ohnarose

[ohnarose]

by alexbeckett_

[ohnarose]

what's really quite fun about returning to a social media platform that you let fade into the back of your memory is the realisation that the version of you that wrote these posts once existed. it's like a little time capsule of my inner most thoughts.

what's especially meaningful is that when i read back through these posts and remember where exactly i daydreamed about being, i get to see now that i am a lot closer to that dream than i thought i ever would be. two years later and i do, in fact, live by the sea, make my own clothing, and take nice photos with my nice camera. and while it is true that i still don't have the group of friends that i imagined, or hoped, that i might, i am a lot more okay with that now. i don't like to admit that i take pride in my independence, as i think deep down i only am so self reliant because my whole life i have had to be, but my understanding of the way that i command myself when in the company of others has certainly improved. that's a start, ig?

also, i never did fail that calculus test.

[ohnarose]

adelaide khaled

[ohnarose]

welcome back!

i really adore this app, it still to this day feels like my safe space to just rant without risk of the repercussions of being perceived. i don't know if i should apologise to myself for not coming back here sooner, as that feels a little self dismissive, but i forgot how much joy i once found on this "little corner of the internet" or whatever the tagline says.

i am going to try again at this whole reviving childhood enjoyment thing. i think that i deserve that much.

[ohnarose]

hello space to rant, mini update for y'all.

i haven't started writing again, which is really a bit of a shame.. however, completely on a whim, i auditioned for a play a couple of weeks ago with absolutely no acting experience, no confidence on stage, nothing that would set me up for a good shot at a role. and i got it. i am playing jocasta in my universities adaptation of the oedipus and antigone stories. i literally just auditioned because i thought it might be a bit of fun - at the very least it gave me a reason to get out of bed that morning, which was so much more than anything had done for the last (i don't know how many) weeks before that.

i love it so much. the people that i am acting alongside as well as the three in control of the production are all so lovely and nice. i don't know what it is about the environment but i have never been more comfortable around a group of strangers before in my whole life. its so liberating. i think because a lot of the stuff we are doing right now in the very early stages of production is basically just team building and learning to understand each other and the space we are in, but whatever it is my god am i obsessed with that feeling. i want to keep chasing it, it feels like the thing, the spark, i have been searching for. i am now excited to get out of bed on the two days a week we have rehearsal, and i think that's starting to bleed into some other aspects of my life. like, i don't feel as drained anymore when my best friend texts me, or i feel much more confident about my academic progress (even if still i am nowhere near where i want to be studying-wise, but that's okay).

i really feel like this might be the start of an upward spiral for me. i still don't feel good most days, i don't want to do anything regardless of how much pleasure it brings me and i end up drowning in my own self pity. but on the days i have the play, i have something to look forward to, and i genuinely believe that as this year progresses, i will find other things to look forward to too.

i am so fucking glad i auditioned for this dumb little play. past me would be so proud of me now, and i don't think i acknowledge that enough.

[ohnarose]

Could willingly waste my time in it.

[ohnarose]

okay so i think i worked it out. i don't feel anywhere near as comfortable on other social media apps as i do on tumblr because i know that none of my irl's are the type of people to be on this app. so, i can say whatever i want and act exactly as i want to, and i won't have to worry about maintaining the impression that people that already know (parts of) me are expecting me to portray. like, i can be my full normal self on here without having to worry about whether or not people will think i've changed too far from as they knew me.

it's freeing :)

[ohnarose]

by astrailor_jp

[ohnarose]

so i am a really spiritual person. i don't really talk about it much in my personal life, but i thoroughly believe that messages from the universe and other waffle like that are what can guide me through life. whether they are actually intentionally 'from' an entity beyond my understanding or they are coincidences that i choose to label as signs i don't know, but either way that is a lot of my source of motivation.

i only say this because in the literal day that i have been using this to track my 'getting better' progress, i have seen so so many of these signs. a channel i watch on youtube uploaded an 'important messages you need to hear' video just a couple hours ago which explained that i should not be so harsh on myself, and that i should take pride in my passions and hobbies and let myself see where they go with regards to my future. i said in my rant yesterday that i didn't feel as though i had many friends that i could be completely open and honest with, and that very same evening two different people reached out to me to check up on how i was doing, after not having spoken to either of them in months, maybe years.

i don't know what this all yet means but damn if i am not ready to find out. feeling incredibly grateful for all that i have this morning (even if i do still have a calculus test in two hours that i haven't revised for, that wasn't a joke).

[ohnarose]

mentally, i am living by myself beside the beach with a close knit group of like-minded friends who all support each other in whatever creative endeavour it is they have. i make the outfit, another holds the camera, and another edits the images for the girl who wants to be a model. i sing an original song at the top of my lungs on the sand while another plays guitar and the rest lovingly cheer us on while people walking across the pier stare and can't help but laugh along with us. i have that type of love for my friends that is an unspoken, unbreakable forever type of thing.

physically, i sit in my room daydreaming and ignoring the calculus test tomorrow morning that i am going to fail.

[ohnarose]

just a rant about something that's really personal to me.

i always wanted to be a singer. when i was a little kid (age three or four) i would always sing infront of my parents and my classmates and my teachers and they would all tell me that i could make something of this, i really could keep doing this forever if i wanted to.

i started writing music at about seven. obviously, none of these songs were exactly masterpieces, most of them were just about what i had had for dinner that morning, but i would think of what was on my mind and turn that into a tune, memorise the tune, and perform it to all of my friends. i would do this to the point where all the teachers would get annoyed at me. well, all bar one - mr williams was an absolute legend.

and then secondary school came around. i gave up the flute at grade four in my first month there because i couldn't handle balancing all of that shit at once anymore. all of the friends that i had made in primary school who i had made a promise to be by their side forever started making new friends, better friends, and i drifted off into my own world. i was good at school, thank god, otherwise i would have been given the dreaded 'wasted potential' label a few years earlier than what was true. however, i think in losing most, if not all, of my friends during peak exam period, my sixteen year old brain decided to put what i wanted on the back burner and focus on what i knew that i was good at - school. i mean, i could see that i was good at it reflected in my grades. that had to count for something, right?

so i stopped writing music, and eventually stopped singing all together. i put my head down and just did what was expected of me as the 'gifted' kid in class. come sixth form i was completely silent - the two friends that i did manage to maintain a relationship with throughout gcse's fell out with each other and both went to different schools, leaving me by myself surrounded by the very same people that i felt as though had left me years prior. i genuinely think i did not have a single conversation any more than 'did you do the homework?' for the entire two years that i did my a levels. that's not without trying, of course. i would message people saying they looked nice in their instagram stories and whatnot. and, what i honestly feel bad about most, people would reach out to me saying the same, but still i never managed to form any type of connection more than just that with anyone.

i thought it would be better if i moved. i could go to university and make new friends and reinvent myself and start doing the things i wanted to again. that lasted about a week. yes, i did make new friends (and even brought one of the two from back home with me), but i still wasn't going to sing again. it has been too long, and i am not as good as i used to be anyway.

and now this is where i find myself - stuck in a degree that i dont enjoy, surrounded by incredible, lovely, beautiful people but still unable to feel like i am truly close to them, and i haven't written a song since i was fourteen.

this is only on my mind because i posted my spotify on repeat page to my instagram stories and one of my new friends messaged me saying that i had good taste. i thanked her and we talked, i mentioned i used to write and she was amazed. somebody that she knew, wanted to be, or, better yet, could have been, a singer. i laughed and said i am afraid it may be a dead dream, but she told me that if ever i were to write a new song, she would be there front row watching me perform it. i didn't realise how much i needed to hear that.

so i want to write songs again, and i think i can. i am using this page as basically a diary to track my habits with it, because this has been a completely dormant dream for the last six years and i don't expect i'll be able to just whip a song out of my ass any time soon.

but yeah, that's all i wanted to say. i'll be very impressed if anyone ever reads this whole thing but if you do, hi?

[ohnarose]

so, after like five years i have decided to reinstall this god forsaken app. i actually feel really comfortable here because i know for a fact that none of my irl friends know me well enough to ever find this page, so i can just shout into the void with the intention of absolutely nobody ever being able to see it while still maintaining the illusion that someone, somewhere might care. someone might come across this completely randomly and go 'wow, what a relatable person' and message me and i can feel like i have people who are there for me again.

sorry, this is a bit deep, but i don't feel like myself in person so i thought maybe i could become myself again through this app that i always used to love? we'll see, i guess...