nsnirak0019

[nsnirak0019]

burn, crash, romance

i'll take what i can get from you

[nsnirak0019]

ears

(via)

[nsnirak0019]

every part of me says go ahead but i got my hopes up again oh no not again

[nsnirak0019]

this constant hunger for freedom and isolation, i dont understand it. it's always demanding for more. the thought of 'otherness' sure feels like suicide at times. is it because it grew numb or is it because it is scared of showing its true desire?

[nsnirak0019]

why am i so scared of being vulnerable? of letting people in? why do i deprive myself with human connection?

[nsnirak0019]

trauma did not make me stronger. it made me a big coward. a liar. vulnerable.

[nsnirak0019]

js something from when i was bored ????

it started as a buzzing sound in my ear,

then my heart pounding out my chest.

my body shivering as if a cold breeze embraced my soul.

this darkness hiding behind my thoughts -

acting as my truth.

time stood still as i tried to make sense of my reality.

it's like being a boat out in the storm.

what once was ripples suddenly became rogue waves -

leaving your boat as vulnerable as ever.

you kept on rowing in hopes of finding the east side,

in hopes of finding your daylight,

but emotions are like waves flowing at once.

the sky was painted gray,

engulfing your truth with darkness.

it started clouding your thoughts,

and before you knew it,

this darkness found a home in you.

what was once a bane

became a solace.

you embraced it,

found comfort on it,

until it became you.

[nsnirak0019]

looking back to your teenage years and realizing you're just a girl stuck in a grown woman's body. you have the same desire and dreams. you daydream over the same silly stuff. you smile the same way but you also cry over the same things over and over again for years. you hurt over the same bullshit like the wound's just from yesterday. wondering why did you have to spend most of your energy trying to survive your childhood when you should've been just a kid, doing what a kid should be doing. realizing you missed out on lot of things because you were so busy surviving. literally fighting for your life.

then this idea of independence helplessly grows in your mind. embracing your solitude. embracing your ownness. embracing your peace amidst this brutal world. making a promise to yourself that you won't ever let someone step all over you again. enough of losing yourself for people who endlessly chose to hurt you.

independence then becomes isolation. fear of belonging. fear of being perceived. fear of ever feeling again. you curse people as you cant love right again. not knowing whether you're ever gonna find peace. not knowing if you're ever gonna be 'home' one day cause everyday feels like an escape. an escape from life. an escape from everything.

glimpse of hope shows and you're suddenly craving the thing you loathe the most. connection. but then you're actually too guarded to give in. then you hate yourself for even feeling a little bit of emotion that is not sadness. for being open even for the tiniest bit. then the cycle continues.

you live to look for something you lack as a kid but also disgust it at the same time.

[nsnirak0019]

I've been looking sad in all the nicest places

[nsnirak0019]

the world is so big. everyday i am losing you in hundreds of unfamiliar faces. it scares me. we are drifting apart from each other with no clear view of the future. do you also feel scared? or is it just me who's still hopelessly hanging on to this invisible thread that keeps our memories alive? i feel so blue. my chest is so heavy. i miss you everyday. i wanna run to you. but how can i when you are no more than a stranger to me now? oh the things i'd give up to see you. but as much as i want to be in your presence, i don't think i can bear hearing another goodbye from you. it's funny how goodbyes became our thing.

[nsnirak0019]

i dont know if something awaits for us in the future

i dont know if life has something for us

but one thing im sure about is

i want to do life with you

may it be the happiest

or the lowest of lowest

i want to do it with you

[nsnirak0019]

do we eventually get okay or do we just get better at pretending we are?

[nsnirak0019]

moving to a different country in your early 20s

this was probably the scariest thing i have done in my life. and may i also say, the proudest one.

i am a girl from a little town with not much exposure to liberality. you are expected to conform to these questionable 'norms.'

Growing up i had to navigate life the harder way as i had no parents beside me. I fail, i fall, i cry, i learn (hopefully). i had to protect myself and let's say, do things in a way that i wanted to. (you wanna give these conservatives a headache? do it my way then.) i think this is the reason some of my family members hated my guts. they hate it cause they cannot order me around. i stand my ground. i stick to my principles. (btw, no hate to my family.) I'm pretty sure this roots from toxic asian family culture. if you have your own opinion, they think you are being disrespectful and *rebel.* i remember asking myself why this certain family member have never spoken a single word to me since i became a teenager but would joke around with my cousins in front of me....

this lead to a life-long dream of moving somewhere else. i did not think it would be this soon, but yay i guess. all i wanted was to escape. when you're in so much pain (esp from your own blood), nothing else matters but leaving. i did not take into consideration the adult responsibilities that i would be facing. all i thought was, "i just need to get away."

moving away. i'd say it's the greatest blessing but also the most painful one. i get to explore sides of myself that i did not know existed. i get to improve myself without people questioning every decision i make. there's so much room for improvement. plus you get to meet the greatest people. sometimes im walking around our town or in central london and then i would suddenly think "wow im in london. i did it."

it does not sound as glorious as im making it seem like tho. lol. the times i cried cause i feel like i never belong. i was moving around before i decided to settle down in london. i was everywhere. i feel like i belonged everywhere. i finally felt like i was seen. but the truth was, i was just like any other person that comes and goes. and that hurt me so much. after that, you doubt every decision you made. is this the right thing? who am i doing this for? is this worth leaving everything behind? is this worth leaving the familiar (but unfulfilling) life that i had? what is my purpose here?

people do not talk about the beauty of learning to be comfortable with your own company. there's something so fulfilling being in your own silly little world. im not gonna say it's easy, cause believe me, im still on the process of learning how to love myself. and i do think this is something you have to learn all throughout your life. when you learn to love yourself, you then learn that you are capable. when you believe that you are capable, you then will realize someone's absence does not hurt that much as you thought. or i dont know being alone is not as bad as how people make it seem.

braving the world by my own is the proudest thing i have done.

[nsnirak0019]

"If there was a place i could call home,

Before i die, you ought to know,

it'd be in your arms tonight."

[nsnirak0019]

when you grow up having no parental figures beside you, you have this constant urge to pursue independence.... freedom. (well that's what you think you want.) but the truth is, you are so accustomed to this loneliness that you think you deserve nothing outside of it. it's the only familiar feeling left of you. it becomes your friend, part of you. then eventually, it becomes you. you end up owning it. you cannot separate yourself to this darkness. you are scared of losing yourself if you ever decide to get out of this 'comfort' zone. (cause if you lose this, what else is left of you?) yk what i mean

then you end up wandering everywhere, in hopes of finding your place in this world. (unconsciously) hopes of finding love in every interaction. you wanna be somebody to someone but it seems impossible because everyone had already gotten their 'someone' at this point of their lives. "home can be anywhere," you convince yourself, but the truth is, it is nowhere...

vulnerability is still never an option. once you feel a connection (that btw, you have been craving for god knows how long), your mind goes into fight-or-flight mode. you are too guarded. your walls are way up high. you refuse to let anyone in. you refuse to show them parts of you. you project your fears into these possibilities.

idk how it's possible but you end up very vulnerable but also very guarded at the same time. you wish you can do things without having to worry about people seeing 'too much' of you. you wish you can pour your love to the world. but you think people do not deserve the truth behind you. people expect you to be strong as you have been independent for most of your life but the thing is it only makes you even more vulnerable (even easily deceived) because truth be told, you do not know what true love and care is.

[nsnirak0019]

imagine how nice it would be to just run away from everything and start a quiet life in a seaside.... nothing to hear but the lapping sounds of waves. sunkissed skin. salty hair. eating locally made foods.