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omgamganapatayeom · 5 years ago

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9.3.2019

AUGUST

WHAT WAS THAT

FKIN STORM MAN LOL

WOWOWOwowowowooWOWOWOOWW

we are here. and we are okay.

this past month has been uber, uber challenging to sit with. I feel I still haven’t fully bounced back or fully integrated WTF has happened but DAMN SON

in brief, went home for 3 weeks. got sick for 7 days + bedridden. isolation. not working out. feeling uninspired. lonely. questioning life, purpose, passion, and intuition. and went down the anxiety hole latched to the ego REAL FUCKING FAST.

felt depressed. didn’t want to live anymore. yes, we went there! shit got trippy real fast. literally observed myself contemplating if I should continue living.

I'm in a period of transition. LOTS of new beginnings: moving across the country, moving somewhere permanent (!!), leaving a relationship, starting school, new friendships. and damn it’s exciting and so, so needed. and I couldn’t be more grateful or ecstatic. but I think I underplay the limbo period and how it has affected me. sometimes I feel lost and without purpose. I get overwhelmed with options, while when I get too “spiritual” and big picture, I tend to lose fascination with life and earth and our role here. but that is also my ego. tonight I went to cycling for the first time 3 weeks and it was such a blessing. I feel revived and like I'm apart of humanity again. a good sweat with EDM music is what the soul needs sometimes :’-)

also trusting that you’re on the path and noticing thought patterns that claim to be God talking but so aren’t. if you have to question if it’s your intuition, it’s prob not, right? labeling these thought patterns that drag me under and don’t serve me. and watching and observing them. it’s huge. and feeding myself good thoughts.

“So much of your body is governed by your mind, your thought life, your perspective.💭 And you can creatively use that to thrive...and you can also creatively use that to worry and suffer. I’ve always liked this quote from Albert Einstein, “worry is a terrible waste of the imagination.” And imagination is such a beautiful thing to waste! So here’s to using our powerful imaginations to help us thrive this week💫✨”

“Our minds are projectors, constantly making meaning and finding evidence in the stories we’ve scripted from our past experiences. Virtually the only difference between a person who is “conscious” in their relationship to themselves and others and person who is not, is the ability to observe the mind and to separate one’s thoughts from truth. If you believe everything your mind tells you, you have bought into the illusion. Part of “waking up” is learning not to believe every thought you think. Traumas and fears creep in and take up residence in our minds, and if we are not careful, we will begin to live from those places. The “I’m broken story”. . The “I’m so different, no one understands me story”. . The “I’m unlovable story.” . The “I’ll always be abandoned” story. . The “I’m incapable of change” story. These are the scripts our mind loves to feed us, and they are rooted in fear and pain. It takes practice to begin observing our thoughts and learning not to buy in to the darkness. A major component of “Conscious Relationship Work” is in this exact practice. Learning to observe our stories without attaching to them. To recognize our shadow as it rears its head, and choose to let it pass, rather than hold it, or act it out in our relationships. In the words of Sogyal Rinpoche in “The book of the Living and Dying”: . “Whatever you find yourself thinking, let that thought rise and settle, without any constraint. Don’t grasp at it, feed it, or indulge it; don’t cling to it and don’t try to solidify it. Neither follow thoughts nor invite them; be like the ocean looking at its own waves, or the sky gazing down on the clouds that pass through it.” . What is a story you can observe and give a voice to today? As we speak our stories out loud from a place of ownership, the power they hold over us disintegrates. You are a capable, beautiful, lovable soul. We are all here to learn. 🙏”

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omgamganapatayeom · 5 years ago

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8.23.2019

ALSO

all these peeps whose teachings right now are driving me fucking insane are NOT people that I want to be like. teachers at the piramides, the authors of the books, monks...these are not people that come to mind when I think of people that are similar to the frequency I embody or want to embody.

also they are human and I saw these “holier than thou” peeps at the pyramids fuck up so everyone fucks up ok no one knows all the answers even the people that u think are holier than thou are not we are all human welcome to the party so just do what ur heart desires and don’t compare your journey to anyone else.

I have my own journey here

I have my own frequency

I create my own world

I have the ability to choose what I want and what I don’t want in this world

I am magnetic, creative, spontaneous, magical, light-emitting

I choose to no longer let anxiety control me

I choose to be happy and love and immerse myself in my passions

I choose to let life happen

I choose to not overthink things

yay

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omgamganapatayeom · 5 years ago

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8.23.2019

are you using the mind as a tool, or is the mind using you?

also--God speaks in stillness. God’s language is not anxiety.

the past few days have been brutal.

mind-numbing and paralyzing anxiety attacks.

coming home is tough. coming home has confronted me with with a lot of old belief systems and patterns--seeing them reenacted right out in front of you. at first, I take it personally. I feel I absorb it...it affects my energy field. I recognize that we are all on different parts of our journey. I recognize that our conditioning and environment affects us entirely. I have chosen a different path--this path is no “better” or “worse” than the other. it’s the one that resonated with me.

last week I was sick for seven days which put me in total isolation. to begin with, over the previous year when I have come home, I have a difficult time staying here. with being confronted and seeing old belief systems re-enacted, plus not feeling supported with regards to my beliefs, journey, or the person I am today, I felt unimportant and almost disrespected. I felt my life was a joke or humiliating to others. I felt scared to hang out around them because I would get so agitated, triggered, or fearful that I would “absorb this energy” and convert back to what I once was.

I choose to no longer take the actions or comments of my family members personally. I choose to recognize that that is a reflection of their own world, and this does not mean they do not love me. I choose to recognize that they are doing the absolute best they can do with what they have, know, and experience. I choose to no longer absorb the energy I do not wish to take in, and know I am safe and protected. I choose to believe that I can still hang out with them, send them love, and be in service to the world guiding them to love more.

BACK TO THE STORY: seven days of isolation led me to a shit place. I felt very depressed towards the end of last week and beginning of this week. I fully lost hope in humanity and my future. I felt like I should just die and contribute no longer to the world. I felt there was nothing here for me. I also got SUPER fearful because I was reading a book called the “Yoga of Eating” that was discussing diets. It was talking about how diets can be a range of different densities, low to high. Depending on your lifestyle, belief system, physical activity, and day to day activities, a specific density of diet can be more accommodating compared to another. for example, a high density diet (animal protein, lots of fats, processed foods) can be accommodating to living in the physical plane and the chaos of the modern world. it desensitizes you. if you are meditating all day, obviously it is beneficial to have a diet of a lower density.

this prompted me to think about my own life. I love eating a lower density diet. it makes me feel more connected to myself, my surroundings, and the earth. I feel more in touch with myself and my intuition. my mind then jumped to this thought--maybe I should just go meditate for the rest of my life. this does not sound appealing to me. and then I started this cycle of “holy shit maybe my entire journey has prepared me for this and I guess I need to trust my gut and maybe my gut is trying to tell me something.” cue a fucking breakdown! then I was questioning everything. I began to question my intuition again and what is right and wrong. my ego would get so involved and every time I would sit down to meditate I would be terrified of the answer I would receive and the idea of letting go and I noticed it would try and condition me to answer this.

intuition scares me right now though. I think it is because I am trying to learn to trust it and want to let it completely guide me. if my intuition was to guide me right now though, I feel I would still go to portland. I want to do this masters in nutrition. I'll be honest--I feel less excited about nutrition right now than I once did. over the past year, I have become more interested in the spiritual experience rather than the physical. I believe food is a bridge and connection between the physical and spiritual, the macro to the microcosm. it is a direct catalyst. what you put in your body directly affects the earth, the planet...triggers a vibrational frequency change within yourself and among the collective consciousness. each plant and food item has a spirit than I am going to get to directly work with, spiritually and scientifically. THIS MAKES ME SO EXCITED. I know that I want to anchor down and be somewhere for a bit and make friends and be in a place with like-minded people. speaking about intuition, the last large run in and anxiety episode I had with it was with Adam. so fucking hard and still learning more and more everyday regarding that. but I cannot compare these.

I guess I am most scared because I read books like “The Alchemist” or “The Celestine Prophecy” that speak of omens and noticing on the subtle signs God gives you for this big huge journey everyone is on. maybe your next big move doesn’t have to be life changing and earth shattering, though? it’s a step in the direction you want to go. you will be given the ability to be taught how to serve others. and I do want to be of service. I want to be working intentionally and in my lane to be of service to others. my biggest fear is getting there and being overwhelmed with thoughts that it’s not the right path and that I made the wrong decision and chose to go against the omens. but thus far, the only omens I have received have been anxiety attacks and threatening thoughts “if you don’t choose this then you will choose wrong and the universe will not support you and you will lose out and not be as aligned or on your track or evolve as highly.” you are going to evolve in whatever way you need to evolve. be patient. we spend LIFETIMES evolving. it’s not a race. you have reincarnated into this human experience for a reason. don’t take things so personally! possessing this type A attitude about your trajectory and evolution is harmful. the spiritual practice shouldn’t leave you feeling anxious as hell--it should bring you peace and comfort. I think this is PTSD from Guatemala. my time in Guatemala didn’t totally resonate with me, which I feel is important to note. I feel not choosing this program would be choosing fear, not love. sometimes I just get overwhelmed that I've seen and experienced a world and reality bigger than this one and that I no longer need to operate in it. but you were reincarnated here for a reason. you chose this human experience for a reason, and this time, and your family, and your environment, and your school for a reason. LIFE SHOULD BE FUN! THIS EXPERIENCE SHOULD BE FUN! IT’S OKAY TO HAVE FUN! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS SO SERIOUSLY IT IS NOT A RACE AND IF YOU FUCK UP IT’S NOT THE END AND THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU MADE THINGS HARDER OR GET BLACKBALLED OR MOVE FIVE STEPS BACK YOU ARE ALWAYS EVOLVING TO YOUR HIGHEST GOOD negative emotion is not equivalent to evolution. pain is not equivalent to evolution. usually pain is a sign that you are making things harder for yourself than you should by unnecessary means. just go with the flow! I am open to all the magic and love in the Universe :) do it for your mental health!

when I try and envision my life and where I want to go, it overwhelms and scares me a bit. I think being home and depressed, I felt more lost than ever. I have my worries and doubts. I also need to remind myself that every thought and action you take the universe will conspire to work with you. I think that’s why I could be confused right now--because I have created this entire control drama surrounding this trajectory that I am assuming the universe wants me to take and am picturing this future which I don’t want which is fear-based. what is based on love? come back to love. love is the language of god, god speaks in stillness. not through anxiety. god doesn’t speak through fear, god speaks through love. you are not god and thus you do not know all the answers. but you can choose to plant seeds of magic and learn.

I also feel I have been taking all this spirituality stuff too seriously and am not having fun enough. there is a lightfulness in my body that is not always cultivated in my mind. I notice the second I am at peace, my mind is trying to find something else to attach to. “you don’t want to make a crazy life decision rn? you don’t want to run away to a foreign country? you don’t want to freak out and consider not heading to the WEST COAST and going into your DREAM PROGRAM rn and think that maybe your intuition is leading you somewhere else?” I literally type that and laugh. God is guiding me. it feels good...you don’t have to second guess it. everything will work out towards your highest good. a fear of mind is that me not being so serious about all these things will lead me to fail. you’re not going to fail. your life is a wide, open canvas. you are the artist. you have free will. NONE of us know all the answers. that is why we are here. no human knows more than another. me choosing to believe that monks are more highly evolved on a soul level and that this whole thing could be pass or fail is NOT BENEFICIAL AT ALL. it puts me in a shit place and makes me want to race and try so hard to pass the spirituality test. accept that god has his own plans for you. don’t compare your journey to others. you have certain gifts and inclinations for a reason. if something gives you serious fucking anxiety, it’s not in the cards for you right now. all you have is this present moment. maybe it is in the cards for you in the future, but this could mean another lifetime as well or maybe a past lifetime. CHOOSE LOVE.

I just do not see this not going to school as a high priority item rn

Going back to notes from Keith’s ceremony:

- you can’t have any doubt. NO DOUBT.

- Honor where you are in your journey. You can’t fuck up this life. It’s no big deal. Don’t take it so serious. You will come back and do all u need to.

- You are a healing wizard and because you are here that means the universe thought it was absolutely 100% NECESSARY you are here to do work!!

- Belief and mindset and 100% trust is 100% NECESSARY

- Trust that you know EVERYTHING. Trust that what you don’t know you aren’t supposed to know. And that’s okay and meant to be.

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omgamganapatayeom · 6 years ago

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7.8.2019

ohhhh JESUS

WOW

read back through these posts and HOLY FUCK. tremendous love. tremendous magic. I truly planted seeds for tremendous magic. and will continue to do so.

what a year. looking back on these posts, I realize manifestation and magic are so fucking real! and that as I reflect on 2018--which was a HUGEEEE year of growth + transformation + LOVE + magic for me--I realize not all moments were perfect. and not all moments felt comfortable. and not all moments felt good and alive and vibrant. but I stayed true to feeling tapped in.

and I tap into that now.

the past year has been momentous and beautiful and challenging. I have ran into challenges I couldn’t have predicted. I am at a crossroads currently...or so it seems. moving to Portland soon to begin a new journey (!!). I can’t begin to explain how excited I am to immerse myself in a community driven by the same interests and values that I hold. been a minute.

my time in Guatemala was life-changing and I believe necessary to my trajectory. my previous six months in Nashville were a bit rough for me. I lost myself. I lost my feeling of aliveness. I traded in my basic necessities and self-care and my life for what I believed I needed to provide for someone else. slowly now I heal. slowly, day by day, I take back my life. the most difficult part of this is continuing to love that human. and questioning a call to spending time alone. questioning whether to release love or let it grow.

let’s get real AF ladies and gents: my ego is SCARED AS FUCK.

and it’s hard AF to release fear. or so the ego would like to think so.

I have been trying to practice being more present to do so. and taking things day by day. and also examining what I want life to look like. I am prioritizing my well-being now more than anything -- daily sweating, movement, meditation, time outside, speaking words of LOVE + COMPASSION to myself, journaling, being present, breath, love, time off social media, being observant of my thoughts, tuning into my body. keeping things simple. if I am choosing three words for this new season of life, they are:

1. intention

2. presence

3. magic

** simplicity = honorable mention

manifesting now:

more me time

MAGIC

lightness. choosing lightness in my movements, mental state, emotions, love, the road of least resistance, my interactions, my food choices.

more kirtans. BHAKTI YOGA X12. ecstatic dance. more direct involvement with these ceremonies.

plant medicine ceremonies + experiences.

peyote. mushrooms. psychedelics. kava, cacao...mind-expanding and transforming stuff.

meditation.

friendships/relationships w humans that INSPIRE, UPLIFT, CHALLENGE, and ask more of myself and challenge me to become a greater, better human and expand my capacity to give to others, to offer light and love and be of service to the universe, to be with Being and witness Being in other living creatures, to expand my mind, to inspire and expect of me to show up as my authentic, true self, w my true essential nature as LOVE.

time in nature -- camping, hiking, time under the moon. connection w pachamama.

nourishing + putting SO much love into my body.

transformational foods and lifestyle

cacao. CACAO CACAO CACAO. experiences allowing me to explore the history of this plant and the history of ceremony. the history of cultivation.

delve back into yoga -- TEACH sister. you have so much to share with others and yourself. practice daily.

ceremony

and just a little post from the archives...on detachment:

in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it. you don’t give up the intention and you don’t give up the desire. you give up your attachment to the result.

attachment is based on fear and insecurity – and the need for security is based on not knowing the true Self. the source of wealth, of abundance, or of anything in the physical world is the Self; it is the consciousness that knows how to fulfill every need.

uncertainty is the fertile ground of pure creativity and freedom. uncertainty means stepping into the unknown in every moment of our existence. the unknown is the field of all possibilities, ever fresh and new, always open to the creation of new manifestations. without certainty and the unknown, life is just the stale repetition of outworn memories. you become the victim of your past, and your tormentor today is your self left over from yesterday.

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omgamganapatayeom · 7 years ago

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6.18

checking in here for a second because i need to release all da emotionz

right now i am experiencing shame. embarrassment. rejection. feelings that i am not good enough.

adam and i had a really fucking good weekend. i really, really like him. a lot. we talked about this. he agreed. and complimented me like 3940238402938420 different times.

i haven’t heard from him since i left. granted, it’s been 24 hours. he told me to text him when i got back. i didn’t. i remember on the drive back thinking to myself “he would be stupid not to text me after the time we just had.”

what makes me most upset about this moment is the fact that i’m letting this affect me this much

i am grateful for the fact that i had such a good weekend

i think what makes me the most upset is that i am trying to allow myself to be vulnerable with him esp concerning the fact that i’ve never had sex before

i just feel like i want to do it with someone that i’ll see again, u know

i didn’t bring it up and felt like i wasn’t owning my shit and being the most full bomb-ass version of myself because i was letting a limiting belief/fear/insecurity affect me

i realize that the subject of the limiting belief/fear/insecurity will most likely stay there. i can either alter my behavior and let this change my behavior and let it govern my actions or i can say fuck it and live my life the way i should

i know the universe totally supports every thought and action that i choose to think. so in this moment, i am choosing to think:

- i am a fucking dime piece. i would date myself. i love myself. all men find me attractive as fuck. i am sexy as fuck and the cutest most badass funny kind adventurous spontaneous generous soul.

- i desire intimacy and am open to intimacy. i am open to sex. i desire sex. i desire a love.

- i am open to love.

- everything i need and desire is en route.

- i am 100% capable of sex.

- i am 100% capable of love. and am deserving.

- in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it. you don’t give up the intention and you don’t give up the desire. you give up your attachment to the result.

attachment is based on fear and insecurity -- and the need for security is based on not knowing the true Self. the source of wealth, of abundance, or of anything in the physical world is the Self; it is the consciousness that knows how to fulfill every need.

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omgamganapatayeom · 7 years ago

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2.2.2018

stopping what i’m doing right now to confront this limiting belief.

gab just texted in our groupme that she was going on a date with a 30 year old at her local co op. this made me jealous. jealous in that a) what am i doing not doing these things!!!! b) the limiting belief that i cannot have that and that i am not worthy of a relationship and finding someone with shared interests.

let’s get this off the table: i’m terrified of getting involved with men right now. i’m scared of the vulnerability of it, because i’m not comfortable with myself, with my body, and with intimacy right now. i want to break through those things in the next few months. i don’t feel 100% in my body so that’s one of the reasons i’m scared shitless to be with anyone because i feel like intimacy is expected of me and therefore i need to be naked within the first second of being anything more than friends with someone. i put all of this pressure on myself about this issue, even though i know this is completely constructed out of my ego. the fact that i haven’t had sex is also a huuuuuuge insecurity, because in my subconscious i have this belief that i cannot have sex.

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omgamganapatayeom · 7 years ago

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on detachment.

“The search for security is an illusion. In ancient wisdom traditions, the solution to this whole dilemma lies in the wisdom of insecurity, or the wisdom of uncertainty. This means that the search for security and certainty is actually an attachment to the known. And what’s the known? The known is our past. The known is nothing other than the prison of past conditioning. There’s no evolution in that -- absolutely none at all. And when there is no evolution there is stagnation, entropy, disorder, and decay.

Uncertainty, on the other hand, is the fertile ground of pure creativity and freedom. Uncertainty means stepping into the unknown in every moment of our existence. The unknown is the field of all possibilities, ever fresh, ever new, always open to the creation of new manifestations. Without uncertainty and the unknown, life is just the stale repetition of outworn memories. You become the victim of the past, and your tormentor today is your self left over from yesterday

Relinquish your attachment to the known, step into the unknown, and you will step into the field of all possibilities. In your willingness to step into the unknown, you will have the wisdom of uncertainty factored in. This means that in every moment of your life, you will have excitement, adventure, mystery. You will experience the fun of life -- the magic, the celebration, the exhilaration, the exultation of your own spirit.”

The Law of Detachment / The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Deepak Chopra

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omgamganapatayeom · 7 years ago

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1.18.2018

today is going to be a good day.

i emotionally overate this morning. it was all a blur. i was nervous about the day and stressed about my schedule and getting things together. i felt guilty for eating late last night and reaching 2000 calories (?!). i plan to put detoxifying greens in my body for the rest of the day and drink lots of ginger tea at work to combat the pain.

tapping has really helped me lately and i plan to try and do that a few times a week. i think right now it could be a good idea for me to do a pros and cons list to binge eating:

PROS:

allows me to cope in the moment

numbs the pain

CONS:

guilt

isolates myself from others

limits me from feeling fulfilled and happy and the best version of myself

$$$$

puts me one step further from dealing with the actual situation at hand

doesn’t allow me to be the best version of myself and live everyday to the fullest and do what i want to do and be happy ellie :(

does not bring out the best in me.

i’m working on clearing out my subconscious so i can live 2018 like it’s my last year. all i can do right now in the moment is live in the present. nothing ever productive or good comes from guilt or shame. focusing on guilt and shame leaves you in the past. i am in the present, and this moment is the only moment that i currently have. i choose to accept this moment.

“The Universe totally supports us in every thought we choose to think and believe.” -- Louise Hay

tonight i’m going to yoga and going to sit in the sauna and rock the fuck out of this day. let’s do this ish. i am fabulous and i am choosing to accept and live out this present moment like there is no other.

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omgamganapatayeom · 7 years ago

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1.15.2018

quick post.

today i practiced eft and holy fucking shit...and shift. so powerful. i’m in love and want to practice everyday. incredible session.

i had processed sugar this afternoon (small amounts) but i am feeling it. i am so sensitive. i’m very sensitive to sugar and its effects on my energetic system and physical and emotional well-being. notes have been taken. absolutely no guilt here...just pain because this hurts.

i’m channeling amanda chantal bacon right now for life inspiration. priestess, queen, she’s untouchable.

i’m going to go to yoga tonight (no questions) and literally eat celery and lemon water for dinner. i’m hurting. (stomach hurts lots)

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omgamganapatayeom · 7 years ago

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on change.

Learn to get down with change, to embrace it and welcome it in, even do a victory dance when you see it crossing your threshold, because it will be your salvation. When you see things changing, you know your life is improving. It means that the universe has perked its ears and is listening and whispering back, and that all the things you’ve been waiting for are coming to you.

It can take time to get comfortable with the concept of change, but it’s worth seeing into. Breathe into it like a good, deep yoga pose. The real truth of it is that life is changing all the time, and it doesn’t really care what your thoughts are on the matter. You can love it or you can hate it, and life will change all the same. If you can get cozy with the concept of change, however, life moves much more smoothly, things will unfold with grace, and you can accept the new parts of your life with a smile.

Whatever you resist persists, and whatever you’re thinking about will come about.

Radical Self-Love, Gala Darling

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omgamganapatayeom · 7 years ago

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1.14.2018

learning to ask for what we want...HELLO UNIVERSE

love. i want deep true love. intimate and adventurous and someone who is ambitious and wants to continuously challenge themselves and get themselves out of their comfort zone. someone who loves travel. someone who likes trying new things. someone who is optimistic and grateful and has a bomb ass sense of humor. someone who makes me want to be a better person. someone who is magnetic. someone who is thoughtful and giving and honest and open and a good, good person.

travel. experiences. i want to get outside my comfort zone and for it to strip me raw. i want to get outside of my skin and live a life i know i didn’t settle for. i want to see new places and try different foods and hike different mountains and meet new humans and breathe fresh air.

healing. heal me from my shame, my insecurities, my guilt, my fear, “perfectionism.”

friendship. surround me with those that can a) teach me things b) are magnetic and inspire me to be a better human c) those that expose me to new ideas and ways of life and are positive, uplifting, and motivating d) good, good, inspiring humans.

gratitude and inspiration.

MAGIC

abundance. abundance of friendships and love and moneys and healthy foods and good vibes and good humans and fucking good energy.

confidence. to own what i am doing and my actions and my life and my body.

a body i am proud to live in. i already have that. but i aspire to lean up and nourish my body when it truly needs nourishment (with quality nourishment) and move and sweat on the daily

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omgamganapatayeom · 7 years ago

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“Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love. When you seek power and control over other people, you waste energy...When your actions are motivated by love, your energy multiplies and accumulates — and the surplus energy you gather and enjoy can be channeled to create anything you want, including unlimited wealth. You can think of your physical body as a device for controlling energy: it can generate, store, and expend energy. If you know how to generate, store, and expend energy in an efficient way, then you can create any amount of wealth. Attention to the ego consumes the greatest amount of energy. When your internal reference point is the ego, when you seek power and control over other people or seek approval from others, you spend energy in a wasteful way.” The Seven Laws of Spiritual Success , Deepak Chopra

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omgamganapatayeom · 7 years ago

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1.13.18

i feel like i have been really confused lately about things and i think it has been because i haven’t been honest with myself about what i want. i keep making the excuse that life will fall into place after graduation, after i lose 15 pounds, etc. i’m currently reading radical self-love by gala darling and she talks about how when manifesting, it is in one’s best interest to “act ‘as if’”...aka, fake it till you make it. act like you already have the things that you want.

SO. with that said...if i was 15 lb smaller I always envision that i would be more confident and flirtatious and wear what i want to wear and be proud of the body that i was in. i would be open to love and the idea of falling in love again. the same thing with being tanner. i would swim. i wouldn’t be afraid of other people seeing my body.

holy shit breakthrough

i am not confident with my body

i do not mean this sarcastically at all

i feel like the bulk of my insecurities rattles down to the fact that i’m not the image of perfection i envision in my head for my “goal” body. i think it is perfectly okay to want to lose weight and better my eating habits, but it’s doing myself a disservice if i’m playing small because my body is not a few inches smaller around the waist.

i’ve been seeing a lot lately about the idea of imperfection and being a perfectionist...i used to be so, so proud to be a perfectionist. it was a trait that i would have gladly characterized myself by when i was younger. my family and friends would talk of me being a perfectionist and i equated it to having a strong work ethic and being determined and persevering. but now, typing this out...that shit doesn’t line up. ambition, determination, perseverance, work ethic...those do not equal perfection. perfection = fear. fear of failure. perfection is unattainable, yet so many of us hold ourselves to these unattainable standards. what happens when we don’t meet the standards? i, for one, feel an immense amount of guilt. shame. the emotions of guilt and shame are of extremely low vibration and harbor so much toxic energy. this is not doing myself or others a service. i am not showing up as my best self and am therefore doing a disservice not only to me but others when i am holding myself to the standards of perfect. striving for perfection is an action that is fear-based. my intention is to switch this mindset to one from a place of love: to do the best i can do.

on terms of my body, i think it is very important for me to move my body and exercise consistently to build confidence. i think i am going to get a membership at ageless because i know it will do wonders for my mental and physical health.

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