omgitstatertot

[omgitstatertot]

Jason: B ? Dick jumped off the Wayne Towers roof.

Batman: What of it ?

Jason: He's the only one wihout a cape. And I may or may not have taken his grapple battery.

Batman: IS HE OKAY ?!

Jason: If it wasn't for Clark his last words would've been "I'm a squirell!".

[omgitstatertot]

price commiting war crimes like it's jaywalking

[omgitstatertot]

Tim: I discovered who Batman is

Bruce, acting shocked: who??

Tim: it’s… CLARK KENT

Damian, watching from afar: I know we all agreed weed would help Drake calm down.. but this is..

Jason: more importantly why is Bruce playing along?

Dick: I want to hear more about this theory

—-

Meanwhile in Metropolis:

Clark, reading the newspaper, cup of coffee: did someone call for me?

Lois: no? Who do you think did?

Clark: this is going to sound crazy, but I think Tim thinks I’m Batman and is unaware of Bruce’s identity

Lois: ok.. while you ponder that can you do the dishes?

Kon, also listening in, pulling Lois aside: I want it on record that I did NOT supply Tim with weed

Lois:

Kon: and that I would NEVER do so

Lois: I will offer you ten seconds to find a better hiding spot for your stash than under your bed

Kon, running off:

—-

This was the last time Bruce was convinced to allow Tim to consume substances based on a slideshow that Tim had created.

[omgitstatertot]

[omgitstatertot]

john "you can't divorce me in a way that matters" price

[omgitstatertot]

Teenage Damian: Father, I have something very important to tell you. Richard has assured me it will not change your view of me, and I am holding you to that.

Bruce, thinking another kid is coming out: of course Damian. You are my kid, that will not change

Damian: *nods and takes a deep breath*

Damian: As you are aware, there has been a concerning increase of bats and they have risked disturbing the signals and various memorabilia due to them

Damian: There are more that are flying or stationing themselves around lower to the ground, and I have overheard you and Gordon wondering if they are diseased or rabid.

Bruce, officially lost: hn

Damian: The reason there's been an uptick of bats inside the main part of the cave is due to me feeding and befriending them

Bruce:

Damian: They prefer kiwi and strawberries

[omgitstatertot]

I know fanon Tim is practically like, the opposite of canon Tim, and the coffee addiction is one of the notoriously opposite things considering canonically Tim doesn't even like coffee, but the fact that it was started because Tim would fall asleep in places?? like, there is such a golden opportunity here and ppl decided to project their coffee addiction on him instead???

Cause imagine Tim who falls asleep anywhere. Tim who works and works and decides that he'll go to sleep after this one last bit but accidentally falls asleep in front of the Batcomputer. Tim who is found by Bruce, who goes all soft, picks him up and takes him up to his bedroom.

Imagine Tim having movie nights with Jason with the worst horror film that Jason arranged just to see Tim get scared except he doesn't react to any of the jumpscares because he fell asleep 5 minutes in. Jason doesn't know if he should be offended or impressed about the whole thing.

Imagine Tim just dozing off while he's trapping Damian so that he can't stab him and Damian doesn't realise until

Dick: ...and I wish you would stop but you– Tim?

Tim: ....

Dick: Is he... is he actually asleep?

Damian who has been trapped in his hands the whole time and thought that Tim was also listening to the lecture is more furious than ever because how dare Tim leave him alone in this.

New plan to murder Tim in his sleep coming up soon. (Because how dare he let himself be so vulnerable around Damian!)

[omgitstatertot]

Jason: *icing cake he baked* Tim: oh, cool. Can I take a picture? That’s really pretty. Jason: uh, sure? Why? Tim: to post it on insta. Jason: *stops icing cake* what’s insta? Tim: Tim: *look of slowly dawning horror* you died. Oh my god you died— Jason: *muttering* I thought we already acknowledged that. You know, quite explosively acknowledged it Tim: *completely speaking over him* DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A SNAPCHAT IS? FUCK— Jason: dude you’re hyperventilating

[omgitstatertot]

hey. sorry for calling you "my subject" at your family dinner. i'm not sure if i meant it in a princess way or a scientist way but either way it was definitely a sex thing for me

[omgitstatertot]

target practice

[omgitstatertot]

I think it would be so fucking funny if Bruce and Jason constantly treated Gotham (city) like a real person, and spoke about it in a strange, codependent way. Like, hearing this without a context definitely feels like they are talking about their girlfriends or something. And the rest of the family is, like, concerned.

Dick, just adopted: So, when I was in circus, we constantly travelled around! That's, like, so cool! Will we travel a lot, too?

Bruce, sighing: I used to, but she keeps calling for me. I can't really leave her alone.

Dick, confused: Your girlfriend?..

Bruce: What?

Bruce: Gotham.

Dick: whoa, WHAT

Bruce, sitting with a half-smile and little cake on the table: Good morning

Tim, who only used to see Bruce depressed during the whole year: Woah, it is someone's birthday?

Bruce: Of course. It is her day

Tim: Uh-h... Catwoman's?

Bruce: What? No, no, Gotham's?

Tim: ...What the hell. Sure.

Then Jason comes back, assured that he and Gotham are locked like that. They are besties. Gotham loves him — she brought him back. The rest of the family genuinely starts to think that both of them are specifically fucked up in the head on the level others aren't.

Jason: My life was rough, but she was here when I needed her the most. Her hands cradled me in life — then death. I am so grateful.

Damian, confused: Are you speaking of my mother, Todd?

Jason: Talia is great, but I meant Gotham.

Damian: Gotham?..

Bruce, passing by: Isn't she the best?

Jason: Hate to agree with old man, but, yeah.

Damian: *_*

Roy, staring at Jason, who is complaining on Bruce again after a patrol: Remind me again, why can't you work in another city? Even country. You love France. Move out!

Jason, frowning: There is no way I am leaving her.

Kori, confused: Her? You got a girlfriend?

Jason: ???

Jason: GOTHAM??? I AM TALKING ABOUT GOTHAM.

Kori: ...

Roy: Crowbar crowbar-ed a little close to the sun?

The Batfamily: (Voting to which city/country they want to have their family trip)

Dick, counting down anonymous voices: Alright, two votes for China. Three for Italy. One vote for Spain. And...

Dick, with his eye twitching: Two votes for Gotham. Really?

Everyone: (turn to Bruce and Jason)

Bruce and Jason, synchronically: Okay, hear me out—

[omgitstatertot]

Well, fuck me sideways. Connections have been made.

My girlfriend has this specific gesture she does sometimes, a very particular way of turning her wrist around and locking her fingers in one specific grip. Fast or slow, the angle of her wrist and the rhythm of the movement are always exactly the same, and at this point I've learned to recognize the motion well enough that she could do it with her back towards me and I know she's doing it.

The first time I saw her do it I thought she was putting something into her pocket, but once I noticed her making it more often I started making connections. I saw her doing it unconsciously when some situation in the house is getting tense - not during the casual sparring arguments with my other housemates, but the serious fights where shit is about to actually get fucking real - and I figured that it's a nervous thing, she doesn't like where this is going and it's scaring her. So that became my cue that it's time to back down.

I don't know when she noticed that I noticed her doing it. We've never talked about it, but at some point she started doing it on purpose, as her way of telling me that I should stop causing problems. Rotating her hand slowly means she's seeing a problem brewing and it's better that I watch myself before I start escalating it, and a quick flick and snap means whatever I was just about to say or do, I should cut that shit out right this fucking second. It works for some reason, so I've respected that.

My girlfriend does some volunteering favors for the neighbors here sometimes. Today she asked if I wanted to come along to walk this one old couple's dog, and I was feeling up for it so I went along. My father was terrified of dogs so I'm not familiar with them, but her family has always had them.

So we were walking, talking about something else, enjoying the nice weather for once, when my girlfriend saw another dog walker approaching. I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary, but the other dog walker started pulling the dog back with this roller leash thing whatever the fuck they're called. And then the old couples' dog started growling.

With the familiarity of someone who's been handling dogs all her life my girlfriend grabbed the little fucker's leash, wrapping it around the width of her palm and gripping it to pull the dog closer a second before it could bolt to attack. A move she's probably done countless times in her life, that she could do in her sleep, by instinct, without ever even thinking about it. A gesture I've learned to fucking spot from across the room from the corner of my eye. That exact same fucking twirl and grip. I have no idea if she noticed me noticing it or making the connection.

She's fucking learned to pull my fucking leash back when I'm about to start shit.

[omgitstatertot]

[omgitstatertot]

reds and blues

[omgitstatertot]

Jason: *walks into living room and pauses, looking at tim* uh Tim: *frowns as he looks up from a book* what? Jason: um. Tim: dude. Spit it out. Jason: *still staring* you like that book? Tim: yeah I’m really loving it! It’s a new bestseller, Steph recommended it. It’s a fun fantasy. ‘S got dragons and the romance is nice and Jane Austen-esque. You should read it, it’s right up your alley. Jason: uh. Okay. I’ll, uh, look into it. And, uh, what about the author? Know anything about them? Tim: *frowns* aside from the fact that there’s like, no information about them, no Jason: *chuckles nervously* ah, yeah. Haha.

Jason, later to his editor: hey can we change my pseudonym? I wanna use “Todd Peter” and see how long it takes for my brother to yell at me editor: Jason that’s not how pseudonyms work

[omgitstatertot]

Jason: *walks into the manor* Tim: *on the couch* hey Jason, how’s it—wait Jason: *looks over at him* yeah? Tim: is that a DOG Jason: *clearly holding a puppy* no. It’s an extraterrestrial eldrich being. Tim: BRO Jason: *walks into the kitchen, still acting like there is no dog* Alfred: *raises brows* have you adopted a puppy, Master Jason? Unfortunately, there is a rule about animals in the kitchen. As you are aware. Jason: she isn’t an animal. She’s an extraterrestrial eldrich being. Alfred: *stares down at the dog* she looks like a regular dog to me. Jason: fine. I’ll take me and my baby outside. Tim: baby???? He adopted a dog before a child???? I owe Steph ten bucks *from outside* Duke: WHAT IS THAT Jason: a puppy Duke: THAT IS CLEARLY NOT FROM EARTH Tim: Alfred:

[omgitstatertot]

Lets be real

Everyone has always fantasized about a stranger paying for they groceries, stalker or not

Inflation is so fucking bad we're fantasizing about stalkers leaving groceries