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nujeskz · 20 hours ago

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𖦹 rewind

22: my shayla 😭😭😭😭

tweets/texts + written

you were curious as to why hana’s best friend wanted to meet all of a sudden. of course, it was a little obvious what the potential topic could be considering the festival was a little over a week ago. anton finally showed up to class today, much quieter than usual but you were happy to see him anyway.

as the lecture comes to an end, bora gestures you to go out in the hall, and once you meet out there, you walk together to the food court.

“how social are your friends?” is the first thing she asks once you take your seats. she reminds you of danielle.

laughing, you squint your eyes in confusion. “pretty social, i guess? why do you ask?”

“i want you to know that me and my friends had nothing to do with.. the thing hana did,” she bites her lower lip. “if i’m being completely honest, if she wasn’t being so suspicious before that day, if we didn’t have an argument, i probably would have defended her because well, she’s our best friend. but this is anton we’re talking about. he’s a friend of ours too and i know how much he loved her.”

not loved, loves her, you want to correct. anton told you he still loves her and a part of you is annoyed because of that. sure, you did try and comfort him by saying hana could still be the one for him, but that’s what any good friend would say. and the last thing you expected was for him to leave you on the biggest cliffhanger ever. a good, weird feeling in his chest that has nothing to do with her? his mind drifting to somewhere or maybe.. someone else?

“it’s not your fault,” you say, snapping out of your own thoughts. “and don’t worry, by the way you screamed at her and whoever that guy was, it was pretty obvious that you were just as shocked as the rest of us were.” that makes bora laugh.

“hana’s gotten us caught up in her schemes in the past, but never anything like this. we really had no idea. anton might not want to get answers, but i do,” she says. “that’s why i wanna know more about this guy.”

“you remind me of my friend, danielle,” you smile. “she was the one we were with at the festival. she’s nosey too. no offense.”

“none taken, i’ve always been like this,” bora waves you off and you both laugh. “i would do this for any of my friends. hell, i would do it for you and this is only our first conversation.”

“is that why you asked how social my friends are? to see if we can get connections?”

“exactly. but don’t worry, i’m not gonna track the guy and get him expelled from this university. i’m not that sick,” bora clears up when she sees you look a little uneasy. “hana’s been hiding a lot from us. and if this guy is the reason why, i feel like we have a right to know too.” she looks down at her lap, twiddling her numbers. you notice her lips purse, an obvious sign that she might start crying. “i almost wish i wasn’t there, ya know? i miss how things were before. but then i think about how anton would feel if he was all alone during this, seeing it all by himself and not telling anyone because that’s the kind of guy he is.”

“yeah, he seems to keep things to himself,” you add. “i think he’s just used to putting everyone else’s feelings before his own,” and bora nods in agreement.

“are you close with anton?” she asks.

“sorta kinda,” you say. “we grew up together, and were pretty close as kids, then i moved away and we didn’t talk for years. somehow i found him again when i transferred here. we definitely aren’t as close as we were before but close enough that i care for him.”

she hums. “i care about my friends a lot too, so i hope you get what i mean when i say i have to get some closure,” she says, wiping the tears that almost fell down her cheek. “will you help me?”

you sit for a second. do you want to get deeper involved? you figure nothing bad enough can happen for this to backfire later on, and bora just seems so passionate about getting answers.

how could you say no?

anton sat alone at the park that was a couple of blocks away from SNU’s campus. it was about 4 o’clock-ish, but the grey clouds filling up the sky made anton shiver as he looked around, waiting for her to arrive.

he got there about 20 minutes earlier. he needed to some time to clear his mind and prepare himself for what was to come. his phone was spammed with messages from his friends, asking him where he went off to since he turned his location off. anton had spent the last few days in his room, all of this morning, and the entire lecture he had earlier thinking about what he was going to say when he meets her face to face.

he couldn’t make up his mind. if he let it all go and put his trust in her again, he was afraid he would regret it one day. then again, hana was his first ever relationship, the first girl he ever loved romantically. well, that is, besides you of course. he almost feels like he deserves what hana did to him because of the way he’s been acting about you. you were the first girl anton has ever had real feelings for, and he was lucky enough to finally get over you by the time him and hana became. you randomly popping back into his life that day really threw everything off for him, and he wonders if things would have played out any differently if you weren’t in the picture. in his defense, though, he really did just want to be friends with you again and tried his best to not act on his old feelings, unlike hana who was seeing another guy behind his back like it was no big deal.

his friends also played a part in teasing him about you, but it really was all just jokes. they knew anton would never leave hana for you and messed with him for the pure reason of getting him worked up. but now that they knew who she truly was, they wished anton would just leave her.

but anton knows you shouldn’t impact whether or not he chooses to stay with hana, he’s better than that. it would make him just as bad as her. so after lots of thinking and battling in his head, he finally came to the conclusion of what he wanted, and he was 100% sure this would have been his decision in any kind of circumstance.

leaning back against the bench he was sitting on, anton closed his eyes, trying to ignore the rapid beating of his heart in his chest, until he hears a voice.

“toni?”

he opens his eyes, turning his head to the left and seeing hana standing a few feet away from him. her wavy hair looked slightly messy from the wind, and he gulped hard when she tucked a piece behind her ear and out of way from her eyes. she wore an oversized half zipped jacket, loose jeans and her favorite ugg boots. she had a tiny bag thrown over her shoulder, and a keychain that anton bought for her on one of their first dates hanging on the strap caught his attention.

“can i sit?” she asks. he wants to roll his eyes at how sweet she sounded, but all he does is nod. she steps forward, sitting on the farthest end of the bench. they both stay silent for a moment. neither of them wanted to speak first, but anton knew one of them had to break the ice.

“how have you been?” anton starts.

“i’ve been better,” she answers quietly. “what about you?” she asks, immediately regretting her choice of words, because who the hell would ask the guy they cheated on how he’s been doing?

“i’m sure you can guess,” he retorts. she doesn’t say anything back, gulping at his sudden change of behavior. it was rare that anton ever showed any sort of attitude towards her, even in their past minor disputes. he never stood up for himself, even when he knew hana was in the wrong, that was one of the reasons it was so easy to keep him in the dark about her lies for this long. he was gullible, blinded by love.

they continue to sit, staring in opposite directions of the park. on anton’s side, he can see a young couple holding hands in the distance, following behind a few of their friends who were laughing about who knows what as they cross the street and exit the park. on hana’s side, it’s a little less busy, a few office workers with gloomy expressions sipping their warm coffees and others frustratingly speaking into their phones, most likely arguing with another colleague or their boss.

“was i not good enough for you?” he finally asks her. she turns away, shutting her eyes tight.

hana never thought it would get to this point. she figured one of two things would happen. one, time will pass and things between her and intak wouldn’t work out, so she would continue being with anton and pretend nothing ever happened. or two, she would finally muster of the courage to end things with anton and be with intak. she never considered the possibility of anton finding out, and looking back at her thought process now, she feels stupid.

when she first met intak and started her affairs with him, she didn’t feel that guilty about it. intak was two-faced, just like her, although he had never taken part in cheating on someone or being the person someone was cheating with. as ironic as it was, he didn’t want to be the reason behind someone’s pain, which is why he asked hana to break up with anton before things between them got serious.

she agreed, because she figured she would do it sooner or later. but that day never came, and intak forced himself to be okay with it. he liked hana a lot, she liked him too, and that’s all that mattered to him.

hana was selfish enough back then to cheat, so why was this so hard for her now?

“you were perfect,” she responds. anton scoffs a laugh, shaking his head.

“wow that just makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?”

“do you want me to lie and tell you that you were a bad boyfriend? we both know that’s not true,” she looks down at her lap and plays with the keychain on her bag, anton shifting his eyes towards it.

“then why did you..” his voice got quiet. “why did you do it?”

people change, and relationships eventually become more toxic until they fall through, but that wasn’t the reason she did what she did. anton was perfect to her, but she didn’t feel the way she felt about him when they first met. instead of communicating it with him, she looked for what she craved in someone else. she liked the idea of having a dirty little secret and having a guy like anton who worshipped her. she was greedy and didn’t care about the consequences. she was cold-hearted and now that was coming back to bite her in the ass.

“i just.. didn’t feel satisfied anymore,” she answered, rolling a rock under her foot and kicking it under the bench.

“do you mean like.. our sex life—“

“no, toni. that’s not what i meant—“

“please don’t call me that anymore.”

fuck. she bit her lip awkwardly, face red from embarrassment. when her feelings for anton were at an all-time low, she stopped calling him ‘toni’, and he obviously didn’t like that. but now the rolls were reversed. she wants to feel like everything is still okay.

“that’s not what i meant, anton..” she corrects herself. “it had nothing to do with any of that, besides we only did it once..” hana trails off, not really wanting to discuss the one time they had sex because that wasn’t the issue at hand. anton can only nod awkwardly.

“if you had done this earlier into our relationship, maybe i wouldn’t have cared so much,” he says. “but finding out after a year? how long have you been seeing this guy anyway?”

“that’s not important.”

he sighs loudly, stressfully rubbing his eyes. “you’re unbelievable.”

“look, i made a stupid decision. i know i did. i wasn’t thinking when i started all of this and i’m sorry,” hana says. her voice was getting weaker, the guilt taking over. she thought just breaking up with anton would be a piece of cake, but now that they were having this conversation, she feels more attached to him than ever. she promised intak she would break things off with anton, but it was starting to become way harder than she expected.

“i told my friends i still loved you.”

for some reason, her heartbeat fastens. sure she cheated on him but any guy like anton saying he loved you would make a girl react this way, so how can you blame her?

“i told them that you were still my girlfriend. that i still wanted to be with you. that we could work this out because even thought you hurt me, i really thought you were still the one for me.”

he taps his foot on the ground, waiting to see if she was going to respond. when she doesn’t, he turns to look at her, noticing the blush on her cheeks. he wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or from the words that were coming out of his mouth, but either way, it made him feel sorry for what he was about to say next.

“but i was wrong.”

ouch. hana swears she could physically feel her heart crack into a million pieces.

“i was trying to convince myself that i still loved you. but honestly.. i can’t. i can’t love you anymore. i don’t love you anymore. now i’m just done. i’m done with us, with this relationship. i’m done with you,” he says, swallowing back his tears. “i hate the feeling of knowing you were hiding something from me. i feel so fucking sorry for myself. i should have known when you came to my dorm and smelled like him.”

she cringes, not realizing that anton’s suspicions must’ve started that day. “anton please—“

“i don’t think i could ever forgive you and that hurts because fuck. i loved you,” he says.

“please don’t do this. i don’t want to lose you, please. i— i love you,” she says, finally shifting to face him. she reaches for his shoulder but he doesn’t move, just looks at her and shakes his head.

“you don’t love me. you’re attached now that i want to leave you. i bet you didn’t think i’d ever find out huh?” he asks, shrugging his shoulder to get her to let go off him. “you don’t have that power over me anymore. you just wanna continue manipulating me, have me at your disposal at all times, make you feel wanted. that’s why you want me to stay.” he starts to get up. “i hope you can get what you wanted from that guy.”

“no, no anton please,” she grips his arm, pulling him toward her as she stands up with him. “what can i do to fix this? tell me.”

he clenches his jaw at the sight of her crying in front of him. she drags her hands down his arm, anton’s eyes following them, until she reaches his hands and grabs them with her own. he watches the way she squeezes them, waiting for him to give her an answer. out of habit, anton finds himself rubbing his thumb against her fingertips, something he would do before bringing them to his lips and placing a kiss. but he doesn’t do that his time. instead, he looks up at her with just his eyes, their height difference still technically making him look down at her. for a second, she thinks he might give her another chance, but when he pulls his hands away and steps back, her stomach twists.

“you can’t.”

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author’s note: NOT PROOFREAD LOL also wow lots of drama lots of realization good job anton you finally stood up for yourself

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