onethatdoesthesaving

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Carver was aware he messed up when he left; how he handled himself these last few months. Carver allowed his temper to get the best of him. The pain of relieving the abuse he felt growing up. The burning sensation of his brother putting his arm into flames. Carver that day felt as if he lost a piece himself, and he was ashamed of how he ghosted Violet. He had bottled up how he felt for weeks, how deeply he felt about her. And he was reminded that day; he wouldn’t be Hawkins how could he remotely attempt to replace the love she has for that man she lost. 

He knew Violet cared about him, she called enough during these months. She left voicemail after voicemail as if she was speaking into a void. And Sam was the idiot; he was a coward to listen, even now as he felt both were sending teasing out into the air; tippy toeing around that elephant in the room. “ do you?” I asked not because I thought for a second that Violet didn’t care. It was more Carver’s own defenses peeling up on him. Perhaps he did want to hear her say it; say yes, and test the waters. Tilting his head up now; as his darker hues met hers. Vulnerability was neither of our strong suits our relationship suddenly felt more physical than emotional. Carver was never open about his family, and Violet purposely tried not to talk about how she felt. So us teasing the idea of jealousy now was out of the comfort zone per say. Leaning his head slightly closer to where Violet’s was he whispered the obvious. “ Maybe I am, maybe I’m playing the field here, after all Lizzie does have the hots for me, perhaps I play on going to flirt with her too.” To get a rise out of Violet yes, his shoulders pushed into a shrug. 

A hint of a playful smile smoothed over his lips now.

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Sam knows he was messy he was probably deemed complicated. Sam never said he was easy to get to know. But hearing that Stamp of approval from Violet was enough for him. He liked Violet and he knows it was casual she never saw him as more than a physical aspect; a sex buddy if you may. But Sam did fall for her; and hearing the words he wasn’t so bad; felt nice. Given our situation; given how high and dry I had left her. But I felt on easy ground; like this early morning treat for us was a way of letting the dust settle. She cared; with her harmless threats; I could tell she cared about me. 

And I had to let a small smile creep upon my lips. Because it swelled my chest with pride to know she cared about me. “ From what I’m hearing is you care about me Violet?” I asked with a set of raised brows. Because it was easy to tease her; harmless. But when it came to being serious about us; it felt messy. I wouldn’t deny how I felt about the brunette; but I also wasn’t going to pressure her; I fell hard unexpectedly so. But I also know what its like to lose someone; and I would never try to put Violet in that position. As I sat at the table with my sandwich in toe, I had lifted the bread to my lips to take a bite; more than one. Cause I was hungry being on the road; and I had to smile. “ You definitely do.” Violet was smart, she was passionate, and I had faith in her. 

“ Someone is sounding jealous..” I commented as I glanced down to the table, not to poke the bear but I did. Because I secretly wanted to know if Violet was; if our relationship was still on the table. Lizzie could look but I only had eyes for one paramedic.

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Carver knew how hard it was for him to come home; to face the people who grew to trust him and he let down. Carver was the kind of guy to pretend he was okay moving around, he was okay if the permanent position here at 51 didn’t work out. But he made a family here. He knew he had to earn back the respect the trust of others; the most important one was the brunette trading threats his way in the kitchen. Obviously some of us firefighter know people in high places; and I did believe Violet was all bark. It was hot; to see the sense she did care. 

Regardless of how casual our relationship had been. Sam didn’t want to ruffle feathers or to open up those closed wounds on his own heart; but also hers. A 3am snack the casualty of our banter was all he needed. “ Oh really, you must care a great deal if you’re willing to track me down.” I added with a teasing tone on my own accord. It was nice; to bond again; to hold the stare when we spoke. By now Sam had taken his sandwich from the female; and he brought the bread to his mouth taking a bite; the ham and mustard a perfect combination. “ You know if being a first responder doesn’t work out you should open a sandwich shop.” I added to keep the talk light and airy between us. Sam wasn’t looking to bring up the wounds that dared to tear us apart. Offering a tender smile as I put his hand in the opened bag of chips and placed a few on his plate. By now Violet had finished her own sandwich and he eyed the full room of empty tables it was only us. “ Table.” 

Did she only have her late night snacks with me? My daily route wasn’t the same without Violet; I didn’t expect these feelings they crept up on me; and now I had to navigate how to move forward with them. Sam walked to the big table we all normally ate at for big meals and lowered himself into a chair. “ So how’s Lizzie? Is everything still working out there?” Causal conversation small talk the best way into easing into knowing each other again.

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Sam obviously had thought long and hard about the choices he made when he left. The incident at the restaurant, it haunted him, it was a reminder of his own life growing up, and then when Violet wanted to throw past feelings in his face, when she had a looming ghost over her own happiness, it was kinda hypocritical don’t you think? But Carver kept those thoughts to himself. He regretted not speaking to her and ghosting her for all these weeks. But Carver didn’t like the vulnerability he felt with her; he was in love; and he felt like he was holding back. 

Because our relationship was purely physical. I never told Violet about my history; with abuse, the scars I wore on my skin, she never asked. And I knew it was a mistake to utter those words; In love with you; but seeing as it was like an unspoken rule; or unspoken elephant in the room to where neither one of us wanted to open those can of worms. It stung but did I deserve her spoken feelings? No Not with how I handled my disappearing act. The male slowly moved his duffle to one of the empty chairs as he heard her threat. “ Know people in high places huh?” I joked with a tag of a smirk hitting the corners of my lips. “ You being feisty is kinda hot, the idea of  you tracking me down just to beat my ass..” He echoed with that lingering smirk. It was hot to witness this more fierce side of the brunette. She was a badass, she cared I could tell, but she also wasn’t over her ex that was gone. And I could respect that; I had my own demons to track down in my own mind. By now the male had rounded the corner of the counter and was by her side, until her request came out. 

“ Capp.” He mumbled with a laugh as he stopped at the cabinets where he was able to take out the chips labeled capp. “ Mustard.” He added in a call with his back to her; before he had the bottled waters from the fridge, this would be nice us having a snack together; us perhaps talking almost like a late night date? Or was that too assumption of me? Turning back as I had placed all the necessary items down on the counter. I took it upon myself to reach for the plates that laid at the edge probably for the breakfast call in a few hours.

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Sam expected a more passive, a more stubborn Violet. Considering how he left; he had ghosted her; ghosted those who cared about him. Stella only got the notice of another furlow from him, assuming boden had let her know before the now Commissioner left the house. Did I feel guilty for how I left? Ended things? Yes. I had lashed out; I had allowed my temper, my emotions get the best of me. I didn’t return calls, I didn’t let Violet know I was okay. I had let her down; year some people looking in through the glass may opt to say I didn’t owe Violet anything. 

As she had so obviously made clear to me; we were no strings attached. Purely sex, a physical thing. But Sam knew if she needed an ear to listen he was that guy. If she needed a distraction I was that guy. I cared about Violet; I cared when she looked frustrated; I cared when she was struggling having an off day. I cared and I stupidly fell in love with with her. And now although I was relieved that Violet didn’t want to slap me. I also didn’t know where we’d stand. Standing still as he waited for her own sense of apology of telling me how she felt; and the feelings crap neither of us wanted to dig into which made our relationship messy and complicated.. 

I thought our talk at the wedding where she admitted she was scared to lose someone again and I said I wasn’t going anywhere was enough. In my mind my eyes had only been on her; I wasn’t looking elsewhere. And I knew her reasoning. Hawkins the man in the picture was someone she deeply loved and lost tragically. And I felt for her; but i couldn’t compete against a ghost. And I was hurt to see those framed pictures when I rolled out of bed with her that morning. I had to accept my own pride now. “ I care about you too. I think we both jumped the gun on assumptions. I don’t expect anything here with us. It was fun, and we enjoyed each other’s company.” I paused not quite sure where Sam was heading here as he tried to catch his own thoughts. “ Just know I know I messed up with you, I should’ve said how I felt earlier and I understand you got hurt you’ve lost people.” Pausing once more to allow his hand to reach down to grasp hold of her smaller palm. “ You won’t lose me Violet.” 

Before we got in knee deep in vulnerability here; the male took his hand back and started towards the kitchen; the laid out ingredients for a late night snack. “ Is that ham I see, yes count me in.” Echoed words; plus it felt like hours since the male ate; and perhaps a meal of only us could help us find that footing again even if it landed with us being friends.

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

To day Sam Carver was dreading this confrontation was an understatement. It was more about himself; him feeling shame for how he left things. How easy in the moment it was for him to blurt out how he felt. That he was crazy in love with her. But Carver saw the writing on the walls. How angry she had been with him for causing physical contact on that call, and she wasn’t wrong about the accusations about how he once felt for Kidd. But it was a brush of death type of crush it passed. But her harbored love for Hawkins and man she’d probably be with now if that horrible accident hadn’t happened. But Carver knew he owed Violet an explanation; as Kidd mention she was worried. I did leave her speechless now didn’t I? 

Sam stepped forward once he made his comment, he knew it could turn heads. He kept a neutral expression he had no idea if she was stepping into the lion’s den now with either a warm welcomed or her hand could slap him for ghosting, for disappearing on her. He allowed his eyes to rank over her; the sleepy eyes, the brunette locks tied back into a bun it was her signature work look. It was cute; and he knew he had those retorts coming. His phone was very much okay; Sam chose not to answer or listen to the pleading voicemails. He knew he was down deep for her; which meant he’d fold he’d show up within hours. But he needed time; to work himself out before he faced her; before he felt the need to feel vulnerability with her. A nod with a laugh left his lips. “ Funny, I probably had that coming. I didn’t want to reply. Nor did I want to listen to the voicemails at the time. I know I owe you a lot right now but I needed the space for me. That call shook me up Violet. I lost myself.” A himself he worked hard to overcome. And suddenly his career the passion he had for the job felt in jeopardy but it was her; he worried he screwed it up. And he stepped forward but enough to leave that lingering space between them. 

“ You don’t have to Violet. I had it coming. I messed up, I should be sorry for blurting out words you weren’t ready for. I don’t think I was ready for, how it’s true. And what you said was true; I did have a crush last year. But it was in the past.” I paused wanting to lighten the tension that was felt in this kitchen. “ Last I checked that mouth of yours was skilled..” Hinting to the times her mouth was busy on mine; our late night rondavels and a small smirk had to pull at his lips. Was he back for good? Sam had no idea. He wanted to; Stella wanted him at the house; but this new Chief there was a good chance he’d get axed come morning. “ Something tells me, Kidd won’t be letting me leave, she did beg for me to return..” A playful shrug on his part now..

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Carver was a man of action; a man that assumed he was over the fights. Over the tempers he fought as a kid. But that call; you could see the fear on the body; one wrong move and that dad the older brother was being verbally abusive and I lost it. I wasn’t the only one that day that let the anger the aggression get the best of him. Carver had to take time to revaluate himself; he needed to heal his own mind and frankly heart. Violet wasn’t wrong to assume the worse in me; it’s not as if I ever opened up to her. The only one at the house that knew the history with my brother; the mental exhaustion I experienced was Stella, we came up in the academy together; it made sense. 

And Violet as crazy as I was about her; her laugh; her smile, the passion she had for the job. I felt I held back for a reason. Our relationship was more intimate in the physical aspect sex, to get the edge off. And yes at Casey and Brett’s wedding we had a conversation of wanting more; she was scared of losing me like she did her ex boyfriend; but beyond that were we ever more than friends with benefits? I had no idea and I was the insane one to fall in love with her. And now I had to face my own consequences. At least it was night; and more likely than not most of the people on shift were sleeping. I stepped into the house; with ease, letting the door shut behind me. A deer in headlights. Kitchen right in view; and there Violet stood making a snack, and I quickly ducked behind the wall and leaned down on my knees. Did I want to talk to her now? I don’t know what to say? Her messy bedhead still made her beautiful. I felt this aching in my chest now as I tried to catch my breath. 

“ Carver. You came back I knew my preserving would do the trick.” Stella, I closed my eyes and in my mind said what the hell? Why are you up at 2am? And I knew me closing my eyes wasn’t going to force Stella away, she was probably gonna out me to Violet in the kitchen. And As if on cue she glanced to the kitchen with her hands on her hips. “ She was worried about you, you know. I told her I spoke to you.” And I exhaled deeply, as I stood up knowing I can’t hide from Stella or Violet. “ I just needed time. I messed up badly kidd, and I just I lost sight of who I was who I wanted to be.” She gave that sympathetic smile as she placed a hand on my shoulder. “ We’ll talk in the morning, but first I think you owe her that attention.” A nod to the kitchen where Violet was making her snack, and I nodded holding myself accountable. And Stella made her way back to her quarters. And I sighed to myself entering the kitchen, bag on shoulder with defeat. 

“ You always did love your middle of the night snacks.” I recalled the time we made sandwiches at 3am after an active night; a hint of a smile on my lips, as I tried to break the ice; for me for her, before Violet gave me an earful.

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Sam Carver was used to screwing himself over. He had a solid good thing, he spoke with his heart instead of his mind. He kept replying the locker room in his head; Violet accusing him of having a thing for Kidd; which is true a year ago I did develop a crush on Kidd but it was also early squashed. She was married; Severide would’ve beaten my ass. And then I got involved with Violet; we had this push and pull type of relationship dishing out advice a hand a shoulder and along that path our innocent nights; the nights of causal sex led me to fall for her. 

I was the stupid one to believe Violet could love me back. She was obviously still hung up on Hawkins; the framed picture in her bedroom was enough of a reminder. But Sam being a coward; walking away from Chicago was more about him than her. He messed up on that call. He lost his temper, he was reminded of vocal abuse, and he was brought back to the child at heart of feeling alone. Of feeling anger is why I shaved the wood; it helped relax him. His head told him to stay put in this shoe box apartment he was ranting out, but if Stella could forgive him for the constant forelows, maybe he could forgive himself. Sam had no idea what to do; but he also knew Stella, she never took no for an answer. Sam thought long and hard before he found himself zipping up his duffle of clothes, he stood at the doorway of his apartment; a note with the last rant check before he flickered the light off. 

The male found himself in his truck; and his equipment in the backseat; his phone on the dashboard the map showed his route to Chicago. Was his heart prepared to face the wrath of one Violet? No but he also had it coming; her lost messages; the voicemails he never listened to. Because hearing her voice would hurt him, he said he was crazy enough to fall in love with her; and now he had to beat those consequences for himself. As he 2 hours. And he pressed the music as he put his foot now on the gas. Two hours to think; to debate the pros and cons of his actions. It was about 2am when he arrived to the street parking at the grand house 51. He knew Stella was on shift, and seeing as the rigs and ambo was in the garage; he knew it was a safe bet to assume everyone was sleeping. Stepping outside of his truck; he felt the easy breeze now. And he found his bag over his shoulder. And he marched his way up the walkway; to a place that once was home. It had been a day since Stella called; it took him hours to decide the moral of right and wrong; but here Sam was to face his own demons.

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?

[onethatdoesthesaving]

Bad Habits are hard to break

@stubbornismymiddlename

Bad habits are hard to break. 

Habits; the old ones you believe you blocked out, the ones you felt you had let go of. Sam Carver was the one that did the saving, the one that deep inside felt like he was drowning. He was the savior; his brother; the screw up that his life altered having to pick up the pieces. A shell of a back was who Sam was; he worked his ass off through the academy, and somehow it didn’t feel enough. He spent his first few years in the force, the CFD where he bounced around. He kept one duffle of clothing he never fully shopped to create a home in the apartment he lived in. Because why put in the effort when you knew it was only temporarily. 

That was until he landed at house 51. The vibe was different, you felt welcomed at home. Not to mention he recognized a familiar face; Stella Kidd now lieutenant. Was he envious of her? Yeah she worked her ass up and she become someone we all were proud of, but Sam knew the brief time period he had a little crush. Was it because she saved his ass? You know one of those hero moments where you life blinked before your eyes and she was the one that tugged me out of near death. She was married; and something told Sam he’d get a beat down if that husband of hers found out. But it was a crush, she wasn’t why he found himself running from the one place he felt like home. 

It was his fling with Violet which never quite felt like a fling it felt deep and intimate. It was easy; I didn’t want to be another guy she lost. A person she cared about that she now had to say goodbye to. Sam cared about her; may even be worth to say crazy in love. Our time together was special, I wanted to be the best version of myself with her. And for a while I felt like I was okay, I was on the firm and narrow, even repairing my current apartment, because I planned on staying. But that last call before I went on for low kept slipping through my head. The bad parent; the aggressively brother; I felt like my world came crashing down, the protective nature; the boy who was obviously terrified of his family was me. And I reacted; I put hands on a civilian, I went nuts; and looking back Sam knows he should’ve handled himself different, his bad habits are hard to break. But he felt powerless again, he left the firehouse in defeat; he said the words he harbored inside of him for weeks. I love you; when Violet wasn’t prepared remotely ready to hear it. But in the heat of the moment I felt i had to be clear. The shock, the slight hint of tears in her eyes was the last memory I had of her. 

The persistent aching that never left my chest now, and its been two months since I left Chicago. Sam had a countless number of missed phone calls from Stella, from Violet well Violet called once a week and when I would automatically send it to voicemail I think she got the hint I had no interest in being chewed out again. So she only sent messages that said “ Sam.. are  you okay?” And I fought the urges to reply, but I couldn’t not until I figured myself out. Those two months Carver found himself in Milwaukee. He wasn’t working as a firefighter; he was doing construction, repairs in houses; on the loadwork of construction sites. He knew why he reacted; he remembered the countless number of times his dad came at him, he was the only physical thing standing between his brother and dad; the scars that shattered his body. But owning up to his mistakes felt like a hurdle of its own. Sam wasn’t ready. He had his tool bag in hand, and he was just walking into his small apartment, when he felt the persistent vibrations from his phone, and brows pushed together as he dropped his bag and closed the front door. He didn’t even look at the chicago number; he just pressed green and answered. “ Hello Tom.” Assuming it was his boss he just left the jobsite now. “ Carver get your ass back here.” 

Stella? I asked myself before I could make a lame excuse now she went on and continued.. “ I know you’re a little messed up right now, we all are. And I know I went off that day, we had to look at the image of the CFD but the water is brushed under, I’m worried about you, come home.” A plead in her voice, I could hear movement in the back a whisper from Severide about “You got hold of him.” And I know I’d be dodging every call from Chicago, this was pure luck now. The male sighed as I uttered. “ I don’t know, I’m sure you filled my spot Kidd.” And she was quick to add “ No, it’s yours you never said you weren’t coming back, I held it for you. You messed up, but it shouldn’t define the future you have here. See you soon.” She aired out noting I probably wasn’t going to give a straight answer now. THe male let the line go dead, as he marched into his small living room. Dropping himself down to the couch; a little lumpy, as he thought about it. 

Home; the people the family I made, falling in love for real. A home I shattered; and now I was living under a rock of protection from myself; how many bad habits would follow me? Where is my heart and head?