octavia-phoenix-blog

[octavia-phoenix-blog]

31st of August

I never thought I’d be happy to be back at school, but for whatever reason I am. Even after everything that happened last year, I welcome the sense of freedom the castle provides. It's not real freedom, I know but its better than being locked in a room by myself for weeks on end. I miss Viktoria already but I’m sure I can sneak out like I did last year. Maybe not though. It all depends on how closely I am being watched I suppose. 

The train ride was uneventful. I still find it stupid that I had to go all the way back to London to then ride the train 8 hours back to school. I was here already, why force me to ride the train? I wasn't able to find Nate or Nic. I do hope they had a decent train ride. Maybe being back at school will be good for all of us. Get away from whatever is going on at home, focus on something other than our parent's crumbling marriage and the void that now seems to fill that house. 

It is funny really. I ran away from school in hopes of getting a little peace, and instead, it was almost worse. I know mum says that she loves me, that she could never stop loving me no matter what I did, but I don’t feel it. It's like...every time she looks at me I feel like she's looking at me with disgust. Like...I'm just an awful child. Someone that should be locked away instead of freely roaming. Ever since I defended Miss V, I haven't seen the same love in her eyes that I once did. Maybe one day I'll get it back...if I'm lucky anyway. 

After dinner tonight I went and talked yo my head of house. Thankfully, he does not see the need to have me finish the two months' worth of detentions that I missed after I left school last year. He wants me to keep journaling, and meet with him regularly which isn't that big of an issue. I wonder if he is going to want to read my journal. I hope not, or I might have to keep two. One that is safe for him to read, and one that is for me. 

Nicole is still really upset that Da left. I want to talk to her, tell her that Da has a room for her and she can go stay with him whenever she wants to, but we both fell asleep last night. Maybe once things settle a little we will have a chance to properly talk. I hope so. I'd rather not lose my sister as well. 

Anyway. I think its time for me to tuck in for the night. Nics already zonked, and I fear the first week or so is going to be rather bumpy. Best rest now while I can.