nuttermybutters

[nuttermybutters]

Will They

a poem? i wrote on 5/27/2024 Will my kids have to endure the shame? The guilt? Would they blame themselves too? Will it be my fault? My inability to protect them, to see what’s happening right under my nose? Will they hurt each other in the same ways they were hurt? Will they lose themselves in the what ifs, the memories, forever stuck in that moment. Never able to escape the feeling of uncleanliness, no matter how hard they scrub, how many times they cry themselves to sleep. Will they tell me? Or will they think I won’t believe them, or even worse blame them? What if I try to protect them and it becomes so overbearing I push them right into the hands of a hungry monster. What if I push them away and they don’t think I’m there for them? What if I isolate them so much that it’s easy for someone to swoop in and “save” them. Will I condemn them to the same life I’ve lived? That everyone in my family has lived. No one has escaped it yet. I want to end it but I worry I’ll do the same thing my mom did, or her mom did. Will they escape it? Or even if I try my best and I do perfectly this world is so depraved they couldn’t escape it even if I was superwoman. Why are men and women so disgusting that they’d rip innocence away from them just for fun. Just for pleasure. Just to make them cry. Why do they want to make them cry? I don’t want them to cry. I want my babies to be held safe and warm by anyone who ever enters their lives. I want to destroy any man or woman who would think to harm them. I would die for them just to keep them safe. I want to be the mother that they never fear, they always trust and that loves them endlessly. I want to be a better mom. None of the women in my family have escaped that curse. No children in my family have escaped our curse. None of the men in my family have escaped the curse. Will my children finally escape it? Will I be able to watch them have the life I never could? Will it make me bitter just like my mother? Or will it make me content. Happy and finally truly fulfilled with my life. Will I even be able to have children? Will life take another thing from me? Hasn’t it taken enough. Will I ever get my happy ending or will it always be a struggle? why does my mind betray me so much? Why does my body fail me. Will it ever end? Does it even end when I finally step into the light? Is dying peaceful or will I be tormented again and again? Will I have to relive my torture? My mistakes? My fear, my pain, my heartbreak, my innocence being ripped out of me? Will I have to relive the moment my childhood was stolen from me? When my body bled and my soul died? Will it ever end or will it forever follow me in the back of my mind? will I still randomly think of it and be pulled back under. Trapped in a riptide, fighting needlessly and becoming too tired to swim. Or will I finally be able to rest, letting the current take me out, knowing that I will be drawn back to shore. Knowing I survived and made it out. That I ended the cycle or is my misery a whirlpool. Unrelenting and forever pulling me under. never letting me out. Will my body forever bear the scars? Will it always be a battleground of hatred, shame and ruin? Or will it bloom like a rose. Beautiful despite its thorns. What will I become? What will my children become? Will I ever rest?

[nuttermybutters]

Screaming into the nothingness

TW: Just sad, Mentions of past abuse and CSA I hate being used as a weapon to wound others in arguments. Why would my own mother ever say that about me? Why am I nothing more than an afterthought? All I am to her is a reminder of her mistakes. I was brought into this world by a rebellious daughter and a hateful disgusting man. I was never meant for greatness, my path in life was to serve as a warning to willful adventurous girls. "Be careful or you'll end up pregnant and stuck with an awful man just like (my mom). You know what he did to her and those kids." I hate my mom for resenting me, then babying me through my trauma, then forcing me to "toughen up." I hate my sister for saying my hatred for my mother was manipulated into me. I spent years crying myself to sleep knowing my mom didn't love me as much as her phone, or her men. I would write letters to her begging her to leave her second husband. He made my siblings and I miserable. I hate my brother for becoming the men that made him feel small and dumb for the crime of being a child with emotions. I hate my dad for using my siblings and I as toys and discarding us. I hate my mom and dad for making me feel I am unworthy of love if I am not doing something for them. For my dad it was letting him violate me as a child and for my mom it was raising my siblings and treating me as if I was nothing more than a maid sometimes. I hate myself for not being able to let them go. I've let go of my father, if he could even be called that, but I can't let go of my mother. Or even my stepfather. I want to be loved. I just want my mommy and daddy. I am nothing more than a child begging for her mom and dad to come home. To comfort her, to protect her, to be there. I will never receive that. I will go my whole life with never knowing what true parental love is like. I hope my children never suffer the same fate.

[nuttermybutters]

The Swan

This is an old story and I just wanted to post it to get it out there lol

“I remember this place, running through these halls as a child, playing with the geese, bumping into the maids. Yet I’ve never been here before.” I thought aloud, chuckling at the memories. As I continued exploring the castle the feeling of being watched washed over me. There was something almost familiar about the feeling of the person’s gaze. “And I remember you, though only vaguely at this moment.” As soon as I uttered those words, I heard something clatter and then sound of someone big running away from me. “Wait! Please!” I cried to no avail, the running sounds continuing. In a split-second decision I ran after them begging for them to stop. The thought of being truly alone in that moment terrified me, an uneasy feeling washing over me. Whoever they were, they were fast, faster than me and I soon lost them. Now alone I stood there as the uneasy feeling grew until I could no longer stand being in that hallway. I ran out of there and back into the foyer of the castle breathing heavily, hurt, anger and confusion swirling through my mind at the thought of the strange person abandoning me like that. I was confused as to why, but I didn’t linger on it for long because I heard slow, tentative footsteps heading towards my direction. I didn’t realize I was crying until I stopped to listen to them and heard my sobs ricochet off the courtyard walls. “Please I didn’t mean to make you cry, I just didn’t want to scare you.” A calming voice said trembling with an unknown emotion, the familiarity of it awakening an old and unexplainable heartbreak within me, causing me to fall to my knees sobbing louder than before. “How do I know this place? How do I know you? And why does it hurt so much?” I cried, searching for the mysterious person through blurry eyes. It felt as though I was trapped in a box that was slowly closing in on me, suffocating me with an old and newly awakening sadness. “Breathe my dear, it is ok, you are safe now.” The voice soothed, like a hand running through a frightened child’s hair, and peace washed over me temporarily soothing the suffocating pain. “W-who are you?” I questioned through hiccups. “An old friend,” they rasped, pausing for a second as if to gather their strength, “we knew each other in another life.” They sounded defeated, as if they thought I’d think them crazy, but as it all clicked, I could only mutter a small ‘oh.’ I felt the presence retreat a bit, seemingly shocked. “Do… yo-you believe me?” they stammered, only earning a nod from me. I realized I was still kneeling and quickly stood up, drying my eyes before dusting me knees off.

[nuttermybutters]

Short Story

This story was inspired by a nightmare I had and I figured I'd write it out to help process it better. If I get enough feedback (any at all XD) I'll post more updates to it! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy! Also don't have a name for it yet

TW: SA, noncon, and graphic violence (lmk if there are any more pls)

Tears ran down my face as I stared in horror at the beast before me. Feeling his hot on my face move down as he began sniffing me. “Perfect mate” He growled. NONONO, I cant be his mate. I’ve heard of his kind before, I know what that means. As I think back to everything he did my skin starts to crawl, I feel a heat crawl up my throat and I choke it back. He starts circling me, like a shark with its prey. I know he’s got me. There is no escape, and no one can save me now. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain on my head and fall, and as I black out I hear a sinister chuckle.

*Flashback*

“Wakeupwakeupwakeup!” I hear as I’m shaken awake. Opening my eyes to my bunkmate sitting over me. “Todays the day! We get to do our big witch rituals!” She squeals. I sit up, knocking her off me and my bunk with a crash, and rub the sleep out of my eyes. “Oof! What the hell!” she hops up putting her hands on her hip and tapping her foot. “Should know better by now” I mumble, slowly swinging my legs over the edge of the bed getting ready to get up. “I guess you’re right, anyways everyone else has already headed to the ceremony room! We should get going soon!” God she talks so fast, its so early, I can barely understand her. I get up and quickly get dressed as she rambles on about her new favorite boy toy. I like her but I wish she would just shut up right now.

Once I’m ready we head off to the ceremony room where about 10 students and 3 teachers are conversing excitedly. I can’t help but shake this dreaded feeling off though, like somethings wrong. “Ahem, can I have everyone’s attention for roll call please!” I startle as the microphone feedback and the incredibly loud mic cuts through my thoughts. Mrs. Attenborough then goes through the list of the students and they all call here. “Alys Green? Miss Alys Green are you here?” Oh shit, I keep getting lost in thought. “Here, sorry!” the other students begin snickering. “Thank you for finally responding Miss Green.” She says annoyed. Definitely in trouble.

“Way to go Alys” my bunkmate, Justice, whispers to me. I roll my eyes and try to focus on Mrs. Attenborough’s safety lecture and rules but can’t shake that feeling. If only I knew what kind of trouble I’d be in soon.

*cut to the rituals*

“Alright girls, settle down!” The headmistresses bellow cuts through the voices young witches, excited to become full fledged witches. “Mrs. A has already briefed you on rules and safety so I’m going to go over what we will be doing. Once the moon has begun it’s path to the peak we will take you to our display globe, one by one you will give us a demonstration of a spell you have mastered.” She pauses to run her eyes over the crowd, making sure everyone is listening intently. “We must stress the importance of staying in the globes and away from the forest tonight. These things, especially the full moon, tend to bring out more… let’s say unsavory characters.” With the end of her speech she hops off the stage and starts calling our names in order of household. More powerful witches go last, that way they don’t attract all the monsters and have to defend the weaker witches the rest of the time. Justice and I are higher in our classes so we will be going last.

*a few hours pass*

“Justice Abernathy!” I turn to my friend, seeing her face turn bright red with anxiety and I wish her luck. As she walks towards the headmistress I catch a glimpse of the globe in the dark. It’s a dome of glass covered in various poisonous vine snaking around the whole thing, making it impossible into. I can also see some of the strongest protection, defense and containment wards glowing a light blue. Casting an almost eerie light on the woods behind and ground below. Looking into the woods I swear I can see eyes glowing. The door shuts and my view to the forest is cut off before I can be sure. A sharp ringing indicates the headmistress teleporting Justice into the dome. I pray to the gods her exam goes well, it would be devastating to her and she would have to redo the year. As I’m praying for her I begin to pray for myself, a sense of urgency striking me. I pray for protection, safety, and as I am I feel a thought pushed into my head, as if one of the gods is warning me. “Don’t let him mark you, don’t let him mate you or you will be doomed to him forever.”

“Alys!” My head snaps up as I see my frustrated teacher glower at me. “The headmistress has called upon you. Now go!” She pushes me and before I know it I’ve been teleported into the globe. I look around in surprise, I have a perfect view of the forest and all around me, I thought the vines would block it out but I guess a ward has been set to assist in seeing out.

“Alright Alys, tell us about this spell you will be attempting.” A detached voice comes over the speaker and startles me. “I’m going to be doing a rebirth spell” I sputter out, the dread growing in my stomach but I push it down and begin to chant the spell. I feel a flower beginning to form infront of me and I focus my energy on it envisioning it twisting and becoming something more. A dragon, the first thing I think of, as I do I hear a purr and open my eyes. In my hands is a opalescent colored dragon the size of a quarter. My face falls and I realize how stupid my spell must’ve looked. “A-Alys that was incredible. I have never seen such a vivid depiction of the images in your head. We could actually see the flower being formed into a dragon. We have not had a successful rebirth spell in decades, let alone one involving a dragon.” The voice on the speaker pours over how well I did that and I can’t help but tune her out as I feel a power flow through me. Still holding the dragon gently in my hands i close my eyes and watch the dragon in my mind take shape, I give her wings, a beautiful tail and ridges along it’s body to protect it from any predators. The power begins to surge stronger as I feel the moon peak. I push more power into my hands as I give it the gift of ice and water. I open my eyes again and see my little dragon has become a capable predator, though her size takes away from that, she will grow with time and become beautiful and fearsome. I nuzzle her gently as to imprint upon her, I don’t want my creation to kill me after all. After that show of power I hear many praises and I feel pride surge through me and I tuck my little Skadi onto my shoulder to perch.

[nuttermybutters]

Picture this, you're stressed out because Covid and climate change finds you out of a job and now you can't pay for dental work so as you listen to the hold music to the dental clinic to cancel your wisdom teeth surgery you log into tumblr to calm your nerves only to be greeted by a Destiel meme informing you that the word flashing is banned and you realise fellow tumblr users can't use a warning for post that could trigger your epilepsy. Imagine this, you're now afraid and there's nothing you can do, no tag to filter out, no warning to safe you.