nomiijo

[nomiijo]

one of the biggest things I can advocate for (in academia, but also just in life) is to build credibility with yourself. It’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking of yourself as someone who does things last minute or who struggles to start tasks. people will tell you that you just need to build different habits, but I know for me at least the idea of ‘habit’ is sort of abstract and dehumanizing. Credibility is more like ‘I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it, and more importantly I trust myself to do it’. you set an assignment goal for the day and you meet it, and then you feel stronger setting one the next day. You establish a relationship with yourself that’s built on confidence and trust. That in turn starts to erode the barrier of insecurity and perfectionism and makes it easier to start and finish tasks. reframing the narrative as a process of building credibility makes it easier to celebrate each step and recognize how strong your relationship with yourself can become

[nomiijo]

Starting a new thing. Trying to get better so I’m keeping myself accountable here :)

[nomiijo]

Life is beautiful, but you don’t have a clue.

Broken people only break others apart. Until they’re even. Maybe even worse. Someone told me today that basically all they ever did with me was for attention, and all along, they were in love with someone else. It’s funny really, how things work. I trusted someone after a long time and it turns out I trusted the wrong someone. And you might think, why? Truth to be told, I’ve known for a while—after all, I’m not stupid. I don’t even blame them. I blame myself. For not being secure enough within myself to have higher standards. It’s true, you only accept what you think you’re deserving of. So let this be a lesson to myself: Don’t ever trust and hand yourself to someone else until you’re very well secure with who you are as a human being. When I met them, I wasn’t in the best place. In a place of shame, insecurity, and instability. So I attracted the same kind—someone shameful, insecure, and unstable.

What did I do afterwards? I went out for a cigarette, the last one for a while, I think. So I was looking at this “last” cigarette, outside, in the cold, thinking to myself, “How stupid am I to let someone walk all over me like that?” How pathetic, how embarrassing, and how lowly. Anyways, the world keeps on spinning. I keep on living, the time never stops ticking. Life is beautiful if you let it. Life is awesome if you look for the right things. I like to focus on the brighter things and I was finally feeling somewhat better but then this happens… I must be strong. After all, no one is faced with a challenge they can’t surmount. All these problems I’m facing, someone went through the same things, it’s not unique, it’s not groundbreaking. And that’s the beauty of everything. I am never alone in anything. This too, shall pass.

Don’t let someone broken stoop you down to their level.

Also, peep the great scenery I saw earlier today!

I’m looking forward to my coffee in the morning. I will go on a long walk early in the morning. I will study. I will sleep well. And I will move on.

My mom tells me I was born with too much water. But here’s a beautiful thing about water: it looks so moldable and fragile yet a large body of water is incredibly strong. It can even wear down rocks with rough edges until it’s smooth and glossy. So in a way, maybe I’m strong, like the ocean. :)

Happy 1st of September, everyone.

[nomiijo]

Sometimes when I hyper fixate on something—lately, it’s been a random dude and his previous relationships—I like to watch a video of this physicist and mathematician debating how much free will humans have. Whether we fully have control over the decisions we make or it’s pre-determined and we’re just simply under the illusion of having infinite choices. Somewhere on the internet, maybe my mom told me, I read that there’s this Indian buddhist-rooted-astrology where it kind of highlighted the importance of specific birth date and implying that humans only have 30% control over how their lives are going to be. 70% of it is already kind of been already decided.

It kind of takes away the thrill of living, doesn’t it? What’s the point of trying anyways? If it’s already been drawn out for me, by the stars or whatever it is out there.

But I’d like to think that it also takes away the pressure of it all too. What is the point anyways? Live while it lasts! Enjoy the moment. Be in the present.

That’s what I’ve been doing, all summer, really. I like to go on long walks. I buy myself treats and good coffee. I take pictures. Like this one! I moved into my new rooming assignment, I can’t believe I’m already at the end of my junior year (in college, sadly) and beginning of my senior year.

All these years, though, I’ve learned a great deal about myself. I’ve had to go through so many humbling experiences where I had to question my self worth, who I was really, and rebuild myself from the ground zero. I’m working on that rebuilding part, still. I do think, though, that I’ve killed that egotistical part of me. Mostly. Partially. Hey, but here’s what I can tell you. As your big sister, if you’re ever going through a time where you feel a little insecure, little unsure, little less confident, a romantic partner is never the answer. They might say things you like—how pretty you are, how hot you are. How sexy and alluring you are. But in all honesty, that’s a very small band aid for a big gaping wound. You must heal from within. You must figure out who you are first. What you like. What you desire. What your favorite books are, your favorite TV shows, what your opinions and takes are. What kind of path you want to pursue. Which friends you want to keep for a long time. Independence and knowing yourself is extremely important. Being knowledgeable and educated on top of that—it’s a power no one can take away from you! So read! Learn! Have fun! Go outside! Never, ever, ever gloat over a man, never ever put him on the highest pedestal, because it’s never the answer.

Well that’s just what I’ve been telling myself. The universe is so wide and rich, I’m just a small blip in it all. Small but a mighty one ;)