ofsunshineandstorms-blog

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Someone once told me that human beings have three dimensions: how you see yourself, how others see you, and how you want others to see you. The closer the distance between the three dimensions, the more at peace you are and the more stable you become.

Marwa Rakha, The Poison Tree

waiting for the day to come

(via serious)

[ofsunshineandstorms-blog]

VIDA ACTUALIZAR

Hey its 5am on the 12th of june and It has been ages since i last wrote and i miss writing. So much. I miss venting to a place that will not judge me and i am able to write everything and anything. Life has changed so much since the last time i wrote. I have progressed so well too. Really proud of myself. Example(s) :

1) Acceptance. I have accepted a lot of things. I have accepted that the world does not revolve around me. I have accepted that some things are really not meant to be. I am at peace with myself (and him too, i guess). Also, i realised that trying to change things to fit it to my liking does not also work because i have to accept things as they are and learn to adapt to change because nothing stays the same forever. Nothing is forever. 

2) Change. First things first(im the realest), i have changed quite a lot. Within. I am more calm. I have changed my ways of thinking. Not my ways of eating though haha needa work on that soon. I worry less now too! A bit. I now worry less about what’s to come and i just enjoy what i have in front of me. Having a positive mindset is probably one of the best things ever and im so happy i decided to change things about me. Anyways, i just finished my final IGCSE examinations on the 9th of June and i’ve never been so happy to finally be able to do nothing without worrying about ace-ing the paper!! Although, i feel so bored and lost now because i have no purpose in life and i have nothing to study for, yet. Speaking of studying, i start tuition on the first week of July, which is 2 weeks or so from now, since getting a head start for A-levels will benefit me (i hope)!! I am excited to learn new things and also meet new people. I’m gonna hopefully go out of my comfort zone and do things that i never had the guts to. All about change right?

3) Amor. Don’t wanna spill about this too much but not long ago i realised something that has has hit me (and been in me for so long) and has left me thinking about this certain ‘thing’ almost everyday. It drives me insane but its a good kind of insane (ew cringe!). I try to push it away as much as i can though. Letting it distract me will not benefit me as i know there is 1 in a million chance it will happen anytime soon. Sad. I know. but that’s life right? Hopefully everything will fall into place soon and i know why all these incidents happen to me. For now, I hope its mutual and lets see where the future takes us. 

4) Life. As for life, idk really. “What am i really doing with my life?” something i frequently ask myself and i never have an answer. I just wanna be genuinely happy and content. I don’t care about quantity anymore. I want quality. I’ll get back to this topic hopefully soon when i have it figured it out a little bit more.

5) Emotions. As for this topic, i must say i’ve been doing well in this too! I control my emotions better and i don’t let the little things affect me anymore. Yay! Sure, i still get sad from time to time when i reminisce but that’s normal. I am human after all. I hope this continues in me.

6) Religion. Oh this topic. Who would’ve thought i’d write this lol! I take religion more seriously now and i try to practice it as much as i can. I must say, this has contributed to me being more positive and happier. I pray and read the Quran more frequently now and the aftermath always leaves me very calm. I am proud of myself for this big step and change and i hope this will never stop. I want to continue to better myself and learn more about my beautiful religion. Others might think this is bizarre and im out of my mind but its okay. Everyone is different.

7) Goals. Future. I have loads on my bucket list (which i should probably start taking more seriously since im done with school). For example, i wanna write more in a book about my daily life so i can look back. I wanna be more careful and independent. I wanna go out of my comfort zone. I wanna make everyone, including myself, proud. I want to get into a good Uni (LSE hopefully!!). I want to be healthier. I want to continue to better myself. You can do it, sof! Im rooting for you, *pats self on the back*

8) Spending. AHHH this!! I have changed my spending a lot though. I dont buy as much things as i used to. I no longer buy excessively which i’m so happy and proud of!! I cut down spending a lot and i hope this continues. It’s weird though. The feeling of wanting to shop is slowly vanishing. I don’t randomly go on a splurge anymore and i dont just buy online without thinking. YAY ME!

9) Youtube. Since 2013, i’ve always wanted to do youtube but i never had the guts to do so. I posted in 2015 and 2016, one video each year, and that was about it. Finally, after IGs ended, i finally had the opportunity to edit my Summer 16 Vlog which turned out pretty well!! Yay hehe. I was nervous because i was scared to be judged but i said screw it and i posted it anyway. I hope this isn’t the first and last video of 2017. I really wanna do Youtube because i enjoy it. 

Okay okay at this point, at 5AM, I cant think of more things to write so i’ll stop here. Hopefully i’ll be back very soon and write moOORE! I realised i said ‘im proud’ maybe 938447878 times and i apologise!! I REALLY REALLY am proud of myself hehe. Alrighty, im out! Till next time x

12/6/17

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Doloroso

How much longer? How long do i have to keep up with the shit people throw at me? I am exhausted of being a punching bag to the world. I deserve more. Way more. People see a demon when they look at me but i promise you, i am nice. I can be so caring and so understanding. I will go out of my way to ensure everyone is happy. Even if it means i’ll be the unhappy one. I’ve tried so many things to be accepted but nothing works. I am so tired of this. I wake up every day and tell myself to suck it up because it is not worth my time but i am human and i have feelings. The little things get to me and i always brush it off but the dust under the rug keeps collecting and sooner or later, it will be seen. 

If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. 

1/3/17

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A lil light at the end of the tunnel

Although, i still have good days. I still continue walking the pain i feel because i know that time waits for no one and i cannot let my emotions get the best of me because at the end of the day, i have to face the consequences. Going out, studying and doing random things really help me. It keeps my mind always busy and i am always occupied. People think i’m crazy for working myself too hard and doing a lot of things at once but it helps me forget and gives me no time to think about my aching heart. I rarely have time to overthink anymore because i just have a lot to cross out on my ‘to do list’. In a way, i am happier because i am no longer lazing around but goddamn, these daily activities are tiring. I wish i could have the best of both worlds. I wish i could be this happy and have you at the same time but it doesn’t work that way. I know being so far away makes it 10000 times harder for the both of us and we get worked up over the little things so i guess for now, i’ll carry on on my own. But, if you ever ever ever need anyone, please dont hesitate to look for me. I’d love to hear about your good days or your bad days. It is lovely to see that you are happy and not affected by our split but it does kill me a little in the inside knowing you are okay without me. I hope my good days continue to come and i will continue to keep myself busy. 

Here is to not giving up no matter what shit is thrown at me! 

24.3.17

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39 days later

It’s been awhile since i wrote something but life has been moving so so fast and I’m getting worst and worst at managing my time. I miss writing things i can’t tell people. I miss writing what i feel at 4am when i feel helpless and the memories kick in but i just can’t get myself to get up and take my computer to type it out. I’ve been so tired these past few days and no amount of sleep could help me. My dreams keep coming back. The same damn ones. I’ve gotten used to it to the point where when i wake up in the middle of the night, i just let it be because its the same reoccurring thing. Not gonna lie, at times i still look for you. Especially at 4am. From time to time i check my phone to see if your name pops up on my screen but often I’m left disappointed because there’s nothing except for “email from *some store*”! hah how interesting. I know this is bad and i hate myself for this but i still miss you and love you the same way i did before or maybe even more. I know, i know, i need to process it in my head that we are not we anymore. Its now you and me. I have to get into my senses that we have parted ways and you no longer feel the same way you first did when our crazy ride started. Crazy to think its been a year since this roller coaster started. Crazy how different everything is now. I would, without a doubt, turn back time if i could to feel a few moments again. It was one of the best years, or if not, the best year i’ve experienced so far. It hurts to look at someone who you love or who was once someone so important in your life, do their own thing and achieve brilliant things and you aren’t there next to them anymore. Instead you’re watching from the back of the room and silently clapping. Deep down i know how much it is hurting me but every-damn-day i put a smile on my face and continue my day like nothing is bothering me. When the moon appears and its just me all alone in my room, the thought of you and what once was a thing, us, come, i feel so so helpless, so vulnerable. I apologise for still looking for you in everyone i meet. I apologise for not letting you go fully. I know one day, hopefully, ill let you go and not feel anything when i see you. I have tried to hate you multiple times thinking it will be easier for me to move on but it just doesn’t work because nothing went wrong between us and it was not my fault nor was it your fault that we had to go our separate ways. Time wasn’t on our side and being thousands of miles apart made it many many times harder. Somedays, despite it all, I’m reminded that you still were one of the best parts of my life, of me. And somedays, I just miss you too much.

I hope you’re doing good and i hope you’re doing much better than i am doing without you. You seem so happy and so content that i don’t mind not being in your life and someone important in your life anymore. 

24.3.17

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i love like a religion

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You tried to change didn’t you? closed your mouth more tried to be softer prettier less volatile, less awake but even when sleeping you could feel him travelling away from you in his dreams so what did you want to do, love split his head open? you can’t make homes out of human beings someone should have already told you that and if he wants to leave then let him leave you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love.

Warsan Shire (via thequotejournals)

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I wonder what it would feel like to be at peace with myself.

William Chapman (via wnq-writers)

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Bleed if you must. Even if it takes forever. The only way to get better is to engulf with all the emotions you need to feel. It is not that bad to keep hurting. You can collapse if you need to. You can shatter if you have to; You’re not weak. You’re not bizarre. You are human and you have to feel.

J.DG

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Last Love: Four long years, but here I am writing yet again another confession about you. It’s still you anyway. Whenever I hear a song or gone to places that we just used to tell each other, it brings back all the memories of you. Everything feels like yesterday. I almost died when you left. The pain still lingers on and everyday I would wake up praying to God to help me recover. And it helps because there are times when I don’t think of you anymore. But you know it’s never a one-night process, up to this day I’m still picking up the pieces of myself that was shattered when you walked away. The saddest part of it all, no one ever knew how I feel. They thought I moved on easily when in reality I still cry myself at night. It’s hard whenever they joke around me about what happened to us and I just shrugged it off like I don’ care, but the truth is, it still breaks my heart. I have proven it myself that time doesn’t really heal all wounds, it would always be a choice. No matter how long the process will be, I surrender it everything to God. I know you have someone else right now and even if it hurts (without any bitterness) I’m at peace knowing you’ve found a reason to be happy because you deserve it.

thegirlwhoforgiveandforget 

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I wonder how many people don’t get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to be with.

Fannie Flagg, Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe

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I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

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The person i once knew

No doubt that you still linger in my mind and no doubt that i am missing you but i don’t know how to look at you the same way. I don’t know how to look at the person i gave my all to but ended up dropping me like i didn’t matter. How do i still love you despite all the pain i’m going through? Things ended almost 3 weeks ago but i knew i lost you long ago. When the little things i did ticked you off, i knew i lost you. When the replies came in late and the calls kept decreasing, i knew i lost you. When i was in front of you and you would hardly look at me and have a conversation, i knew i lost you. You were long gone and i didn’t want to accept it. I kept lying to myself that you still wanted me and you were still the same person 10 months ago but i knew deep down you weren’t. I miss you but maybe i miss the old you. I do not miss being ignored and scolded for the little things and for my imperfections. I do not miss the times where alcohol took over you and you were nothing but mean to me. I kept trying to change my ways because i had this little string of hope that the old you would reappear but it never happened. You are not the same person who loved me last April. 

I understand that the only constant thing in life is change and that applies to humans too. We humans keep changing, for the better, and sometimes for the bad. I hate to think about you because i don’t know where he is. I don’t know where he ran off to. 

I miss the person you once were. I miss the gentle, caring and understanding person you once were. Maybe you still are, but not to me. I hope that side of you reappears to your future lady and i hope it will never go away. I hope she brings out the good in you that i know is hiding. 

3.3.17

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Where to?

Starting to think that i deserve nothing great in this world. My life is falling apart slowly and i am a stanger in my own life. My problems are like dominos, 'lepas satu, satu’. After one problem comes, another appears. This is the problem of being someone who has such high expectations and plans everything out, it never fucking works out. At the end of the day im always left disappointed. I act so strong about it to everyone but im slowly breaking more and more each day. I don’t know where im heading to and i dont know what is going to happen to me. i am scared, i am truly scared of what the future holds for me. My mind is everywhere and i am the only left with myself. But how will i help myself when i am in this horrible and painful state? Just when i though im healing and my shit is finally getting together, life decides to fuck me up all over again. God, please help me. Please grant me all the patience & courage in this world.  

3.3.17

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My brain and this world don’t fit each other.

G.K. Chesterton, The Innocence of Father Brown.

[ofsunshineandstorms-blog]

It is never too late to start over. A painting is only finished when the painter puts the brush down.

Nicholas A Browne