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Anyone else get that sinking feeling? Where you realize nothing is going well enough for you? You don’t have very many friends, no one is interested in you, you’re bored and burnt out, everything you try to do comes out not as good as you’d hoped? Because same.

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summers in 6 months

6 months

26 weeks

if you can lose 1lbs a week for the next 6 months

you’ll lose 26lbs

30lbs if you work harder

but that’s 26-30lbs you could drop

and you can be hot and slim for summer

6 months

to get back on your bullshit

think of how good it’ll feel to go walk on a beach without being self conscious

knowing no ones looking at you because your big

but because you look stunning

you can do this

i believe you

the question is

do you believe in yourself?

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sleeping>eating

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It’s gross, but some sick part of me enjoys the fact that my mental health is so messed up. Some sick part of me that’s like yes, I hope this gets worse, it’s not that bad, I hope this gets worse, I deserve to get worse.

I deserve to get worse.

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Just a little reminder in case y’all forgot that it all starts somewhere

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me: [lying] honestly

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no, you won't lose 10 lbs over night

no, you won't notice changes right away

no, you won't go down two sizes in a day

No you won't become thin in just a few days

but you will eventually

one day you'll notice your pants won't stay up anymore

one day you'll shower and look down your body and your tummy will have shrunken

one day you'll see how promintent your collarbone has become

one day you'll put on a bra and notice your ribs are slightly showing on your chest

one day people will comment how slim you've become when they see you or hug you

i promise you it will happen

just don't lose hope, don't lose motivation, don't lose your dream

You. Can. Fucking. Do. This.

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Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

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if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘food’ labeling some good, some bad as i assign moral value to this grain of rice i might say ‘numbers’ counting, measuring, tracking calories, sizes, BMIs allthetimecalculating everysinglething if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘beauty’ complete devotion, idolization of the western standard begging for others’ envy i might say ‘attention’ desperately needing someone anyone, to notice me at all to see that i am unwell, to care if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘control’ the sick, sick result of discipline gone sour a curdling obsession i might say ‘guilt’ over being too big too plain too comfortable too needy too me if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘anger’ hating the injustice of living hating everything, everyone including myself i might say ‘pain’ a way to transpose the scars of my soul onto the body aching for congruence if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘minimalism’ my mind whirls like a run-on sentence and i can’t stand being wasteful so no thank you i don’t need anything at all really i might say ‘self-righteousness’ i’m parading the streets, declaring my holier-than-thouness because hey look! i’m better at dying than you if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘expectations’ i’ve been naturally small my entire life and now, but now i lose myself when i grow i might say ‘childhood’ reverting to my prepubescent body no breasts and when sex was just a word muddled with giggles if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘addiction’ a habit that can’t be kicked craving the buzz, the high of manipulating my insides i might say ‘death’ i’m not that happy anyway so why not drive my body to the edge, tempting it to quit? if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say nothing because i do not know it’s not like it matters because you don’t ask because you don’t know either

—i don’t know, you don’t know, no one knows // 01.22.18

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ED logic can be hilarious when you write it down

- I feel dizzy and cold and lost a lot of weight –> “I need to keep fasting and restricting and purging”

- I gained a lot of weight –> “I need to binge eat 24/7 to cope”

- I cannot fit into this pair of jeans that is six sizes too small –> “I am fucking disgusting and a waste of space and a failure”

- “I need to wait until I am almost emanciated in order to have hobbies and interests and other goals in life”

- I ate three well-balanced meals today –> “I am going to panic and cry and hurt myself”

- “I should not see my friends because they will see how I’ve always looked and feel absolutely disgusted”

- My friends are annoyed by my ED behaviors –> “my friends hate me because I am fat and disgusting”

- I did great on this work/school project –> “it’s because I focus on these things that I am still fat and disgusting”

- I did not do that well on this work/school project –> “this is all because I am fat and disgusting”

- Someone geniunely likes and is attracted to me and treats me well –> “this person must be fucked up in the head and a deviant”

- Someone treats me like shit and calls me fat and ugly in order to use me –> “I am so thankful for this person and that they are willing to look at me at all”

- Someone wants me to recover –> “they must want me to stay fat so that they can look thinner and keep mocking me in their head”

- Someone doesn’t tell me to recover –> “I must be not worthy of concern because I am still fat time to purge and restrict”

- Someone wants to be more than friends –> “this person thinks that I am an easy target because I am fat and disgusting”

- I feel fat and disgusting –> “good that is the right and proactive way to think keep thinking that”

- I don’t feel fat and disgusting –> “something is seriously wrong with me today”

- I feel weak and fragile and can barely stand –> “wow I am in a great state of being”

- I feel strong and powerful and energized –> “you ate too much again you fat piece of shit this is not ok”

- “I need to restrict/purge to cope with binging to cope with restricting/purging to cope with binging to cope with restricting/purging to cope with binging to cope with…”