few weeks. I understand that it can take longer but I feel no difference.

The first few days I either felt sick after taking it or I took it too late and started having a panic attack for literally no reason.

I can’t tell if my Anxiety is getting worse. If I’m just tired of trying to suppress it and it’s breaking out. If I’m overloaded with suppressed Anxiety about leaving the country by myself for 4 months that it’s cracking. I don’t know.

What’s it like for other people? No ones gonna see this post but if you do, are you on it? What’s your experience?

I just had a memory of my doctor saying that it will get worse before it gets better. Gave myself a little bit of hope.

Still stressed.

I just need a week long hug. So touch deprived as well.

Love that for me

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

Don’t bother reading. Just me using typing as therapy.

Okay, so I started the Anxiety Medication and its only been a few weeks. I leave this Sunday. 4 days.

I’m excited and very nervous. But I’m stressed out.

Me, my mum and my siblings are away camping currently. We actually leave tomorrow morning to head home and I’ve gotta start packing for the UK.

And yesterday I had organised with a friend that she would come camping for a night. She was actually going to come on Tuesday but her BRAND NEW boyfriend asked her to go to Sydney and she said yes. She didn’t get back until later and was too tired to make the 2-3 hour trip here. My mum even offered to pick her up from the station earlier in the day.

Anyway, she said that she would come on Wednesday (today while I’m typing this) and it was all set. Then another friend said that she needed a place to stay.

So I offered for both of them to come camping. (I have my own tent and a large mattress we can all squish on) and they said yes. Sounded super extatic and confident that they would come. I was so excited!

That was all organised Tuesday night. When I woke up today (Wednesday) I messaged them because by now they would both be on their trains and I got a reply from only one friend who said that they had decided not to come. I was so bummed and annoyed that they hadn’t messaged me and had cancelled! The friend who needed a place to stay always cancels last minute so I wasn’t surprised about that but my other friend who is my best friend and I’m closest with, isn’t going to see me for over 4 months and then I’m jumping into a Diploma decided that sleeping in and her brand new boyfriend were more important.

I was disappointed. But I was gonna get over it.

Then I went to go and have a shower and for some reason walking from the tent to the bathrooms was seeming really hard. My Anxiety just peaked all of a sudden and the whole walk I was talking myself down from a panic attack.

Once I was in the shower and already getting wet I realised I forgot a towel and shampoo and Conditioner. Started freaking out again and texted my mum. She said that I was being dramatic and to just get dressed and go back.

I couldn’t do it so I just showered and put clothes on while wet and just as I was about to leave my mum texted me saying that she was bringing stuff. I didn’t reply because if I told her I was done she wouldn’t come and I really needed a hug and someone to walk back with me.

That kinda set off the rest of the day. I think mum felt bad so we went to get free waffles and she got one extra for me. We went and sat by the pool while my siblings swam and I ended up jumping in. Later we went back to the tent to just chill out. About lunch time we went to get ice creams and my mum asked if I had read an article that she sent me about how Anxiety is usually an imbalance of your levels (iron levels kind of thing, I forget what it’s called) and that that’s probably it. But I said that that isn’t it. It’s past trauma. It’s a Mental thing. I’m not denying that how your body is can affect your mental health but I know the feeling.

Anyway, she came up with counterpoints and I just felt sad that she wasn’t believing me. So I probably looked sad and she suddenly said “why do you always have that face on when I talk to you about these things?”.

Because you don’t listen!!!!!!

I started to feel like I was gonna cry so I said that I would go and sit in my tent and she got annoyed and called me dramatic.

I sat in my tent and got a text from my mum asking if I was okay.

I just replied saying that I felt like she wasn’t listening and that I need her support, not her to dismiss when I try and tell her how I feel or what I know about my body.

She just went on some speel about me being a teen and not understanding yet.

Later that evening I asked my brother (who is a real pain since he started puberty and kind of an ass) if he would walk with me and start conversations with other teens so that I could hang out with someone. And then he could leave.

He winged but my mum said that he had to go with me. We walked off and he just talked to his friend.

A group of teens were walking past and I said to come with me and him to start taking. He said no and that I could do it but I said no, you start the conversation and then I’ll talk.

We started walking towards them and he said, I’ll say hi, you talk and then I’ll leave. I said “could you stay for a bit?”

He got all huffy and stormed over to my mum who was walking back from the bathroom and started winging at her.

His friend followed and stood right next to him while my mum got annoyed.

Basically my brother got annoyed and I didn’t feel like hanging out anymore so I said that I just wanted to go back to my tent and mum got super annoyed and told him that he had to stay at the tent until tomorrow. He got angry.

As we walked back I said sorry to my mum.

We got back to the tent and she started questioning me about what I did and why didn’t I talk first.

I got upset and started walking towards my tent and mum yelled out that I was being dramatic. My brother got to go back out and play with his friend. I went to cry in my tent and when I calmed down I texted mum with why that upset me.

When we were little, my brother could never talk to anyone and I would go and talk to people for him. I made him all his friends. His friends he’s close with now I always introduced them because he was always to scared to.

This is the one time I asked him to do something like this for me. It was easy. And he was just an ass like he always is.

My mum said that if I can’t help myself then I can’t expect someone else to. And that my brother is only 14, I expect too much from him. I only expect him to not bully our other siblings, not be disrespectful to every one of my friends, to not be rude to our autistic cousin and to stop yelling at the tv!!

I also said that she is no support and instead is a skeptic of my anxiety and mental health. She never listens.

I also said that it’s really hard to try and help yourself when you own brain and body is working against you. She replied with “don’t blame other people”. I think that she meant “don’t get angry at other people when they don’t help you when you can’t even help yourself”.

Now I’m here typing this. I’ve finished crying and feel way better after writing all of that down. Sorry if there are mistakes.

I feel like such a whinger but the only therapist I kind of like is so busy I only see her a few times a year and I feel like I have no one to talk to that I don’t have to see in my daily life that I can spill my guts to.

Sorry.

I guess this is my therapy page now. Great.

No ones gonna ready this

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

Programmers are the greatest browsing community (SO mostly)…We can singlehandedly save the planet.

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

146 years ago today Susan B. Anthony was arrested for attempting to vote. She died before she was able to cast her ballot legally.

Don’t disrespect her memory on November 8th.

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

I feel like my Anxiety isn’t bad enough

1 of my cousins has been on Anxiety meds for a few years and another one recently started on them so my mum started asking questions about my anxiety and if I think that I need medication.

For some background, I have Aspergers and had a really traumatic experience at school when I was younger which sparked me to have really bad anxiety. It has gotten better over the years and for the past 5 years I have been seeing Therapists and Physycologists so I’m pretty good at coping with it.

Late last year my dad got hurt at work and we thought that he would never work again and all this other stuff that basically concluded that he wouldn’t get better so, naturally, my Anxiety peaked again.

I’ve been coping with it for so long that I sometimes forget that it isn’t right to feel so off.

Anyway, my mum asked if I wanted to see a doctor and I didn’t know what to say because on the one hand I hate living with anxiety because it stops me from doing stuff but then I don’t think it’s bad enough for medication.

I ended up saying yes and the doctor has prescribed me some medication to try but it’s freaking me out. I haven’t taken any yet, will probably start tomorrow.

I feel like I have been coping with it for so long and quite well that I sometimes think it isn’t valid anymore?

I’ve also got friends who’s Anxiety is so bad that they don’t leave the house for weeks and I reckon that they should be on medication but their parents are funny about it.

Long story short, I’m getting Anxiety about taking Anxiety Medication and feel like I’m lying about how bad it is because I can cope with it really well.

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

I’m on a train with my friend and I have my head phones in so my mind is just kinda wandering and I had a thought of how I don’t have a gay friend or really know anyone my age who’s part of the lgbtq+ community but then I realised... I AM the gay friend

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

unlike Snape . . .

[onlyinyour-bookishdreams]

Anxiety is muttering “please stop” as your brain tries to roast you for something you did as a seven year old