nostalgia-machine-404

[nostalgia-machine-404]

2.23.2025

537 pages. Went through the whole thing. I don't think it would have ever even worked. I know that I've romanticized our lives and how they were entangled. I know that for a decade you haven't been a real person to me, just an amalgamation of what ifs and best case scenarios that I left behind. I think it's possible you've grown into the person I thought you were, but you weren't that person when I knew you.

It isn't cute that you paid more attention to me when I was first introduced to your now wife. It isn't cute that you still paid me mind when you were in various relationships. It isn't cute that your poor imagining of me was while we were still in each others lives. It isn't good to place all our hopes and dreams on one person, but at least I did it while you weren't even in my life. Better for us, worse for me. To do it while we were still in it, that destroys things.

I've been trying to understand why I didn't take the opportunity. But I think I knew back then, and I rewrote history. There was a string of friends that ended up liking me, and didn't picture me as a human. As soon as they found out I was a girl that liked video games they decided I was perfect and for them. It was overwhelming and annoying, and I threw you into that bucket with them. But unfortunately for us, I think that was a fair call at the time. We'd barely had a full conversation by the time you cared so much about me. I think I was hesitant to care about you because I knew it started with you caring about an imagined version of me. And showing my real self would only result in disappointment, right? So I put you in a little box. And by the time we actually knew each other and I could start to care for you, the time was not right anymore. We moved on to years of trading being in relationships and terrible timing. And then you got married. And had a kid. And so it's over.

The forced realization that it's fully over resulted in immediate projection and various emotional reactions that have not been enjoyable. And now I've been working these past few months to get over both of you. I feel like I'm making progress. But only time will tell.

[nostalgia-machine-404]

New Years

So first time I’ve ever kissed someone on New Years. It made me quite happy. Hopefully there are more where that came from.

[nostalgia-machine-404]

2.22.2025

The day I decided I've had enough of not remembering this life.

My memory has always been awful. I don't have anything from childhood and my mental health has always worked hard to obscure the events of my life. But I don't know how to understand what I've been through if I can't even remember it. How to process and find closure in events I don't even remember.

So we're gonna start this journal. And we're gonna backdate some stuff. This will be a searchable log of what I've been through and how I felt in the process.