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[onethatdoesthesaving]

To day Sam Carver was dreading this confrontation was an understatement. It was more about himself; him feeling shame for how he left things. How easy in the moment it was for him to blurt out how he felt. That he was crazy in love with her. But Carver saw the writing on the walls. How angry she had been with him for causing physical contact on that call, and she wasn’t wrong about the accusations about how he once felt for Kidd. But it was a brush of death type of crush it passed. But her harbored love for Hawkins and man she’d probably be with now if that horrible accident hadn’t happened. But Carver knew he owed Violet an explanation; as Kidd mention she was worried. I did leave her speechless now didn’t I? 

Sam stepped forward once he made his comment, he knew it could turn heads. He kept a neutral expression he had no idea if she was stepping into the lion’s den now with either a warm welcomed or her hand could slap him for ghosting, for disappearing on her. He allowed his eyes to rank over her; the sleepy eyes, the brunette locks tied back into a bun it was her signature work look. It was cute; and he knew he had those retorts coming. His phone was very much okay; Sam chose not to answer or listen to the pleading voicemails. He knew he was down deep for her; which meant he’d fold he’d show up within hours. But he needed time; to work himself out before he faced her; before he felt the need to feel vulnerability with her. A nod with a laugh left his lips. “ Funny, I probably had that coming. I didn’t want to reply. Nor did I want to listen to the voicemails at the time. I know I owe you a lot right now but I needed the space for me. That call shook me up Violet. I lost myself.” A himself he worked hard to overcome. And suddenly his career the passion he had for the job felt in jeopardy but it was her; he worried he screwed it up. And he stepped forward but enough to leave that lingering space between them. 

“ You don’t have to Violet. I had it coming. I messed up, I should be sorry for blurting out words you weren’t ready for. I don’t think I was ready for, how it’s true. And what you said was true; I did have a crush last year. But it was in the past.” I paused wanting to lighten the tension that was felt in this kitchen. “ Last I checked that mouth of yours was skilled..” Hinting to the times her mouth was busy on mine; our late night rondavels and a small smirk had to pull at his lips. Was he back for good? Sam had no idea. He wanted to; Stella wanted him at the house; but this new Chief there was a good chance he’d get axed come morning. “ Something tells me, Kidd won’t be letting me leave, she did beg for me to return..” A playful shrug on his part now..

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Carver was a man of action; a man that assumed he was over the fights. Over the tempers he fought as a kid. But that call; you could see the fear on the body; one wrong move and that dad the older brother was being verbally abusive and I lost it. I wasn’t the only one that day that let the anger the aggression get the best of him. Carver had to take time to revaluate himself; he needed to heal his own mind and frankly heart. Violet wasn’t wrong to assume the worse in me; it’s not as if I ever opened up to her. The only one at the house that knew the history with my brother; the mental exhaustion I experienced was Stella, we came up in the academy together; it made sense. 

And Violet as crazy as I was about her; her laugh; her smile, the passion she had for the job. I felt I held back for a reason. Our relationship was more intimate in the physical aspect sex, to get the edge off. And yes at Casey and Brett’s wedding we had a conversation of wanting more; she was scared of losing me like she did her ex boyfriend; but beyond that were we ever more than friends with benefits? I had no idea and I was the insane one to fall in love with her. And now I had to face my own consequences. At least it was night; and more likely than not most of the people on shift were sleeping. I stepped into the house; with ease, letting the door shut behind me. A deer in headlights. Kitchen right in view; and there Violet stood making a snack, and I quickly ducked behind the wall and leaned down on my knees. Did I want to talk to her now? I don’t know what to say? Her messy bedhead still made her beautiful. I felt this aching in my chest now as I tried to catch my breath. 

“ Carver. You came back I knew my preserving would do the trick.” Stella, I closed my eyes and in my mind said what the hell? Why are you up at 2am? And I knew me closing my eyes wasn’t going to force Stella away, she was probably gonna out me to Violet in the kitchen. And As if on cue she glanced to the kitchen with her hands on her hips. “ She was worried about you, you know. I told her I spoke to you.” And I exhaled deeply, as I stood up knowing I can’t hide from Stella or Violet. “ I just needed time. I messed up badly kidd, and I just I lost sight of who I was who I wanted to be.” She gave that sympathetic smile as she placed a hand on my shoulder. “ We’ll talk in the morning, but first I think you owe her that attention.” A nod to the kitchen where Violet was making her snack, and I nodded holding myself accountable. And Stella made her way back to her quarters. And I sighed to myself entering the kitchen, bag on shoulder with defeat. 

“ You always did love your middle of the night snacks.” I recalled the time we made sandwiches at 3am after an active night; a hint of a smile on my lips, as I tried to break the ice; for me for her, before Violet gave me an earful.

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Sam Carver was used to screwing himself over. He had a solid good thing, he spoke with his heart instead of his mind. He kept replying the locker room in his head; Violet accusing him of having a thing for Kidd; which is true a year ago I did develop a crush on Kidd but it was also early squashed. She was married; Severide would’ve beaten my ass. And then I got involved with Violet; we had this push and pull type of relationship dishing out advice a hand a shoulder and along that path our innocent nights; the nights of causal sex led me to fall for her. 

I was the stupid one to believe Violet could love me back. She was obviously still hung up on Hawkins; the framed picture in her bedroom was enough of a reminder. But Sam being a coward; walking away from Chicago was more about him than her. He messed up on that call. He lost his temper, he was reminded of vocal abuse, and he was brought back to the child at heart of feeling alone. Of feeling anger is why I shaved the wood; it helped relax him. His head told him to stay put in this shoe box apartment he was ranting out, but if Stella could forgive him for the constant forelows, maybe he could forgive himself. Sam had no idea what to do; but he also knew Stella, she never took no for an answer. Sam thought long and hard before he found himself zipping up his duffle of clothes, he stood at the doorway of his apartment; a note with the last rant check before he flickered the light off. 

The male found himself in his truck; and his equipment in the backseat; his phone on the dashboard the map showed his route to Chicago. Was his heart prepared to face the wrath of one Violet? No but he also had it coming; her lost messages; the voicemails he never listened to. Because hearing her voice would hurt him, he said he was crazy enough to fall in love with her; and now he had to beat those consequences for himself. As he 2 hours. And he pressed the music as he put his foot now on the gas. Two hours to think; to debate the pros and cons of his actions. It was about 2am when he arrived to the street parking at the grand house 51. He knew Stella was on shift, and seeing as the rigs and ambo was in the garage; he knew it was a safe bet to assume everyone was sleeping. Stepping outside of his truck; he felt the easy breeze now. And he found his bag over his shoulder. And he marched his way up the walkway; to a place that once was home. It had been a day since Stella called; it took him hours to decide the moral of right and wrong; but here Sam was to face his own demons.

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?