nyssatheunique-blog

[nyssatheunique-blog]

4/28/17

it was supposed to be a good day. our 5 year anniversary. i ruined everything by having a full blown panic attack. now he won't speak to me. i fucked up everyone's afternoon/ evening. im super fucking depressed. i hope i can finally calm down enough to eat something today. it had been months since i had one. i thought i was doing good and it snuck up out of nowhere. i feel worthless. heartbroken, esp for everyone else i affected today. i wish it was controllable.

[nyssatheunique-blog]

4/27/17

super tired today. slept like absolute shit. woke up every hour last night for no reason. after about the 3rd time, woke up in puddles of sweat. ive never been a person to sweat. not till after i had kids i even ever had to wear deodorant. so to wake up in sweat all the way from my neck to my feet. my bed covered so much that i couldn't lay back down in my bed even after hours of the fan blowing on it to dry, was still soaked. same with blankets. it was a rough night for sure. the weather was so cold and damp today. had my whole body aching. on top of the massive back strain ive been dealing with past few days. i got the period from hell. so cramped up and bloated. bleeding like a shark could smell me from the ocean and I'm all the way in the mid west. worked all day cooking food. got a lot of compliments from customers with our new food program. more specifically for creating veggie pizzas to the menu. apparently a huge success.  i don't want to step on my coworker/ friends toes since they had her start the program and they're bringing me in to be a floater in case they need work coverage and yet my ideas, suggestions, and improvements are just flowing right through me. i made new daily logs for food production, waste, food Temps, and thermometer calibrations today too from scratch. this overly religious over bearing coworker who doesn't do shit but say she doesn't want to be there all day drives me nuts. she spent at least an hour in the cooler and literally nothing from the pepsi order has been touched. so of course me being me, i took it upon myself and fixed the entire poop cooler with a friendly coworker to help. i like that i can finally have decent days at work when I'm not around all the ignorant fucks. luckily for the weather boys baseball practice was canceled so came home after a long day to put away 8 baskets of the boys laundry away. of course my youngest was quick to help and learn. and my oldest just sits there and complains and cries. yet i help him and we get it done so quickly. i asked him if it was really that bad and he said no. that's one thing i still have trouble with myself is just getting over the initial mental struggle to get the task done. realizing after all the procrastination it's not as big of monster as i think. i just gotta get my head right and hopefully show my children the same. i was so exhausted after my shower that i passed out for good 2 hours. yet i get woken up by hubby to make the kids dinner and put them in bed even though he's just been playing video games all night. i have them last night's dinner leftovers and left it at that. i had been cooking all day as it was and my body pretty much hates me right now. just not in the mood. I'm looking forward to tomorrow as today was our 5 year anniversary. i look forward to going to this dinner all year long, as it's my favorite restaurant in the world. i think about this dinner all year long and get more excited about it than my birthday. or really any other day. lol.  i love food, and the food there. laying here with my heating pad. eating a pizza lunchable for dinner cause i just don't want to move. making that snack station end table was the most amazing idea ever. (mini fridge and snack box as a night stand? you bet your sweet ass. I'm kinda enjoying the venting. even if it's too no one other than to let my thoughts and stresses of the day go. i should prob do it more. didn't write over the weekend just because it was prob the best weekend i had in like a year at least. I'm glad ive made these resolutions to just try to enjoy life and get out more cause it's so utterly needed for my sanity to stay intact. 

[nyssatheunique-blog]

4/15/17

work was hell. i like my job, i hate the people there. i hate the way they make me feel. i worked alone on a Saturday. completely busy while the store was audited. completely ridiculous. the cuisines hate things are run and i think i hate it more. my boss literally asked me what 16 minus 6 was. like seriously? you don't understand basic subtraction? oh yeah that's right, you're a high school drop out. running a business you don't understand, never do what you're supposed to do. go on 2 smoke breaks an hour at 10 min a piece while you're 8 months pregnant. mmk.i forgot. my boyfriend constantly thinks i want other people, no i want him, i just wish he'd pay any sort of attention to me. physically, emotionally, spiritually. just like literally anything. i wouldn't want it so bad if i would give me anything willingly. he's constantly pissy,wanting to argue. wanting to say how high maintenance i am,when i do everything and hes the pickiest person in the world. i had to do taxes (yea last day) cause i didn't have my w2's. the kids have bugged me for dinner since i walked in the door. i went to bed early last night with the kids cause i was just too mad to deal with life. not like i didn't have to wake up at 530am anyways. im not supposed to be working weekends and yet I'm always the only one scheduled. I'm tired of fake fucking people. tired of not getting anywhere. I'm just tired.i just want to complain and rant, and not do it on Facebook, i just need to get it out before I explode even more. tomorrow is easter, gotta put everything together and yet i have nothing to do so with. just gonna wing it. i don't care. I'll just be a Nevis wreck.fuck it.