notanotherlovepage

[notanotherlovepage]

[notanotherlovepage]

[notanotherlovepage]

today i allowed myself to hear myself sing at fifteen years old

i think something is healing inside me

[notanotherlovepage]

Franz Kafka, Letters to Friends, Family, and Editors

[notanotherlovepage]

[notanotherlovepage]

[notanotherlovepage]

fancast

[notanotherlovepage]

I can fix him

[notanotherlovepage]

Would you treat your own daughter

the way you treat your inner child?

[notanotherlovepage]

Dear me:

I know you blame us. We did commit the crime, after all. We were so, so happy that we just tried to eat the world whole, and it was obviously not gonna fit in this little mouth of ours. But... was it really a crime? To ourselves, it was, i guess. We did change our lives drastically, or rather, how we live it. But i think we have to learn to forgive ourselves. We were kids. Following social orders, trying to have fun, to be happy. Because that’s what we were promised, happiness for 12 hours, and that, we needed. Not because we were unhappy, but because we always needed more.

Why do you always want more, me? Why do you think that, 2 years after that horrible, scary night, we are still there? Why do you trap us there? Are you scared to let go because we might become that person again? The person who put us in that state on the first place? Are you mad at us? At me? Am i supposed to be old me? Who are you, then? What part of us are you? 

You know damn well we’ve had our fun. We saw concerts, danced, sang, we’ve experienced joy and happiness after that night. Yes, not like before, but do we wanna feel like before? Do you understand that we are growing? We are not reckless teens anymore, we’ve had our young days. How about we try to be adults now? How about we try to have fun in other ways? 

Because, you know, even then, we didn’t exactly have fun. Sure, yes, we were happy, at least the last couple years, but as you know, we always wanted more. More drugs, more alcohol, more weed. Because it was never enough. The high, the rush was never enough. 

But we’ve had enough now, right? So, don’t you agree? Why not try to have fun in ways that fulfill us, that makes us feel complete? 

I am sorry, though. Or maybe you are. Because we are hard on ourselves. You are really hard on me. You make me think that we are never gonna be full again, that we will always be misguided by these fear lenses, that i lost myself, and i’ll never find myself again. 

But maybe, just maybe, we were kind of lost all along. Or maybe we were never lost. We tripped a little on the way here, but we are us, we will always be. I am that young, fun, fearless girl, and she is a fearful insecure poor soul. We are constantly mutating, shifting, but matter doesn’t ever dissapear, and we’re not either. We’re not going anywhere.

Dear me, please be patient. Chill, fearless days will be here again. We don’t have to find ourselves, we are already here. We don’t have to find our way, we are already on it. We can stop pushing ourselves to be better, we can always be better, but we are enough as it is. Stop pretending you’re miserable, when life is just hard sometimes and you are experiencing it. But life is beautiful too and you are there to see that too, aren’t you? And we were happy then, but we are happy now, too. Because life is so weird that it let’s us be different kinds of happy. So stop, take a break, breathe, trust me. We’ve got this. We’ve already got this.

[notanotherlovepage]

Y si, obvio que hay parte dos o que se yo, porque mi cabeza es un embrollo y voy y grito y pego y doy patadas denoche pero la que “tiene una mala noche” es ella, y yo se que debe ser un platon ser novia mia pero que cosa que me gustaria sentir, que alguien se siente afortunadx de tenerme. Y ella esta tan feliz y la pasamos tan bien y yo les juro que la adoro con todo mi ser, pero me esta deshaciendo, y me deshace que mis amigos sean sus amigos y necesitar hablar con alguien del abuso que a veces siento y que me claven el visto, y si, que van a hacer, hablar mal de su amiga? y no voy a pretender que mi vida se arreglaria si dejara con ella porque tambien esta la otra forra que hace 5 años no hablamos, termino todo para el orto pero se sigue apareciendo en mis sueños, a veces me quiere, a veces me ignora, a veces me trata de loca, y siempre pero pienso me despierto pensando como concha se fue todo tan al carajo y es que si, es como que la vida se me caga de risa porque me vengo a pelear con la unica persona que tiene ataques de panico y acto seguido me empiezan a dar a mi, y es tan feo tan horroroso, que a veces pienso que preferiria vivir sin un brazo si me dijeran que nunca mas siento esa ansiedad de mierda en mi vida, y pensa lo que quieras, que exagero, que soy una loca de mierda y es que lo soy y es que la vida me dejo asi, porque tal cual como los ataques de panico, nunca me paso nada pero yo siento que me muero y porque garcha me da miedo morirme si antes lo deseaba? que tan ironica puede ser la vida? como le decis a tu cuerpo que no pasa nada, que solo estas en el cine viendo una pelicula y que el pop no esta envenenado? y yo juro y re juro que no me arrepiento de haber tomado ese acido pero si, si me arrepiento porque me recontra re perdi en la re nada, me perdi en mi ansiedad, en mi novia, en mis viejos, en los amigos con los que no puedo hablar, y no me arrepiento porque si no era esto que era? iba a tener 35 tomando merca en el consultorio? iba a terminar en un psiquiatrico sola? iba a estar viva? mi cuerpo dijo stop y asi fue, literalmente pare pero ya esta amigo, ya entendi, dejame en paz, no lo hago mas, pero la vida no es asi y yo voy a tener ataques de panico toda la vida y voy a perder muchos mas amigos por loca y voy a tener pareja/s que me hacen mal y me voy a morir de re vieja en un residencial gritando por mi madre y que me vengan a rescatar, como escuche hoy que gritaba una vieja en el residencial mientras atendia a un viejo con escaras y que vida de mierda, pero bueno, descargos, no?

[notanotherlovepage]

De vuelta ando aca con 27 años escribiendo boludeces y esperando que? que alguien lea esto? que no lo lea nadie? que me caiga un hechizo magico y rehaga todas las cosas que me salieron mal? hace dos años vivo en un cuerpo que no es mio, no responde a mis comandos, que se activa solo y para cuando quiere, e igual yo tengo que ir y cuidarlo y mimarlo, como un nene chico que tenes y capaz lo queres acogotar pero sos la madre y lo tenes que querer igual, y estoy podrida de maternar, nunca tuve un hijo pero materno a mi novia, materno a mis pacientes, materno todo y no me se maternar a mi, todavia me siento una nena de mama que le da miedo irse a vivir sola pero ojito, que la mitad de la semana me voy a la casa de mi novia, que la adoro, la amo, pero a la vez no la soporto y me da rechazo, y estamos destinadas a estar juntas pero siento que el destino es un hijo de puta y me enamoro de una persona que me absorbe, me apreta y me hace pedacitos, y mis amigas no la quieren para mi, pero tambien son sus amigas, pero tampoco se la bancan mucho y yo no quiero ser. mas. madre. No quiero lidiar con los problemas de todo el mundo, quiero dejar de sobrevivir y empezar a vivir, y si, la paso bien, pero la paso bien? realmente me dejo de gustar salir denoche o estoy aterrada del olor a faso? soy simplemente “mas adulta” o me da miedo la libertad de la juventud? como puede ser que con 27 años vea viejitos postrados y les tenga envidia? me quiero encontrar, quiero vivir y gritar y todo lo que dice aquella cancion sin tener miedo de volverme loca o encontrarme en una simulacion o que mi madre se muera o que mi novia termine de hacerme pelota o quedarme sin amigos, al final pienso que estoy haciendo mal pero, que no?

[notanotherlovepage]

this is so important

[notanotherlovepage]

No, you aren't "behind in life".

But, it's okay to grieve the time you spent surviving. The time spent trying to figure out what was wrong. The time spent healing to become a person again.

It wasn't your fault.

[notanotherlovepage]

[notanotherlovepage]

maybe mediocrity isn’t wrong. maybe you don’t need to be the best at everything you do. maybe you don’t need to be the best at anything you do. it’s ok to simply do things because you enjoy doing them. its ok to not want to advance in your job. nothing has to be a competition. you don’t need to be better than anyone. you can do things just because they’re fun. you don’t need to read up on the history, and know everything about it. its ok to just exist. its ok.

[notanotherlovepage]

changing every “i should have known better” to “i know better now”. i will not judge past versions of me through the lens of who i am now.