ohsnapitzivieee-blog

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let's take things slow i don't want this to blow maybe our mistake was we hastened our pace competing for a place but let's take things slow allow ourselves to get lost in the moment to go with the flow and if this fails we know we know we did our best not make it blow — excerpt from the book i'll never write // slow the process

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two persons cross each other's paths one with a stone cold heart one with a barely beating heart two persons collided one with an old soul one with a wild soul two persons keeping stars in their eyes and then suddenly they were a galaxy beautiful breath-taking but dark secretive uncertain and parts still unknown two persons eventually broke apart one decided it was too toxic suffocating one decided it was not enough more two persons set sail apart took the air took the land one found the way home one lost the way home home was herself home was her — excerpts from the book i'll never write // the home you wrecked

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I am over writing sad poetries and sad excerpts. I am over defending people who turned out to be the people they promised not to be, i will place them still deep down though. Not as much as important as before. I am over doubting what i am made of, holding back would be my last resort. I am over shielding myself from potential danger, i would let love take over my system when it feel like it. I am over with the what ifs, i will now take the path that i dreaded taking. Dance with the fire, with my fear, i will take risks. I am over. This will not be the same words that will be eventually forgotten and removed meaning unto. I am over, and i waited this long. Finally, I've woken up. — excerpts from the book i'll never write // the words i used to dreamed of saying

[ohsnapitzivieee-blog]

1. And after all those years, just like that, the communication was back. I cutted you, avoided your gaze, and slapped your hand away when you were trying reaching mine. I have to. It was to protect my young and naive heart. I thought i was protecting myself, building my walls up high—only ending up imprisoning myself.

2. We were young, and i could barely remember. I thought i saved myself, but i didn’t. Life has it’s way of eventually fucking you up. Several times, it occurred to my head that i wanted to undo my decisions again but hey— i knew i can’t. I thought acceptance is all you can have and that you shouldn’t leave some spaces for regrets. It will eventually be sunny. And I wouldn’t have the courage to face you if life hasn’t shown me it’s darkest sides.

3. Questions are stirring inside my head. What if’s have become my sworn enemy. I thought meeting you was risky— but now, maybe it’s God’s way of granting us another chance. Maybe this time, when you give me the world, i wouldn’t find it a foreign concept and i wouldn’t now ever, run away from you again.

4. I do not know where this will lead. I used to think that we belong in different paths. I wasn’t the same freshmen girl you used to know, and you weren’t that same sophomore who used to say hi or smile at me on corridors. We weren’t the same person anymore and that’s what makes it worth a try this time. This time, we’re back to zero. This time, we’ll take our time. This time, i wouldn’t have to say “nice to meet you” because you would stay. and i won’t push you away.

— excerpts of the book i’ll ever write // i am that girl

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Important reminder

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She wrote too much about love but still couldn't get a grasp on what love really is. helpless and scared of his love because she knows forever wont grant them a chance. So he told her, “then, we'll be for lifetime.” And holds her hand lightly. all her senses were triggered and little did he know the moment that he told her those words, she started believing again that it existed. forever existed again the moment he told her that they'll be for lifetime.

[ohsnapitzivieee-blog]

Let me tell you something about young love and heart breaks,

they ask me, the same questions over and over. that “what is it like having a broken heart?” and “how do you get over it?”

i guess deep inside, every people who ask me this question are yearning for the same answer as much a i do. i guess deep within, we share the same shattered heart.

I tell them, without a skip of a beat, that it was the worst possible hurricane that would pass through your life. I tell them, without a skip of a beat, that if your lungs knew how to breathe they would suddenly forgot what they are meant for. I tell them, without a skip of a beat, that it is heaven and hell, that it is right and wrong, that it is up and down.

I never did glorify heartbreaks and young love within their eyes, sure, they would make you want to spit poetry effortlessly, thinking it was a blessing despite. but the pain within is immeasurable that you would wish you’d never get to stumble upon another heart break again, that having these words in your mouth is an unending curse.

For the girls who ever wondered how it is much like when you fall in love at a young age, it isn’t always cute good morning texts, flowers on a special day, smiles put up on each others face, and beautiful words with your picture on it on every social media he owns. It is not. It is sometimes silent cries in the shower with a hue of yellow violet green painted on your body, it is sometimes in a form of self-doubt. It is sometimes torture, torture, and yet you’re willing to endure ‘till the end.

Darling, what you see nor read in your social media, isn’t really how it works. I do not encourage you to text back that boy you think who “knows” your worth. Wait, till the pace of your own clock says it is the right time to love.

Because your heart will not only shatter once, it will be shattered twice, thrice, and till how many it should be in order for you to realize that you should not force love, affection and attention.

[ohsnapitzivieee-blog]

pahingi naman ng inspirasyon, yung tipong hindi ko lang ikukulong sa pawa kong imahinasyon.

[ohsnapitzivieee-blog]

An open letter story to a Marine assigned in Marawi • 30 May 2017 - 1:21 AM Up until this moment, i still cannot fathom why it has to be me. Why life, in general, always picks me as the second. The option. The backup plan. You were a Sophomore, i was a freshmen. You were one of my cousin's best buddy. I repel people with my intimidating face. But in reality, it was the opposite. I am the kind of girl who would love to take anyone as a friend. And you, you are sunshine, someone whom everyone gets along with. Looks are deceiving, looks are blessing, looks are curse. And you told my cousin, which he later on relayed to me, that you adored my personality. “Perhaps it's because she emits a natural elite class aura. She looked and moved like a real Maria Clara stuck in the Millennial era. With every glance and pace, i'm sure. Her face isn't sculpted to define the word mean. She looked out of reach. She is pure. That's why you get intimidated, you're tainted.” My routine includes going home only with my cousin as a company, i look for him and you were always by his side. I heard your voice once. A tune in my ear that i could never put into words. It must be an honor to be defended by you. Whomever that woman is, i envy her. You sounded like you really adore her. Much more adoration than what you have for me. Your brown eyes told me so. When social media were still unpopular during those days, we exchanged messages through sms. You got my number, bravely, after a thorough interview, from my cousin. I used to smile like a mad woman every night when i see your name pop out unto my old keypad phone. Asking me how my day was, and eventually when the clock strikes late enough, you end up telling me the deepest, darkest, and most treacherous feelings of yours. I must rejoice, for your true colors has been revealed only to me. But no, it pains me how your deepest feelings contained a woman of perfection— as you have described her. No, There is no such thing! You smile at me on campus. I smile back. We weren't strangers. I should just be glad that i'd get to stay in your life. You say hi. I try my best to say hello. You tried talking to me longer in person, but fate didn't allow. Every time you inch forward, we get teased by the people around. As much as i hate attention, you hated it too. A year passed, we were staying strong. You told me i had a special place in your heart. Alas, you now have a girlfriend, Me. I wish. It wasn't me. It was her— the perfect girl you always daydreamed about. I grew stone cold. I felt tricked, played upon. Or maybe it was just me, who assumed i was your soul's meant to be. Till the day you put me second, my life became a series of Second's. Thrice's too. My Father had someone First, we were the Second. The guy whom i gave my everything into had been lured into temptation, ruining our relationship with a Third. I should have flew away from life's miserable fate like a wounded bird. I forgot about you throughout the years, i try not to. But i have to. I have to erase you. I have to study and reach my goal. It was the year in which i finally get to graduate. A letter arrived. Delivered by the mailman on the 27th of May, 2017. It was colored with cream, a letter-sized envelope with a red-seal. It was the epitome of elegancy. Elegancy. You. Your girl. Your perfect girl. My heart ached a little. To my surprise, it was your handwriting. The perfect calligraphy writing which i have always loved besides your messy raven black hair. “My love, No. I'm sorry, i don't have the right to claim you My love when I have burdened you with self-doubt and sudden disloyalty. But my love, hear me. Hear me, this first may be last. I have been sent into the warzone, life and death will be uncertain. Asked to write a letter of our final words, incase. Final words. Your name was the only thing that has been on my head, and even from the last, you will be. Till my breath will be taken, till i lie on my death bed. I'm a mere Sophomore when i met you. I wanted to give you everything, but only with my own. Mi amor, you speak the kindest words, tell my sister to stop being upset, her brother did his best. Tell my brother to fight, but not in the field that i have fallen, tell him this all your might. Tell my father his son has become the bravest, now worthy of the family's crest. Tell my mother to stop crying, his son died trying. And to the girl whom i dreamt to spend my granted life with. Tell her. Tell her to forgive me, for trying to be the right one for her. Tell her that she is you. You are my perfect girl. You were never the second, You were the first.”

[ohsnapitzivieee-blog]

kinapos yata ako sa karapatan na maka-miss ng isang tao na minsang dumaplis sa buhay ko. kinapos yata ako kaya't sobra akong inaasar ng tadhana ng ganito.

[ohsnapitzivieee-blog]

She wakes up everyday hoping that she could cross another soul who would make the pain feel less. She wakes up everyday wondering why does it takes too long to mend a broken heart, wondering how much does she have to endure the emptiness in her chest. She wakes up everyday a little more heartless, thinking that if she won't wear her heart on her sleeve anymore, she wouldn't have to worry on getting attached to people who comes and go. She wakes up everyday feeling neglected and worthless just because she wasn't enough for the boy she has offered her heart to. He shattered it into pieces even when it was sealed with the word "fragile". She wakes up everyday enduring the pain, trying to be contented, trying to live in the world who turned out black and white after the heart break. She doesn't wake up anymore, it all felt like an endless nightmare. As if she was trap in an endless abyss.

[ohsnapitzivieee-blog]

the puppeteer and the puppet But i don't want you. I don't want you in my head, in every thing that i do, i think of you, consider of you, while you don't do the same for me yet again. So how dare you, i don't want you. I don't want you in my heart, Although you let flowers grow in my lungs i can't, i can't fucking breathe. You made my head spin, and my heart ache. You made my eyes bloodshot, and my voice crack. You have taught me how sometimes right could be wrong and up could be down, But i don't want you, I don't want you residing in my whole being, you were controlling me and i am giving in helplessly. Then you drop me when you can after playtime was over, as if i was just a toy in your playground. Like neglecting your once favorite toy just because it became outdated, No, i am not a doll you could keep in your cabinet, A trophy you can show to your friends. I know, play time isn't over yet. I will know when it is. And when that time comes, i'll be the one who gets the privilege to say, “But i don't want you anymore”

[ohsnapitzivieee-blog]

Limang antas ng pagkalunod

Takot ako, naduduwag ako.

Oo, Kabilang ako sa populasyon ng mga taong hindi kayang ubusin ang lakas ng loob nila.

Yung tipong okay na, tanggap na kahit na naisasantabi na sila.

Yung tipong okay na, kahit na hindi sila mahal ng mahal nila basta, basta okay na yun keysa sa malaman nila.

Wala eh, Takot ako. Naduduwag ako. Masyadong malawak ang dagat na lulusungin ko, baka mawala lang ako.

Tagaktak ang init at hinawakan mo ang kamay ko, sabay sabing “kaya mo, andito lang ako sa tabi mo.” Lingid sa kaalaman ko na ang estrangherong ito na may matang kulay kayumanggi, ang babago ng buhay ko.

Pero hindi ko na sana inabot ang kamay mo.

Lumusong ako, grabe, ang lakas ng loob ko. Lumusong ako sa dagat na punumpuno ng pangambang baka tangayin ka bigla ng mga alon sa gitna,

Lumusong ako sa dagat hawak hawak ang kamay mo kaya ang lakas ng loob ko, kasi kasabay kong labanan ang kahinaan ko, kasama ang kalakasan kong nariyan lang, isang tawag sa tabi ko.

Ngunit lahat pala talaga ng tao, maari kang iwan sa huli, Sa kaso mo iniwan moko sa gitna eh.

Ang lalim pala ng tubig.

Parang hindi ko yata kakayanin.

Parang hindi ko yata kakayaning wala ka sa tabi ko, nanghihina yung loob ko.

Sige, iwan mo na ako.

Pero mahal, tapunan mo naman ako ng salbabida oh.

Palakas ng palakas ang hampas ng mga alon, gaya ng buhay kong nagmistulang patapon.

Nilamon ako, naging kaisa ko ang kadilima’t walang ilaw o ano. Nilamon ako, gaya ng hindi mawaring pagmamahal ko sayo. Huy, napakamakasarili mo. Ba’t mo naman ako iniwan sa gitna na parang wala? na parang hindi tayo nagpangako ng walang hanggan sa isa’t isa.

Nalunod ako, tangina sobrang naghihikahos ako. Nalunod ako, nalunod rin pala ako sa pagmamahal mo. Nalunod ako, nalunod ako sa mga pangako’t pagsusumamo mo. Nalunod ako, Nilunod mo ako. Oo tama, hindi ako nalunod, nilunod mo ako.

Pero, Kasabay ng mga malalakas na hampas ng alon at sa patuloy kong paglubog, Ang dating patapon na buhay ko na tila hindi na kailanman gagalaw pa'y biglang umusog. Binuksan ko ang aking mga mata kahit batid kong mahapdi. Binuksan ko ang mga mata ko, hindi pumayag sa nais mong pagsira ng buhay ko, natuto akong lumaban magisa sa bawat hampas, sa bawat pagpupumiglas.

Lumangoy ako, kaya ko pala. Kaya ko pala. Kaya ko palang harapin ang takot ko kahit wala ka sa tabi ko, Kaya ko pala, kaya ko palang mabuhay magisa ng di sinasambit ang matamis na pangalan mo. Kaya ko na pala, kaya ko na palang hindi kumapit sa pinako mong ako. ikaw. at tayo. Kaya ko na, bakit ko ba inisip na kailangan kita?

Mahal, kasabay ng pag ahon ko ang paglimot ko sa sakit na dinulot mo. kasabay ng pag ahon kong ito ang pagbaon rin sa mga ala-alang pinagsaluhan natin at ito, kasabay na rin ng pagbitaw ko sa mga kamay mong panandalian mong pinahiram. Mga yakap mong panandalian mong pinahiram.

Mahal, gising na ako. Hindi pala ako yung duwag, ikaw pala yung walang bayag. Hindi pala ako sapilitang lumusong, buo na ang pasya ko pero ikaw lang yung urong sulong. Hindi pala ako nalunod, matagal ko na palang alam lumangoy ikaw lang talaga yung inakala kong mabuting daghoy. At higit sa lahat, pasya ko na, pasya ko ng umahon na sa dagat kung saan moko winala, pasya ko na.

Pasya ko na ulit na sa muling paglusong ko, kalakip ang mga aral na natutunan ko sa'yo.

Sasaya na ulit ako.

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the sun seemed angry, as if meeting you after all was a mistake yet again. I saw you, my love. I met you even when fate doesn't allow. I defied what should not be defied, once again. I saw you, and you weren't as much as you were as before. My love, you seemed well. You didn't look as if your heart needed to be mended. I let you walk ahead because walking beside you will only give me nostalgia of our memory. We walked not too distant to a café. Our conversations are as empty as we were. I have observed that you were still the same old man that i left and once loved. It's tragic, how i cannot feel the spark anymore. You were better with words rather than in person. It's tragic, what if you were still waiting for me? Or what if you were fooling me again, and that your feelings weren't as genuine as hell? It's tragic, how i cannot believe anything anymore, if your feelings were indeed real then i'm sorry i didn't have a second to spare to give you enough sympathy because you've turn me cold. You melted me, and turned me ice cold once again. This time, have you really learned? This time, were you ready to admit things to me? This time, would you be contented? Because if This time would grant us another chance and that if your answer was yes without any hesitation, then i'm sorry. My answer wasn't the same. YET. No, i haven't learned enough yet, like loving myself and loving you likewise. No, i wasn't ready to admit things to you yet when you cannot be honest with me first. Confess all the sins that you have committed in our relationship and i promise i will, i will forgive you. No, i am not contented on what we are. I am a stranger to you, while you were my salvation and, it's unfair. It is. The moon grieved as the sun went down, she was cold as i am, as if meeting you didn't make any difference, it created another blizzard that hardened my chest. My confidant, My wonderwall, The answer to my why's, my past and my present, i love you. These were the words that i wanted to say. But so as i'm sorry. I'm sorry, i'm not ready to believe you yet.

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“An open letter, this is when you finally see your worth.” Now, i knew that i have been so unfair and that i have hurt you. doubting you was the worst. I searched for the love that i think i deserve from the form of another person. but now i knew, i knew it's a phase that all of us go through. and now, i cannot say that i have fully overcome this phase of uncertainty, but i knew, i will. One step at a time. Realizing how much i wronged you was the start. I have hated myself, and loved you more. I know you didn't want that, to try to be the best version of myself instead of embracing who i am and i have, i have fully attempted to be someone else over several months thinking i wasn't good enough every time just because i thought you did not understand even an ounce of my leaking emotions. Maybe it was the novel, or maybe it was your words and voice which pulled me back to reality that you loved me more than anyone else in this world. "Every girl needs a poet sometimes," and it was true, i needed him for awhile. i was happy to be his muse, drawn in his words i was. And just like any other heroine, i have finally fathomed what i wanted. and it's not the recognition and awe in people's eyes nor to be the muse of the man that i dearly loved. it is four four eyes, and two smiles. My poet may have abandoned me as his muse, but i know you wouldn't. And just like any other story, ours ended. however, it was only the beginning for me. the beginning of new perspective, and there will be no more, no more room for agony when i lost him, pain within the memories that we have shared, and tears that i will shed. there will only be bliss, contentment, and promises. promises that i will not imprison myself out of fear and failure. promises that i will, i will return the love that i have borrowed. To my parents, here's to you. i am sorry, i have seeked love in the arms of a stranger. i will never do it again. Love, Your teenage daughter who thinks she knows how the world works but she doesn't.

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To my former lover, yet again this is for you. I'm sorry. I have told you this one for a countless times that you forgot it's real essence but i'm taking my chances, for you to believe me again as these two words escape my lips. I've hurted you, but it was never intentional. The moment that i felt that the sparkle in your eyes have dulled in moments that i walk towards you, i knew that i have to let you go. The moment that your heart doesn't skip a beat for me anymore, is the sign that both of us were just another stop in the line. I am deeply wounded inside and is the opposite of what i appear and seem to be, i thought you've known me for a year that we have been together enough for you to figure out that i wasn't okay on our current stance, but silly me for thinking that you knew me enough. I was a mere stranger to you, and you were my salvation. you've hurt me, and it was difficult for me to get over and erase every living memory inside my head especially when every little thing that i see reminds me of you. I remember you in every pedestrian lane, you were always there to help me cross the street. I remember you in every cup of caffeine, the way you keep every memory of ours by washing that piece of plastic and keeping it sealed in your red jansport. I remember you more that you think of me. But my love, we've chosen different paths now. You chose to break me and i chose not to fix us anymore. It will stay that way until we are better for each other, or maybe we aren't meant for each other so why bother? I didnt want to be rude but with that all being said, let me be honest again. Do me a favor, for one last time. Please, do not talk to me anymore. It has been very insensitive of you to tell me you miss me, honestly. I know you're just bored or a thought reminded me of you, it wasn't genuine. You were the kind of person who doesn't let his words overcome his deeds. You chose this, i chose this too. And i am standing firm on what i have chosen, you should too. You were poison to me, i wasn't me when i am with you. I lost myself. I was lethal to you, you weren't yourself when you are with me. You lost yourself too. I cannot be your friend. You cannot be just friends with the person you once loved after all. Consider me as a stranger and i would gladly accept that. Because you have, you have become a stranger to me already. To my former lover, yet again, this is for you. Let's set a date where we're both contented on what life has to offer without the thought of "us". And then.. let's return everything that once has been given.

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I stared at a blank canvas, i wanted to draw a picture, but this abstracted mind prevents me from doing so. i let these deep emotions flow, but i’m afraid of the flood. until i have nothing else to write, until i have finally become speechless, until i ran out of words, until i finally become numb because only until then, i could finally take the leap, move forward, and create un-melancholic masterpieces once again. i grew anxious as i pick up the paintbrush, i grew uncertain on my next move, suddenly i was lost, like the way you left me when i was strongly holding on. But just like everyone else, i have to continue so i chose to dip the paintbrush into the watercolor, cautiously picking out the right color to start with. Should i pick red? Which may represent the strong feeling and rush of anger i felt when i saw you with someone else or should i pick blue? The feeling of bliss, and youth when i’m with you but perhaps black may do too, right? it was as the same as the color of the void that you have left me into without looking back and i grieved, i grieved for your loss. I snapped the paintbrush unconsciously. I hated you, that’s for sure. for making me doubt myself and everything in between, god, You’ve turned me into an angry poet. I sighed, telling myself that this won’t do me any good. And so i pick up another brush from the side, the way i picked it up was gentler this time, i was certain now what color i wanted to use and what picture should i paint in this blank canvas. i painted your brown your eyes that i once loved, that i was once drawn into. i painted your face, i’ve memorized and gazed upon it enough to remember after all these days and too bad, that i memorized every inch of it only to forget the moment i met the person that i will finally love. i didn’t want to be unfair to him, i didn’t want to let him live under your shadow so i gasp, throwing away the canvas before i could paint your black hair that you’ve always hated. i realized that you have become my home and i am no longer a poet nor a painter because now i’m homeless. you made me homeless. and how can a homeless paint a beautiful canvass that could inspire and touch hearts once again?