nopaynnenogain-blog

[nopaynnenogain-blog]

A nervous wreck with bruises spread out on my legs, baggy eyes, and cigarettes burns in my favorite jacket...right in front of Harry Styles. A meet and greet, nothing more. That's all it was. He was sweet and I expected it. I didn't expect him dragging me on stage, I didn't expect him to invite me to dinner after the show. At first, I was cruel enough to think he took pity on such a wreck on me, but at the end of the night he kissed me.

The weeks went by, and he was suddenly calling me daily. He then considered himself my boyfriend. We were different appearance wise, but we actually had so much in common. Maybe that's why he adored me so much.

I was a wreck, about to give up on myself completely...but one night, after we crumpled the bed sheets with our bare bodies, he pointed out my flaws so wonderfully.

His fingers traced along my thigh as his green eyes targeted me, "Your bruises remind me of a dark lake. Everyone is scared at first to swim, but what lies under the surface overcomes the fear." His eyes locked with mine, "A beautiful treasure." Harry whispers against the skin of my neck, "Your eyes look dark, scared...but why does it hypnotize me so damn much?" The soft touch of his lips made me realize...I'm so cruel to myself.

Harry reminded me I am important, I could be loved just as he showed me.

I'm beautiful.

I'm just as important as anyone else.

I

am

a

beautiful

garden.

[nopaynnenogain-blog]

There wasn't much to it at first.

Niall was always there, that's all...but then he started to be there when he wasn't. Niall was always in my head, invading my thoughts in the best way possible. Narry was the ship name our fans have given us, and I really liked it. Every time I stole a stare at Niall, Narry would pop into my head as if it were possible.

The hugs were the best, and the friendly kisses we gave each other. I was lucky enough to be so close to him that it was okay if I planted a kiss on his cheek. Niall's smile after melted my heart and made it go rapid. It wouldn't be easy crushing on my best friend without him knowing, but it was enough.

One day, it finally slipped out. Not intentionally, it just happened when my emotions were high. After he had told me he had been seeing someone, I panicked. I would never forget the words that brushed past my lips, "I love you, Niall. I don't want to be your best friend, I want to be yours." I was ready for him to reassure me that nothing would happen between us, but he just stared at me.

"I want you to be mine."

Niall's words were so soft and calm, it made my tears dry up.

Finally after all the flirting, the hugging, the kissing, we took pictures together. The first time we posted a picture, we hesitated. Niall glanced at me and saw me nod, as if to say it's okay. Once posted, we set our phones aside for a while...the reactions were very supportive, but overwhelming.

I was able to be seen around Niall now, be with him without anyone thinking we were just friends.

Narry is real.

As years would pass by, we were more open. We even had a wedding that was meant to be private (papz snuck pictures and plastered them in every magazine), we finally started a family with a beautiful baby girl.

Every today, I would look over to Niall and be glad that he had been a part of my future.

And my youth.

[nopaynnenogain-blog]

The smell of cannabis travels around the house filled with drugs, sex, and broken drunken bodies. Although my body was distracted by the dancing, sweat, and bodies rubbing against me, my mind was still filled with him. Not even a huge party could distract me from the break up, he still lingered in my mind. Memories of him swept over me as the music vibrated the house walls.

Getting high didn't help either, it only worsened the feeling. The more relaxed I became, the easier it was for him to intrude my mind. I tried locking away the feelings and memories for him, but it haunted me at my highest and lowest points.

Liam always had a way to reach my soft spot, even when he wasn't around. So when he finally decided it was time to go back to Cheryl and Bear, he left me in shambles. I know he didn't mean to leave on bad terms, but it ached my heart when he left out the door and whispered his final goodbye. So as time passed, I started to dread being around him.

So I left One Direction.  

Making music helped some, but not completely. He was my inspiration for almost every song, which only encouraged him being in my mind.

Liam would call and text, and I'd answer. Maybe I shouldn't be answering. Maybe it'll be easier to escape him and the control he had over me...no, I shouldn't think that way. Liam was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He treated me right, showed me what love really was when I had started to give up hope. Even if an image of him, or his name popping on my screen phone hurts more than anything, I would never believe that our love was made to break.

[nopaynnenogain-blog]

The dried grass brush against me as I pass along.

He never did leave my mind, he never could. Even in the most beautiful and barren places, he still managed to rush in my head, the greatest memories of my life. He escaped past my palm, trickled past my fingers. He was so cruel, but even when I want to remember the bad things he had done, I could only remember his smile...the traces of his tattoos, the way he looked away from me when I inched closer.

His slurred words and whiskey breath didn't mean much. Liam had the urge to walk pass me with a full blown fog over his brain, as if I didn't exist. He would stumble pass me and slur under his breath...but I took care of him, even when he swung at my touch.

The way he cowered away from my touch didn't bother me. I would help him lie down on his side, offer him some water. If I was lucky, he would accept me and break down as he clung onto my shirt. Other nights he would yell at me before vomiting into the bucket I offered him.

Liam was the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me. And even in front of an amazing view, miles away from being in the same room as him, I still cry to the thought of losing him.

I'm an idiot, I know.

But the truth is

I don't give a fuck.