nvru

[nvru]

seven minutes thirty three seconds

i know you just called twice but we said nothing. our seven minutes thirty three seconds conversation was bland, filtered, monotonous. all the missed calls, the back and forth the past month for this. wow. great. excellent. rubbish. it was worse than a conversation between two brits about the weather. in truth i have so much to tell you and too much i want to know. are you happy. are you alive. has your dream house been built. are the floors now in. has the varnish finished drying. are you out of the truck. have you been safe on the roads. any more cunts pulled out on you and have you sued them. how is melbourne. how is alex, your dog, your brother, your father. how is your mother but make it quick she was never my favourite nor i hers. how is s h e. a one word answer will suffice. but does she treat you well. are you loved. are you warm. or are you still mine. do you ever miss me. do you still think about me. because i do. five years since and here i am writing still. the question begs. do i really miss you or do i miss the idea of you. do i even know you. and why do i insist on calling when our conversations have never met my expectations and memories of the way we used to converse. your voice. your real voice. the way you made me laugh. the way you teased. the way you made me happy. back then when i could have told you anything at ease and time didn't exist. i would be selfish and keep you on for hours scratching at your mind to entertain and distract me from my own thoughts and reality. you were my reality. my closest confidant and my best friend. my past. did that really happen or did i imagine it. me? i'm okay. i'm fine. the weather's been lovely. sun doesn't set until past nine in the evening. wonderful isn't it. wonderful.

[nvru]

the girl in the poster

i miss you again today and i have no one to talk to about it. no one who already knows too much and hates you. hates us. i can't tell kayla because she would resent me for bringing up what should be left in the past. moreso i can't tell her because our conversations may be the reason i am missing you right now. she is going through what i went through with you. when we were struggling when i was drowning into myself and needed you to make me better (even if only a little), how that hurt you and the guilt that lingers still. i'm missing you right now. not romantically and definitely not sensually. i miss your presence and your being there. i do not remember much anymore but i do remember and miss the way you made me feel a little less mad. you would think i learnt by now after the time, the distance or the others i have fallen for after not to rely on you. not to rely on anyone. and i promise i have grown (i don't think grown is the right word but until i find it, grown it will be for now). from when you knew me as that scared and out of control being. from before when i was drowning, things have slowly stabled and are more manageable. i am still far from shore however. the ground beneath me gives way easily and any help i have sought for has only led to detours and dead ends. i have grown but currently i feel like i am slowly losing control and it is harder to breathe today than it was yesterday. i am still fighting against myself every day to want to exist. i want to be here. i am trying to be here. but sometimes i get the urge not to be. i wish i could still talk to you unfiltered. i wish you had came out to see me last month. god i was so mad i broke apart but i laughed and told you it was okay because it should be. why wouldn't it be. i wish we could exist and know each other without it affecting you or your relationships. so instead another silly blog we go. i lost the last one. everything there has been deleted including the message you sent. the girl in the poster looked nothing like me.