notwhoyouresupposedtobe

[notwhoyouresupposedtobe]

It's been A WHOLE ASS moment since I posted

I got engaged to the best human I ever met in my whole life. He is a great person

HOWEVERRR today's drama stems from his salty ass baby mama who is getting under his skin. I can offer my support but he made it clear that I can't also communicate my struggles as a result

That.....says so much without saying a thing. I'm allowed to support him through HIS stress....unless I have any emotions as well. I have any concurrent feelings (Which of course I have feelings about because it's my future stepson!) - But if I feel any sort of way about ANY thing this day, apparently I must suppress feelings in exchange for his. Even when my feeling is trying to communicate to MY FIANCÉ that I feel the urge to go buy drugs. He made it clear that HIS feelings are the only thing to discuss today. My shit don't matter. Cool.

[notwhoyouresupposedtobe]

It's been more than a hot minute since I posted. At some point, I didn't feel the need to post, and then I guess I lost the Tumblr app ...who knows. At least for now, I'm back.

Let's see....From Sept 2022 to now, a lot has happened. I'm in the same general career bubble but not consulting. Being a permanently temporary employee fucks with your head after a while. There's no stability or promise of being employed in the future, and constantly fighting for a new contract is exhausting and ruined any happiness I had.

Also, the foster cat is now permanently my cat for almost a whole year now. She was miserable at adoption events, honestly also miserable in a carrier for any reason. But she suddenly got it together in March, which brings me to my next point....

I have lived with my lovely since March. Our landlord here is great and takes comfort knowing we aren't going to wreck his prior home like some of the prior longterm Air BnB tenants tried. Also, the cat really likes it here, I have a designated workspace, it's far less drafty than the old house (read: utility bills are less, and I don't need 3+ blankets to be warm enough to sleep)

We also have a roommate. I figured if someone needs a place to live, I can condense my stuff to one bedroom

On the flip side, living with anyone is difficult. I almost wish I didn't work from home sometimes because I see ALL the dirt and debris and clutter and I'm in the midst of it.

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All I get is my dad didn't have something "bad enough' happen to him. Like he needed to die, or do you want and be maimed, or be permanently destroyed to be "bad enough" to qualify for 9/11 support.

He did. The fact that he lived and had to deal with survivor guilt for the rest of his life is enough. I shouldn't have to lose a parent for their pain to be felt. MY DAD HAS SUFFERED MENTAL ISSUES FOR TWENTY ONE FUCKING YEARS, because he LIVED. and he's still not acknowledged.

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I hate that this has to be such a taboo thing....

It's 21 years after 9/11

There are kids old enough to drink that were born that day

I stand strong in the fact that IF my father was on time, he would've been in one of those planes.

The fact that he was late because of his.wife and/or 2 kids shouldn't minimize my trauma. My dad COULD HAVE died that day. At 11 years old, I THOUGHT HE DID. I fucking thought he was actually on that plane for hours, until he walked in the door. I cried like a fool thinking he died and that was it.

And if he did die? I would've lost my dad but gain what? Free college, a lot of awards, a whole lot of accolades....and the same level of trauma that I was gonna get anyway.

He was late to the terminal. I am penalized because he lived?! He isn't better off, WE aren't better off, I had to grow up with his survivor guilt, his referred trauma, his mental issues, his "what if"ism.

I don't want fame or a medal, I want fucking recognition that those who SURVIVED didn't come out unharmed. We fucking hurt too. We have resentment. We have pain. We are damaged too.

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What a parent is supposed to be, according to my boyfriend:

Sees his kid 3 weeks out of the year. Spends 5 full days out of that time with his son.

Insists that the child sleep on MY couch instead of his dad's house. Never take the kid to his own house, meaning I get to be full time maid to both their laundry, dishes, food, and trash. But keep reminding me that I'm "not a parent and never will be"

Send the child away with Gigi for at least 1 week

Let Gigi buy any school supplies or clothes

Fight tooth and nail to have his son the remaining time, but do ZERO effort to have sheets for him to sleep on, clean the blankets he will use, plan food.

Steph will be home (working all day) so it's better for him to sit alone playing on his phone than to see his cousins a few more days

I'm not a parent (I never wanted to be) but I don't see how this is much of a "vacation" for a 13 year old. The kid even said he wants to go home and not have constant travel and shifting between places to sleep

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Asked how he mitigated keeping the sink clean with exes (knowing he fully lived with ex girlfriends before)

Response:

"Well I had to plunge the toilet even though I only peed."

Cool. That explains how I'm supposed to keep the vanity free of hair SO well. Thanks.

You know, honestly some days it doesn't even fucking seem worth it. I live here 7 days a week, I work here 5 days a week

He visits 3 or 4 days depending on how the weekend falls. I don't ENJOY dirt or hair in my space. I tolerate it. It's getting gross and hard to excuse.

I don't know if I hate lack of cleanliness or if I secretly loathe the person I love. But it's awkward to make a decision either way

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I have had several people. Different sources. Tell me that I should be doing better because I have a higher income

Fuck that. I grew up not having expendable income from paycheck to paycheck of my parents. I spent most of my early adulthood not having any expendable income and being told that I shouldn't spurge as soon as I have a couple bucks extra

So the moment that I have a large margin between my income and the person that I'm with income... Why should I suddenly split?! That is so incredibly classist and discriminatory like I shouldn't like the person that I like, just because they have a different job?!

Fuck that.....I like the person I like, because I like the person. It has ZERO to do with their salary. I happen to like this person. This is my person. I like them. This is my cause. Energy to them achieving better. Because I love them.

[notwhoyouresupposedtobe]

I keep getting Google article notifications about Joe Cole opting to leave Peaky Blinders because, as he quotes, "It's Cillian Murphy's show"

Personally, I was always kind of suspicious that John Shelby was going to be a traitor or weak link from the beginning. Maybe it was just the way everything was written to make Tommy Shelby the main guy despite his brothers' better plans and ideas...

But IMO, John Shelby had an entirely hateable snotty smirk of a face at times

I will admit that I don't feel his character was as good as it could've been. John and Esme could have easily conquered the whole family business if a (Tommy shaped) vacancy appeared.

But anyway. The news articles painting Cillian Murphy as a director "making John Cole not want to stay"....IDK. The plot was kind of prewritten as Tommy the hero and John Shelby was never expected to last

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I got a consulting job, FINALLY.

It took until literally the last business day before I was supposed to start my new job to get a straight answer... But I'm here, and I have worked an entire day as a consultant so far

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Today, I tested positive for COVID. After a week of symptoms and 5 days of attempting to find a test, so I could use my negative status to get a doctor's appointment.

So now I'm positive, and I still can't get a doctor's appointment. I guess I have to be sicker to get medical help for bronchitis and pneumonia.

At the same time, my employer has asked remote employees to come in and fill in for the gaps created by hospital staff being infected. Oh, we are supposed to volunteer (or choose a reason for declining from a very short list), and it will be unpaid and in addition to your existing work. I asked them to shove that idea up their ass, so far that they need a scope to find it. Not only because I'm already infected, but because they showed how expendable they treat their EVS, transport, and unit desk staff. Then they backtracked on the 'volun-told' part and said they won't be collecting reasons, just a simple yes or no will suffice.

Sometimes, when a company shows their true colors, no amount of backtracking will make things fit back in a pretty little box again.

[notwhoyouresupposedtobe]

I wonder if writing poetry will make me feel closure....What if some good raw poetry will make me feel at peace with my life? My decisions that have passed? My choices to lead me to my current spot?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CV8P3EIjSvC/?utm_medium=copy_link

[notwhoyouresupposedtobe]

Some days, most days lately, I'm craving that phone call from a recruiter saying they have something for me. I need to get out of this place so bad.

I came to my current job over 5 years ago, bright and ready to start in the Epic world. I didnt have Hospital Billing experience, but I had Physician Billing experience and I knew how a hospital works. I wanted to change the world

I still do. I still am learning and still ready to change the world, but at a different level. I found my niche and I want to do this as long as possible, but not at my current employer. They say a manager can make or break the job, and its true. My love for the content of my work has not changed but my love for the location and the manager and the management style has absolutely changed.

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I met his son and spent the last almost 48 hours with them. Elliott is a pretty cool kid. He gave me a hug before he left and asked if he would see me again before he left. Awwww

The rest of the family though....Im not so sure about them. He sees his son for the first time in almost 2 years, and the Gigi wants to take him shopping. Okay, cool, but let's not spend the whole day wandering around Target. This is one of two days that he gets with his father outside of a work week then a vacation trip where Gigi will have them for over a week. Is it so much to ask to NOT hoard the day with something you can do during the week?

I'm not sure how I feel about going on this weekend trip with them. I'm sure it'll be fine but it's a LOT of people that I've never met and I'm not getting warm fuzzies on meeting 3 siblings, their spouses, all of their kids, and staying in a cabin with all of them

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Home after my Right Turn weekend. I didnt die, it wasn't jail, it was just a lot. Right now I'm thankful to be in my own bed, alone, with a TV and phone and earbuds.

[notwhoyouresupposedtobe]

The night before I go into "Jail Alternative"

I have to go to Target. Nick offers to go without me and bring my stuff here. He then makes dinner without me because I wasn't done the extra work I picked up, to offset being out most of the day tomorrow.

He sits down while the food cooks to play his video game. I try to talk to him. He is distracted.

He finishes dinner, and puts on a TV show. I try to talk again, asking if he can help with the stocks he made me sign up for. He discusses cars with my brother (who will be here all weekend, while I am not)

I try talking to him again, he gets pissy.

I will be gone all weekend, when he is normally here. He says he will use the weekend to get things done that he delayed doing, because he was hanging with me

This is not the tender care I wanted before I drive myself to weekend lockup

[notwhoyouresupposedtobe]

I wish there was a baby in there. It's actually a combination of bad diet, extreme bloating from IBS and/or endometriosis, and weight gain from Nexplanon.

Funny enough, I'm down 5 lbs and I fit into LESS clothing. I had to sit at trivia with my hoodie pulled down and my pants unbuttoned because I was so uncomfortably bloated in regular pants

[notwhoyouresupposedtobe]

“It’s never too late to start over. If you weren’t happy with yesterday, try something different today. Don’t stay stuck. Do better.”

— Andy Wootea