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blog XIII

sometimes i think i like being sad because then i can use it as an excuse. so i can sit here and say that i'm a bitch because i've been fucked over by everybody in my life. so i can tell you that i'm afraid of commitment because i saw my parent's marriage crumble ever since i was a little girl. so i can say that i stopped painting because i ran out of things to paint that didn't make me cry. so i can say that i stopped listening to and playing music because it made me think thoughts i didn't want to think. so i can say that i stopped writing because my life is pathetic and i see everything that i try to block out in everything that i write. but most of all, i like being sad so i can use it as an excuse for when i say that i became everything i promised my mother i would never become. and so i don't have to sit here and listen to the lectures about getting my life together. because i would rather handle the pitiful stares than the hateful ones or the strange looks. because i can sit in the back of class and put my head on the desk and not talk to anyone and everyone will leave me alone. because the teachers won't nag me and the doctors won't pry me and my friends will stop hanging out with the sad girl who never talks. so i can get out of any responsibility because i can say that i'm trying to get my life together. so i have an excuse to write what i do and paint what i do and say what i want to say without people sending me off to a mental hospital. and that is how truly sad my life, how truly pathetic i am as a person. this also makes me sad. april 27, 2017

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chapter 4: visiting our frens from across the globe. here is sleepers chapter four.

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blog XII

i want to tell you about someone. my best friend. she's amazing, so strong and beautiful and she cares about me so much that it blows my mind to try to understand that someone who doesn't have to love me, does. she's been through a lot lately and in the past, too. i want to protect her with everything inside of me but i know that she's strong enough to endure it even if i can't be there in time. she's beautiful, one of the most beautiful people i've ever seen and she doesn't even know it. she's the nicest and most kind hearted person ever, she's never intentionally mean about or to anyone. some people don't like her and i'm not sure why, she's the sweetest person i know. she tries to make me happy and she hates when i'm sad. i like when she's happy and i try to make her not sad. it's been two years since i've known her and become friends with her and i couldn't ask for a better best friend, sister, human being in my life. i don't know what i would do without her. i just needed anyone, someone to know how much she means to me and how grateful i am to have her in my life. april 20, 2017

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blog XI

rape: the crime of forcing another person to have sexual intercourse with the offender, against their will. rape. sexual harassment. taken by force, with force. rape. no means no and screams of terror are not screams of pleasure.

to the girl that was afraid to tell someone what happened to her because she thought no one would believe her, i believe you.

to the girl that walks around in the short skirts and thought that maybe she was asking for it, you weren’t.

to the girl that lost her trial to the star quarterback, i know that nothing will ever make this right. and what he did to you was not right and never will be.

to the girl that slept with more people than she could count and thought that somehow she deserved it, you didn’t. no one ever does.

to the girl that knew she said no, who knew she didn’t want to but no one really believes her, i know you said no. and i’m sorry he didn’t stop.

to the girl that is afraid to face the truth that the person she loved most took everything away from her, i want you to speak the truth and know that we are here for you.

no one ever asks for this. no one ever deserves this. and this will never be right for you to strip someone of everything that they are and kill them inside. this will never be okay for you to sit in court with your defending lawyer and claim that you didn’t hear her say no. this will never be okay that you will look at her and know that you are lying because deep down, you are afraid to face your actions and who that makes you. to rape someone is to strip them bare and weaken them and take everything away from them. and this will never, ever be okay because every day for the rest of her life she will be afraid. she will be afraid to walk outside her house. she will be afraid to sleep at night. she will be afraid to face the judging gaze of those who know what happened. she will be afraid to be left alone with her thoughts because all she can see on the backs of her eyelids is your hand over her mouth and your body on top of hers and the feeling of helplessness and defeat she got when she realized what was happening. and that will never be okay and no matter how many trials you win and how many files are shoved into the back of filing cabinets, i will always be here to point that finger at you and make you believe that it was never okay to do that to somebody. and so i pray that she will stop believing that because someone was so evil and sick to chose her and that because society is so disgusting, she has to think she deserved it and she chose this and she had it coming. because no human being deserves to be treated this way. it doesn’t matter what she was wearing or how much she had to drink or how many people she’s slept with, no means no.

society teaches us to place a girl based on her skirt length or her bed count or her flitting eyes. but we should only pay attention to what comes out of her mouth: the word no. if consent is in no way given and she is too drunk to say no, that does not mean yes and that is rape. rape is rape and it is wrong and it is sick and yes it happens. this is real and people are raped everyday and everyday, another person gets away with it.

to the people at parties, start paying attention to who leads who upstairs. start paying attention to who hands who drinks. and start paying attention to the girl who cried rape because she isn’t lying. this is real and it could be you.

to the victims of rape who learn to live with it everyday and even to the ones who didn’t know how to and are no longer with us, you did not deserve this. you were not asking for it. you did not have it coming. i’m sorry it had to be you and i’m sorry that it happens at all. i’m sorry that it was never the world that was evil, but the people. i’m sorry that they took everything away from you and most people didn’t believe you. but i believe you. and i know it will never be enough to make up for what happened, but i hope it’s something to help you through it.

because i have been there and i believe you and i will never stop fighting for you, for the truth, for what is right. i believe you.

april 10, 2017

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blog X

things they don’t teach you in school:

they don’t teach you how to love yourself, how to love somebody else, how to know if someone loves you so you don’t go your whole life thinking no one cares.

they don’t teach you how to be happy or how to beat depression or how to get up in the morning without wishing you were dead.

they don't teach you how to sleep every night because you can't even function the next morning when you wake up at six am to go to a place filled with people who really don't like you at all.

they don’t teach you how to pick up the pieces after someone leaves or how to stop them from leaving or figure out what went wrong.

they don’t teach you that you’re not a waste of a time and you are worth it and you deserve the world.

they don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s mother just died or how to comfort those who are hurting or let someone who’s dying see the light.

they don’t teach you about loss or pain or about how someday when you grow up and you have a little girl, you’re going to have to explain to her that it’s not her fault they didn’t love her enough to stay.

they don’t teach you how to fake a smile to make sure your parents don’t worry about you and they don’t teach you how to know someone is hurting.

they don’t teach you how to appreciate the people around you or show a little compassion. they don’t teach you how to feel.

they don’t teach you about how when you step into the real world, no one gives a shit about whether you sink or swim and honestly, if you sink they won’t cry.

they don’t teach you about how fairy tales exist but they’re not all happy endings. they don’t teach you about heaven and hell or how to chose the right path that will gain you access to either.

they don’t teach you what to say to someone who doesn’t want to be alive anymore, especially if you can’t even convince yourself you want to be alive.

they don’t teach you how to look at the music when you need a friend and look at the art when you need a change of scenery. they don’t teach you to look for art in people or music in the words people speak.

they don’t teach you about mental health and if they do, it’s for thirty minutes in a classroom every other month.

they don’t teach you how to take care of yourself or how to love yourself or how to make sure that everything in your head doesn’t taint everything that you are.

maybe some of this are things they shouldn’t teach us, that they can’t. and maybe some of it they should try to show us. seven hours, five days, four weeks, ten months, thirteen years. and there are still school shootings and suicides and people who don’t leave the same town because they feel like they’re not even worth it to have a future. we all just need a little light.

april 8, 2017

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blog IX

I submitted my email to the White House. They're a bunch of fucking idiots. Read it below. To whom it may concern, I'm not sure anyone is going to see this. With the state this country is in, I'm not even sure any of you government officials have the decency to read anything from the common folk. As a constitutional federal repulic, Americans have a voice and we very well intend to use it. It has come to my attention that there is a law being passed by the Senate that allows legalized hunters to shoot hybernating bears and cubs in their dens. I've lived in America my whole life. I've been surrounded by the idea of people hunting for game and I've always found it unnecessary to rid areas of bears and wolves, animals we do not need to harm or kill. We should only kill animals we intend to eat and use as food. There is no moral in shooting animals you have no intention of using, if only to mount on your wall or use it as a rug; it is entirely inhumane. What is even more inhumane, is the passing of this law that allows hunters to pounce upon unsuspecting animals and harm them. If we rid the American land of bears and wolves, then tell me how this is even America anymore? The America I know is a land of freedom and justice, of life and love, of acceptance and equality. How can we be America if the animals that the Native Americans before us found their most connected spirits in, are gone? How can you look us in the eye, stand up on a podium in front of reporters, with people who hold government titles behind you, and tell us that you wish for a better America when you are doing nothing to help the cause by passing this law? This is unnecessary, inhumane, and frankly, quite incompetent. We have already rid ourselves of the buffalo, do not make the bear next. We think we own the American land but if we have no regard or respect for the life and spirits that live there, then this is not American land and we have lost that a long time ago. Mr. President, you say the enviroment is fine but we cannot stop buisness. But what buisness is it that makes us go against the nature we have survived off of and betray it to have a nice, fancy rug on the carpet? The animals have rights and they deserve respect to. If you have no regards for life and pass this law, then you are selfish and it is with great sorrow that I say this is not the America it once was and I do not wish to be a part of the "American" way of living. By not doing anything to stop this, you are losing the respect of millions, as well as our support in you as a nation. march 24, 2017

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chapter 3: we say farewell to Judah And The Lion, Jon Bellion, and farewell to the n american leg of #ERS2017 |-/

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blog VIII

i don’t want to keep moving. i don’t want to go to sleep every night and wonder where i’m going to be tomorrow. i don’t want to worry about what to tell my friends or my teachers when i’m suddenly not there in the morning. i don’t want to keep packing my life into three boxes and packing them into storage only to unpack them a few weeks later. i want to feel like i belong somewhere with someone and not worry about constantly moving. i want to have a stable life and know that i’m staying. i want to call some place home. i want to have friends who care and a bed that isn’t constantly getting taken apart and parents who tell me what the fuck is going on. tomorrow, i don’t even know where i’m going to be. i don’t know what i’ll come home to or who will still be there when i get back. i’m not going home, that much is clear. i’m not coming back to this place because i won’t even have a home. i don’t want to always worry about whether i’m going to have a home tomorrow or not or how much money my mom will have tomorrow or how i’m going to explain that i’m leaving again. i don’t want the threats of moving or even the thought of it. i want a home, a real one, and i want to stay there for a long time. i don’t like my family anymore. i don’t like anyone. maybe i don’t want to live with them and maybe i don’t want to live at all. my siblings are mean and my parents act like this doesn’t even affect any of us. maybe i’m just frusterated and maybe i’m fed up with the feeling of not belonging anywhere. i don’t like anyone i’m surrounded by. i feel like it’s a toxic enviroment for my mind. one of these days, sometime soon, i want to move far away from everyone. i want to leave them all behind and start somewhere new. i’m not happy here or anywhere at all. i feel unsatisfied with life and disgusted with myself. sometimes i feel like i get it from my mom, the unsatisfactory. she’s unsatisfied with everything, it’s her fatal flaw. she’s unsatisfied with this town, with her house, with her car, with her children, with her husband, with life. she’s unsatisfied with everything. sometimes i feel like she could have everything she’s ever wanted and she’d still find at least something to complain about. can i tell you something? i don’t want to live anymore. i don’t want to feel anymore. i don’t want to be sad anymore. i want to just die but then i remember the feeling of nothing, of darkness and i decide that even if i have to feel the pain, at least i get to see the colors. i want to die but i’m not ready yet. i want to die but i’m scared. i want to die but i like the fleeting moments of happiness. i want to die so bad.

march 21, 2017

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blog VII

i saw twenty one pilots in concert for the first time on february eleventh. it was the first time in my whole life that i knew i was truly happy to be alive. i’ve been doing a lot better the past few months but every now and then i’m afraid i’ll wake up one morning and realize that the feeling is gone. i’m scared that i’ll wake up one day and feel like i’m truly not happy with the concept of living again. i want to get better, i don’t want to be afraid to wake up in the fear that i might not WANT to wake up. but whenever i feel like that, i listen to twenty one pilots. we all have that something that saved us, for me it was music. this band in particular. they made me want to find a purpose in life, to find the point of living. the words tyler samg resonated so deep in my soul, it was like he was taking every thought, every fear, every feeling i’ve ever had and strung it to a beat and some piano notes and made me feel again. it was incredible. they’ve helped me as people, too. josh taught me to never let my anxiety get too far into my head. he taught me how to cope with the feeling of fear. tyler taught me to take my pain and point it at something to create. he taught me how to not let fear take everything away from me. they made me believe in a better tomorrow. a long time ago, tyler joseph made a promise to me. he said “it’s worth it to stay alive. i promise.” the night at the concert was the first time i truly believed he had fulfilled his promise. now i wake up everyday fearing that he might tell me he was wrong. they’ve taught me so much already and i feel like now i mist learn to believe in the power behind their words, not just the meaning. i want to stay alive. and i need to. we’re all going through a tough time but if you stick with us, we’ll all make it through the night. stay alive and goodnight frens. |-/

march 20, 2017

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blog VI

i’m a compulsive liar. i lied about going to a therapist for years. “yeah, i’m getting help,” “yeah i’m fine,” “yeah i’m doing better.” and every time i told one of those lies, it was because i didn’t want to talk about it. i didn’t want to talk, i didn’t want to sleep, i didn’t want to eat, i didn’t want to cry. i felt like i was totally numb. for years, i never wanted to talk about it because it’s hard to keep up with saying you’re fine when you’re not really fine because you’re not getting anything out of your head and it’s driving you insane. when you don’t want to talk about it, everyone asks. and then after a while they stop asking because they assume you’re totally fine and then when you fall apart publically because you aren’t, they don’t want to become involved in your problems. so everyone asked when i didn’t want to talk about it. but now when i’m finally ready to open up about it because i can’t fucking take it anymore, nobody will fucking listen. maybe it’s my own fault because i pushed people away all those years but it’s literally sitting on top of my chest and i can’t breathe unless i talk about it. some people stick around for me to talk about it but they don’t listen. they hear me, but they don’t listen. this one time i did open up to someone i trusted, he told me to repeat what i was talking about because he wasn’t listening, due to a distraction that seemingly held more interest than i did. i am done trying to talk about it now. i tried to talk about it and no one will fucking listen so i’m going to keep this to myself even though it’s literally ripping my insides to shreds because i’d rather have it literally kill me than tell people who won’t even give me a few minutes of their precious lives to fucking listen to me. maybe this is being selfish but no. for years i have done everything for everyone. i’ve listened to their problems, gave them advice when i couldn’t even get my own life together, fixed their relationships, been the messanger, mended the bridge, comforted, made people laugh, been involved in things i didn’t want to just for the sake of people feeling like they weren’t alone and i was there for them. and now after years of this, what do i get in return? the feeling of utter abandonment. nobody’s ever payed attention to me which was good because i never wanted them to. i was just the friend that helped you get to your feet so you could step back into the limelight. and now the one time i’m asking for payment, BEGGING for them to just listen to me, not even comfort me or give me advice or help me back on my feet but just FUCKING LISTEN, they won’t even pay attention to hear me out. i’m done. i’m so fucking done. and they wonder, THEY WONDER, why i am leaving and never fucking looking back. BECAUSE OF THEM. DO THEY UNDERSTAND IT’S BECAUSE OF THEM? DO THEY REALIZE THAT I’VE BEEN THERE FOR EVERYONE? I’VE CANCELLED PLANS TO HELP SOMEONE GET THEIR BOYFRIEND BACK. I’VE STAYED ON THE PHONE AND LISTENED TO A GIRL CRY FOR HOURS AND COMFORT HER WHILE I WAS ON VACATION. I’VE ANSWERED EVERY TEXT, EVERY PHONE CALL, EVERY CRY, EVERY SCREAM, EVERY LAUGH, EVERY PROBLEM, I’VE BEEN THERE FOR SOMEONE AND NOT ONE FUCKING PERSON CAN BE THERE FOR ME. do you realize how hard it is to reassure someone that everything’s going to be okay when you haven’t even reassured yourself that? do you realize how hard it is to talk someone through a panic attack when you have them twice a day, if you’re feeling okay on a good day? do you realize how hard it is to listen to someone talk about how they can’t decide between ex-boyfriends when you’re sitting in your room crying for no reason but that you don’t want to take the damn pills? do you realize how hard it is to hear someone complain about how their strict parents won’t let them go to a party tonight when all you wished was that yours cared at all? this sounds so selfish and so shallow and you’re probably right that it is but i’m just so tired and it hurts and i can’t even think of anymore words because i’m crying too hard. i just want someone to listen. i want someone to read this one day, if anyone ever does, and say, “i hear you. i’m listening. i understand.” i just want someone, anyone to listen.

dear universe, i don’t know what i did in a past life to these people and i don’t even want that much. forget all the money people owe me, forget all the people who’ve ever bullied me, forget everyone that told me i’d be better off fucking dead. all i want is one person, one person to listen to me. please. that’s all i ask. that’s all i’ve ever asked. sincerely, phia the space cat.

march 15, 2017

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STAY | ALIVE | PROJECT

“On behalf of the skeleton clique, this certificate is awarded to Joshua Dun and Twenty One Pilots in recognition of the completion of the STAY ALIVE PROJECT. $3000 was donated in your name to TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS in an effort to raise awareness of youth depression, self-injury, and suicide.”

I remember seeing a while ago on twitter (yeah, I see your tweets), this thing called “stay alive project”. I started seeing more and more tweets and posts online about it. What happened is, for my birthday, people from all over donated money to go towards a goal of $3,000 which would be donated to an organization called “To Write Love on Her Arms”. Our culture, including myself, and kids like me or younger than me have been bombarded with overwhelming thoughts, ideas, and accessibility to self harm or suicide. Music is something that truly helped save my life, or at least was a gateway to do so, and if I can use music to help somebody do the same, then that’s all I really want. I’m honored to receive this certificate on behalf of so many people willing to help with this cause/organization to donate money in my name. Thank you. Stay alive, stay street, and try as hard as possible to turn your pain into something constructive. 

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Theres something comforting about a crowd of people all singing about how broken they are |-/

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it’s absurd, what people can come up with and sad what people can believe.

[oh-ms-beiiever-blog]

blog V

today is international women’s day. i find it extremely important to recognize the beautiful, strong women that make our world a better place because we fight every day to make a difference. my mother was the only strong woman figure in my life. she believed in what she knew was right and didn’t let anyone change her opinion or sway her belief in things that she stood firmly for because her will was all she had. since the time i was a little girl, i’ve admired the way my mother was so bold and confident; the way she was strong and determined. i loved to hear about her stories from when she traveled the world, how she was so beautiful and free. but this is not what made her the most important person in my eyes. my mother gave up a luxurious lifestyle, a kind of freedom in independence to raise me and my siblings. she worked hard every morning to get up early, do the laundry and make breakfast before we got up. she worked hard every night, making dinner and doing the dishes until sometimes midnight. she constantly worked hard to make time to entertain and spend every moment with her children. and somehow, every single little girl who has seen a hard-working mother work her hands to the bone in a home that never got any easier, is supposed to sit back and wait for men to decide a better tomorrow for us. there is power in being a woman, in motherhood, in the act of fighting for rights that should be given to us without a second thought, in empowering each other to believe we deserve those rights. today, we celebrate the things we have accomplished and what it means to be a woman. being a woman is not the color of our skin, our race, our clothes, our sex, our sexual identity or orientation. being a woman is about associating yourself as a part of the beautiful, strong, inspiring and aspiring females of this gender. we are the future. we are the past. we are the present. women make a difference in this world because we are a part of the strong foundation on which we stand. today, we celebrate our sisters in every aspect, all over the world. today is for women of color, white women, gay women, straight women, trans women, cis women, disabled women, and every woman who stood for something great. this is for every little girl who was told she cannot do it because that is a boy’s job. this is for every little girl who was afraid to have a dream because of what people would think. this is for every woman who stood in front of a man who degraded her because of who she was. this is for every woman who looked at her paycheck and realized it was only a portion of what her male co-worker made that week. this is for every woman who was laughed upon because it was believed that because she was a woman, she was less in value. we fight for you. we fight because we saw our mothers who worked so hard and know that those who tell us that women aren’t strong, are wrong. we fight for the little girl in us that has bigger dreams than listening to a man tell us what to do, we have more sense than to listen to a man try to tell us what to do with our bodies, we have more strength than to let those voices make us give up. this is for our little girls of our society to ensure that some day in the future, they will walk into a building and into their office with a sign on the door that reads “boss” and know that they did it because they knew they could. because we told them they could. because they believed they could. we have a dream to fulfill the dream of every woman who had a dream they were told was impossible. because it’s not. it’s right in front of you. so help us take it. happy international women’s day to the women who deserve to be heard.

march 8, 2017

[oh-ms-beiiever-blog]

chapter 02: the emotional roadshow rolls on through north america.

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blog IX

isn’t it weird that you can find yourself completely alone with the people you know but you can feel completely safe with a bunch of strangers who are going through the same thing as you and wanting to stay alive so badly just because of what the music told them? i find music one of the most beautiful things that has been gifted to man simply because it brings people together in ways that only the power of relation to a struggle of life can. we all listen to music for different reasons. some of us to try to find something in the music that will resonate with ourselves. some of us to find comfort in knowing we are not alone. some of us to fall asleep and others of us to feel alive. music resonates with people in ways that we ourselves can’t do alone. we can learn to find a purpose through a video we saw of two guys on stage, performing like it’s the last show of their lives. we can learn to stay alive through a guy singing to 200 people in a basement. we can learn to love ourselves through a girl singing to 5,000 people in an arena. i’ve always felt like no matter the size of the audience, we can always connect with the music and find exactly what we were looking for. maybe it’s because we didn’t know what we were looking for until it was shown to us in the song and maybe we knew exactly what we were looking for and found it because fate and music tend to be the same thing. we learn to find ourselves in music, but we also learn to find ourselves in other people who connect with it. i went to a concert about a month ago and never have i felt so at home and completely safe with strangers all because they understood how much staying alive meant to them because of what we had found in the music. no one will ever understand me quite like they do. without the music, i’m not even sure if i would understand them. but when you have a thought and music puts words and purpose to that thought, you create a whole world that becomes open to people who need to find sanity there as much as you do. we’re not all looking for the same things. we’re not all going through the same things. we don’t all like the same music. but the music leads us to a purpose that makes us find what we needed to see. i’m alive because music helped me find what i needed to believe in that exact moment. it brought me to people who i needed to understand me in that exact moment. it brought me to a purpose that helped me find the strength to believe in my own worth and life in that exact moment. and i will always thank music to have for that. “that’s one of the great things about music. you could sing a song to 85,000 people and they would sing it back for 85,000 different reasons.” what’s the reason you sing it back for? until next time…

march 5, 2017

[oh-ms-beiiever-blog]

blog VIII

hey guys. i had planned to blog every day and then i just kind of lost track of time and pushed all this to the back of my mind. even if no one's reading, i guess i do need this as a kind of theraputic experience. anygay, for today's blog i'm going to share something i wrote a while ago. •peace will win and fear will lose. stay open minded. stop diminishing people's worth, stop degrading women, stop trying to stick a label to people. don't say no as much but know when someone says no. be spontaneous. protest to protect the animals and the people. hold people closer to you. don't hate on those who are doing better than you because that doesn't even exist; we're all going through tough times right now. love people more instead of trying to point out anything you can find a little off. maybe i'm not the best person to preach this, but maybe that makes me the most sincere to say this. try to see some silver linings. don't be afraid to express what you stand for. don't be afraid to be natural because crazy hair is beautiful hair. but don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do. make sure to cry a little. appreciate your best friend more. understand those who are different from you instead of persecuting them. know that diversity is what life is made for and change is what life is made of. learn to live in the moment, love in the moment, stay in the moment. preserve the earth, save the elephants, love the rain. and know that while you're doing fine, there's some people and i who have a really tough time getting through this life, so excuse us while we sing to the skies. i know you feel like giving up but stay with me now and we'll all make it to tomorrow• i like writing things like this in the hopes that i might change the way someone views the world. because we can choose to focus on all the dark or we can choose to become the better version of who we were yesterday through the words and uplifting spirits of those around us and within us. please think about what i say and promise me you'll help someone tomorrow. until next time... march 5, 2017