olivialuvmeh

[olivialuvmeh]

life or death

things are rough for me right now. things have been rough off and on for way too long. i’m a boat out on an ocean full of waves. up, down, up, down.... what else is new right? everyone feels this, no doubt. but i don’t know how to change it. i’m a woman of faith and i want to put things in God’s hands and ask him to lead me ... i keep coming back to the same answer... does that mean i should do what i think he is telling me?? i feel lost, purposeless, failing. my three boys went to visit family for the summer and i can’t help but think they are better off with them than me. i struggle even though i work hard. i struggle even though i have no drug or alcohol problems. i struggle and all i ever wanted was a life with my children where we can actually pay bills and be happy. my oldest son doesn’t want to come home. he thinks staying with his dad is possibly better for him. i get no child support.. i haven’t in many years, and none at all from my other sons’ father. im a single income barely able to keep my head above water to support these awesome children. i ask God for guidance. i ask God to help me find a way...... all i hear in my head is “die”. i have been fighting this for YEARS and i am medicated for it, and i pray for it to stop, but it doesn’t.  “if you want things to go well for your kids and your family you need to just kill yourself and they will be better” ... i want to hold on to the idea that God has more in store for me than that. ... but what if THAT is what he has in store for me? like a tragic movie or things you see on the news. “she was a wonderful person. she fed the homeless and had SO much love to give... how did we not see this coming???” .. i don’t want to be a headline, or a story, or a tragedy. but i also don’t want my kids to become tragedies, headlines or stories because of the life i just struggle to get away from but can’t. i live around drugs, shootings, rude racist children who i don’t want influencing my boys. im staying with family now so its not like that now... but it was, and i need to get on my own soon and im terrified it will be the same atmosphere even if its not the same area just because that’s the income i have. i’m afraid to live!!! because it’s killing me :(

[olivialuvmeh]

my teenager right now....

[olivialuvmeh]

fist pump gone wrong

[olivialuvmeh]

i’m on a cute puppy fix...its either that or i want a baby....

I CANT HANDLE THIS ITS TOO CUTE

[olivialuvmeh]

I WANT THIS BABY!!!!!

[olivialuvmeh]

I want to be back to my roots.

(via WooHome)

[olivialuvmeh]

fitness-bodybuilding.tumblr.com

[olivialuvmeh]

i totally wish i was where i used to be...time to get back to it!!!

[olivialuvmeh]

[olivialuvmeh]

i love this!!!!!

[olivialuvmeh]

God knows that people are like glow sticks. They need to be broken and shaken in order to glow at their full potential - pastor Nate Wagner

I went to my church’s Lost And Found winter camp at Mount Herman this weekend, so if y’all noticed I was gone that’s why (via madgirlinhermindpalace)

[olivialuvmeh]

WHOA!!!

LONG TIME NO SEE!!!!!!!

[olivialuvmeh]

i ..just...yeah...lol!!!!! men <3

[olivialuvmeh]

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, cats are weird… (a collection of my favourite cat gif’s)

[olivialuvmeh]

i was engaged once...just weeks ago...and now i am no longer even part of anything.  le sigh

[olivialuvmeh]

kinda nice to be back...again...what i miss???..oh yeah! YOU! ;)

[olivialuvmeh]

perfection!!!!!!!