obylljr2

[obylljr2]

A bouquet of flowers, on a dark tough world we call Earth.

A train of thoughts of mine, first-person point-of-view. Ideally, no one should ever read this. But this is a private Tumblr anyways, so anything can go. I don't expect anyone to either.

I know that I haven't been able to get a good composure of myself, nor get a good grip on my life, let alone talking about things as vague as "love". At this point of time, I don't fully believe in true love. It's just a bunch of hormone surges in a human body; some preset of pathways that we, humans, perceive as something (seemingly) as beautiful as heaven. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist. What I'm trying to say is, I felt this kind of feeling that is unspeakably lingering, a bit weird. It gets into my soft personality. I don't know whether it will linger for real or it's merely an imaginary one; some kind of illusion to guide humans away from extinction, I presume.

Strange. After all this time, the feeling is holding on; it is intact. Well, most of it anyways. Less hyperbolic, presumably wiser. Still, I can't get over with how I once get caught in a situation called "infatuation". I'm afraid of typing her name here. I try to stay away from blind writing, but I reckon I could write anything because, well, why not? After all, this is a thought canvas.

Okay. Here it is.

I still very much, deeply, fondly, unconditionally like her.

I, as of now, still trying hard not to associate my feelings with the word "love". Even though what I felt is crystal clear and concise enough, love is a complex concept. However, the thing is, whenever I encounter her name, or merely a glance of her cuteness, my mind just wanders to a place with a thousand bouquets. What did she do? Nothing! She is just being herself. Funny. Energetic. Invigorating. Intoxicating happiness. Cute. Heartwarming. Melts my heart.

In a more "civilized" language: every time I encounter something beautiful, let it be a stunning scenery, great places, wonderful ambience, calming tranquility of a cold moonlight, even colorful flowers blooming under the kiss of a warm morning sun, I always get reminded of her. In other words, one beauty leads to another. Her kiss on the said flowers will be one of many things that could balance those beauty. I safely state that my affection to her goes far beyond what meets the eye, but I won't lie that I tend to be distracted by her lips. They are as sweet as it can be. Though I am basically drawn by the beauty of women's lips, hers are one most memorable. In the end, she became something of a gravity herself. She became my second gravity ever since; I was drawn to her from a far.

I reckon those are a bit too heavy, but I'm trying to be honest. I hate to sound like a blinded person, but those are all what I genuinely feel about her. Seriously. That is coming from one person. I am summarizing a year of happiness in one paragraph, and I don't think it suffices.

In comparison, true, many girls are beautiful. This world is full of them. Women are beautiful. But the kind of beautiful that you see from this particular woman is vastly different. It's almost eye-opening though, of how emotion and a mere eye-candy make a world of difference. When I look at her, I not only encounter beauty. Rather, a surge of happiness, a bit of palpitation, a dash of breathlessness, and a sense of completion. Hard to describe it, since I'm not in the best condition to describe things as of this writing.

All those feelings, to me at least, comes with huge responsibility. I shouldn't just be in love without looking back on my priorities. That includes myself; who I am in general. For me, loving someone always ignites a corner of my brain, discussing about whether myself is worthy enough to experience this kind of privilege. I never ever compared myself to others, especially on topics as silly as love. But I do wonder of how everyone can fall in love as easily as the falling leaves of Autumn. I try to maintain the most genuine feelings when it comes to attraction, and so I don't fall in love that easily. But when I do, I have butterflies. They seem to fly around me 24/7. My thoughts become as beautiful as the sweet taste of Turkish Delight, without the diabetic thing.

Yet the light never existed without the dark. I have my own. Say, unhealthy misconceptions? Overflowing tendency of overthinking? The thoughts of not being worthy enough? I don't know why they live in my head rent-free. I have no idea as to why this happens a lot. Is it in my genes to always worry? I consider myself one of the most ignorant persons of all, though I always, and I mean always, thought that me, myself, aren't worthy enough for my dearest ones. It's all based on my tendency to be the best for them, even though I am doing marvelously horrible on that. I hated to be the mediocre; the kind of person who is selfish enough to receive the gift of love whilst at the same time still being a broken creature and does a horrible job of mending his broken bones. But then again, recently I realized that I am just a human being. Humans are made of mistakes, and I have done loads of them. I guess what it means to be a human is to learn from my mistakes, and that is already as important. Affection is a human thing. Humans experience it. It's not supposed to be a darkness in one's eyes. Probably it can help rejecting my redundant thoughts. Only time will tell.

All of these got me reminded of a person back when I was a stupid young boy (or am I still?). A girl I was once captivated by. Back then, I was crazy infatuated. Or was it true love gone wrong? Is there such a thing? Doesn't matter anymore. What matters is right now seemed like a time machine getting ready to rewind my past mistakes. If there is such thing as a stupid idiotic person, that will be me repeating that same mistake; which was once resulted in losing that girl over a trivial thing. I tend to hold myself back to love so that I don't repeat that mistake. Even though I feel way wiser now, more stable as well, I'm not so sure that concludes to me finally being able to handle such intense feelings. Such feelings took a heavy toll on me, on my mental health, no longer being able to prioritize, creating a haze of unreasonable infatuation that clouded my mind, and right now I'm no closer of finding why it managed to ruin me like so back then. Besides those unhealthy misconceptions I was talking about earlier, those mishaps are really the main cause of me avoiding love and its kin concepts. I am afraid.

All things considered; as of now, me typing on these train of thoughts on my laptop, I still feel like I miss her. As the Moon orbiting the Earth steadily, I find myself behaving similarly as my heart and mind are still revolving around her center of gravity. On the other hand, I still cling to the honesty that I like her even though she will eventually earn a better, much better man that I will ever be. At least that's what I hope for. She deserves the best. Only because she is a bright person. I know nothing about her personal life, what she has ever done, her inner thoughts, or any other intrapersonal stuffs. But humans have potential, and I wish, emphasis on the word "wish", to believe that she has every potential of being a great person.

That's what these kinds of feelings make you think; positivity of a certain person. Being blunt, I always thought these romantic feelings are blinding, stupid, childish. But I'll be d*mned, I believe the force of attraction had struck me like a bolt of lightning, or better yet, a raging thunder. I certainly wish that I only reap the positive side of being in lov…no not that, I meant of liking her.

After all those trains of thoughts, in the end, I try not to forget that I will not be thinking like this about her in eternity. I won't….wait, I shouldn't. What I feel right now is probably a strong one, certainly can stand the test of time, but that's not an excuse. Being me, I believe in the ultimate goal of feeling something as abstract as love; that is to be happy whenever she is the happiest. That mostly translates to her being with someone better than my current self. Could be anyone. And let's not forget that love is not about who belongs to whom. For me, it's more like praying for her, hoping for the best, little bit of helping in need won't hurt, and giving at least emotional support even though I might be a stranger to her and that isn't likely to happen anytime soon (hey, it's an idea).

And last but not least, for now, letting go of her. She won't flee to another country or something. She won't be that far. You can still see her. But don't be too hopeful. If you must lose her in your mind, that's for the better. Hey, I don't mind losing a girl. I've never been miserably desperate. Let's not forget that I haven't been this type of guy my whole life. It's just that she is kind of special; I have a sense of dread when I think of losing her. That's probably a normal symptom. But again, losing is not always losing. Heartbreaks can heal. You're a guy. It's theoretically easier. Yes, it does leave scars sometimes. But I assume I have acquired many my whole life I don't even mind getting another one later in my train of life. Last but not least, I'm happy that these feelings happened. As they became my bane, they also became my beacon of light. Being me, I can say that not many people have the capacity of loving someone as I do to my dearest ones.

Let her be. She isn't thinking about this crap. Why would you?

(But seriously, she is too charming I just wanna curse in a beautiful language about her right now...)

[obylljr2]

What to write?

Weird to grow up, huh? Your mind is shifting all of a sudden. How you see the world; it evolves. For the better, or for the worse. You doubt yourself. Often. Yet you find yourself on some occasion very much resilient. Maybe it's the fact that no locks are created without a key. It's mentioned in our religion. It's a fact.

Like there is black as there is white, like a spoon perfectly matches a fork, like a boy inherently drawn to a girl and vice versa, problems are a match to a solution. Interestingly, sometimes our brain creates the majority of those problems. Yes, human brain. If you have a chicken brain that's on another field of topic.

In reality, it is crystal clear that we have to have a certain degree of perseverance. Especially men. In case you're thinking about it, no, we're not talking about misogyny here. It is just natural that men should have this perseverance and endurance to withstand adversities in the world. And sure, women are of no difference in these generation of hard workers. My personal respect to all women who can endure the pain the world gives to them.

So be strong. Not because you have to, but because that what makes a human, a human. They survive. Even the good old Darwin theory suggests that apes can survive. Think outside of the box. See a new point of view. Never let yourself sink into a stagnant problem. There is always a key to a lock, and it may be closer than we could ever imagine.

[obylljr2]

"Rose tinted view, and satellites that compromise the truth"

[obylljr2]

“You’re rarer than a can of dandelion and burdock”