non-sense-thoughts

[non-sense-thoughts]

Sooo Thursday she had a dinner in Fresno to celebrate her coworkers birthday. During it she texted asking if I wanted to see her. I told her I did.

I saw her and we talked. She told me she hung out with someone… but she didn’t kiss them. And the reason she couldn’t is because of me. she actually was supposed to go see someone else after her dinner, but she canceled on them to see me.

We talked about everything but when I left she told me she didn’t want to see me again.

She called me on her drive home and we were still talking. I still have her heart and that’s the reason she hasn’t truly done anything with people.

It seemed like we were doing better…

I get to lunch, grab my stuff and go to my car. I turn the ignition on and call her. When she answered she told me something along the lines of “nows not a good time to talk. You shouldn’t talk to me” I asked and she told me I’ve been lying to her and that she’s really hurt. I spent my lunch break trying to know what I did, and eventually she told me. Apparently, she created a brand new Her profile, through Facebook. THE ONLY THING I COULD POSSIBLY THINK OF, IS IF IT SAID I WAS ONLINE BC OF FACEBOOK SINCE IG IS PAIRED WITH FB AND I KEEP MY FB LOGGED INTO MY PHONE. Im like that doesn’t even make any sense. Why would a brand new account suggest me of all people, and tell you I was online. I literally got out of work, put my stuff in my car, and called you. She told me later that this is what happened. She goes on, it shows me and says I’m online so she blocked me. A minute later, i call her.

Tbh I have no idea why that even happened. I haven’t had the her app in a while. The day after I started talking to her, I didn’t use the app anymore. It was on my phone but I had no intention of ever using it again. I went on once to see when we had first started talking to each other. One time she told me like “hey you do you but I’m deactivating my account on Her”. She asked me about still having it one time and I told her I don’t use it. You’re right, why do I even have it? It’s just wasting space on my phone. I deleted it in front of her, apparently. That’s what she reminded me of.

Honest to God, I haven’t touched that app since. I don’t have it on my phone, I have the texts of the two times it sent me a verification code to even go on. When I made the account and then yesterday. I know that I haven’t been on the app. I screen recorded showing her me searching it on my phone and not having it. I told her like I can call you and share my screen and literally show you… Then I screen recorded me going to the App Store, redownloading it, signing in, showed her my last message and you can see there’s unopened ones above it. I sign out and delete the app again in the video. I sent it to her. I called her when I got off. She’s hurt. She doesn’t trust me. I tried to explain to her. Like it’s frustrating to know because she told me I was going to come back but there’s zero chance. Like you ended it officially. And that’s the thing because I know 100% that I’m not lying to her, I never have. I may not always be the best at understanding or communicating but who I am as a person is someone who’s genuine and honest and integrity matters a lot for me. I would never cheat or lie because that’s not who I am and I told her literally God as my witness hand on a Bible like I didn’t do anything and I haven’t been lying to you. But she is very certain that she knows what she saw and that was me with an online bubble when she first went on the app. I’m like that makes no sense. I’m literally at work, I don’t have the app. How could I possibly be online? I told her you know me better than that. You know that all I’ve done is fight for you and love you. I would never. She told me she’s going to block me and delete me from everything. I kept her on the phone, but eventually I was like I know in my heart and to God that I didn’t do that and it really sucks that you’re hurt by something that isn’t true and you are going to believe the lie. I love you and I’m here (something.. I forget). That I hope one day she truly knows the truth. Something. She was going to hang up so I said what I said and I hung up and we haven’t really spoken much since.

I started driving to you, and about an hour in she sent me a song and idk exactly what she meant by it if she meant anything but I just started crying. She messaged me around 11pm but I hadn’t seen it and she said she’s so hurt. That’s the thing like she gets mad and she’ll push me out but I see her heart too. she’s not over us either and it really sucks to know where we are and how we feel but to let something that’s not real affect everything. I said what I could i showed her everything and it’s up to her with what she does with that. I don’t want to hurt her. I didn’t do anything, but she believes that I did and it’s a shame.

I messaged her this morning like 1:30 like I can’t sleep and she said she couldn’t either. We were texting and I told her Like I wish I could I could hold my baby but she’s not mine anymore. She responded this morning saying she’s still here.

I don’t know. Last night is the first time I was truly like it’s on her. Because literally there’s nothing I can do. I can pray she knows the truth, pray for things. but it’s not in my control and if I’ve genuinely lost her it’s nothing I can do. Like I even told her I can sleep at night knowing that I didn’t lie to you. I kept repeating myself but it’s like if you’re going to walk away for good, I think you should at least walk away because of the truth. It’s dumb that something like that would jeapordize everything. I understand where she’s coming from. She has had people lie to her, chest on her. But not everyone is the same. I’ve had people do it to me too and I would never. I hate that. I get that she would think I’m online. I get how it could hurt someone but the sucky thing is that it’s not the truth. I would say like you know me better then that. She would say I thought I did. Anything I said it was like “I thought so” thought I loved her. Thought she could trust me. Etc.

[non-sense-thoughts]

“As long as I see you once a week I’m good” telling me on her day off I can come to her. That she wouldn’t want to come to me. I ask about the weekend and she’s like “I have a kid”. Ik she said she can’t spend her whole weekend with me. It’s like I’m not asking you to. Etc. idk. I want to make memories with you but you don’t want to put any time into us

[non-sense-thoughts]

You have Chris. Brandon. You guys always talk or text. Every day. And do life together. Your friends you have also you talk to every day it frequently. You don’t live like you’re on your own, you know? You have them. I’m just here.

[non-sense-thoughts]

Weekends are my free days. I want to see you more than just an hour a week when you’ll see me if I come to you. Yes I want to come to you always. Given the option I always say yes. You suggest it and then I say okay and you say nvm. Too late or something. Sucks because I always want to. And when you suggest it I’m ready to go. you’re all I want.

[non-sense-thoughts]

Asked if we could try to plan something this weekend. She said no I’m not going to try to plan anything because Chris has been wanting to do something.

You went to Vegas. You have a concert in November. You don’t Ry to plan anything with me anymore. You cancel our plans. Youre tired or you just chill at home. You get your son and ex. I’m barely in your life. Is this enough for you? All you need? You don’t miss kissing me? Holding me? Wanting to be with me? Make memories with me? In the last month we hardly did anything together. is this what it’s going to be like now? The time we do hangout it’s a couple hours one night and we’re usually just laying there. Or you’ll be on your phone smoking and vibing. Don’t you want to connect with me? I just want to grow with you …

[non-sense-thoughts]

We talked for three minutes. Then about 20 minutes goes by. I’m a couple minutes before my work shift so I call just to say bye before I go into work. She says Ik you’re going to start but I just got into a big fight with brandon and it almost got physical. I ask about it, but she says she won’t tell me. I say I’m trying to be supportive. She says she doesn’t need it she’s got it herself. She feels uncomfortable talking about it with me. But she’s literally going to cry. Angry. And she won’t tell me. Like what is there to hide? Either it’s about me too or it’s not and if it’s about me then why can’t I know and if it’s not about me then I could just listen? But no. That’s where it’s like I have to just be content with her being upset from fighting with her husband?? Like I love you. I care about you. You’re not okay. But I’m not allowed into it with you. It’s a space I have to be understanding but it’s like. Why not ? Genuinely. Am I being immature or not understanding ? Like. It’s their business not mine but it affects her then it affects us too. He just moved back into the home with her and his son too. Idk. Todays our two month anniversary. 8/29/22.

She said bye and then hung up. I texted her that I just called to tell her I love her and goodbye before work. I care about her and hope she’s okay. There’s 2 minutes before I start at this point so I’m trying to grab my stuff and go inside. She calls me and says love you bye. Have a good day at work.

😶

[non-sense-thoughts]

Being interested in your reasons or your why’s is a way to know you deeper. It helps to understand where your mind is at, where it goes. What really matters to you

[non-sense-thoughts]

Asked if you just send me the snap streak. Soo you send me the selfie and say it’s just for me. Soo the answer is yes. I’ve noticed you only really send me a snap a day and it’s usually not you… or if you with your mask on at work but I know it’s not just for me. Why do I think you don’t love me as much? Because it doesn’t feel like you’re as invested in talking in snapping etc. at the end of our night last night you told me things and it’s like you never told me about any of the scheduling changes or plans or anything. Makes me feel like I don’t matter as much bc Ik you’ve told Brandon … you got mad. But it’s genuine. You were like “did I not just spend our time living on you and not on my phone” does it feel like a sacrifice to you to not be on your phone for our time together? Because that’s what it sounded like to me… I can’t think ahead but for holidays you choose them. Is there not some way to hangout with me later? When you’ve had your time together? Like if you’re working and they get the Eve… can we’re not enjoy the evening of holidays after you’ve had your family time?

[non-sense-thoughts]

5/27/22 - I drove to you at night. We parked at the same parking spot and saw kittens. You had Chris come bring food and then we layer down together and watched our show. I want to lay next to you more. I gave you the cookies I made. You said one day we get to bake together and cuddle together, etc. i want that. With you ❤️ I want to be your forever

[non-sense-thoughts]

You loving me is all I want. And you don’t remind me of my dad

[non-sense-thoughts]

You’re friends are going to move, and they want help with it. I offer to help but you say it’s awkward. Why’s it awkward? It’s not a big deal… I love helping people in those kinds of ways. It’s awkward for you. But you won’t say why…

Soo then I just guess. Because they wouldn’t know who I am? They don’t know you have a girlfriend? Is it because they know Brandon? Because they might help instead? I wouldn’t have soo many questions if you explained what you meant or what your thought is. I’m not asking for a big reason.. just the reason. So I don’t keep thinking about it. It’s not that complicated. “I don’t like explaining myself or answering to anyone” …baby how am I supposed to understand you then?

[non-sense-thoughts]

I wish I was lucky enough to come home to you every night

[non-sense-thoughts]

Who’s the forever keychain thing from on your keys ?

[non-sense-thoughts]

You asked me like why would you not want me or something.

You told me you’ve been pushing me away and you isn’t know how much you’d missed me. Well I can see it.

It’d the “call you back” and then leaving for 30 minutes when we literally only talked for one. It’s the 10min or less calls before you gtg… even if you’re the one who called me. It’s the not wanting to ay I love you. Not wanting to send any pictures or hardly even talk. It’s the getting upset at me over the smallest little things. It’s just that you weren’t as engaged as you used to be and I can tell. I see it I feel it. I haven’t slept well in such a long time.

It’d when I tell you “cute” things and you don’t respond. It’s you opening my snaps and no saying anything. I’m call you beautiful, and you don’t say anything. It’s the ..you not really even snapping me hardly like I was afraid we’d lose our best friend streak from you and anyone else. It’s the way you didn’t tell me about your schedule change. The funeral. That people are coming to work on your home. Like you didn’t tell me any of it was happening and it’s like why not? That you don’t tell me you finished your CEs. Like anything it seemed like you never told me. Like it doesn’t matter for me to know? Oh but Brandon knows. He gets the calls. He gets the conversations. He gets everything from you that I wish I could also get. I have you…. But why does it seem like I’m secondary in some ways? H8 it. You’re my forever and honestly I’m just afraid you’re going to break my heart. With all your uncertainty if you want us. And you won’t promise.. I get it.. but idk if you’ll stay. Which is hard because that’s all I want 😔. If I feel like I’m losing you then I’m going into low power mode. It’s so hard. Because I love you so much and I don’t feel as secure in us. We’re almost at two months. I wonder if you remember. I want to say it. But idk if you know. and obvi if I don’t wait to say it then it’s easy for you to say it back idk.

[non-sense-thoughts]

Why aren’t you sure if you’re comfortable with him moving back in ? What are your thoughts?

I asked when he’d be sleeping there and you said probably tomorrow. I said would you have told me if I didn’t ask but you said well you know he’s moving back. So no … that’s how I take that. I was like no I actually don’t. You wouldn’t have said anything.

[non-sense-thoughts]

You’re comfortable with him moving back in?

Or does it not really even feel like he left since he basically already lives there?

I couldn’t help the moving process because it’d be uncomfortable for you both. It’s not uncomfortable to live on the same house again?

Are you comfortable with him moving back in?

If he’s around would you not be naked? Does he have any rules like not coming in your room without getting the okay first? To respect your space and respect that you’re not his? I understand he’s seen it before but you’re not together anymore…

Is he walking around naked or in underwear?

[non-sense-thoughts]

I was tired. My head hurt. My tummy hurt. I asked if I could see you. Like on snap. You said you’re busy. I said later not then, but you’re like no you don’t need to see me. Look at a picture of us.

I tell you I’m charging my phone. That’s my sound it off and I’m going to lay down. Soo you’re like “bye”. I say bye to and you tell me I’m throwing a fit. I tell you I’m not. You’re upset with me and tell me to keep throwing a fit. That’s dumb.

The snap you send you just told me stop being ridiculous.

No goodnight, no anything. That’s fine. But like. How am I the one being immature?

It’s not the first time I asked lately that you said no. No picture.

It’s beside the point that we planned to hangout and you said you didn’t want to. That you had things to do and you didn’t want to come. Saturday I saw you. You said “I’m seeing you Thursday”. I was like oh dl because plans seem to get canceled. You told me no. Were you just trying to get me to shut up? Well I didn’t see you. You’re saying I’ll see you on the weekend. We’ll see. You told me before when I asked you about something hearing on the weekend that Chris wanted to hangout with you and his dad soo you might do that. And then Sunday night you’re drinking with your work friends. You said you don’t know when you’re off after that.

I think I look forward to seeing you more than you look forward to see me. I was really sad you canceled on me. But it’s okay to you. You got mad at me for “taking it personally”. What do you expect? I love you I miss you I just want to see you. I get that planned change but if you didn’t think you’d see me from the beginning? Why would you tell me you’d see me. Did you actually plan on seeing me? You hangout with your work friends. You come home and get Chris and Brandon. After them, it’s me. But if you don’t have time? 😔 we prioritize people in our lives and I’ll always have time for you. It doesn’t matter whatever else. But you have more going on in your life. I just hope you chose me and care about seeing me. You say you’re grumpy and you don’t have patience for me. You say I’m throwing a fit or immature or all these things … or you say I don’t pay attention to you when that’s all I do with the time that I have available. And then you say you think I hate you? No. I love you, I miss you. I look forward to seeing you. I’m always thinking about you. I always want you. You keep telling me you see that we’re different and you don’t know if you want this. I hope you want this. I hope you look at what we have and not what we aren’t. Think about the good things. Give us the benefit of the doubt :/ you don’t even usually say bye anymore on the phone. If it’s our last call you’ll say bye and that you love me but otherwise it’s not. Which is fine but like why wouldn’t you want to say it more, anymore? I’m not saying you have to do or say anything… I just think about it all and I hope you do love me and choose me when it just feels like I’m losing your interest. 💔 i dont want that to be true. I remember in the beginning you always told me you missed me even when we saw each other a lot. Now we see each other less and you’re like “omg e we see each other a lot” and idk I just feel like you don’t love me as much anymore.. I feel like I’m losing you and I hate it. It’s not specific, it’s an overall feeling