numrad

[numrad]

ok

[numrad]

11th dec, 5:00am

"I lost faith in myself, " I say to myself as i wake up.

(2pm is my respiratory system final retake).

[numrad]

Struggle day (unknown), account 1

It's 7:30 pm. I have 13-14hrs left to finish with the portions for the exam tomorrow. 10am, Locomoter exam. It's hard. It has a lot of anatomy. Im bad at it because my memory is weak. Also because the subject is dry. I dont like studying what is superficial.

I dont have just anatomy to study for. I need to finish physiology, embryology, histology, biochemistry, pathology, pharamcology, and xommunity medicine for the same Locomoter module. (Thank God microbiology is out). All in 13-14hrs. I need to skim through topics i never studied before. Topics whose classes i havent all attended.

But? Im depressed.

I had a fight/argument with my sisters over my parent's childishness. It was bad. I hoped since a long while now that my only purpose, then, was to bribg my family together, close, with strong foundations of trust and love and loyalty and respect and understanding.

After that fight, I realized its impossible. I dread a future where my sister will walk their own paths, drifting away from each other, from family. Because those are not family values. I thought we were one. Are we? Are we a dysfunctional family. We are. Hence why i made a promise, a purpose, to bring my family together. To fix each other. To bring us all as one.

I wasnt the problem. My sisters werent. My parents werent. We all were, together, the problem. I worked to fix myself. I made sure i was more leniant, understanding, thoughtful, and soft with the other members of my family. I worked. I listened. I had their backs. I hid what they wanted to be hidden. I was there for them. Over all, i listened and understood.

Did they do the same? No.

Did i tell them about my promise? No. I didnt see the need to. If you promise, then work on it. I dont believe in what is verbal. I believe in what must be done.

I learned. What was the point to fight for, when youre the only one fighting for? They werent fighting against me. But they werent fighting for each other.

Why does everything have to revolve around one member of the family? Why the selfishness? Why the narcissm? Why the lack of understanding? No body wants to listen. But everybody wants to be heard.

I was never heard. I was always the only one listening. Always apologizing for my sisters and parents behaviors. Always taking in their mistakes and blaming myself for it. Everything was my fault to them.

I pray im not being selfish. I despise that character.

Oh i pray i pray.

My second sister though, she is a fighter too. Stronger than i am. She is as musch as i am in the pursuit of bringing the family construct together.

Atleast. Im happy. Atleast. Even if it werent for me. Atkeast she is doing it for the other members.

Im depressed. Ive scrolled through insta aimlessly. Through twitter, hoping for new words, but came out worse. Through facebook, aimlessly. Oh amd so many other apps.

Im still laying in bed. My eyes burn from the tears ive shed after the fight. The tears that fear my family's fate: loss, being apart, being strangers. Ive grown tired of fighting.

And i dont want to eat either. My stomach's growling. I dont want to eat. I want to stay hungry.

Also, i havent prayed all 5prayers for 3-4 days straight. I didnt want to. I couldnt. I couldnt get myself to wudhuu. I couldnt get myself to pray. Mentally. Physically i maybe capable. But mentally, i was dead.

I need sleep. I need to sleep this dread off my system. But i cant because of my tight time with trying to finish studying for my exams.

It eats your head. Knowing you never 'really' had parents. I trust neither. Neither listened to me. Neither were there for me. It was always about themselves. Never their children.

Here is my account so far. I feel miserable, and melancholic. Just minutes after i wiped my tears, i visioned myself hanging off the ceiling of this hostel room.

(Im tired. I want to give up. I want to fail this exam. Again.

(,yes my writing is very basic. Yes there are typos. But i cant bring myself to brush up on my writing, and proofread. Im sorry anum if ive failed you.)

[numrad]

I'm tired of reading the same words. Again and again. By different people from across the globe. The same words uttered by tongues of different mouths.

What words you may ask?

Im referring to those words they throw at you when youre in bad times. When youre in the dark. When youre rock bottom. When youre at the verge of falling off the cliff.

Those words they throw at us havent fot any impact. Any substance. Any meaning. Any depth.

They all mean the same one thing: quotes about the destination. Not the journey.

"The destination will be beautiful." "The viee from the top is always beautiful." Etc etc etc.

It's always about how beautiful the destination is. Never, or rarely, about how ugly the journey was. They dont tell you how to get there, how to break through dark waters. They just tell you, "one day" when you do get to the top, it'll be beautiful.

When is that day? How long till that day? Or am i on a rat's wheel, when i know im not?

More so, theyll document the accomplishments. Which is good. But what about the journey? You dont document the journey. What if when you do get to rock bottom, and youll need to reflect on your journey. How will you when none was recorded?

I personally need to go through all my past experiences in order to move on. The tireless words flowing out of mouths never worked to motivate me. Its always the same words. They all tasted the same. No one will speak of the journey. Only the destination. When its the journey that molded you. Not your destination.

Hence why i felt the need to use this as my place of comfort. To write and document my hard times, and what i do to get through them. This is my safe haven. My home. Where ill come back to anytime i need to lift myself up. Ive given up with other people's words. Now i take refuge in mine. I need to listen to what my soul says to me.

Maybe this will help get through my dark days. "How can i not thank the force that kept me alive?"