nothanksidontwanttodie

[nothanksidontwanttodie]

YALL AINT NO WAY I WAS SO INACTIVE I MISSED MY MAIN MANS BIRTHDAY

*Deidara walks into Sasori's lab and puts a wrapped box on his desk* Deidara: For you, old man! Happy birthday, hm! Sasori: Brat, if this is another explosive, I swear to God that I'll-- Deidara: Just open it, Danna! *Sasori opens the box and is visibly startled to find a tasteful sweater inside* Sasori: Dei ... *holds the sweater up to himself* This is really nice. Looks like the right size, and definitely my color ... Sasori: *puts the sweater down and lays a hand on Deidara's forehead* Sasori, talking to himself: No fever ... *encloses his fingers around Deidara's wrist and does a count to himself* Pulse seems to be normal ... Deidara, yanking his wrist away: I'm not sick! Geez, can't I just get you a nice gift without you acting like a suspicious asshole about it?! For God's sake, I even made the ultimate sacrifice and spent an entire afternoon with RED EYES helping me pick this out! Sasori: Ah, my apologies ... *pulls Deidara into his arms and strokes his hair* This is so nice. I just, well, I know you, I know what your idea of a gift is, and I'm a little suprised that this isn't something that explodes, that's all. Deidara: Danna, I wouldn't set off something to explode in here. I know how you don't like messes! And maybe you should give me more credit, for getting more mature, hm. I wouldn't -- *a loud boom is heard in the kitchen* Konan, from down the hall: DEIDARA!! This cake you made us all the celebrate Sasori's birthday, it just blew up all over the place!! Nagato: There's frosting all over the windows and the ceiling! Hidan: You fucking asshole, I was taking a bite and it blew my head off! Now the old bastard's gonna charge me to put it back on!! Why the FUCK would you make it chocolate?? You know I can't resist that!! Sasori: Sasori: Did I happen to tell you at some point, how Hidan came in here and messed up some of my important notes on my newest puppets? Deidara: You did. Sasori: And you made that cake in Hidan's favorite flavor, on purpose, so that it would blow up on him? In a place far from the cleanliness of my lab? Deidara: Yep. Sasori: Sasori, "tearing" up and hugging Deidara: So this is what true love feels like ...

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*the Akatsuki minus Sasori and Deidara waiting in the living room*

Kisame: Goodness, what’s taking them so long? We were supposed to be at the Halloween party an hour ago.

Hidan: Those two fuckers always gotta be “artistic” and shit. Probably putting on some ridiculous-ass costumes.

Itachi: I do wish they’d hurry. I haven’t eaten a thing today in anticipation of the sweets I know will be present tonight.

Konan: I’m sure it won’t be much longer, everyone. They — *Sasori’s door opens and he comes out* 

Kakuzu: What are you supposed to be? One of your puppets?

Zetsu: He’s Chucky, right? The serial killer doll from the movies? I must say your costume is excellent, Sasori-san!

Sasori: Thank you! But wait until you see —

*Deidara’s door opens and he comes out, wearing a knee-length white dress and a short blonde wig over his natural hair*

Deidara: Well, what do you think, hm?!

Nagato: Are … are you dressed as Marilyn Monroe??

Deidara: Yeah! See, me and Danna —

Sasori: What the hell, Deidara?! Didn’t we agree that we were going to go in a couple’s costume?? Didn’t we agree that this would be a fun way to tell everyone that we’re dating now?!

Deidara: You ass, you were supposed to dress up as JFK!! Do you know how much effort I put into looking like this??

Sasori: You think dressing up like Chucky was easy? You were supposed to be Tiffany! WHY do you think I bought you that necklace that said Tiffany on it?!

Deidara: I figured you stole it from someone and wanted me to have to because you know I like gold jewelry!! And for god’s sake, be more appreciative! *grabs his chest* You know how much chakra it takes to look like I have boobs?!

Sasori: You were supposed to “have boobs” to be TIFFANY!

Deidara: Like I have the chakra reserves to make boobs as big as that!!

Konan: S-so … you two are dating now?

Sasori, through gritted teeth: YES.

Deidara, glaring at Sasori: NEVER BEEN HAPPIER, HM!

Everyone:

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Deidara: Sasori, we need to talk. Sasori: If this is about me killing that guy that "praised" your art, I assure you my "jealousy" had nothing to do with my decision. His body was very unique and I deemed that he'd make a worthy addition to my -- Deidara: No, no, that's not it, hm. It's just, you know Halloween is coming up, right? Sasori: On October thirty-first? Same as every year, mm? Deidara: Ya don't gotta be a smart-ass about it, Danna. I'm serious, here; Halloween is coming up and you haven't taken me to do one single festive thing, hm. Sasori: "Festive"? What do you consider "festive"? Deidara: We haven't gone to a pumpkin patch, or a haunted house. We haven't gone on any hay rides, or even taken a walk around to look at the colors of the leaves on the trees. Sasori: *sighs* Alright, love. You want festive? I'll give you festive. Sasori: *drags Tobi into the room* Here. This orange-masked freak can be your "pumpkin patch". Sasori: I'll stop by Hidan's room to tell him to perform his next sacrifice ritual right here, so that you can experience your "haunted house". Sasori: I've heard Kakuzu talking lately about making some money by selling our "expensive" beds and replacing them with straw-tick mattresses, so you'll get to go on your "hay ride". Sasori: And the next time I can catch Zetsu off-guard, I'll throw several buckets of paint on him, to turn him different colors, then rip off his skin so that you can watch the "leaves" fall. Sasori: Tsk; and you say I never put effort into anything for you. I promise you this will be one "festive" Halloween that you'll never forget, brat. *kisses Deidara's cheek then leaves* Deidara:

[nothanksidontwanttodie]

this is actually so real

I feel so empty in my brain, all my creativity seems to be gone I can’t think of shit on a shingle to write about and it’s been a while now 😞

[nothanksidontwanttodie]

Could you supply me with more Deidara stuff 😊😊😊

Hidan: Oi, red-eyes … what do you think about blondie?

Itachi: You mean Deidara? Like, in what context? As a fighter, as a teammate? 

Hidan: No, like … am I fucking nuts or is there somethin’ about him that’s hot as hell?

Itachi: I —

Tobi, walking in: You’re not crazy, Hidan-senpai. Tobi’s senpai is … *switches to Obito voice* Sexy.

Itachi:

Itachi, blushing: I … suppose I can admit that Deidara has a certain something about him, something that renders him highly appealing to the senses.

Hidan: Either of you two fuckers ever think of asking him out?

Tobi and Itachi: *start laughing*

Tobi, lifting up his mask slightly to wipe tears from his eyes: A-are you insane, Hidan-senpai?! Tobi may be a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them!

Itachi: Exactly. I certainly don’t wish to die an excruciating death. I have enough troubles as it is.

Hidan: The hell are you two talking about?! Would blondie seriously get that mad over one of us askin’ him out??

Tobi: No, he wouldn’t … but …

*Deidara walks by through the other room, gesturing and talking to Sasori, who is inside of Hiroku. While Deidara is oblivious and chatting, Hiroku does a slow head-sweep and takes in the other three watching Deidara. Poison darts fly out of Hiroku’s tale and straight for the three, which Deidara doesn’t notice but the others have to duck to the floor to avoid*

Hidan: �� I see your point.

Also, anon? Considering this yellow-haired gremlin is topping my tags for the third year in a row, I don’t know how much more Deidara-specific content I can provide ya 🙃

[nothanksidontwanttodie]

I have a question, do you think anyone in the akatsuki calls their partners petnames?

Hm. I think … Kisame wants to, with Itachi, but feels like Itachi would reject the idea. But then one day he slips up and says “honey” or something and Itachi pauses, gives him a confused look, but doesn’t say anything negative to it. Then a few days later he refers to Kisame as “my dear one” within Kisame’s hearing and someone’s gotta pick the big shark man up off the floor.

I feel like Nagato very regularly calls Konan “Angel”, more so than using her actual name, probably. She very softly calls him “anata” which makes him blush redder than his hair every single time he hears it.

Hidan calls Kakuzu “old bastard” and Kakuzu calls Hidan “shitty brat” and that IS their “pet names”. Except maybe sometimes when Hidan is sleepy and lounging in Kakuzu’s arms, he’ll look up and say ‘Kuzu’ in such a low, sweet voice that the others would drop of shock if they heard it. Kakuzu will stroke his hair and sigh and say “I have no idea why I love you so much” which isn’t a pet name situation but he puts a heavy caress over the word “love” so that Hidan understands his feelings.

Deidara calls Sasori “Danna” and although this isn’t really a pet name, the way he says it has turned it into a very lovely term of endearment. Sasori who is very emotionless and not used to giving affection would have to be with Deidara a long time before he felt confident enough to call him anything other than “brat” or his name, but when he gets to that point, he goes completely overboard with it. “Sweetheart”, “Baby” “Darling” “Love”; and he almost always adds “my” in front of everything. Because Deidara is HIS, goddamit.

Tobi tried to call Deidara “babe” once but it … did not go well 😅

[nothanksidontwanttodie]

Hidan has the vibe of a man violently allergic to tree nuts

[nothanksidontwanttodie]

Naruto looks like he can yo-yo like a mad man

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Hidan: Hey, old fuck … why don’t we try doing somethin’ sexy for a change?

Kakuzu: Something … sexy? Like what?

Hidan: For dinner, instead of eating the food off of the table … why don’t we get naked and eat it off of each other’s bodies? *wraps his arms around Kakuzu* Think of how hot and erotic that would be ~

Kakuzu: Mm, eating food off of each other. Because you think this will be “sexy”?

Hidan: Yep.

Kakuzu: No other reason?

Hidan: Nope.

Kakuzu: So this isn’t at all because you still haven’t washed the damn dishes like I asked you to?

Hidan: 

Hidan: … I hate how well you know me.

[nothanksidontwanttodie]

deidara would totally be an artschool dropout aint no way he got his degree

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Thought the depression was getting better because I'm getting back some motivation but the first thing my therapist asked about after my day was antidepressant prescription womp womp

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Hidan: Hey, puppet-dick! What’s up?

Sasori: Birds. The tops of trees. The sky. The —

Hidan: No, asshole. I mean, what’s going on? What are you planning on doing today?

Sasori: If all goes well, Deidara.

Hidan: … This is why I never talk to your weird ass.

Deidara, from the other room: I’m interested in carrying on that conversation, Danna ~

Hidan:

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Deidara: Danna, do you love me?

Sasori: You’re loud, obnoxious, overly opinionated, slovenly, your hygiene is questionable, and your temper and impulsiveness cause me more of a liability than anything an enemy could throw at me.

Deidara: But do you love me?

Sasori: You spend too much time on your hair and skin each day, what little money I earn is spent feeding your bottomless pit of a stomach, you get sick far too often, and most days I wish I could escape into the blissful unconsciousness of sleep just to be able to get away from your constant yammering.

Deidara: But do you love me?

Sasori: *puts his arms around him* Of course I do. You’re absolutely perfect.

Deidara: Thanks! Wanna make out?

Sasori: I thought you’d never ask, my —

Itachi: God almighty you two give me heart problems.

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I hate the fourth of July :(

[nothanksidontwanttodie]

(◡‿◡✿)

(ʘ‿ʘ✿) “what you say ‘bout me”

(ʘ‿ʘ)ノ✿ “hold my flower”

[nothanksidontwanttodie]

Sasori: Dei? Why are you in bed?

Deidara: Why wouldn’t I be, hm?

Sasori: Because it’s the 4th of July? Your favorite holiday?

Deidara: Oh, what does it matter, Sasori? YOU don’t like fireworks, right? And everyone else is out on missions, and it’s no fun celebrating all alone.

Sasori: Get up. Now.

Deidara: W-why??

Sasori: *takes Deidara’s hand and pulls him out of bed* 

Deidara: D-danna! Let go of me, hm! What are you —

Deidara: *stops; they’re outside and the small yard is filled with what looks like Sasori’s puppets*

Deidara: Why is your art out here?

Sasori: Today, it’s our art, Deidara. *gestures to the puppets* I made you likenesses of Hidan, Tobi and Itachi. You’re going to fill them with your clay and send them exploding into the sky.

Deidara: 

Deidara: … why would you do this for me?

Sasori: You don’t remember?

Sasori: *takes Deidara’s hands* Tomorrow, it’ll be one year since we started dating, brat. One entire year since this beautiful blushing blonde came into my room, sat me down, looked me in the eye and told me something that made my cold heart start beating again. What better way to celebrate such an explosive rush of emotions than by combining our art?

Deidara: 

Deidara: *leaps at Sasori and nearly knocks him over with a hug*

Deidara: I love you so much, hm! *kisses him repeatedly*

Sasori: I love you too, my dear one. Now who are we sending up first?!

Deidara, laughing and pulling out a blob of clay: Tobi’s gonna get this right up the ass; I can’t wait to see him explode!

Tobi, just returning home: