notesfrombri - Tumblr blog

[notesfrombri]

For my first two years of college, I had a pretty tight group of friends. As freshmen, we all lived next to each other and took a creative writing class together. And for the first month or so, everything was great. But then drama happened, as it often does. By the end of freshman year, our perfect little group was heavily divided. Admittedly, it was mostly my fault. See, I'm a horrible judge of character. I adamantly ally myself with people who hurt me and push away the people who try to help me. Unfortunately, it's a very difficult habit to break, and the resonating pain that it's caused me throughout my time as an undergraduate has made me really hate college.

Looking back makes it easier to put things into perspective. I learned a lot in college. I bs-ed my way through my first fair isle chocobo and stuffed my first legless cat. And for two years, I had the best friends I could ask for. I'm not sure where they are now, but no matter how dark my life seemed at times, I wouldn't give up any of it.

[notesfrombri]

[notesfrombri]

The first time you do anything, it's scary at first, but at the end of the day, you feel good about having accomplished that thing you never thought you'd be able to do. Whether that thing is riding a bike, playing a video game, or cleaning out those fifty bins of old clothes you have sitting in your storage room. Knitting your first sweater is no different. I've met a lot of novice knitters who are so convinced of their own incompetence that the very idea of knitting a sweater terrifies them. 

I'd like to say it's much easier than everyone thinks, but in truth, it is difficult. It's overwhelming. You start at the top of the pattern thinking, okay, cast on a million stitches... blah, blah, blah... continue until your hands bleed... ugh... oh, dear god, am I done yet? It takes a long time, and there are always points where you're so sick of looking at the thing that you just want to give up. And with my first sweater, the Evil Blue Sweater of Doom (pictured), that's what happened. I got about halfway through the first part, which took me several months, when I got so frustrated I had no choice but to tear the whole thing apart and start over. So I started over, and the second time around, it was much easier. And after a while, I finished it. It wasn't spectacular or anything, but it was an accomplishment nonetheless.

I thought Disney was going to be perfect for me. It wasn't. It was an ambitious undertaking that turned out to be too overwhelming for me to handle given my situation at the time. Everything seemed hopeless, so I gave up, and now I'm starting my life over. In the end, like the sweater, I think the result should be better. Progress, anyway.

[notesfrombri]

And now, for something completely different

Hello readers,

I know, it's been a while. In case you're wondering, I have successfully escaped the hell-baked sauna that is Florida and reunited with Alex in our new home in Connecticut. Isn't is so pretty?

So, now what? Well, that's what I've been asking myself for the past three weeks. Contrary to what Disney movies have taught us, happily ever after doesn't quite work in the real world. Escaping from the life I didn't want and riding off into the chilly New England sunset isn't a cue for a fade to black and a credit reel. Theoretically, this is where my life really begins, but I have no idea where to go. I'm struggling to find a job, I'm getting nowhere with my writing, and this static, inactive lifestyle I've sunk into has coddled me into a state of misery and stress-marinated exhaustion.

So what do I do? Try as hard as I can to stitch my life back together.

For one, I'm taking up knitting again, which should cover the physical "stitching." For the rest, I guess I just take it one day at a time. That's all any of us can do.

[notesfrombri]

Dear Alex: Day 104, the last

I've spoken to you directly about how I've felt for the past three months, so it comes as no surprise to hear that I'm not happy here. I've learned this summer that Disney is not the place for me, so I have decided to terminate my program. This is something I've thought about very seriously since July, and I came to the decision for a number of reasons.

For one, I've been uncomfortable with my housing situation since my second week here. I live in a two-bedroom apartment with 5 other roommates. I already hate crowds, so the number of people alone was enough to make me claustrophobic. Then, of course, came the point at which everyone started treating me like I don't exist. They would all go out places without bothering to ask if I wanted to go, they would talk loudly while I was trying to enjoy some quiet time, and I was the only one who would do the dishes right away. Things only got worse as time went on, so I ignored everyone. I isolated myself and stayed out of everyone's way. Lately things have reached their worst, where the two girls sharing a room with me would give me dirty looks whenever I came home and wake me up every night by talking in the room while I was trying to sleep. I've never been forced to live with such inconsiderate people, nor been made to feel like such an outcast. It's like middle school all over again.

The only real thing keeping me going was work, since I absolutely loved my job as a performer. But a couple weeks ago, the realization came crashing down that between the sheer stupidity and lack of appreciation from the guests, and the total disconnect between myself and the rest of my "team," I felt no joy anymore. I was absolutely miserable, at home and at work. And I had nobody to talk to who I could trust or who I knew really cared about how I felt. I had become invisible and unwanted.

The only person who makes me feel anything is Alex, who was over a hundred miles away. Being away from him was a terrible struggle for both of us, and I was caught between feeling obligated to continue my program and wanting to go back to him. I realized that the struggle wasn't worth it anymore.

And recently, the thing that has pushed it over the edge for me was the fact that the pain from my recent neck/back injury is resurging. It had completely disappeared for about a week, then one day I started feeling soreness in my spine again. Now vertebrae in my neck and mid-back hurt to the touch, just as they did at the onset of my injury. My body is falling apart, and I constantly feel exhausted and sick. I feel certain that if I were to continue, I would seriously, possibly permanently, injure myself. It's not worth it to keep going while my physical well-being is at risk in this way. I need to fully recover (and not just be relegated to greeting, where I still spend eight hour days on my feet and in pain) before I can even consider working for the mouse again.

Self-terming is remarkably easy. It takes months of processing, truckloads of paperwork, and hours upon hours of standing in lines at check-in and casting to get into the program, but only about two minutes at the service center to get out. I've never quit a job in my life, and I wouldn't do so without a very good reason. This program is not what I need right now. And from the way I've been treated, I can tell nobody here will miss me.

Dear Alex, plans are in place. My dad is going to help me with the long drive to Connecticut, where you and I will move into our new apartment in Stafford Springs. It'll be quiet and scenic, and we'll get to enjoy all the charms of New England autumn. On Monday, I have an interview set up so I can join you back at Six Flags, where we have a tight shows family. We won't have to feel alone anymore.

[notesfrombri]

Cinderelly, Cinderelly :)

[notesfrombri]

 Live action references of Sleeping Beauty (1959)

[notesfrombri]

My back pain is starting to come back. This isn't good...

[notesfrombri]

Dear Alex: Day 93

Today, I met a small boy who came into the room, pointed at me, and said "Godzilla!" So I proceeded to chase him, Godzilla-style, while he ran in circles around the room. It was pretty fantastic. And no, he was not Asian.

[notesfrombri]

Those fools got nothin' on Br'er Rabbit!

[notesfrombri]

I don't even have words for this...

[notesfrombri]

Dear Alex: Day 91

The summer is drifting away, as is my excitement. I've forgotten what it's like to see the magic in what I do. It has, unfortunately become work. I suppose when you live with the magician and learn all his tricks, they lose their effect and become simple deceptions. You ushered a magic show this year, so I guess you would know this phenomenon pretty well. I used to love Disney. I thought it was the greatest place in the world. Now... well, it's work. 

I still look forward to bringing you here. Showing you around the world and watching you experience the magic for the first time, while it's still magical, will make it all worth it. We're almost there, and I can't wait.

Until then, it's morning shifts all the way down. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy getting out before 5. I'm very grateful I don't have the dreaded 3:30-1 a.m. spare shift in the next couple weeks. But getting up at 5 a.m. is starting to wear on me, especially today since I had trouble sleeping again. I'll be glad for the couple days of sleep I'll get while you're here.

Hang in there, love. Only 11 days left.

[notesfrombri]

I can't believe I've never actually seen the Canada pavilion. It's gorgeous.

[notesfrombri]

I’m still in disbelief…

[notesfrombri]

Dear Alex: Day 80

It's good to finally be back to work in Entertainment, though my back still hurts throughout the day. Yesterday I worked in Hollywood Studios for the first time. I was really looking forward to it, since a lot of people I work with say it's their favorite park to work in, but it was a little too confusing for my taste. I got lost on my way to the parking lot, then on my way to base. I was wandering around like a loser with my training packet of driving directions (which were not at all helpful). Studios has been extra crowded lately (I'm guessing because of the Frozen Summer event), so it was an interesting experience.

Today, I worked in Epcot, which would've been more fun without the back pain. But I suppose I shouldn't complain too much. My (rich) family's visiting, so I get to stay in their resorts with them. Tonight, we're in Bay Lake Tower at the Contemporary. Our balcony faces the lake, and I can see Spaceship Earth from there. I always liked the Contemporary because it's on the monorail line. You would like the monorail.

My everything hurts. I think it's time for bed.

[notesfrombri]

Dear Alex: Day 77

After three weeks, I am finally off my restrictions, and I'm clear to go back to my normal job on Thursday. Yay! Of course, to get that clearance, I had to drive to the doctor's office in Winter Park, wait nearly an hour for him to see me for five minutes, then drive back to Health Services for them to look at me like I'm speaking gibberish when I hand them the paperwork and tell them I'm cleared to go back to work. Because why would I want things to go smoothly?

In any case, it was nice to go back to costuming and get rid of my Transitional Duty costumes. I'm back in the game at last.

In other news, I pulled a massive clunk of gunky hair out of the shower drain. I don't enjoy living with girls. But at least the drain's fixed.

Dear Alex, I'm excited to finally go back to work, but I still feel like this isn't the place for me. If this had happened back at Six Flags, everyone would've asked about me, maybe even visited me, and would've been really happy to have me back. But I have no friends here, no support whatsoever. The operation is so big, I bet management didn't even notice I was gone. I know it can't be entirely true or I wouldn't have made it past the audition, but I feel invisible.

Then again, welcome to the real world, I guess. 

[notesfrombri]

Dear Alex: Day 74

I had some trouble sleeping last night, so it was kind of a rough day. But today was my last day of physical therapy. Apparently I've got my full range of motion back and I'm good to go back to work. Hopefully the doctor will agree when I see him on Tuesday.

Dear Alex, I was walking down Main Street, U.S.A on my way to work today. For the first time in a while, I really looked around and noticed how pretty it was. It's very clean, with picturesque storefronts, manicured trees, and colorful hanging baskets of flowers lining the road. As I looked, I suddenly realized that I'd like you to see it. 

I also got to hear the soundtrack from Dream Along with Mickey, the show they put on in front of Cinderella's castle, all day. It's a beautiful show. It's all about the power of dreams and believing in yourself. It's a lovely summary of the magic of the Magic Kingdom. I know you believe in those kinds of things, so I think you would appreciate it. Every time I see it, it makes me feel sad because I've stopped believing in magic, even though I help make magic for hundreds of families every day. I'd like to watch the show with you. Maybe that will help bring the magic back.

Besides, there's pirates :)