notgitfr

[notgitfr]

Stormclouds.

The oceans I was looking for were around me all along. The dazzling sunsets I yearned was but the precipice of my thoughts. The brewing stormclouds within myself, they seem to quench the drought of everything I will seek, and everything I sought.

The purple skies besiege my eyes, laden with introspection. The past unfolds with time untold, a pyrrhic angel of sorts. Amidst these vast, indefinite, desolate, expansive, stretches of dark, a million luminous souls transcend the trenches of their hearts.

And as the stars ascend the heavens, they tell their stories oft of men who saw life an odyssey, the universe a vagabond. The brewing stormclouds within myself, they seem to quench the drought of everything I will seek, and everything I sought.

[notgitfr]

Her.

I remember, having sat down in a cool, unimposingly occupied metro that night, the window, as if a portal connecting me to a different dimension, showed me illuminating shopping malls and buzzing city streets, shimmering nevertheless. I made my way home, thinking about her, as I always was, and I came upon what I felt a fitting, conclusive reflection-

"She was a seething tornado.

And I will never know her depth, or the eye to her storm.

All I may do is struggle to find support and break free from this powerful torrent that I hoped to brave in order to gaze at her deepest truths."

I knew her since we were very young. As far as I recall, she was a good friend to me then. Time eventually led to a state of indifference, and we only truly spoke much after, a while before I got intimate with one of her close friends, and we got close after things between us ended.

She was the most gifted person I'd ever known. She was just, better. More beautiful, more intuitive, more gifted, more capable, more articulate, more everything. I still remember her student council speech. She addressed about 400 people in a brimming amphitheatre, completely impromptu. She didn't stutter. She didn't shiver. She was her, just her, in her finest sense, regardless and irrespective of spectators and speculation. It wasn't childish confidence. It was being in one's own element in the most impeccable sense of it. That speech, if not the words, but her, is something etched in my memory, and my appreciation of it to her was something she remembered too.

I emboldened a deep appreciation for her. To those who observed, she was epitome, and to those who knew, she was perfect. Eventually, I buried this in my subconscious, where everything is transitory, yet nothing is lost.

What happened after?

Where did those 3 years hide her?

Some believe she got in the wrong company. Some, her issues at home increased. To me, it was not so much the physical changes in her world (though I wouldn't say notwithstanding), but rather her choices which led her to become what she became. In what justification, for what rationale, I had and have no clue of. I knew only of the madness, not the method.

Once things ended between us, I started speaking more to her.

To me, she was like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction - mysterious, enigmatic, sexy yet subconsciously troubling. Somewhere, deep down, a voice inside told me enduringly that what I was doing would bring me unsettling, chronic trouble and pain, but I chose. I chose to roll the dice, to play the game that ensued, and though it brought me suffering, suffering that still rarely unsettles me, I'm glad I did what I did. It enabled me to grow exponentially as a person by shattering my glass ceiling, and in that pain did I find the deepest truths of me, myself & I.

Time, in its due course, led me to a self-destructive status quo wherein I felt I was falling in love with her, yet all the while, I still harboured feelings for her close friend. I couldn't comprehend why I started to love her. I don't work that way, wherein I harbour feelings for more than one person. Moreover, my ex became penultimate, and she became everything to me- the reason I woke up at the morning, the only person I ever thought of.

I knew she wasn't a stable person. I knew she wasn't healthy to herself. And yet, how? How could I love her?

I do not know if even to call it love. I do not think there exists a word, a phrase or a sentence to describe what I felt for her. I loved her, with all my heart and with each and every fibre of my being, yet I absolutely abhorred her for what she did to herself. She did not trust me, I knew, but I had this obsessive-compulsive urge to trust her blindly with everything. And considering my trust issues at the time, it seemed to me as if she was cleaving me in half and taking everything she needed, in similar fashion to Noboru Wataya from The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. Though, I know now that I chose my own course of action, and I cannot hold her responsible.

Why?

Me, who had been shielded and fortified, why was I choosing to do all of this?

I loved her, yes, I did, but it was not her I loved. It was the version of her she was before, the version of her that, in my opinion, was closest to perfection. I hated her current self for what she did to her past, the person I truly loved, but in her current, I saw flashes, and that was enough to draw me to her, as a moth to the flame. It was exactly what Kafka Tamura felt for Miss Saeki in Kafka On The Shore, and even more so when I painfully realized my deep-rooted love for her old self manifested into loving her current, just so I could get glimpses into her past, into who I considered the real her.

This, I feel, is what drove me to attempt confronting her abyss, smashing down her walls and setting her free. It was the 'I can save her' psyche I culminated in myself at that time. If I were to describe one learning I imbibed from her, it would be that you can never truly save a person. Only one can save oneself from one's own void. Never interfere in another person's inner conquests and tidings, for it is not your place, and your mind can never truly encompass another person's world. Each person has their own paths to tread, their own lives to lead, and you are no one to change their course of fate.

The reason she eventually slowly cut me out of her life is because I was not a good person. I know this now. I recall many such instances wherein I hurt her through my actions. I hold her at fault for not a single thing that happened to me, but I do hold her at fault for what she did to herself. Not because I still love her, but as no person should ever so painfully kill their old selves in such manner wherein it brings about a profound hurt in the individual, and he/she finds only pain in being in their own skin. I say this not only in light of my understanding of her, but also to myself, as I am culprit of the same.

But at the end of the day, I tried. I tried my best to break her out of her vicious cycle, and wore out my soul in the process. Nobody can look me in the eye and say I left her to die, as I know and watched a lot of people she loved do the same.

We are not in speaking terms anymore. I spoke to her twice, impersistently, after I left. In each of these conversations, I felt she'd changed again. There was some sort of numbing coldness in her heart. I couldn't tell if it was because she was speaking to me, or if she'd become that way. I pray it is the former, as I truly hope she leads a beautiful life, one filled with happiness, passion, purpose and the right company.

Amidst these conversations, I imagined myself to be Nakoshi, from Homunculus (who could see people's deepest and darkest truths in the form of metaphors of what he subconsciously interpreted from them when he closed his left eye). I closed both my eyes and placed my left palm on my left eye. I opened my right and imagined looking at her, to see a beautiful, dense crystal of coldness in the deepest trench of her heart. I thought she would need a very long time with a vast range of new experiences before the crystal wilts like a flower and withers away.

Now, I know that I will most probably be wrong. Life, in its nuances, is too expansive, too dynamic, too spontaneous and too beautiful for scars to never effervesce, and it hasn't yet begun writing the poetry of our lives. We are but on the precipice of an inquisition into the impending flow of the universe, and all these moments will be lost, like tears in rain.

I thank her for helping me make who I am today, and pray she finds happiness and solace in her future. I pray she finds love, and loves, in its truest sense. In these words, I bid adieu to her chapter in my life, and all its attached thoughts and feelings.

[notgitfr]

time.

you see it now. clear as the light of day.

it was always your fault.

two years.

does time change man, or man change time?

maybe man and time are like the moon and tides.

but who's whom?

how does one become the moon?

my thoughts are haphazardous. i feel them slip out of my control.

i feel i'm fazing.

my mind's a standstill.

i'm no longer limitless, as the setting sun's purple sky.

i'm no longer articulate. i'm no longer a poet.

i look in my memories, and i see the old me.

i'm no longer him. i'm no longer, 'git'.

as the torrents of change rush past me, i feel him effervesce.

maybe a part of me's happy.

but he was my blood, sweat and tears.

and maybe, for all his mistakes,

maybe he was perfect.

[notgitfr]

as the sun sets in another world, i drown myself in my faraway solitary universe.

you were the sky.

and she was your burning summer sun.

your perfection resounded, reverberated most magnificently through your world as the sun assumed its molten red ochre.

but did you not realize she was setting? or did you think your limitlessness could drown the sun itself?

she left.

no matter, you thought. your stars will illuminate you.

your own world's cities blinded you.

long gone was your immaculate splendour.

that mighty, vibrant sky, was reduced to a never ending, ever-stretching abyss of black.

so, you leave.

you leave your dying stars.

you leave your self-abusive world.

you leave the whispering echoes of that unsaid, omniscient hope the sun would ever return to your life again.

she's dying.

her beautiful, blazing eyes, quivering as smoldering embers in feverish passion turn cold to stone.

you know.

but there's nothing you can do about it.

you watch, as the sun always does.

as the sun sets in another world, i drown myself in my faraway solitary universe.

[notgitfr]

believe.

just a stupid kid's introspections

i've been pretty wayward in ideals most my life. challenged everything.

challenged faith. challenged god. challenged social constructs. challenged love. challenged every small to significant thing in my relatively insignificant existence.

i think i always had the answers to them. someone's always been through what you're going through. i just never took them seriously.

making your own mistakes, you know. it's sexy. and i made them.

i loved every second of it.

i believe i'm a lifetime ahead of where i started. and i've got even longer ways to go. it's just the beginning of something truly beautiful.

but sometimes i need to pause and rewind. sometimes, i just want to resign to the idea of stillness in life, and be in a moment where i'm just one version of me. untouched by the unending currents of time and change, just, still. you know? imperfect. yet beautiful in my own way.

it's hard, man. it really is. going through shit yourself, in your own way. it's got it's exacting price to pay.

and this guilt's a little too heavy on my shoulders sometimes.

but it's okay.

i've learnt to let go.

let go of my sense of control over this beautiful mystery we call life. i can't grasp it. i'm just not capable of it. but i've accepted my defeat to it with grace, and i consider it my greatest teacher.

the most beautiful lesson it's always tried teaching me, is belief.

believe.

believe in your efforts.

believe in the process.

believe in the universe.

believe in people.

believe.

and somehow everything seems to get so much more beautiful.

i'm just another infinitesimal being trying to figure this shit out. and i've got no qualification to tell you how to take care of your stuff, really, but know that believing is something that can set some wonderful motions off in your life. maybe.

worth a shot, right?