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not-depressed-anymore · 6 years

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I started making music, working on an album. The other songs on my soundcloud are better because they were meant to be instrumentals but until I figure out how to make decent audio tracks it’s going to be like this.

#christian #christianmusic #music

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not-depressed-anymore · 6 years

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She is so adorable <3

clairo gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mngtcfcaVrI

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not-depressed-anymore · 6 years

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Clairo has replaced the spot in my heart that used to belong to poppy. <3

Pretty Girl by Clairo

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not-depressed-anymore · 6 years

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I just finished watching Hiimmarymary and it’s my favorite web series ever.

This has been absolutely the best web series I have ever or will ever see. This series is the pinnacle of everything great about what a web series can be. And I can’t wait to show my buddy this masterpiece later tonight.

Now I have my theories on what everything means and I’m going to explain that I am almost crying over the 3rd file off the sd card. Because I had that same conversation the night I threw about 15 people out of my life and I was planning on killing myself the night after.

So to start I think all the monsters symbolize any kind of depression, mental illness anything that makes you say the equivalent of “I’m less than.” Or “I’m ugly and disgusting I should kill myself.” I think the garden itself represents the times and places and activities we go to or do not live in depression. To fight against it with all of our being.

I like how in the tweets Mary never capitalizes the first letter because it’s like saying it’s incomplete or imperfect like how Mary view herself. Because the first thing we see when we look at a person is their face like how the first letter in a sentence should be capitalized and also notice when she is happy the monsters tend to not be around or bother her less except in the case where you wore that dress and she started mocking your appearance again. I think we have all been though that even when we look great to everyone else we can still not feel beautiful. We don’t see the true beauty in us like others do.

Let me tell you a little story of something that I did 36 days ago. All my life I have been fighting depression and it had gotten really bad over the winter and I started cutting myself. I cut myself on the backs of my hands to see if anyone cared about me. Somewhere pretty obvious. Only one person mentioned something but I couldn’t tell him the truth I lied and told him it was from tricks on my balisong. I knew he didn’t believe it but he said he did. That drove me into an even deeper depression and I started cutting more. For about two month all I did was go home and cry into my stuffed panda pile for hours on end because I believed everything my personal demons were telling me.

So my only stable group of friends since I left high school had a group chat I was in where they would plan hangouts. I didn’t go often and I stopped talking to them for those two months I shut myself off to everyone and everything besides one person and I told her all my issues and every personal detail I have ever had that I’ve never told anyone ever and she was my emotional outlet for this time which I can never repay her for even though we don’t talk anymore because of what I did.

They were worried about me and I posted something in the group chat and I was kicked out. I think they were trying to have me come to the realization that they did care the whole time. It’s confusing to me I’m trying to see it through their eyes. But I listened to every demon I had on me at the time. I deleted all of them off of everything except on here I still follow two of them. And I went on a rant to someone that I used as a middleman between them and I. And now I’m almost crying typing this because the truth is finally coming out.

I told them how they were a bunch of loser nolifes who were going nowhere and how basically I hated them all and hey were all terrible people. I said this so they would be angry at me so when I would kill my self the next day they wouldn’t be sad over my death they would still be mad and it would cover he possible sadness. I know that’s the worst idea any human could come up with but when you hold he devils hand and burn the bridges he points out to you, you find every reason to agree no matter how contradictory it is. Also, I made a small list of people I would still be willing to talk to just to stir up more anger towards me.

So a few of them got me on discord and a friend I knew since kindergarten who was one I told them two. I didn’t put him on the list and he got really upset and was crying on discord wanting to know why I was doing all this. For the next four hours three of them had me in this discord voice chat wanting answers but I wouldn’t budge. I’m not going to tell them I’m killing myself in fact at the time I waited until they did something to start the fire and I would add all the oil I could to it.

So about 15 people in my life gone all because deep down I didn’t think they cared about me and I wanted to kill myself and when I decided it was time I used their anger towards me as leverage to end my life. Clearly because I’m writing this to you today, Mary (I don’t know your real name sorry.) I never committed suicide.

And I just want you to know how important this series is to me. Even if all my symbolic ideas are wrong I still took them the way I did and it really helps the pain. I wish I could have them all back but I think it’s too late and no that’s not me being pessimistic I’m being honest.

Thank you for making Hiimmarymary. Also a quick thank you to night mind for making that video about your series. Mary, I really wish I could give you a panda squishy hug (>^^)> because I love everything about your web series. I love you so much. Thank you Mary. This series is so important to me.

I haven’t been sad or depressed at all for the last 30ish days because a few things I can’t talk about herebhappened a few days after I threw everyone out of my life. I’m doing so much better now and in two weeks I’m getting my bachelors in biblical studies ^.^ Your series will forever be in my heart <3 I hope this post reaches you.

#hiimmarymary #webseries #ARG #depression #night mind

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not-depressed-anymore · 6 years

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evan: i didn't WANT to stab you guys.. I guess it was just...

Vinnie:

Jeff:

Evan:... Force of HABIT..?

Vinnie: get out.

Evan: but its MY house!

Vinnie: out.

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not-depressed-anymore · 6 years

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Best web series ever

You know the Boys had to do it to em

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not-depressed-anymore · 7 years

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Truth

I feel like I only got a tumblr because I was sad and down at the time but now that changed into this tumblr being literally only my outlet for my love of that poppy because deep down I’m sad and lonely and I hope one day when I am in a better place In my life I hope I can have a girlfriend that is as beautiful as poppy one day.

#thatpoppy #that poppy #truth

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not-depressed-anymore · 7 years

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Yaaaaas <3

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not-depressed-anymore · 7 years

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<3

I’m your internet girl [source]

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not-depressed-anymore · 7 years

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Yaaaaaaaaaaaas

fetus poppy

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not-depressed-anymore · 7 years

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Class Notes Proverbs 3/7/18

Solomon had a big heart.

God is called El-Daeh ~ He knows in’s and out’s of us.

Rom 11:33-36, 1 Cor 1:18-31

Uses the weak things to confound the wise.

Hebrews 4:12-13~ The Word of God is living. When you speak or read out the word of God, it does things. It also does things with us. Knowing Him is the most important thing.

They just made a Viagra joke and I want to die.

1 Cor 13:12 ~ Eph 5:6 ~ We experience the washing of the Word. We see into the depths of Him.

Prov 6:22 ~ Listen closely to the Lord when you read your Bible.

1 Cor 1:30 ~ Jesus who became to us wisdom, A lot of Early proverbs is Wisdom calling out to us. 4,7,8 and first part of 9. These proverbs talk about Jesus. Replace Wisdom with Jesus.

Jesus is the tree of life to all who find Him.Jesus was the original foundation of the earth and nothing was created without Him.

8:23 ~ “I was established and ordained before the earth existed.”

Prov 1:7 ~ The fear of the Lord is beginning of knowledge. ~ To hate evil. Not to offend. To Revere. To life accordingly to His will.

through proverbs we see what Jesus does and doesn’t like.

Prov 6:16-19 ~ God lays it out black and white. “This is what I like this is what I don’t.”

Companion verses ~ Verses that say the same thing in a slightly different way. Ex: Prov 25:8 ~ Don’t argue your case Prov 18:17 ~ First to plead his case seems Just.

Prov 19:11 ~ It is to a mans glory to overlook a transgression. cx /w my garbage childhood. But they are forgiven so it’s all gooood in the mfing hooood. I’m just writing this so it looks like I am typing and not paying attention to the chance I might get called on to say something.

Prov 22 ~ He will deliver you.Sometimes trying to explain why you did what you did makes everything worse. The word “wait” in the verse means “expect, look for, gather together patiently.” You are going to expect and trust in Him to get you through. Use as a refuge. “Wait” is active. A weight can also be a troop of musicians that are waiting to play music for the King coming to town. Wait is active. Holy shit this is a really good class why didn’t I do this earlier.

Why do I do all this and I still want to kill myself literally everyday. All because I can’t get a lady panda ? I’m no incel cuck and I know I need to change myself but literally. I want God to give me a lady panda so bad my dream in this life is to get married.

It’s the Lord’s decision if you keep that position He wants you to be in. I don’t need to push to be a Pastor or whatever, it is just going to happen. Don’t have a spirit of competition.

Prov 18 ~ The Lord is the strong tower.

Pray in the spirit with a cone of silence around you so the enemy can’t hear it.

Prov 26:4 ~ Reply with an easy tone and don’t let what is bothering someone bother you too. They are singing we didn’t start the fire now. Oh God please no. Anthony Fantano Side channel PTSD.

Prov 22:24-25 ~ Nuff said. Just love them like Jesus.

Prov 10:19 ~ Weigh your words before you speak and speak sparingly.

Prov 12:20 ~ Missed notes because I wasn’t listening for the last 5 minutes.

Don’t assume someone has already heard it. ~ Guest Professor 3/7/18, Someone give this professor a medal. This speaks to me on a deep DEEP level.

Prov 2:16 ~ The Strange woman, Professor went on an important monologue about how young pastors need to be asked if they are being pressured in any way especially a sexual way. I’m going to keep this in mind when I join a ministry.

Prov 30:33 ~ Idiom for rubbing your nose in it. Don’t use Idioms in other countries.

The way you learn how to trust God is to trust in HIm ~ Makes sense to me.

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not-depressed-anymore · 7 years

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Bible Study personal notes 3/3/18

If you aren’t Christian just ignore this I have no where to put all this stuff.

Doing 12 hours of workbook stuff today I want to die.

Luke 5:1-10 ~ Fish symbolizes people, net symbolizes your love of people that came out of your relationship with God. CX w/ 1st Corinthians 13 (Whole chapter basically. AMP version.) Very important to have an unbreakable doctrine along with love or your net will break and it will just be useless. Even the use of a net is contradictory. (More on that another time

verse 6 their nets broke ~ CX w/ Ezekiel 47 the waters burst. CX w/ 1st Galatians 5:16-26 walking in the spirit.

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not-depressed-anymore · 7 years

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She is so cute I can’t <3 <3 <3