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Howard County, MD (Part 2) (sad boi edition)

Friends, I have seen some depressing houses in my short lifetime, but I have to say, this Howard County estate is seriously up there. 

Built in 1999, this Certified Dank™ McMansion is a beaut, boasting 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms and is selling for just under $900,000. This house is especially unique in that it has to be the epitome of lazy and cheap construction techniques featuring various crimes against the field of architecture. 

The Stunted Foyer

I have so many questions regarding this space. So, so many. Rarely do I find myself completely stumped by architecture not designed by Frank Gehry, but it seems that I have met my match. I have forgone commentary in order to simply ask questions: 

The Sad Sitting Room

Perhaps a seasoned architect can explain to me what is going on with this window, because my books have nothing. 

The Sad Dining Room

Beige is a noun, an adjective, and now an emotion expressing various degrees of nihilism!

Very, Very, Sad Kitchen

(insert joke about sad frog hate speech claims conforming to your political beliefs)

Sad Dining Nook

(Check out that wholesomeness in the bottom-right corner! :) :) ) Also being smack dab in the white southern middle class, I spent a lot of time with mom at Walmart in 1999, and I’ve seen some things (or maybe not - lots of it was camouflage patterned)

The Not-Great Room

why not put the clock further up?? also i can only be wholesome once per post. the bottom-right corner has returned to nihilism jokes.

The Loneliest Wall in Existence: A Holiday Story by McMansion Hell “Once upon a time there was a sad, lonely beige wall. The wall was not actually lonely - instead, the loneliness of the author is being projected onto the wall as a literary device walls aren’t sentient the end”

Master Bedroom

Are y’all too young to know about Fried Green Tomatoes? Basically it’s one of the quintessential Southern Middle-Aged Mom films, along with Steel Magnolias and Gone With the Wind. 

Also I just remembered - I need to clean out my tax fraud drawer. 

 Master Bathroom

I know Freud would have a field day with these people who build bathrooms inside their bathrooms just for their toilet.

Sad Bedroom One

Darryn now works at K-Mart, rides BMX bikes illegally on federal roads, and vapes. 

Sad Bedroom Two

I was trying to decide between Confucius and Mark Twain, but Confucius had his own memes way back in the day.

Sad Reject Room

(it’s my first TV-show reference be gentle) Also, in case you missed Cheryl.

Horrifying Half-Finished Basement

(NSFW) (NSFL)

“I know honey, let’s finish the basement so your mom can have a place to stay!” “Sounds great, honey!” (*rubs hands together menacingly*) “excellent”

Hands down the most depressing interior space I have ever seen in my life, and boy there have been some downers. I need to go take a walk. Speaking of outside…

The Rear Elevation

Fun fact: when I was a cringe-y high schooler, I wanted to write an opera about Robespierre after watching the classic anime The Rose of Versailles. 

ANYWAYS, that’s all for this double special! I hope you enjoyed Howard County, MD! Stay tuned for Sunday’s post in which I will have created stereotypes of every over-done interior design trend of the past year as part one of the MMH Retrospective. Merry Holidays!

If you like this post, and want to see more like it (plus get cool swag like stickers and exclusive content), consider supporting me on Patreon! Not into recurring donations? Check out the McMansion Hell Store - 30% goes to charity.

Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.

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“Just a dawg gettin coffee”

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Yesssss

"Oh my god I need a sandwhich"

I was in a band called Dawn Treader from around 2000 - 2010. I uploaded everything we ever recorded (minus a random live tape) for some friends on facebook and now I am sharing it here.

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Happy Father's Day to an amazing role model of a dad/dude/person!

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These pups (at Hazelwood Inn Restaurant)

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hi, how are you (at IKEA White Marsh)

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Guess I'm not going anywhere for a while (at Overlea, Maryland)

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Algernon Cadwallader, circa 2008 Some Kind Of Cadwallader release show, West Philly (I found my old photobucket account)

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Home made everything carnitas tacos! @brookelola made most of this. not pictured guac and tomatillo salsa. (at Overlea, Maryland)

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Don't know how I missed this! (Maybe cause I don't check tumblr that often anymore...) but confirmed! Sup auntie

Moments away from finding out! #brabiemarquez

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This cake was amazing! #gabesleeping

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We finished and hung the hexagon shelves in the nursery today, which means we are done decorating! So close! #brabiemarquez (at Overlea, Maryland)

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I was 13, whattatime

This is a concert video of Lit playing “My Own Worst Enemy” in Mountain View, CA in 1999, and it has absolutely the best crowd shots I have ever seen in anything.

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Proof of concept using cedar scraps, making honeycomb shelves for the nursery! Feels good to be making something

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Also proficient at fetch.

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when your whole crew is looking fresh af