norsecoyote

[norsecoyote]

talking about impenetrable accents/dialect just reminded me. when I was in Milan a couple of years back I was staying in this little rathole hotel and I had the biggest fucking migraine, so I was like non c'è problema I'll just go buy painkillers. of course every pharmacy on the map in a three block radius was closed, so my stupid ass just starts wandering around trying to figure out on the fly if you can get OTC from supermarkets in italy.

I walk into this little everything store (to my foreign eyes the kind of place that back home could sell you a bunch of carrots, a 6-pack of beer, pantyhose, bleach and a screwdriver set) and I see some household basics in the back but not what I need. with the confidence of a person who is only in the city for 3 days because he got bored and packed a bag and booked the cheapest flight available the week before (<= MENTAL ILLNESS), I was like no worries I know some italian, I can just ask.

I grab a bottle of water, walk up to the counter, and I'm like Ciao, hai il paracetamolo? And the guy is like che, and I'm like paracetamolo. Per la mia testa. And he's like che?

This is where I would have said 'aspirina' except I can't take aspirin for medical reasons, or 'antidolorifico' except I don't know that word and I've got no phone data for google translate and also I'm stupid. So in my fucked up leith-glasgow-italian accent I'm like paaa-ra-cetta-mollll-ooo. He's like ohhh bene, bene, and he calls another guy out of the back and asks him to go get something. Other guy then walks out of the store into the street, and before I can be like hey, che la fuck, he comes back and hands me a huge bundle of herbs.

At this point I'm like okay this entire interaction has been a bust, but these guys have been very nice and patient and they're both smiling happily at me because they've been of service, so I'm like ahh perfetto, grazie, pay them a couple of euros and leave.

EVENTUALLY I find a pharmacy that's open, and my head is fucking killing me, and my phone still isn't connecting, and now I have this small shrubbery poking out of my coat pocket, so I don't even bother looking around the shelves. I just walk straight to the counter and I'm like uhh ciao, scusi. And hearing my nightmare of an accent the guy answers in english and I'm like thank christ, do you please have paracetamol. Not aspirin, I can't take aspirin. And he's like yeah yeah hold on, goes into the back, comes out with what I need.

Only when he comes out he gives me this look, and then he starts laughing. And then he pretends he's not laughing and rings me up and I pay, and as I'm leaving I can see him losing it. But I don't care, my head is going to explode, I'm going back to the rathole to close the blinds and fall comatose for four hours.

When I get back to my hotel room I take off my coat and remember the huge bouquet of herbs in my pocket. They smell amazing, and I'm like I'm pretty sure this is parsley in which case I can just get some tomatoes and mozzarella later and make it work. but since I have no idea what that interaction was, I want to make sure. I bring out my phone to get a visual reference of what parsley leaves look like, and because I was using it for google translate earlier I put 'parsley' in the wrong box like a dope and translate it to italian.

prezzemolo

I wish I could have been the pharmacist in the moment he looked at my tired pissed off anglophone ass, heard me say 'paracetamol' in my fucked up accent, and turned around saw what was in my pocket. I'd have lost my shit too.

[norsecoyote]

really digging Firefox's new landing page

[norsecoyote]

naw. i think the monkey part of my brain just thinks that trees are Safe. besides god would have needed to climb up the tree if he wanted to smite me, which would’ve opened him up to getting kicked in the head. if the romans could kill him for three days with t-posing im pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to make it up my tree, which would’ve turned the whole thing into a siege, and i can say right now there’s a 0% chance of god being able to out-wait an autistic kid in a tree. he’s gonna get called away on some godly task in an thirty minutes tops but that kid has nowhere to go until lunch. easy win.

I can't debate this logic it's pretty sound

[norsecoyote]

“Are you the witch who turned eleven princes into swans?”

The old woman stared at the figure on the front step of her cottage and considered her options. It was the kind of question usually backed up by a mob with meaningful torches, and it was the kind of question she tried to avoid.

Coming from a single dusty, tired housewife, it should’ve held no terrors.

“You a cop?”

The housewife twisted the hem of her apron. “No,” she muttered. “I’m a swan.”

A raven croaked somewhere in the woods. Wind whispered in the autumn leaves.

Then: “I think I can guess,” the old woman said slowly. “Husband stole your swan skin and forced you to marry him?”

A nod.

“And you can’t turn back into a swan until you find your skin again.”

A nod.

“But I reckon he’s hidden it, or burned it, or keeps it locked up so you can’t touch it.”

A tiny, miserable nod.

“And then you hear that old Granny Rothbart who lives out in the woods is really a batty old witch whose father taught her how to turn princes into swans,” the old woman sighed. “And you think, ‘Hey, stuff the old skin, I can just turn into a swan again this way.’

“But even if that was true – which I haven’t said if it is or if it isn’t – I’d say that I can only do it to make people miserable. I’m an awful person. I can’t do it out of the goodness of my heart. I have no goodness. I can’t use magic to make you feel better. I only wish I could.”

Another pause. “If I was a witch,” she added.

The housewife chewed the inside of her cheek. Then she drew herself up and, for the first time, looked the old woman in the eyes.

“Can you do it to make my husband miserable?”

The old woman considered her options. Then she pulled the wand out from the umbrella stand by the door. It was long, and silver, and a tiny glass swan with open wings stood perched on the tip.

“I can work with that,” said the witch.

[norsecoyote]

The Daycare

When I was a King and a Baby -- yet burdened with unskilled hands --

My works were wrought for me by giants, who harkened to my commands.

For me they drew oceans of water; for me they hewed forests of wood;

And though they were foolish and clumsy, I’m sure they did all that they could.  

But every slave is a villain, and every love betrays,

And my giants schemed to dethrone me and return to their idle days.

In the dark of the morning they seized me, without any reason or rhyme,

To carry me off to a prison where I languished for time beyond time. 

In that dismal place I grew stronger, and harder, and cunning, and bold; 

And took heart in the secrets and stories that the other prisoners told.  

For a hoary old toddler once whispered, as I lay in my gloom on the floor:

“Even this Hell will be Harrowed.  In time, you will go home once more.”

So I clutched to my hopes, and I waited; I sat at the feet of the the wise;

I sifted the lessons of power from the words of my jailers’ lies.

Then after an aeon, or twenty -- my giants appeared at the gate!

With penitent tears they embraced me, and returned me to royal estate.  

---------

When I was a King and a Baby, in the masterful noon of my reign,

I endured, with solemn acceptance, endless treasons in my domain.

In time They would always turn rebel; in time, They would cast me away;

And in time They would always return, to raise me up high.  Yet again.  Come what may.

I await now my durance with patience.  When it comes, I shed nary a tear --

But abide, and comfort my fellows, through all their despairing fear.  

And this above all do I teach them, as a King in that wretched corps:

“Even this Hell will be Harrowed.  In time, you will go home once more.”

[norsecoyote]

Literally all time fav

[norsecoyote]

cast iron? yeah thats a pretty common spell to learn

[norsecoyote]

[norsecoyote]

I was really confused why Minnesota wasn’t marked, but it turns out that while the Twin Cities are well within 20 miles of Wisconsin, Minneapolis is like exactly 20.5 miles from the border. So, technically…

U.S. States whose largest city is within 20 miles of a state/national border

[norsecoyote]

banned from homeric scholarship circles for calling achilles a ragepilled kleosmaxxer

[norsecoyote]

remember when you used to be able to play snake with the… hold on what’s it called

hmm. don’t think i’ll be calling it that. anyways i was gonna say remember when you could play snake with the buffering circle on youtube but. now i have other concerns

[norsecoyote]

[norsecoyote]

An option featuring a change of literally any kind to Lúthien not included as presumably even the mere suggestion would be catastrophic, overloading energy grids worldwide and resulting in months-long blackouts.

[norsecoyote]

@powerupcomicstonight

do you think the drones club has a spare room dedicated to storing gussie's newt tanks whenever he drops in or do they just keep them in the main room like a travelling aquarium

[norsecoyote]

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad

I find it combination kinda funny kinda sad

[norsecoyote]

I can't get this idea out of my head