nookofmyuntoldstories-blog

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You check on some people from past not because you miss or still care. There is something that leads to them. To wonder. You got the answer. You realized how far you all have gone. How you all grown up. Childish things that makes nonsense in the present. But they are still memories. You always wish that nothing could lead to cross all your paths in the future. If that happens, there just two situations: go back to where what was it or start all over again. You still wish that nothing could cross your paths ever again. 

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I don't want to wait for our lives to be over. I want to know right now what will it be? I don't want to wait for our lives to be over. Will it be yes or will it be...sorry?

My personal soundtrack for the movie One Day. See, I really can't get over the movie!

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One day, how would you value that day? The day when a lot of things happened. The day that has changed your life. The day that you should supposed doing something but ended up in another. That day. That one day.

I were excited to go home last time because I know no one is in the flat. Thinking that I can do ANYTHING I WANT since it is Saturday night before I start some things again in Sunday morning. I ended up watching a movie with no idea what movie to watch. Just thinking I want to release all my feelings through watching a movie. Until I remember the movie "One Day"

I swear not to do any blogs about this movie but I just can't get over it even in my sleep.

It is now Sunday morning deleting messsages, notes, and photos in laptop and read one-day-from-now-on quotes here and there. Then I realized the movie One Day.

There will be a lot of things that may happen one day. One day you may got a job. One day you may fall in love. One day you may be in a relationship. One day you may have acheived your dreams. And then one day you may be gone in just one blink. No one can really tell what may happen one day. But this movie makes me think that one day I should live the moment in the fullest. Though the fullest is exaggerated because how could you live the day at the fullest if your work is not enough for 24 hours, right?  But that fullest means living the day as your happiest, you know you did right, and you know you will be satisfied for the day. Living no regrets, living no anger in the heart. So that one day you are ready what will happen next in your life.

One day in my life? I have no idea either. But for now, I know I have to study because we have two quizzes tomorrow! :)

HAVE A HAPPY SUNDAY AND EVERY-DAYS! :)

NP: Good life - One Republic

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The things I am doing right now, when I am not studying or just do not want to study because I do not want to mind what my course is all about or what is already in our syllabus or many ORS, will this matter one year from now?

One year from now, I will be graduating in college, FINALLY. One year from now, there's a huge difference from what I had in three years in college.

My ultimate dream in college is to be awarded as cum laude. It is my dream because I want to make this as my gift to my parents, as my gratitude, for their life-long sacrifice for spending all their money on me, instead of saving up for their future alone. I know it is not just the only way to say thank you. To graduate in college is already enough but because I love them so much I want to give them more.

I do not know if I can still be. It is hard. And my grades are so low than they were.

Scrolling down on blogs, I saw the word cum laude on one of the posts of one of the people I follow here. I suddenly felt that "HEY I CAN ALSO BE LIKE THAT!" but I just remember how I acted these past weeks just when the school started. Or even how I were over the summer. I know I should be studying those times, prepping up for the major. But I did not because I prefer to go out and meet new peeps, though I obviously know what I were doing those times were so far different from what I think I will be doing in the future.

Future is only for people who prepare for the best. But right now, I think I am not either. I am not doing my best. I do not know why. There's something I am more excited for my future to get unfolded right away than what is exactly I am doing here in the present. How will that ever happen if I am not even acting today?

So there happened my consequence: I wasn't able to be qualified in one of the quiz bees our major offered. Honestly, I got angry with myself because I really want it but my abilities were not enough cause no matter what overnight review I did for the four courses we had, it was just useless for two overnights. What if I actually gear myself over the summer? Maybe there is really a chance. Plainly speaking, I  did not prepare myself in the past so I am not ready in whatever surprise pop outs in the future. I just let the school days happen to start all the work. And now I am so stress to run over my notes again.

Therefore, I have no future right now.

But this quiz bee is not just the only tool for my future. There's so many as I go in the way. I should not degrade myself just because of it.

But as I am in this process, I really have a problem with myself. A problem that no matter how big effort I put, no matter how fancy motivations I asked, I really can not do it - to participate in class. I really do not like to recite. I occasionally listen to the lectures. But I just stare to the teachers and notes in the blackboard, pretending that I am listening. I am this ever since. Maybe that's why I prefer self-study than to actually attend classes. But I must really learn to change this habit. I MUST REALLY BE PARTICIPATING BECAUSE AFTER ALL THIS IS WHAT IS REALLY LIKE IN THE WORK PLACE. YOU PARTICIPATE, YOU LEARN. NO PARTICIPATION, NO LEARNING, YOU GET FIRED! That's why I am here in school to practice these communication skill. No school, there's no practice ground. So I must really love school. No matter what I do with my class' and other activities' schedule, I must really prioritize my school. Oh I must start to forget the other activities!

Just have to remember that going to school is not just for grades. I must go to school to learn and develop my skills. Two more years. And one year from now I do not know what will be the result, but all the things I am doing right now WILL BE MATTER SO MUCH. I MUST CHANGE. I MUST GIVE MYSELF A CHANCE TO CHANGE.

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Whenever I am at fashion blogs, there's a feeling inside me that I want to be as well. But then realizing my feelings everytime I go shopping. Uh, just ask me again next time. Feelings do change!

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When you are making a way to stand out, there are really people who will always put you down. Nevertheless, dont give those people a shit but make them slip on their own shit!

A.M.

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Whenever I look back on my child school days, I am always disappointed because I did not study ever.

Whenever I look back on my pre-teen school days, I want to turn back time because I never dare to study.

I am now in third year of college. I do not know if I am studying hard or not. But one thing's for sure, I always open my books and ready for racing lectures.

I wonder why I am not like this in my younger years in school. Maybe if I were like this I wouldn't dare anymore to catch up to all the things I missed.

These days I met people who have great achievements in their younger years. Through their descriptions I imagined what were they like before.

Maybe if I were also like that, I could get what I want.

Maybe if I were also like that, I could concentrate in one area of intelligence.

Maybe if I were also like that, I already knew myself. I suppose I know what to say during introductions.

If I just obey my parents back then maybe my life is easier right now. Not something I am dying to get right now.

But to my mom and dad who are the biggest pressure of my life, if ever I did not get what you want, please always remember I am doing my best. Maybe it is not in academics but in other things that I am much inclined. Though it is still your fault why I am not enrolled in the course that I really want which is Architecture or Fine Arts. But forget that! I'll just explore myself on the other things.

So mom and dad, I know I am such a stubborn kid. Forgive me because you guys are confused on what will I become someday. I always enroll myself in different activities, workshops, seminars which is far different from my course. But that's my only way to see where I could fit myself and be happy.

As I said, I need a lot of catch ups and this is why I always explore.

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Time's up for lectures, workshops, and seminars. Time to change the game. Time for real challenge.

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But this is a bookstore, so I'm not alone.

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Reblogging this from my old tumblelog. I liked him that much back then and it faded away in late half year of my first year college. But no regrets.

You’re my favorite portrait to sketch. I MISS YOU!! I wish I have a time to draw you again. :(

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A sudden motivation for the forgotten dreams of mine. HAHAHA!

Should I pursue my childish dream or live through what is actually happening in the patterns of my reality?

I don't know. But I felt that time is gold, I must work hard and be a good child.

Gods of destiny, please dont befuddle me.

If I could only see things. But I dont.

But one thing's for sure: Yoo Seung Ho you really keep me inspired. Thank you! And you deserve a birthday gift! HAHAHA! I am sorry for throwing away my feelings for you this past year because I thought there's nothing to have. But.... But.... But.... WHY?!! (HAHAHA!)

P.S. Pardon me, I am dreaming again. HAHAHA! I am such a presumptuous woman when it comes to my dreams - when signs are appearing. :)

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I went to Southmall yesterday with my mom to shop for what I needed this week. While walking, I saw Tous Les Jours and make kwento to my mom about this bakeshop. And it's been awhile since I had a good treat from her, we tried it out. (Haha! My magic!)

When I stepped inside I wander through the racks of bread. I cannot decide what to pick especially when I saw the corner for cakes which made me feel excited for my birthday. (AS IF! :)) ) After we had picked all we want to buy, our purchase reached the minimum for the free coffee so we decided to dined in.

We ate Milk Bun and Sweet Black Rice with Sesame Seeds and Cream Cheese. I liked the latter because of its unusual taste.

I'm excited to be back at this store to try the other breads!

Tours Les Jours has also a store in SM North.

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While it is 4 in the morning and thinking of theme concepts and designs, listening to songs like this is my comfort.

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Geez, I'm sucked at about mes/introductions. Like I don't know who I am.

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May the karma be with us.

What do you exactly feel when you are caught up with wrong expression? We have different expressions toward how to react on this matter. In my case, I am used to this because I did not actually expect people to get a real idea of me. During introductions I do not say much because I am afraid that it is too much that I might appear showy and boastful person. It might appear dramatic or trying to be cute (or pa-cute). Truthfully, it is not in my "vocabulary" to be like those because there is nothing to be and it is not me...first and foremost. Truthfully, I just accept all the criticisms about me and reconcile if I am actually that kind of person. Unfortunately, it sounds sarcastic whenever I received compliments. When it is against me I easily do not mind those. It is their opinion. I still respect that. And I have my own life and I know how to kick it. It is not in my "vocabulary" to bother those opinions in what is the real me. 

This day I felt that I was fed up with the impressions throwing at me. Not only what happened to me today but it is weird that all the impressions I have received through the years suddenly bombed in my feelings. And that what makes me cry so hard while typing this.  

So what occurrence put me this way and blog about wrong impression? 

It is on my way home, from Sucat to San Pedro. I rode the jeepney and it is EXPECTANTLY common that jeepneys are crowded in seats. There was this mother and daughter who also rode the jeep just after me. Before WE rode this jeep, there are two more seats left before the jeep was ready to go. So I rode first and I do not know that there is someone just after me. The seat left for me was beside this mother and her baby as well. When I already sat in the jeep I looked for my wallet to pay for my fare. While looking for my wallet, here's the entrance of the mother and daughter I said earlier. At first THIS MOTHER said to me, "MISS EXCUSE NGA", then I moved. After paying for my fare she said again, "MISS EXCUSE NGA", then I moved again. Then just after the driver started his engine she said again "MISS EXCUSE NGA", then I moved again. It automatically hinted me that she is not comfortable with her space so I keep on moving away from her, though I already find it hard how should I still move when I have this mother and baby on my left and how limited the space is. Not even seconds had passed THAT MOTHER said to her daughter, "sa akin ka sumandal anak, ANG ARTE KASI NG KATABI NATIN". Then I answered her back " ANONG GINAGAWA KO SAYO?..." She did not even let me to finish my sentence she said abruptly, "ANG ARTE MO MISS! ANG ARTE MO!" Then I said, "IKAW NA NGA TONG BINIBIGYAN NG SPACE AKO PANG..." Then she do it again, "ANG ARTE MO MISS! ANG ARRRRRTE ARRRRTE MO!" Then something reminds me that I should not give her a damn and there's no point arguing with her even I explained my point and lastly I have seen this scene from other people and I swear when it happened to me I won't give any damn at it. In my case, I just obey what she was requesting from me and why am I still wrong?! She added more obscene words from her last sentence, "..ANG BATA-BATA MO PA ANG ARTE ARTE MO NA" It is weird she repeated it again, "ANG BATA-BATA MO PA ANG ARTE ARTE MO NA! AKALA MO KUNG SINO KANG..... ANG ARTE ARTE MO MISS!!!! ANG ARTE ARTE MO!!!!!!!!!!" Then I looked at her with "what expression". Then she said "KUNG MAKALAYO KA SA AKIN PARANG MAY SAKIT AKO! KUNG MAKALAYO KA SA AKIN PARANG MAY SAKIT AKO! ANG ARTE ARTE MO!!!!!!!" Then I turned my look away. She said again, "ANG ARTE ARTE MO!!!" Then I whispered to the mother on my left, "Wala naman ako ginagawa, sinunod ko naman gusto niya" Then the mother on my left said, "Hayaan mo na" Then THIS MOTHER SAID AGAIN, "ANG ARTE ARTE MO!!!!! ANG ARTE ARTE MO!!!! ANG ARTE ARTE MO!!!!!" I really wanted to shut her up because everybody was looking at us already. She keep on saying those words and finally she stopped. It is a relief but my right half of body (which is actually closed to her) feel numbed to all what she said. I suddenly close my eyes and I want to cry but I should not that time. I tried real hard to stop my emotions by thinking of things what happened to me this day earlier. The new people I met, the find it hard to negotiate with what happened to my attendance from my term and I have to avail the days I did not attend because seriously my mom will get mad at me, the things I learned in the class, the VTR of being a not so so reporter, the no lunch because I was catching the time of the train, that passengers can actually open the windows (I just know about it), the book I read in the book store, the "english spokening" mode with my friend, the experience of wearing six inches high heels in this newly opened shop. I am happy with these things already because something made my day again.  It is a wonderful day actually but she ruined it. I just closed my eyes until she was gone.

Then the mother on my left side asked me "Ano ba nangyari?" Then I tell her and finished it with, "ANG LABO NIYA!" Then she and the girl in front of us smile at me. I could no longer control my feelings. I do not know if I should get affected and tell it to my family when I reached home. But I decided not to. So I controlled my emotions.

I saw my family eating dinner happily. So I joined them immediately. I even praise my mom's own recipe of chicken noodles. And then brother was teasing me all the way until I burst my tears while I was eating my noodles. (Just imagine how grossed was that.) They asked me if I were crying then I said, "tears of joy lang to, di ba ganito talaga ako kapag sobrang tawa?" But I wasn't even laughing at all. Until I managed to write some of it when I saw a gif in this blogging site. But the hard feelings I felt just can't get away. I cried minute by minute when I remember that DISASTER and how weird it is that I remember all the DISASTERS happened to me. I was very humiliated. Humiliated that that act or noun was not all about me after all but I just had to accept it and bear that humiliation. How degradedly it is. And my family keeps on asking me why I am crying but I find it hard to tell them because I do not know where to start in front of them. Or maybe because I am tired already. (But I am still here, blogging)

So now, I do not know how to end this blog. (Pardon me if it is not rightful enough to call it a blog) But actually, what I really wanted to say in this "blog post" is I HAVE FEELINGS AS WELL. If you were, or currently, and will be part of my life and I perceived to be "no emotions" because I do not show them, well you guys were only fooled with the tricks I do with my feelings. If you guys love to trick me because it is alright she has no emotions any way, well MAY THE KARMA BE WITH YOU. If I perceived to be so good to be true, well that's all just your thought. I know how to fight back, and it is just in the right way. If I perceived to be so selfish, demanding and dot dot dot, it's all your in thought again only. I know how to care but I just don't show them publicly. I know what is right from wrong and vice versa. I know how to handle my emotions. I know who are the people I can talk to with them. I know how to be happy, friendly, crazy, spontaneous, humorous, drunk, dumb, angry, intimidated, jealous and dot dot dot. I know what were actually happening at my back. I can understand sync of human actions with mind and vice versa.

Just thanks to the book I read this day and I am very excited to go back at the book store to read it. It still reminds me that I should focus on what I really want in my life. Just be good and I will be in the right track.

So I really do not know how to end it.

MAY THE ODDS BE IN OUR FAVOR na lang siguro. 

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Rufus Wainwright / Out of the Game