one-spider-from-mars

[one-spider-from-mars]

i hate it when customers get mad about policy and go “well i’ve always thought it worked differently” like ok. when i was a kid i thought the drains in sinks and bathtubs lead to Hell and i would pour things down them for the dead people. it turns out that you can think things that aren’t true

[one-spider-from-mars]

*bleeding to death because the paramedics can’t break the windows to get me out of my stupid fucking truck* heha well at least i dont have to worry about the friggin Zombie Apocalypse… awesomesauce 😎

[one-spider-from-mars]

[one-spider-from-mars]

hi gay

hi whore

[one-spider-from-mars]

this is literally me on tumblr.com

[one-spider-from-mars]

burning text gif maker

heart locket gif maker

minecraft advancement maker

minecraft logo font text generator w/assorted textures and pride flags

windows error message maker (win1.0-win11)

FromSoftware image macro generator (elden ring Noun Verbed text)

image to 3d effect gif

vaporwave image generator

microsoft wordart maker (REALLY annoying to use on mobile)

you're welcome

[one-spider-from-mars]

[one-spider-from-mars]

[one-spider-from-mars]

I noticed our periods aren't synced, are you mad at me?

[one-spider-from-mars]

I recently found out why my mom would never sleep around me when I was a kid. Like she’d never let herself take naps or sleep if I was awake, ever. Or if she did, she would lock her bedroom door. So when I was 6, I was asleep in my bed in the middle of the night when I hear a loud bang, like a pot being dropped and come out to the living room to see my mom standing by the window, with just a huge pile of spaghetti all over the sill, and a pot on the ground, and I ’m like “Are you gonna eat all that?” And ya’ll she get’s BIG MAD and yells at me and chases me to my room but then a little while later a bunch of cops show up and ask me a bunch of random ass questions about my art? Like this one cop lady keeps asking me to draw dragons for her?! And they seem mad as hell

I didn’t want to get arrested so I just never asked my mom for spaghettis after that. Lesson, learned. Don’t ask mom for spaghettis or she’ll call the damn police on you. 

So I have this memory in my head, and it goes unquestioned until I say it outload for the first time a few months back and as soon as I say the words “When I was six, my mom called the cops on me for asking for spaghettis” My adult logic slams into place and is like “Hang on. Your mother definatly did not call the police on a 6 year old for asking for spaghetti.” 

So obviously that’s not what really went down. I call up my mom to tell her how I remember it and on top of her figuring out why her kid has always been really cagey around spaghettis for the last 3 decades she tells me what really happened. 

So on that night, a man tried to break into our house through the front window. It was just my mom, and her kids so she did what she felt she had too and shot him in the head. He’d been wearing a helmet, which landed on the floor under the window.

Now I just want ya’ll to put yourselves in my moms shoes for a minute here. This woman has just taken a human life. The trauma of that- the instant agony, the panic, the guilt, the fear- all of it hitting her at once, her only solace the knowledge that her children are safe. She protected her daughters. No matter the cost to her soul- her children are safe.

Then she looks up and sees her six year old staring at the inside of this mans head before saying “Are you gonna eat all that?” 

[one-spider-from-mars]

[one-spider-from-mars]

me getting silly in the pussy if im being honest ?

[one-spider-from-mars]

nobody got hurt so im allowed to giggle about this extremely looney tunes looking accident on a part of 64 i used to drive down at least once a week

[one-spider-from-mars]

i’m like the joker in the sense that i tell jokes sometimes

[one-spider-from-mars]

so hard to explain your personal inside jokes but. okay so every time i roll a joint i’m like hmm how much is left in the tray.. about a joints worth..

and then i get caught up thinking about a weed butler named jointsworth

[one-spider-from-mars]

why haven’t I seen anyone posting about that giant fucking baby penguin in Melbourne that’s bigger than some of the adults already

[one-spider-from-mars]

Why does it feel weird and intimate to mention that someone was in even the most innocuous of your dreams? Sorry my subconscious decided to think about you for a second. You were a curator at an ice cream museum that was also my second grade classroom. If you even care.