nyankyoku

[nyankyoku]

I feel as though my social(?) radar is off somehow. The TV show threw me off today. They spoke about being able to respond to a message from your ex, or being able to greet your ex in public with grace. I hope I never run into her but if I did, I’m not about to go up to her to say hello. I wouldn’t even approach her.

Was my response to her too overboard? How is it that she was able to recover to that extent so quickly, to be able to reach out to me that way? Why did she still want to be friends- surely that was masking some kind of hidden, selfish intent? I’ve never felt like she’s ever done anything truly selfless for me. Never, ever. Everything she’s ever done, included her interests in it somehow. This isn’t wrong, but it isn’t selfless. Is it wrong to expect a bit of selflessness sometimes? As I am right now, I’m absolutely convinced that she wanted to be friends with me for her own selfish reasons, like perhaps not wanting to be completely alone, wanting a friend to fall back on, an extra on the texting bench for her validation. I partly didn’t accept because I knew she would pull stupid stunts like trying to introduce me to her new girlfriend, and I knew I would be sad about it. Not because I still covet that spot, but the envy of seeing yet another relationship blossom for someone I used to be close to would truly get to something deep within me. It’d be a punch to the very core of my being. It would trigger my deep fear of never being picked, of being on the bench forever.

Genuinely, fears aside, if she were to get a new girlfriend I would be happy for her, and hope that it is a good match for her. I just honestly, honestly don’t want it shoved in my face, so why would I put myself in a position where I’d be vulnerable to that possibility. I fear my fear, I fear what my fear will do to me, and I fear my reaction to my fear. It’s a very different feeling to wanting to be with the person in question. And I don’t want to be her friend because I truly don’t think she deserves my friendship, and I don’t ever want to be in that spot where I’m that vulnerable ever again. She sucked everything out of me. My time, my energy, my affection. Everything. She took it because I offered it, and she took it like she was entitled to it. There’s nothing wrong with taking something someone offers, but... there’s something morally off about taking without giving a damn about the giver. There should be some responsibility on the taker’s part to show self-restraint and consideration towards someone being generous with you. She never showed me that. I keep having this image of her eulogising our relationship because she has the register to; her eulogy will glorify me as the generous giver, but it was only useful to the extent that it “saved” her from her past with her ex, however I was too immature, too riddled with all these other problems that had absolutely nothing to do with her, and she’d exhausted her entire capacity to reform me into someone dateable, thus she was left with no choice but to cut me off. Her eulogy will make everything I say the words of a lunatic. An immature, toxic lunatic.

I don’t even know if she broke down in front of friends and cried about us, or how she told her mum we’d broken up. I do not want to be friends with her. That I am sure of. I cannot go back to the dynamic between us, where I felt so hopeless, so powerless, and just... less than her, in every way. I had to become someone else around her, and it was stifling. Not only that, she stomped on the very identity I tried so desperately to hide around her, in an effort to seem like her equal. And I was regaled endlessly with tales of how she dated other girls whom she clearly regarded as her equals. I don’t want to be her friend because I believe, and have experienced, the absolute imbalance of power in our dynamics. I don’t ever want to feel like that ever again, so I refuse to maintain any sort of connection with her.

We were simply a terrible, terrible match. She was a terrible, absolutely horrible match for me, as a romantic partner. I’ve gained a bit of respect for myself, enough to recognise, know and hold firm to what I want. I was so unhappy about everything about my life with her. Not having her around has helped me to appreciate everything about my life again. I’m happy with what I have, truly. But I’m still trying to process all the damage that was done. I don’t mourn the fact that she was a terrible partner for me; rather, I mourn myself for allowing such violence be done to me.

[nyankyoku]

She doesn’t even curate any of her social media posts. She simply has a good time, a genuinely good time, and uploads all of it onto her social media for remembrance. I can’t even be consoled by the fact that it’s perhaps a pretentious facade masking some deeper underlying unhappiness, because it’s not. It’s a factual, somewhat embarrassed from the happiness, account of what happened. And by god she looks so blissfully happy with him. How is it that some people are able to get it so right on the first go?

[nyankyoku]

Even now, now that I have a girlfriend I really care about, I feel as though I’m brandishing a counterfeit ticket, trying to get into the “Happiness Club” with everyone else. My ticket isn’t real because my relationship is LDR. It’ll do for the meantime, I imagine people saying, probably in a meaner way behind my back. But she’s otherwise really just single isn’t she.

[nyankyoku]

Reading back on my past cries for help on orionnoarika when I was still with her... wow. There are so many specific instances that I’d forgotten, and only the general memories of how bad the relationship was remain. Time really has its ways of smoothing things over and making things seem like they weren’t so bad in your head. So I’m glad I wrote those entries down. It’s almost like visiting a war memorial, and reading a recount of a horrible war story.

I hate that, from her perspective and her recount of our relationship, I will probably be reduced to nothing more than a blip in her system; a blip that she needed to get going, but for some strange reason, the blip faded out for no reason of her doing. I will be the blip that was undyingly in love with her, yet somehow totally incompatible. She’ll recount all the things that she did for me too- how she helped me out of my shell, how she got me to open up, but sadly, I was too much of a goner, beyond her ability to save me back, so she had no choice but to let me go. I will be nothing more than the blip she only took 5 months to get over, after me suffering through a miserable 2+ years with her. No one will truly know how bad it was for me, while she stands on her white marble podium surrounded with flowers, delivering the eulogy to our dead relationship. I desperately want to speak but I’m deemed too crazy.

[nyankyoku]

I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring your calls and messages. I’m simply not in a robust enough state of mind to listen to your issues. I’m spent with my girlfriend as it is.

I’m sorry I’m not even apologising with my whole heart now. I just want this guilt rid of me because it’s looming over me like a dark cloud, and it’s sapping my energy. Am I being terribly selfish? Probably...

I feel for you and I’m sorry about what you’re going through, but I really cannot help you as it is. I have nothing left to give anymore. I can’t tell you that I can’t help you because that would be weird. I disliked the businesslike way you told me to ring you, like as though you were entitled to my time. I hate it when people place themselves at the best seat at the table without even trying to take the worst seat first, because I’ve been brought up to take the floor. I almost hate it that people so righteously occupy the space they’re entitled to, without trying to give it away first, because that’s the total opposite of my mum. My mum is the kind of person who, for instance, at a fancy dinner party, if for whatever reason there weren’t enough spoons for soup, she’d take a knife and use it to drink, and meekly refuse all attempts from everyone around her to find her a spoon. She’d insist that the knife was working just fine. She’d think she was being considerate, almost Mother Theresa like in her attempt to spare everyone the work of finding a spoon for her, but in reality it’s just painfully awkward for everyone else in the room to see someone so inconvenienced by an issue that would’ve otherwise taken 5 seconds to fix. My mum, for perhaps a combination of her abusive, controlling husband, and her meek personality, is so cut off from the rest of the world... she has no friends, she has no direction. Her children is all that give her meaning so I fear what will happen when we leave. There is no friendship between her and her husband- the house will be a lonely place for her.

[nyankyoku]

“Some people are just garbage. They just want to alleviate their guilt and they need to control the narrative and be the hero in their own narrative. Friendship should be organic and earned, not a default stepdown.”

This resonates with me so much it’s ridiculous. It’s been months, but my mind still sometimes thinks about the email she sent me, about wanting to be friends. I don’t want to be her friend. Nothing’s changed on that front. But for some reason I still can’t seem to “get over” how rude and disrespectful the act of her asking, demanding my friendship was, after she broke up with me when I was at my lowest. There is no way she can pretend like it was a mutual break up. I was so confused and scared the day after, I wanted to hear her say she was willing to work things out with me, even though I knew I didn’t really intend to stay. I knew what I needed but I was too weak to know or admit what I needed. The conversation we had after we broke up was so confusing for me. I cried my eyes out and refused to see her. She sounded like she was making a business call. It hurt to hear her speak like we were simply talking about a minor disagreement, and it made me feel so disposable. It reaffirmed that our relationship was nowhere near as spectacular as any of her previous ones, just as she’d made me feel during our entire relationship. She wasn’t bawling her eyes out like she was for her previous girlfriend. The way she seemingly detached from me, how she was able to tell me she had to go because she was going out to dinner, told me that I was absolutely worthless. And this was the problem with us. I had this underlying “negative story” of feeling worthless. She had this extraordinary talent of dragging this out completely into the open, shining a white hot light on it and making this insecurity of mine writhe and shrivel in pain.

And then came the email. She wrote that she was keeping up her end of the deal about wanting to be friends, like the honourable person that she is. Because she’s ready to be friends. Because she’s over me completely. It absolutely and terribly frustrates me how rude and terrible she can be. I hate how the break up was on her terms, and even now, she’s trying to ex me on her terms. She completely has no respect for me as a person and it’s still showing so blatantly. She wants to control this narrative and she demanded to be friends with me on her terms. That, and she wants to ease her guilt for dumping me in the heat of the moment. How low of a person can you be, to barge back into my life, demanding my friendship like it’s your right to, simply because we’ve had a relationship? Do not give me the bullshit that it’s because of “the kind of person” I am. Even a baby could see through your intentions. You simply want my friendship to alleviate your guilt, to absolve you from your role in our relationship not working out. You disgustingly, selfishly want the affirmation that you are still the brilliant victim you imagine yourself to be in this situation. Even after I finally told you about the accident, your response was super telling once more- you reflexively put the blame back on me for not telling you about it. No “i’m sorry that happened to you”, or anything. It was once again, my responsibility to have told you about it.

Thank fucking GOD I got your message when I did, and not any earlier. I finally understood that my friendship belonged to me and it is my right to give. I do not owe anyone my friendship simply because they ask for it. Thank fucking God I understood this when your message came along. I don’t want your fucking friendship, and I’m certainly not going to give you my friendship. I do not give my friendship to people who act like it’s their birthright. Friendships are earned. You can’t simply waltz back into someone’s life and demand that they be your friend again, simply because you’re ready to.

[nyankyoku]

None of them said thank you to any of the waitstaff.

She spoke to the waitstaff in a demanding way, not trying to work with them to get what she wants.

She ate in a very uncultured manner that made you wonder if this was what she meant.

Table manners is so important.

[nyankyoku]

Electricity by Dua Lipa sounds like the city at night. A really, really happy date at night.

It sounds like memories of our romantic first date at night, as she suggested we walk through the iconic City Hall walk to Suntec and Millennia Walk, and when we emerged from Millennia Walk, and walked along the road towards MBS, and when we crossed the Helix bridge. When we wandered through the closed MBS at night... the dimly lit luxury shops that were closed, looming over us grandly like a giant entertainer asleep, to the food court to get water, with her by my side.

When we emerged from Suntec into the night humidity, and seeing the towering skyscrapers illuminating the sky so grandly.. and as we sat under the illuminated palm trees, talking our hearts out, letting our words run so freely, uninhibited. I told her all about the people in my family. She listened to me with such close intent. It was impossible not to fall in love.. it pressed every single one of my romance buttons like whoa.

That carefree feeling of flying through the night air, through the lights illuminating the path at night. There’s something about the magic of the Singaporean city at night... it revives me. Especially when I’m sharing it with someone special like that.

The song sounds like me, dancing in a celebratory way in the city at the night, relishing in the euphoria of that awesome first datenight, and celebrating the fact that I’ve found someone amazing who’d brought me on an amazing date like that.

[nyankyoku]

I was so nervous today going to meet my cousin and second cousin. I thought I was going to be wrecked to see the way my second cousin would be worshipping the ground my sister walked on, while turning her nose up at me because of the way I looked. It wasn’t the case at all. In fact, it was really nice to spend time with everyone like this. In a way, it was a dream come true, or a fear addressed? I was worried my generation wouldn’t keep in solid contact the way the generation above us does. Like our extended family would dissipate without the hold of the generation above us. But today... we all hung out. In the absence of the gen above us. Something that we would never have done in the past. And it was nice spending time with them like this. I got to know the two of them better. Things that wouldn’t otherwise really pop-up unless you spent time with them like this. Observing the way they say things, and drawing inferences of their character. Like my cousin is actually a super adrenaline junkie. SHe loves rollercoasters, scares, and strong tasting food. She’s actually a very intense person? And my second cousin is the opposite almost. She doesn’t like rollercoaster rides or scares, and she doesn’t like living things. She’s actually quite a simple, but different person? Not someone who’s quite on the same frequency as me, but nice nonetheless. But it’s lovely the way our little core “auntie” group gels. Everyone just gets along, and there’s the added bonus of us actually being actual family.

Being with family, and being with her, brought the life back to me. I could fully be my funny, exuberant, lively self in these contexts. I felt like who I really am. The intense, fighting me. I felt like a newly transformed magical girl, finally being allowed to transform at full power again. I feel affirmed that I am funny. I can celebrate my creativity through my exuberance, and witty banter. I feel alive again. I’m sad about going back into lockdown...

[nyankyoku]

This trip to Singapore has been absolutely magical. It’s done me far more good that I’d have imagined...

Coming back to Singapore, I honestly didn’t think I’d be welcomed half as much as I was. I didn’t know I missed the sense of community, the sense of connection, the sense of absolutely everything. And of course, finally getting to meet her. I was so nervous before meeting her because I was so worried I wasn’t going to be able to open my heart to her, especially with the timing of the horrible email. 

As soon as we met, it was like whoa. I felt comfortable with her straightaway. She’s very loving, she tries. She so desperately wants to please me. She’s so in tune with my feelings, she’s so considerate. I’m not jumping and bouncing off the walls as I once was for a crush, but it feels like I’m rejoicing maturely in my heart. I feel a bit bad that I’m not bouncing off the walls, but perhaps this is a natural change in the way I celebrate a crush...? Her dates have been nothing short of amazing. I met her on the night of the second of november, in her neighbourhood after her work. She insisted on taking me to Kallang stadium area.. I’d never been there, but my god that place was absolutely romantic. We found a spot on the elevated platform, and sat really close to each other, holding hands... The city view at night, coupled with the sense of us being completely alone, as we held and rubbed hands... she wanted to try my cream, so I rubbed it into her strong, solid hands. I wanted to melt everytime she ran her hands shyly across my back. I leaned on her shoulder and wanted to stay like that forever. Neither of us wanted to leave... and before we left, she acknowledged the fact that we probably would have to behave in the taxi on the way home. But as soon as we got into the taxi, she swiftly put her bag up, confidently and determinedly took my hand, and held it there like that. I tried to keep a straight face but I was beaming on the inside. For the rest of the ride, we were literally leaning into each other, and staring into each other’s eyes, like neither of us wanted to leave. If the cabbie was observant, he’d have known we were more than regular friends... I love how she made an effort like that. She acknowledged the circumstances, but she found a way to hold my hands anyway, because it felt like she wanted to touch me. I also love the tone of her voice, it’s so calming and safe. The way she touches me, and responds to my touch... she feels so comfortable and safe. So sure and steady. I love the way she always stops to go back to ask me about what I was saying. She wants to know all about my day. I’m so sexually attracted to her as well... it’s the first time I’ve ever truly felt like this about someone. Not to compare, but this feels so much nicer than what I came from. I just sincerely hope I can be someone who can fulfill her needs... I really hope I’m what she’s looking for.

[nyankyoku]

Had the best date ever today. I was running late and had to change our original plans because I visited family and bestie, but she was so sweet.. she came down all the way to the neighbourhood I was in to see me. Then from there, we went to the Botanic Gardens, and she picked the best restaurant, amid the lush greenery... gosh I fell in love. The food was amazing too, Absolutely loved the watermelon and rosemary, and blueberries, and basil, and raspberry puree drink I had. They forgot about our truffle fries, so we got the drinks on the house. Our conversation just flowed so naturally.. I don’t ever want to forget that view of her, in the restaurant, from my perspective. Then when we left, we walked through Botanic Gardens in the evening. My god it was romantic. I held onto her arm, and she did mine too.. I love the way she grips me back with such strength. And we just held onto each other like we meant it. Earlier that day she even went all the way to get chocolate tarts, and the keychain I wanted, for me. No one’s ever gone to those lengths for me before... I was so happy. She’s so sweet and I can’t wait to see where this takes us. Her dates.. just resonate with me so much. The late night stroll through the garden, amidst nature, holding onto each other.. Then later she prolonged our time together by wanting to walk with me. Finally, when we got on the bus, and we had to say goodbye, it felt like we’d been dating for a long time. Her longing goodbye.. was so sexy, loving and caring all at once. We held hands subtly.. and whispered such loving words. And her look from inside the bus... that longing gaze. I don’t ever want to forget that view. The music colouring this phase is Electricity by Dua Lipa.

[nyankyoku]

I finally got to meet her today, 29/10/2018.

We met at the Harbourfront MRT station, on the “left”. I rang her, and I saw a girl in white in the distance talking on her phone, and walking towards me.

She’s so cute. Our conversation just flowed so naturally the entire time. I got a bit tired and dehydrated towards the end, but the whole entire time.. wow. I could actually feel attracted to her, like there was a kind of electric energy between us. She’s so caring, it’s absolutely ridiculous. She will hold my water bottle for me. She’s so attentive to my needs. She subtly walked us both to the Marina Bay area, I think because she remembered that my dream date was a walk around the city at night. We sat under the palm trees lit by the lights, underneath the twinkle of the lights from the skyscrapers... my god it was enough to make my ovaries explore. I just wanted to touch her. I felt a bit nervous around her. Our conversation was just so... natural. I felt like I could be all of myself around her. Later she texted me saying that she thinks she’s starting to like me... all of this just feels too good to be true. It almost feels like the universe is building me up for my downfall. (extremely tired so I can’t document this amazing date the way it deserves to be documented)

[nyankyoku]

Travelling back to sg this time, Oct 2018, was like a movie. 

At the airport, Dad dropped me off like an adult. I felt like I was the estranged daughter, returning to the big crazy family, unsure of what to expect. I pretended to be a professor. A professional on a business trip, tired, worldly, but completely self-sufficient. Returning to sg this time didn’t feel like me, a kid, going home. I felt a bit uneasy leaving Perth behind, because it felt like I had finally put down my own roots in Perth. This is the first time I’ve ever felt like this.

On top of all of that, she randomly messaged me. I had to power through all of that, on top of being on a plane. It felt a bit like Robert Langdon. I was an adult, but with fears that would flash by like a movie in flickering moments of weakness.

Arriving back, it was like I’d never left. Family welcomed me home with open arms. SG felt like a huge crazy loving family. The other family in the other country, the crazy community. But for once I wasn’t clinging onto SG like I was trying to avoid Perth. It really felt like I had two parents, two completely different styles, but both love me to death in their own way.

[nyankyoku]

A very small part of me wondered if this was the end, an inbox full of spam emails and nothing from her.

Then yesterday out of the blue she emailed me again. I didn’t open it but I read the preview. She wants to meet in person. Everything that was written, sounds just as selfish and demanding as ever. I hope you’re ok. I wanted to drop a note to see how you were doing, and not, how are you? Hope you’re ok. I want to meet, when you’re ready. It brings up so much old anger.

I so desperately want to blast her back. I don’t know what’s holding me back. In my head I keep rehearsing. No, there will be no need. I’m not going to contact you any further. Good bye. I don’t want her to be over me so quickly because she deserves to suffer more aboutme. Especially after everything she put me through. She doesn’t deserve me cutting her off so cleanly.

[nyankyoku]

The whole house buying saga has been a crazy ride. In a way it mirrors my romantic life so far.

So I started off with the Queens Park unit. My initial impression was that I didn’t like it, because of the airplane noise mainly. Fast forward months later, sis has gone to SG, I’m left feeling like a complete loser in life, and I convince myself QP isn’t too bad, because location wise it’s actually great. I go see the house on a weekend for the second time, this time around I know I actually could afford it (I started the application process wanting to buy the QP property anyway), I make an informal offer with the housing agent. The first time I was introduced to the QP property, I did like it. I did fall in love with it looks wise, because it was airy and fresh. I found a back facing property which I felt was secure too. Second time I went to see it, the agent sort of pushed me to sign immediately, even though I wasn’t expecting to make an offer (had no idea how the whole property buying dance worked). There was another lady there who was collecting the keys for her daughter, and the agent was sort of dismissive of her, like wanting to get rid of her to serve me? So I signed, contract was all ready to go, but couple of days later the property agent calls me, I thought my offer hadn’t gone through, but it did. However the agent has made a mistake with the papers, and I need to resign. She felt a bit pushy. I spend the next few days absolutely dreading having tell Mum about the property. Mum hates the QP property. Absolutely hates it. We talk and a few things that she says struck a chord with me- she said she was the type to keep pushing for the best for herself, because she believes she can get better. Dad was the type to choose the worst for himself, and never aspired higher. So I go back online and I realised that there is potentially another property I might be able to purchase. This time around, having dealt with QP, I know what matters to me in a property and what I’m looking for, from the features I didn’t like about QP (small windows), I feel miles and miles more confident in knowing what I want, and what I need to ask for this other property. You know what this is? GROWTH. Fingers crossed all goes well with this other property...

[nyankyoku]

I suddenly feel so anxious. I missed out on volunteering today because I was talking to N all night last night... we sexted like no tomorrow. I really, really like N, but honestly I feel like I still maybe haven’t completely healed in order to date her properly? Also this relationship is LDR... something that will have its emotional toil as well. I really like N... she’s literally what I prayed for on paper. She’s super sweet, common interests and we get along amazingly on text. I can’t believe I found someone like that.. but why now. Why now? I wish I were completely healed so I can give all of myself to her. I asked her to be my online wifey today... right off the bat she was concerned about the conditions of our relationship, and we spoke so openly and transparently about it all. It’s amazing how we can talk like this. 

I’m so glad I have this with N, but at the end of the day... I still can’t help but feel that this is only an online relationship. It’s not real. On the other hand, my sister is going to have the most amazing adventure of her life, away from this toxic family, and she’s going to be in a position where she’s getting way more exposure than I am. I know she’s going to be snapped up in an instant, whether she wants to be or not. I’m just going to still be this... lump. Just here. Existing. Not amazing. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve been distancing myself from her, just to make the goodbye a bit easier. She hasn’t made the effort to speak to me. I’m not making the effort anymore. Mum hasn’t forced her to talk to me either. I feel like this isn’t going to matter very much anymore. She’s going to meet someone who’s fabulously rich and they’re going to be living their best lives... leaving all of this behind. She won’t need to reconcile with me, because she has everything she needs.

[nyankyoku]

I desperately hate you. I hate that you ruined so much of me. And I hate that I let you. Now I’m nothing but a blip in your world, when you’ve left such damage in mine. Our relationship was nothing compared to any of your previous ones. You were able to move on so easily, it’s not fucking fair. I just wish you’d disappear so I never have to worry about running into you ever again. I wish you never existed, and we never happened. I want you to know how much you’ve hurt me, but I refuse to give you that power, because you’re nothing but absolute trash to me. I fucking hate you and I want nothing more than to stab you. Please just die already.