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[norable-blog1]

Fear

I realized something recently. Fear is leading my life.

Does anyone struggle with this? I feel like I let it take over my life more than the average person. 

I don’t make decisions due to how scared I am that it will turn out terribly. I don’t mean in my love life, but in my every day life. The little things that shape and direct my future. The things that make the biggest impact on my life are being made through fear... I can’t make a decision without over thinking every aspect of it. My career? My school? My life? All in shambles! My fear isn’t helping me, it’s just making me more depressed. 

I am tired of living in the shadows of my own fear, the only person I will let down is myself and I need to be prepared to face facts. I will never become anything special, I will never make it in the world, I will never help anyone, NEVER. Unless I can help myself? Unless I can make a decision? Unless I decide to take control. 

I am taking control. I am going to man my own destiny. I want change and I am going to fight for it. 

[norable-blog1]

Coffee

Instead of spilling the tea... I’m going to spill the coffee. It’s 16 degrees outside right now and I’m sitting inside with a blanket and pipping hot coffee. Yet, I still feel cold? 

How is it that on days like today my feet will never get warm? I could wear my purple and white polka dotted socks that are thick and fuzzy, but still have cold feet. The only thing that will solve this problem is a steamy bath. 

Unfortunately I don’t get one of those till after I get off work tonight at 2, but I wont get home until 3. Who knows they might make me stay and clean mirrors for an hour after we close for 2.13. Yes, I waitress and the club I serve drinks at kept me over 2 hours after closing to clean impossible messes. The mirrors have permanent streaks on them and no matter how hard or what I scrubbed with they were stuck. 

Sometimes I feel like my life could be a really interesting and messed up Cinderella story, while other times I feel like my story would be too boring because when I am not working I’m sleeping. 

I should really keep a diary, but I suck at keeping up with it. I make the goal every year to finally keep a daily diary. I’m 20 and still can’t write more than once a month in it. 

Till next month then? 

Adieu.

[norable-blog1]

No More College?

I applied to a college for the spring semester of 2019. I got in! YAY! 

Well, yay until I found out I qualify as out of state for tuition?  What... the... ****. 

That was my first response, because I was born and raised in this state! How could I possibly not qualify for instate tuition? Well it turns out... if you make very little money and live with your sister and have no real bills in your name because your only 20 and still have to have a parent to cosign car loans and stick to the family phone plan, then you don’t qualify as an independent person. Which I get, because I’m not technically living on my own so I don’t have rent, but that is a blessing so I can focus on school full time. Well, not anymore! It has become a curse. Neither of my parents have claimed me on their taxes for the past 2 years, so I claimed myself. Someone had to do it, might as well be me. WRONG. Now I can’t “prove” residency in my state because I don’t have a leasing agreement. 

My second response was to call someone from the schools administration building. Julie, let’s just call her that, was in charge of reviewing my application. 

“Hi julie, My name is Nora and I feel like there has been a mistake in my application. Somehow I qualified as out of state, but the problem is I have never lived anywhere else.” That’s how the conversation started out.

“What do you mean not your problem?! WHY CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?” And that is how the conversation ended. 

I may have cried, eaten a whole bag of chips, and then the next day I went down there in person. I got a form to fill out and I filled it out. My status was unchanged. I got an official email from Julie that the schools decision was final and if I wanted to ever change my status I needed a leasing agreement and to fill out an official appeal.

So, most people would accept defeat by this point right? Not me! My boyfriend was pressuring me to keep pushing for the answer I wanted. By this point I am not even sure what answer I wanted. Why would I wan’t to go to a school that didn’t want to help me? Every person I came into contact with blew me off, never emailed or called me back, or straight up told me it wasn’t their problem. In my last attempt to reach a real person I emailed the man in charge of the appeals to change your status. I spilled my heart out to him, I told him my life story from start to finish and why I couldn’t fill out an official appeal. The next day I got an email back from him! I was so excited this was the first response I was getting from someone in a long while.

“Dear Nora, I am sorry but I do not know your full story, you were simply referred to me by another office. I take offense by your letter and I cannot do anything to help you.” - Sincerely Bryan Dickhead. 

.... 

Well, happy 2019 everyone?