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nyannaswans-blog · 7 years ago

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I hope my son doesn't look at me the way that his father, his family, or my family do.

I seem to literally be Satan in everyone's eyes. Everything bad that happens somehow always seems to be my fault. I'm the reason that the food stamps got cut in half, and now we're just not gonna have anything to eat. I'm the reason that Darren was late on his first day, so if anything bad ever happens with the job, that will be my fault too. I'm called selfish by both, even though I help my mother pay bills and put gas in the car. And Darren wouldn't have a phone, any toiletries, or the few clothes that he has if it wasnt for me.

I try my hardest to be a good daughter and girlfriend, but no matter what I do, it's never good enough. There's always something else I could do, or something that I could do better. I never get any praise for the things that I do right, just constant reminders that I'm not who they want me to be. I don't know what to do to make either of them happy.

And I'm not even happy. With anything. I'm not happy with myself. Or my financial situation, or even my living situation tbh. And it just seems like all the effort I'm putting in to change things around is for nothing. Things are still bad as they were this summer, and 10000x worse than they were this spring. Sometimes it just seems like things are never going to get better.

I know having my son will completely change my outlook on everything. He will make me happy in a way that I never knew was possible. But I want to be able to give him an amazing life. One better than what I had. And I have faith that I'll be able to. Even if I'm miserable for the rest of my life, and never experience personal happiness, if he is happy then I will be too. And as long as he doesn't blame me for everything the way that everyone else does. It hurts bad enough to have my mom and boyfriend call me selfish and essentially tell me that I'm a shitty person, but I couldn't imagine hearing that from my own child. That would truly break my heart.

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nyannaswans-blog · 7 years ago

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I’m so exhausted.

I wish, just for once, someone would take care of me. I wish I could just sit back and relax, without any worries whatsoever, even if it’s just for one day. I’m way too giving, especially to the person I’m in a relationship. I always feel like I’m the provider. I pay for this, and take care of that. And I don’t ever mind, until I actually need financial help, and I never receive it.

I’ve been paying for the phone bill all by myself since I added Darren to my plan. Correction: he’s given me $15 once. I’ve paid for him to eat, bought clothes for him, bought weed/cigars/blacks for him. He’s bought me food, as well. And he always let me hit the blunt. But he’s never bought any clothes for me... Never took me to get my nails done... He’s bought me perfume before. And that’s about it. I hate to sound materialistic, or like I need a man to financially provide for me. But it would be nice to hear “Come on, I’m gonna take you to get your nails done.” or “Come on, we’re going to the mall.” But it would be AMAZING, and literally make me the happiest woman in the world, if I could hear, “Don’t worry about that bill. I’ll take care of it.”

I feel like I take care of myself and him. We don’t take care of each other. I take care of the both of us. And soon, there’s going to be three of us. Then, I’ll be struggling to take care of myself, while also taking care of a grown man and a newborn.

I can’t be pregnant and serve. It involves too much running around, and I just feel like I’m putting the baby at risk. So, I’m working a little retail job. Although, my boss has offered an interview for a key holder position. I’ll get a pay raise and more hours, even though that means I’ll be closing all of the time. But while I’m waiting to hear back from the hospital, it will be good for the time being. Right now, I make about $250 every check (so every two weeks). And by the time I pay my bills/fines, I have around $70 left. And that’s gone before I can even blink. And it’s never on myself.

I’ve wanted these over-the-knee boots since we first got them in the store. This week, employees receive 75% off one item. I could literally get $129 boots for $32... But I can’t. Because I have bills to pay, my mom needs gas, and Darren needs clothes.

I just hope and pray that one day I won’t have to stress about money. I hope that I won’t ever have to worry about how I’m going to pay a bill, or get groceries. I hope I have spending money so that I can get my nails done, or buy new shoes, or even just buy my own bottle of lotion.

One day...

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nyannaswans-blog · 7 years ago

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I love my son with all of my heart, and he is the only reason that I am alive right now. I try so hard to stay calm and relaxed, to keep negative feelings and thoughts away, but it just seems impossible. This should be the happiest time of my life. I should be thinking about baby shower themes, filling out my registry, and spending hours upon hours looking at names. But instead, all I do is cry, work, and try every single day to not completely lose it.

I am happy to be pregnant. Although I wish it was at a more convenient time (like when I have my own place, financial stability, and am emotionally/mentally stable). But it is what it is, and I just have to do what I have to do. My son is already my whole entire world, and I feel so blessed to be his mother. I just hope that he’s feeling the same way. And I hope that the way I mentally and physically feel is not hurting him.

The doctor called me a few days ago to discuss my lab work results and the baby’s ultrasound. My blood work came back positive for the likelihood of a spinal defect, but my ultrasound showed that the baby’s spine looked perfectly normal. Now, I’m sick. Last night, I was up for four hours. I threw up twice, couldn’t stop coughing or sneezing, and I kept having heat flashes that made it hard to go back to sleep. I’ve had a headache for the past two days, a sore throat, and I can tell that my entire body is covered in mucus. Obviously, I have a virus with some real nasty bacteria inside me, but I just hope that it doesn’t directly reach the baby and affect him at all.

I want to give my son the best life possible. He deserves it. I’m determined to find a good-paying full-time job, get my car fixed, and boost my credit score. Although living with my mom is convenient for babysitting purposes (and just overall advice and help with the baby), I need to stop relying on other people for help. I don’t want to rely on anyone for anything.

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nyannaswans-blog · 7 years ago

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I feel as though I’ll be taking care of the baby myself. I wish it wouldn’t be this way, but it is what it is. I’ve gotten paid twice already (so I’ve already worked for about a month), and I start job #2 on Wednesday. And I’m already 20 weeks pregnant. It seems far, but I know the baby will be here before I even know it.

But Darren still doesn’t have a job. And it seems like he’s more worried about starting this marketing group (which he needs money for, for it to even take off the ground) than he is about getting a real job to help us out or to save for the baby. Since April, I’ve been paying for the $100+ phone bill all by myself. So far, that’s at least $500+ spent for OUR two lines, and he’s only given me $15 for the bill before. And I had to ask for that. He’s at home all day long, and if he’s high, will eat up the fridge. My mom uses her EBT to bring that food in, and we’ve been pinching for the end of the last two months because they get used up so quick. We have a crazy carpool situation, because I haven’t gotten my car fixed yet. So I try to help my mom out with gas money. And eventually, her rent is going to go up, and we already promised to pay the difference. Not to mention that I have student loans and a fine to pay off; soon, I’ll have to pay car insurance and my own gas costs; and, most importantly, WE’RE HAVING A BABY. There just doesn’t seem to be any sense of urgency whatsoever.

I’ve never been more stressed out than I am now. I have to rack my brain and worry about how I’m going to start making enough money to take care of the necessities, start preparing for the baby, saving up for my own place, and figure out how to squeeze in some time and money to take care of myself. Every time I think about it, I just completely break down. Because I want so badly to have/be the very best for my child. I don’t want my child to ever have to grow up like he/she’s parents did, or to ever have to wish for anything. I want to make sure that my baby is set for life before he/she is even born.

I just hope and pray that everything will work out in my favor

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nyannaswans-blog · 7 years ago

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I wish I was special.

I wish there was something about me that would draw people to me. I don't mean other boys, or anyone else in a romantic way. I want Darren, and only him. I have ever since I first met him. I want him to feel the same way, find me irresistible, be proud of the fact that I'm his girl. But I don't think he does, for the exact reason mentioned above.

I'm nothing exciting or out of the ordinary. I'm not breathtakingly beautiful, with distinct facial features or an amazing body. I have a long, lanky body (barely any curves at all); small, brown eyes that currently have to be hidden behind glasses; a flat nose; average-sized lips; acne-prone skin with dark marks; and long, black hair. All legs, average-sized boobs, barely any butt.

I'm not that interesting. I've played some instruments, played two sports, used to sing a little bit. But 8 out of 10 people can all say the same thing. I'm really smart and have always been a good writer, but I don't have anything to show for that. I flunked outta college during my one and only semester. And I fucked up a whole lot in high school.

I'm not 100% mentally stable. Only about 90%. I'm "sensitive" and "temperamental". I cry easily. And I take everything personally. I'm not really funny. Nowadays, I'm not too great at holding a conversation. I feel like my own boyfriend and family just want me to shut up and leave them alone most of the time.

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nyannaswans-blog · 7 years ago

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It makes no sense whatsoever.

Darren will get mad because of something that happened in my past, something that happened long before I even knew of his existence. But I never have a right to get upset at the fact that he was talking to other females while he was “committed” to me, one of those females being his ex. He even tried to make plans with his friend to go see her!!! I’ve never once spoken to my ex. I’ve checked his social media once, just to make sure he’s still alive and well. Because the last time I spoke to him, he was inside a mental institution, after being diagnosed as a schizophrenic.

I don’t understand how guys can get mad at girls for having a past before them, but never vice versa. Even if something happens during the relationship, it’s still unacceptable for us to get mad or upset. Of course, at the time of the discovery, but afterwards? Oh, no. Lol. You point out something, and they just point out something else.

So, I don’t see a point anymore in arguing or going back and forth. And that includes a decent amount of things, but him talking to other females definitely being number one. Because ever since then, I’ve never really felt the security that I first felt when we got together. And of course, it’s affected my self-confidence. I wish that it hadn’t, but it has. Now, I compare myself to other girls all the time. I mean, I did before. But now it’s pretty bad. Especially if they resemble the girls that he was trying to get. Every time he’s on any social media site, I feel like he’s stalking some beautiful girl’s page, even though he’s most likely not.

I just wish I wasn’t like this.

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nyannaswans-blog · 7 years ago

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Every single day, I’m crying.

All I want is to be happy and to be able to enjoy my pregnancy, but everyday there’s something. Everyday, someone has to point out what I do wrong, what I don’t do, what I should do, etc. Everyday, I have someone tell me that I’m this or that. I’m selfish. I’m too emotional. I don’t cook. I don’t clean. I always have an attitude. This and that.

Hardly anybody compliments me, or tells me something positive. Darren will tell me that I look good, or congratulate me on something. But whenever we fight, he’s quick to tell me that I’m selfish, or that I don’t do something for him.

I used to be one of those people who tried to point out the negatives of a person during an argument. But I learned that it’s best to just stay quiet. That way, only one person will get hurt (nine times out of ten, it’s me).

I’ve said this before, but I really think I should just put on a brave face and (at least look) positive at all times. If something’s bothering me, I should deal with it myself. I’m a big girl now, and I should start acting like it.

I know I’m pregnant, with these raging hormones, so that’s why I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat and for so long. But I need to get my act together. It’s time to put on my big girl pants, and stop acting like such a little kid.

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nyannaswans-blog · 7 years ago

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There is always a silver lining...

I first realized that I’m not the type of person that good things happen to, when I finally came to terms with the fact that my dad has no interest in being in my life.

The second time was when I was in elementary school, and I first heard the people who I thought were my “friends” talk about me behind my back. Ugly. Weird. BFG.

The third time was the first time that I was literally seconds away from being sexually assaulted. By someone that I knew very well and trusted.

The fourth time was the first time I got hit by a male. I wish I could say it was just one boy and one time. But unfortunately, that’s not the case.

The fifth time was when I couldn’t eat or sleep anymore, and all I wanted to do was die.

The sixth time was when my ex hit me, called me every name in the book (including worthless, ugly, etc.) then forced me to have sex with him, within the same 24 hours.

The seventh time was when that same ex cheated on me (had sex with a girl he went to school with who had recently become a prostitute), right after I had had a miscarriage.

The eighth time was when I moved to Myrtle Beach, and my life became even worse than it had been before. My mental health plummeted to the ground. I stopped going to my classes mid-semester, and wasted $1200 (I’m to blame completely). I messed up relationships with my family members. And ruined any chance I had of starting a new, exciting life outside of Pottstown.

I don’t really want to believe that I’m just one of those unfortunate people who’ve been dealt the shitty card of life, but so many events have proven that to be true. I don’t think that I’m going to the type of woman who lives in a white-picket fence house with a dog, loving family and friends, and a husband who kisses the ground that I walk on (and vice versa). I think it will just be me and my unborn child. Of course I’ll have a place of my own (most likely an apartment or condo), my mom and my sister, and my daughter/son will have a father who holds shared custody of her/him.

I want to start a successful career, with my child and the love of my life in tow.. But I just don’t think it will happen.

I’m not what Darren wants, even though he claims that I am. Us splitting up would devastate me beyond reasoning; it’d borderline almost kill me. But I hate feeling as though I’m holding someone hostage.He said so himself within the first few months of us dating that he wanted to break up with me, that he’d rather be single. He talked to different girls for at least a month out of our relationship, probably even more. And would probably still be doing so if I hadn’t caught him...He was even talking to his ex... planning with his friend (that he would bring me around almost daily) to drive two hours away to go see her. Even though he wasn’t working, he was willing to figure out a way to get enough money to visit her... I always wondered what kind of excuse he would give me... Because you obviously don’t say, “Hey, babe. I’m going to visit my ex, who I’ve been talking to for the past couple weeks. It’ll take me about two hours, but I’ll let you know when I get there safe. Love you!” ....No. It would’ve been some bs excuse that didn’t even make sense. But he wouldn’t have even cared about how dumb he sounded, or my suspicions. Just as long as he could see her...

I don’t think that he wants to be with me. He tells me that he does, but those are just words. I’ve learned in my lifetime that words are truly meaningless and empty. People have made me so many promises (which ended up being broken) and made so many declarations (which also proved to be false). I think he has just gotten so used to me, that, at the moment, he can’t really picture himself without me. And on top of that, I’m having his baby. But what he most likely doesn’t understand is that a child does not necessarily needs his or her parents to be together. They just need both parents to play active roles in his or her life. I wouldn’t be mad if he were to walk up to me right now and say that he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I’d be upset, but I would not get angry or petty. I would just thank him for the time we spent together, and assure him that I would never take his child away from him.

There is one amazing thing about my life, that I wish I could let everyone in the world know about. I’m pregnant with the most beautiful, perfect baby in the entire world. Tomorrow marks 18 weeks, and I hope the remaining 22 fly by. I don’t know yet if I’m having a boy or girl, although I’m about 99.9% sure that it’s a girl. I can’t wait to meet her (or him). I already know she (or he) will be absolutely beautiful and such a good baby. It’s going to be love at first sight, and I’m so excited for that moment! I literally get butterflies just thinking about it, and then little peanut starts poking me and it just gets me even more hype!

Everyone makes it seem as though getting pregnant young (I’m 19 currently; 20 in about 3 weeks) is the worst thing in the world. But now that I am, I couldn’t imagine anything being better for me. I’m finally starting to grow up and become more of an adult. I don’t have everything quite figured out yet, but I’m well on my way. Also, I know this connection she (or he) and I will have will be on an entirely different level that only the two of us will ever be able to understand. This baby is truly the love of my life and is already my very best friend. Whenever I start to feel down or upset, I just remember that I have the most perfect little human being growing inside of me, and then nothing seems as bad anymore.

I’m giving my entire life to my baby. From now on, every decision and action will be made with my child in mind. I will do whatever it is that I have to do to make sure my babygirl (or babyboy) has everything that they need and could ever possibly want. I love her (or him) more than words could ever describe and am so proud to be her (or his) mommy.

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