ohheyitsrikkij

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Loneliness Won't Kill You

Another night of wishing I could fall asleep in someone's arms

I'm not looking for a relationship because those only cause harm to anyone involved with me

I just want to love

Whatever that looks like I don't give a fuck

I cannot commit but I can be very loyal and try my very best to not attach any strings

Love me.

Love yourself

Help me love you

Help me love myself

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Observing Myself Observing Myself

I was laying bed

That moment just before you fall asleep

When I realized that I realized that I was watching myself fall asleep

While falling asleep

I realized with different eyes that I

I was observing myself

Observing myself

I could see me seeing me being tired

I could see could see me being me

So I sat up and wrote this down because the experience was slightly a little profound and mysterious

Call it disassociation

Call it anything at all

I'd made a word for this emotion but now I cannot recall

But my brain is feeling better lately

We're getting along and it's not tryna kill me anymore

I hope your day gets better

And thus I bid you all goodnight

Goodnight

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Autumn

Today I took a picture of a tree

I ponder its beauty

the crimson leaves in stark, beautiful contrast to the cold, green ground

[ohheyitsrikkij]

The Phones Are Listening

Who do I talk to when there's no one left to lie too?

My phone is always listening and knows me better than I do

All praise the algorithm

All praise the dopamine fix that poking tigers gives you

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Not My Type

You're the type to slink in shadows and poison them until they're dead

I'm the type to not waste time or see anyone suffer, so I'll promptly shoot them in the head

Or slit their throats or their wrists

But make it quick or quicker

Don't let your voice quiver or your hands waver when you give them what they're owed

For the things they broke

Fro the things they took before we ever got a chance to even know what they were taking

I don't understand why you're so passive when he's just passing you by

C'mon, be alive

Put a fist to his face and hold him accountable

I don't necessarily believe in violence, but sometimes education is a five letter word

He doesn't give a fuck about you

And I guess we're just two different people who deal with situations differently, but my god if I were you I would either be gone or he would be fucking putty in my hands.

One or the other, but this in between is bullshit.

I don't understand how you even let him look at you, nevermind touch you

It literally makes me want to vomit

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Listen to Me! Don't Listen!

You don't owe anyone shit

No one owes you shit

I deserve to be heard and understood

You deserve to be heard and understood

If I am someone that has caused you trauma, let's talk about it,

I'm trying to better; or if you want to cut me off, that's okay too

We are ALL EQUAL

WE ARE ALL EQUAL

No one's trauma trumps anothers

We are all sisters and brothers and siblings and theys

We're all fucked up

We're all gonna hurt each other

To be human is to be abused

To exist is to be abused

I don't believe in transactions

Money isn't even actually real

I don't believe in calling the cops

I don't believe in voting for politicians

And I don't believe in the judeo-christian god

I believe in myself and I believe in all of you

I am god

You are god

We are god

Everything is god and we are all everything

And everything is us and us is everything

[ohheyitsrikkij]

More Musings of A Broken Mind

I've never been really fond of enclosed spaces

All of my safe places are wide open spaces

Or sometimes enclosed spaces

Or sometimes people

that aren't accessible anymore

All of my safe spaces are gone

This town is filled with ghosts

And sometimes filled with monsters

I ask them not to haunt me but yet they persist

Making a list of all the reasons they'll forever own me

Only I own me, and that's tenuous at best

But that's not who I am anymore

I'm not who I am anymore

Holy fuck who I am I?

I know who and what I want to be but some of those things will never be because like, trans, and capitalism, and trauma

I've never really been fond of being misunderstood.

I understand I have issues with communication

I understand emotional confusion and mental rumination

But I've been told for years that I have to sugarcoat the things I say to help other people digest them easier

But I'm beginning to think that your digestion issues aren't really my problem

I know I have issues with commuinication

I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to fix it.

But when I find the words to effectively communicate a sentence we just fought about

I guess I ought to just shut up instead instead of trying to make you see what I see; insteas of what you see

Even that's not and never what I am doing

None of us are perfect

As long as we're human

The fly you swatted away or the dog you hushed just now knows more and is way better at living on this planet than you.

Or me.

Or anyone.

Oh to be a cat.

Oh to be a spider.

Oh to be a blade of grass.

Oh to be a flower.

Oh; to be anything other than this

I fucking hate being a human.

[ohheyitsrikkij]

A Rose By Any Other Name

Another night of wishing I could fall asleep in someone's arms

I'm not looking for a relationship because those only cause harm to anyone involved with me

I just want to love

I just want to be loved

Whatever that looks like, I don't give a fuck

I cannot commit but I can be very loyal and try my very best to not attach any strings

Love me.

Love yourself

Help me love you

Help me love myself

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Giddyup

You can show a horse where water is

but you never force it to fucking drink

You can even throw the horse into the water source

It still won't matter if the horse won't drink

You can feed the horse and pet the horse and lead the horse to water

You can love the horse and care for the horse and even throw it in the river

But if the horse would rather drown than hydrate; there's nothing you can do about it.

Horses be horses doing horse shit

Holy shit I'm a terrible rancher.

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Go Fuck Yourselves

I reign my mind in like a herd of wild horses; I never quite to the hang of the lariat...

If I gather them and put them in a paddock and smother them with apples and carrots and sugar cubes

(The horses are figurative, I'm placating my demons; whispering at the voices in my head as they speak to me....

But my delusions are just me)

Then maybe they will sreech at me no longer

Every moment of every day

I want to make my existence cease to be a problem

But I'm a problem

And I won't belive you if you tell me that I'm not the thing you just literally said

But I'm a wreck and so are you

That's what makes us all

HUMAN

If I were able to lock myself inside of a space with food and weed and hydration and with the equipment I need to get out of my head all the shit that makes me crazy then maybe I could cope

Hold onto hope?

There is no fucking hope

All I know is alcohol is the cheapest, freest, most leftist way to make myself okay without going to jail

We've all come from a vagina

That's equality bro; look, I don't want to fight you or anyone

Except myself...because no one should throw their shit on anyone else

If it landed on you i'm sorry...

I was throwing a fit

If my shit landed on you im so very sorry

I've veen throwing a fucking fit

But at least you really, really, really, really really try

Not to shit in anyone's eye

And i'm sad that you won't recognize the inside of the egg you love so well

I'd rather die than shit in someone else's eye...or asshole or mouthful or delivered directly to the brain

Insane insane insane insane

I know I have to shit a lot

(because i'm human and so are the rsst of us)

I'm not trying to drag y'all down wu

with me

Just want everyone to see that we're all equal

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Tech Support

I am growing aggoraphobia

But not a fear of going out,

just a fear of interacting with the true nature of the world

Because I know it's all a game

I never gave consent to play

Am I insane or is my brain in tune with a different frequency than the rest of you?

Thoughts like these make me feel crazy....

Affirm that i'm crazy....

You're all fucking crazy too

Time isn't real and none of this matters but y'all are content to keep climbing ladders that will never end

I look around and it honestly offends me

Any system that is in place that doesn't work for the good of everyone under that system, is no system worth having

Have you tried unplugging it and plugging it back in?

[ohheyitsrikkij]

This Year Thus Far

I forgot to eat yesterday

I finally ate a hot pocket at ten after one in the morning

I want to do die every day I'm aware I'm awake

(I wish I wasn't awake)

All I do is cause confusion

There is no simple resolution for the darkness that I spread

The only head it lands upon is mine

Like Midas turning everything to gold

I'm the opposite

Literally everything I try to touch turns into shit

Everyone asks why I'm so sad all the goddamn time

Either that or they're asking why I'm angry

The best answer I can give from my own reckoning;

(and trust me, I do a lot of mental figuring)

Is cognitive dissonance blended with confirmation bias into some disgusting modern wheatgrass smoothie

Life isn't a movie

That's why they're called movies

Films are a safe place to fulfill all your fantasies

I'm going to put this next thought in parentheses

(I cannot do the things that my head thinks of; but give me thousands of dollars and a good team; and the right equipment, and heaspace and safe space and someplace)

It's easier to be an addict

But I don't want to be an addict

I am a slave to our own humanity

No where is safe as long as we are human

We are all at the mercy of our own cognitive functions

I refuse to placate or bow to or

kneel to or masturbate my ego

It's easy for me to tell myself that i'm better than the rest of you

But the honest truth is we all came from a womb (unless you came from a test tube; which you didn't)

The womb is the great equalizer is the point I was making

Anything that you think is right

Is only right for you; (unless it's wrong)

And what I think is right

Doesn't matter

Except to me

Except to you

The world was here long before we raped it

The world will never be what we want to make it

Sorry that's depressing

I'm mostly depressing and a waste of space

But i'm in this space

So you bet your ass I'm not gonna waste it

Fuck you, fuck me, fuck all of this but I love and I hate and I hate and I love it

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Untitled

When I was a boy I was an asshole

And now that I am me, i'm still sort of a cunt

But i'm not an asshole, I try to not be anymore

I didn't mean to leave my children fatherless

And no matter how much I want to die, I can't leave my Mom daughterless

Or my children more confused than i've already made them

Don't get me wrong,

I wouldn't take any of it back because I wouldn't be writing this right here, right now

Right here right now

Right now

We're all gonna be okay somehow I know it

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Matricide vs Patricide vs suicide

You'll never be good enough

YOU'LL NEVER BE FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH

You stupid, silly bitch

I just want to be loved

I just want you to love me

All of the obstacles I encounter trace back to you

I'm sorry I left

I'm sorry I lied

I've figured it out now

I was never a man

I'm sorry I left you alone

I'm sorry I wasn't a father

I'm sorry I'm not a mother

I am the human embodiment of purgatory

And trust me it's worse than hell

There isn't an existing language to describe how much I miss you

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Effesexual

At the end of the day I don't give a shit about sex

Imtimacy on the other hand I relly enjoy

There are so many less toxic ways to communicate love

There are so many other ways to show love to someone

To show that you care about someone

Intimiacy isn't really physical

Someone touching my dick and telling me I'm a pretty girl

At the end of the day doesnt mean a fucking thing

I'd rather anyone like my brain before they like my penis

Even though it's an excellent penis

I don't care

I'd rather someone hold me when I'm crazy then fuck me any day of the week

Sexual interactions are so superficial

And I would rather die than make people believe that that is what I want or that I even care about it

Yes women are gorgeous and I'm very much a lesbian

It's okay to be a sexual amphibian

My body is not me, but my brain is

My brain is not me, but my soul is

Holy trinity, there's a disconnect

Holy fucking shit

Fuck me, but not my body

Light the lantern, look into the cave if my brain and I hope THAT makes you horny

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Humanimpersinator

I know I'm loved

I would never have the audacity to question that

All I want is to be observed and desired

Ovserved and analyized

Observed and desired

I know I'm a freak

I know I'm fucked up

I know that my past doesn't define me

But when I landed in a foreign country without considering we didn't speak the same language is a terrible recipice for horrible flavoir and an overall bad customer experience

I would like my money back

Please give me my money back

Please give me money

It doesn't have to be paper bills because that isn't currency

It's policing yourself so no one else will have to

It's fullfiloing the roles you know you can and not hurting yourself because you can't what you cannot

What a beautiful, disgusting dichotomy

[ohheyitsrikkij]

Untitled

I wish I was a tricycle because then at least i'd have an excuse for being a 3rd wheel

Being a girl with a 3rd leg perpetuates imposter syndrome

And dysphoria and dysmorphia

Being a woman is hard

I've been thinking that I want to get laid or even to just be loved

But it's both of those things and also neither of them

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride

I'm too weird to fuction, too unequiped to navigate life

I juat want to exist and someone to rubb my butt and tell me I'm the most beautiful woman she's ever seen

But I also don't want her to lie.

Being a human is hard. Being a tranny is a different set of challenges.

Letting go of old programming, Sorting through the Knew.

Eating the meat, spitting out the bones, throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks.

Holy fuck the spaghetti's done

The spaghetti is never done.

That's the whole point you idiot