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[online-thoughts]

I suck at journaling

It's almost been a full year since I wrote the last entry. SO much has happened since then that I think my hands would cramp up before I could finish typing it all. Short overview: I graduated college :3, passed my NCLEX 1st try, started my first official nursing job in Philly, and made my first big adult purchase and bought a car. Now I don't really know how to journal, for me I feel like I just kinda word vomit until I'm satisfied with it and then I forget about it for months on end. I don't know if i'm supposed to be following a promt or just freeballing it but yk what its my journal so i'm just going to do whatever I want.

Let's start with the job. I know imposter syndrome is normal and hearing everyone in residency talk about how they're also feeling lsot gives me a sense of community but I still can't get out of my own head. Obviously i'm just starting this job and I'm surrounded by people who have been through the training and have been perfecting their skills for a while but I still feel so beneath them. Every time i have to ask for help with a skill, or clarification i just feel so stupid like I should know it already. I'm sure that most of it is in my head and that there is little judgment from them, but I still can't help but telling myself that they also think I am dumb and get annoyed when I go to them for help. I tried some AI journaling thing called rosebud and it was nice but i am not paying for a subscription. But it helped me to verbalize that I can't treat this job as a race but rather I need to be seeing it as a learning process. Nobody is expected to know everything about everything when you start your first job. Heaven knows college doesn't prepare you for the real world, and orientation is so hit or miss with what you can see that some things truly just come with time and practice. I need to remember to just take it one shift at a time, and that everyone was once where I was. Even if I ask a thousand questions, I shouldn't feel badly because in the end I am doing it for both mine and the patients' benefits. Anxiety is normal but I cannot let it take over my life.

I'm proud of myself so far for continuing to try and maintain a healthy work-life balance. It's not always easy, especially considering I am not always a social person and night shift absolutely drains me and take up 2 days with its scheduling. But Eliyah I am proud of you for making efforts to hang out with friends and family. For reconnecting with old friends, and trying to make the most of your 20s instead of making work your whole entire life. It's not always going to be easy but try to make that and your mental, emotional, and physical well being a priority.

Financials. Just thinking about having to start paying my loans, insurance, car, and other payments freaks me out. Factor in the part where I don't even have an apartment yet. I know I cannot keep doing the drive forever and need to move closer eventually but i don't know how to swing it. I know everything will all work itself out, and by budgeting and actually sitting down with soemone to tell me how to manage my financials i can do it but MAN is it scary being an adult.

Okay now all the anxiety ridden word vomit is done. I actually am happy with life right now (at least while I'm not thinking about all of that ^) I have a great support system, good friends, i'm happy and sufficient being single, I'm in good health, i have a car that I dont have to worry will break down on me every second, and I have hopes of a good future for myself. I think I just need to try and tell myself how proud I am of me more instead of tearing me down for perfectly normal human experiences. But then again, rome wasn't built in a day. My mental health will get to where I need it to be eventually, but for now I am proud of myself and she deserves to be happy and prosper in life.

I genuinely do think verbalizing my emotions will be good for me and I want to try and do it more, so until next time.

xo

[online-thoughts]

i’m starting this at an attempt to journal. i’ve tried before in actual notebooks but the thought of being able to pull out my phone and just type whenever i want to seems way more convenient. i’ve never been one to talk about my feelings with anybody, i’ve always found myself to me more of a listener. i’m not really posturing this for anything in particular it’s more so for me to get my thoughts out of my head and into words. i start back up again with my spring semester of my senior year of college in a few days and honestly i’m terrified. yes i’m excited to go back and see my friends, make memories blah blah blah but the thought that these are my last few months before becoming an adult scares me. becoming an “adult” comes with internships, job interviews, living alone, and realizing that life is a lot harder once you leave the comfort of home. recently feelings that i’ve been pushing aside for so long have been resurfacing. i find myself doubting if this is the field i even want to be in, or if i’m even “good enough”. i panic when i think about the question “what if i’ve spent 4 years of painstakingly stressful work to spend my life doing something i don’t even want to do?” the more i think about it the more i can feel the panic rising. now don’t get me wrong there are times when i think i could really see myself doing this and doing it for a long time but i can’t help but wonder if i only chose it because it’s what everyone expected me to, or if i actually enjoy it. i would call it a mid life crisis but i’m only 21 so i don’t think that’s the right term for it. now i know i’m not the only person who feels this way, and each person experiences this at some point in their life, but it’s still scary you know? it’s a scary moment when you realize that a whole new chapter in your life is ready to start so soon, especially when you feel completely and utterly unprepared for it. so tumblr i’ve come to you. maybe this can help me navigate through life and my emotions, and if not, at least i’ll have some good reading for the future.

until next time,

xo