oakdrawss

[oakdrawss]

decided im redoing druid flutter's design because her previous design doesn't spark joy. dont know when ill have the finished design done.

[oakdrawss]

like the first rule of cooking is to have fun and be yourself and the first rule of baking is to stay calm because the dough can sense fear

[oakdrawss]

Let’s Have Another Bullet Point Story, Courtesy of a Friend

So I have a friend that used to be in the tumblers troupe at the renfaire as a contortionist

We were chatting online and she told me to tell you all this story.

I love Kat dearly

but she forgets that she’s stupid strong and hypermobile

so one day she throws her back out

bad enough that she needed painkillers and couldn’t stand upright

“But also I needed Tampons and like.  A Burrito, real bad.”

she’s flat on her back in her apartment when she decides this

and, in an

impeccable

leap of reasoning, decides

“I can’t roll my back forward to sit/stand up like normal.

But I can ARCH my back just fine.

SO 

I’m going to do that and get on my hands and feet in a stomach-in-the-air this-shit-belongs-in-a-horror-movie-type pose,

And amble on down to the 7-11”

“And get me that Burrito”

It is, 

for context, 

after midnight in July during a wildfire so it’s hot as satan’s own asshole and the moon is red and shit’s already generally cursed.

Imagineyou are some poor sap working nights at the world’s deadest 7-11, and you hear the door jangle but you don’t see anyone’s head over the counters.

Whatever.

Except you keep hearing noises like there’s someone in the next aisle over.  

Fucking around in the burrito section

It’s also worth mentioning that Kat

1. sings whatever earworm is currently running through her head when she’s not paying attention

2. sounds EXACTLY like some kind of creepy child from a horror movie when doing so

tonight’s song is something from veggietales.

DUDE ACTUALLY STANDS HIS GROUND

and/or is really fucking high and isn’t sure if he’s tripping balls or notanyway

Kat goes up to pay for her burrito and tampons

She realizes the counter presents something of a challenge, and then demonstrates for me on her kitchen table at 4AM during a different july wildfire, 

exactly 

how she used the shelves to climb up the counter 

like one of the boston robotics beasties

dude stares at her for like, five minutes and says.

“Register’s broke.”

“Oh No!” Says Kat. “Just Take ‘em.” “Really?  I can leave cash-you don’t have to give me change I don’t want you to get in trouble with your manager.” “…Nah.” “Oh!  OK!  Thank you!” “Yeah ok bye.”

Shortly after she arrived back at the apartment, she got a text on her phone from the campus security about  "A Suspicious Individual” at tle 7-11. 

It took her 

FOUR

FUCKING 

YEARS

 to realize she was the suspicious individual

[oakdrawss]

[oakdrawss]

i'm not the guy who always has mini bagels in his purse but today i happened to and, by some stroke of god, today also happened to be the day my brother declined a bagel in front of me with the statement "i'm not hungry enough for a whole bagel." so obviously i ask "would you be hungry enough for a bagel if it was like, a miniature version of one?" and when he said yes, miraculously pull a mini bagel from my purse. so now i seem like a guy who always has mini bagels on him

[oakdrawss]

one of me and my brothers favourite bits to do is pretend we're cavemen seeing modern things for the first time. like an airplane passes overhead and i go 'caveman' and we both point and stare at it pass with gazes of abject horror and disbelief like we're about to experience the rapture and have seen the closest thing to god we ever will

[oakdrawss]

In my experience people actually go insane about fat tummy all the time but are afraid to publicly express it so you have to do it for them. Anyways reblog if you would make out with someone’s fat tummy, want someone to make out with your tummy, or if you think the united states needs to violently topple their two party liberal democracy if it wants any hope of progressing further left of neoliberal capitalism

[oakdrawss]

another bodyswap :3

[oakdrawss]

[oakdrawss]

went to the nurse and i was like i need a period product. and they go. we are in the male ward. and I'm like i have a uterus. and they process it so slowly and they're like. do. do. you want a yorkie bar. will this help with the gender dysphoria. and i'm like ...you know what. sure.

[oakdrawss]

[oakdrawss]

if you have the Honey browser extension installed, uninstall it immediately. big big story broke on youtube today strongly indicating that Honey has been massively defrauding basically everyone who does any business with them at every level, including influencers, customers, and actual retailers.

the short version of ONE of the alleged crimes is that they've been hijacking referral links and codes. if you have honey installed on your browser at all, and you use any referral code from anyone, there is a high probability honey will swap out the referral link identifier for their own even if they don't provide a coupon at checkout.

they also are just lying to you, and hiding coupons that very much exist. they're completely fraudulent

paypal bought honey in 2019 for 4 billion, so paypal has been strip mining the influencer economy for 5 years now. the amount of money that's been essentially stolen is unfathomable

[oakdrawss]

^my take on the tommyinnit french hating discourse

[oakdrawss]

"However, there is no award for accidentally befriending the most groomers. If there was though, it would probably go to me"

[oakdrawss]

[oakdrawss]

you can take a quick pause from writing to fact-check something on the internet. but watch out

[oakdrawss]

"Tell Tommy that I hope he finds what he is looking for, whatever that is."